To choose to do this instead of a 'normal wedding'

[weddingwonders]

My partner and I have been together for nearly 4 years now and are looking into planning a potential wedding for next year (We have already agreed to go ring shopping when the shops open).

I'm so shocked at the price of bloody wedding packages! A sub par location where we are (south east) would cost over £2k with no frills just for a small intimate wedding (30 people).

We've decided we would rather take the 2k and spend it on a 'weddingmoon' and just get married abroad simply with us only.

My friends are a bit put out as I'm the first to be in the wedding territory and they wanted to be bridesmaids etc but my partner and I just can't understand how we can happily spend £2k on one day in comparison to a lovely week/s abroad!

If it's totally down to you two to pay for it. Then it's also totally down to you to have what you'd like.

Traditionally yes parents are involved. But also traditionally they pay for their daughters' wedding.

My parents paid a big chunk of ours. So of course had a bit more say in the day and invites etc.

I would be horrified (but try not to show it) if his partner wanted a big, showy wedding.

And if he is the one who wants a big wedding?! What a telling comment.

One of the nicest weddings that I went to was where they got married in a registry office, then they paid for a set meal at a restaurant. The restaurant made a fuss and put flowers on the table. It was perfect.

Go for it! It’s nobody’s business but yours, not even your parents. I have 2 grown up (20&17) daughters and I’d support that plan. I’d go it all do differently now if I had my time again.

A wedding is two things: your private commitment to each other and what you want that ceremony to look like, and a public declaration that you are committing to be with one another. I wonder if there’s a third option between meh but expensive wedding here, wedding abroad? What about a no frills registry office wedding followed by a pub lunch or a picnic? The important bits get done, families witness your marriage - then you have your lovely holiday.

If you’d like to share it with parents then maybe have a private wedding in U.K. You can have a small ceremony and a gorgeous meal somewhere afterwards or a garden party etc.

Do what you want! I don’t even have a partner but already know that if/when I do get married, I absolutely do not want the big white wedding day - I’d rather elope and save the money for something else. Could you maybe have a wee party back home without the actual ‘wedding’ so that your friends and family can still celebrate with you?

[quote weddingwonders]@HeddaGarbled Hopefully our families will understand, we will definitely do a celebratory dinner/gathering afterwards. We don't have a large budget and don't expect anybody to help out with costs so we just can't justify throwing several grand at a day when we've seen what we can do abroad. [/quote]
So who will be paying for this celebratory dinner/gathering afterwards?

Do you expect everyone to pay for themselves? If not, why not get married in a registry office then do that?

Going away & getting married isn't exactly unusual. Do that if you want. It's up to you what your wedding to be like, if you don't want friends & family there and bridesmaids etc that's up to you. In turn they're allowed to feel disappointed 🤷🏻‍♀️

As other PP have said, you don't have to buy a wedding package. You can just do it all yourselves. This is what we did. I thought the prices of packages was utterly ridiculous and it really pissed me off that caterers basically doubled their prices if 'wedding' was mentioned, so after chatting with family & friends, we just booked a village hall (about £20 at the time). Some of our friends/relatives did the food, some decorated the hall for us, and 2 relatives did the flowers. We didn't want presents, so everything everyone did, as far as we were concerned, was their present to us, and there was no pressure fo anything to do anything if they didn't want. It was a brilliant day, and some people still go on about it being the best wedding they'd ever been to even now, & it was 20 years ago. I think it was because everyone felt involved & felt they'd done their bit to make it a great day, rather than just being a spectator.
2 other pairs of friends copied our idea and did it the same way.

I also like the idea some people have mentioned of registry office wedding + barbecue in the garden.

We have plenty of money as well, we could have easily blown £20K even then on a wedding, but weddings like that just seem ridiculous and fake to me.

At the end of the day though, if you WANT to just do it abroad on a holiday, then just do that, no need to use the excuse that a wedding in this country is too expensive (because it isn't), although as PP have said, do discuss it with family - your parents might be up for coming with you anyway, or they might want to do a party for you at their house or something. Lots and lots of options.

We got married 18 years ago with just my sister, dh's brother and their spouses as witnesses and told our parents later, no wedding dress, just smart casual clothes (didn't even buy new!), a bit of confetti and meal out at the local chinese restaurant with a couple of bottles of champagne after. SIL bought a mini 6" wedding style cake as a surprise.

Whole thing cost less than £400 including the meal!

It was still a special day for us and we were glad we did it without fuss and ridiculous expense, but I knew my parents and other siblings were quietly disappointed which is a slight regret, but if we had invited them it would have grown arms and legs and they understood it wasn't about them and why we did it. They organised a BBQ a couple of weeks later with close family to celebrate.

Not sure if they would have understood as much if we spent a full wedding budget on a wedding abroad instead.

We did 2 weeks 5 star in Turkey before our “wedding” then a quick registry office appointment when we returned. Spent a few £100 on the getting married bit. I just can’t understand why people choose to spend more money than is necessary on what is essentially just signing a marriage contract. However, I seem to be in the minority with that opinion (with everyone I’ve ever know - apart from my mum - she agrees with me). Even the registry wedding was as cringe as f*. Standing there having to speak in front of a few people with my soon to be husband gazing into my eyes 🤢. I couldn’t stop nervous laughing the whole way through. If I could have just signed on the dotted line, I would have done.

We're spending £2k on our special day but the way you phrase it, it sounds like a lot! I really didn't think that it was.

I had a tiny wedding. Anyone who gave 2 shits about me and my husband was happy for us. It was the aunts and uncles I’m not close to that had a moan. Agree keep it quiet though to avoid pressure from others.

We got married in 2017 at a registration office in the south east. 8 of us then went to the pub and on to a Thai restaurant. In the end the in laws insisted on paying the food bill and my mum paid for my wedding ring so we spent a lot on my engagement ring and not much on anything else (I wore a ted baker jumpsuit I already owned). We had a lovely day and knocked £££ off our mortgage instead. Is something like that an option?

I think it would be unreasonable not to invite even your parents - I don’t know what your relationship is like but most would be heartbroken not to be invited to your own child’s wedding.
By the way, you can get married in my local registry office for £300 on a Friday/Saturday or under £200 Monday-Thursday. You can have a DIY reception (eg in your garden) or go to a local restaurant for not that much. It sounds like you just want to have a wedding abroad rather than actually care about the cost given you’re looking at such expensive destinations, so bear that in mind when you’re telling people.

The only unreasonable thing you’ve done is tell anyone. Just go on holiday and come back married, tell them when you get back. Half the problems people have these days are caused by over sharing, what people don’t know doesn’t hurt them.

Friends got married abroad alone.

Then threw a party in a pub room, they showed the wedding video and photos bride wore her dress again and a couple of friends had marches dresses (they planned this for additional photos and the bride didn’t know)
We pod for our own drinks and there was a small Buffett it was a nice night with no expectation.

Do it OP, it was the best thing we ever did! We had an amazing 3 week long honeymoon instead (where we also got married). Everyone was understanding because we had a party when we came back, but honestly, I'd probably skip that if I was to do it again! The whole party at home we did not find enjoyable, it was stressful and wasn't really about us - but it really underlined that we made the right decision! You could have a small dinner instead Good luck!

Absolutely OP. If you like your families talk to them first and figure out a way with your very nearest and dearest (I mean parents only really) Everyone else ? Meh anyone who winges isn't interested in whats best for you.

I learnt my lesson with my wedding to Exdh which was all about what everyone else wanted ( right down to the bagpiper exmil booked as a "surprise " which I saw when I turned up...nope not Scottish...at all ). You end up spending loads of money and stress and the next morning wonder why in actual hell did you spend money and time on tiny wedding favours that neeeeeddded blue bows .

Marriage ended (not wedding related) and DP and I are getting married in a couple of years. Small ,personal , cheap because we have other things we want to spend on , and anyone who wants the big party can go get married themselves.

I am far far more excited for this one because it will feel like mine.

Being the first of a group to get married is part of the problem because everyone projects their idea of a wedding onto yours.

If you’re the last of the group to get married, people have grown to resent the cost, the time they have to take, the inconvenience with dc and the whole faff.

I guarantee that in ten years time people will be thinking “didn’t Weddingwonders have the right idea”

I got married on a beach in the UK - had people from all over join us and specifically said no gifts as them spending money on a week away was enough - 6 years late they all still talk about bout what a great week it was. Not everyone stayed a whole week but they had the choice to if they wanted it.

My comment is a bit crass but worth remembering. We got married over 30 years ago and even then got more than 2000 in wedding gifts..cash!! We had no idea planning it that that would happen as were pretty new to the whole wedding thing so were not down as much as we had thought.
Also your parents may have made some provision for your wedding. I know l have for my dd
( and ds too)but l have never said that to her but if that day comes l am hoping to surprise her with help towards the wedding she wants..l will enjoy doing that.
I know everyone likes to say do what you want yourself but family is important going forward so l would definitely factor both families in whether at home or abroad.
If my DC went abroad l would accept it obviously but be a bit disappointed.

I personally would be SO sad not to be at my child’s wedding. You know your parents though and I’m not sure anyone else’s feelings would be relevant to your family. I had a very posh wedding and really wanted a bbq in the garden

It doesn't need to cost that much to have a simple wedding and you could basically have a really good party after rather than posh formal dinner, much nicer like that anyhow.

@HugeAckmansWife

I wouldn't do the dress thing if you're absolutely not going to buy. It's not fair on the shop and they'll catch on you're not serious. Also, what if you do find 'the dress' and can't afford it and dislike the one you've chosen. Let your friends do whatever for the Hen but this is your wedding, not their chance to pretend they're in a chick flick.

Absolutely