To choose to do this instead of a 'normal wedding'

[weddingwonders]

My partner and I have been together for nearly 4 years now and are looking into planning a potential wedding for next year (We have already agreed to go ring shopping when the shops open).

I'm so shocked at the price of bloody wedding packages! A sub par location where we are (south east) would cost over £2k with no frills just for a small intimate wedding (30 people).

We've decided we would rather take the 2k and spend it on a 'weddingmoon' and just get married abroad simply with us only.

My friends are a bit put out as I'm the first to be in the wedding territory and they wanted to be bridesmaids etc but my partner and I just can't understand how we can happily spend £2k on one day in comparison to a lovely week/s abroad!

Of course it's your wedding and your day etc. But I'm another parent that would be secretly really hurt if my kids did this. I wouldn't care about the fancy hat, posh photographer, expensive meal etc. Just about missing out on such a significant occasion with my child. It could be in the local registry office with a meal in the pub afterwards, that would be fine.

Could you get married here cheaply and have a blessing overseas?

Your parents might be sad, but your friends will be relieved. I hated the late 20s-early 30s period when every other weekend in the summer there was a wedding somewhere really inconvenient to get to. Every spare penny we had was spent on crap accommodation, presents and travel. We had nothing left for holidays of our own. It put a bit of a damper on my own marriage to be honest. I was so relieved when we got through that phase.

On the second marriages now, but fortunately people are a lot more considerate second time round and get that weddings are an expensive hassle for guests.

We got married in an office on a weekday morning (not the nice registry office). We could only have two witnesses so none of our parents came, just two friends. We then had lunch at my in-laws with my parents. It was perfect. I personally think the day doesn't matter as much as the fact we were getting married. It was the marriage that was important to me, not the wedding.

If you're worried how your parents would feel, perhaps a compromise could be a very very small ceremony with both your parents and maybe siblings. Then a fab holiday the two of you. We only paid £50 plus the marriage licence stuff.

To the PPs saying how sad they'd be to miss their DCs getting married, with as much respect as possible it's not about you. My MIL was definitely a bit sad but didn't ask us not to - we still got to see her on the day and mark the occasion, and if it hadn't been on the day we would have another time. Way more important is that your child is committing to someone they really love.

DH and I have a theory that the bigger the wedding, the more likely the couple are to split. It's probably totally unfair. I just can't quite get my head around how it's more special to have it with loads of people and kind of perform for the day. Loved the intimacy of doing it the way we did.

OP it's not about anyone else. Get married how you want to.

One of my cousins did a weekend away with her best mate and her boyfriend - they both got married to their respective partners and were each other's witnesses, then went out for a meal and came home the next day and told everyone.

That was probably the easiest wedding I've heard of - but it did mightily upset my aunt.

I don't YABU because in the end it IS what you want to do - but yeah, there are going to be some disappointed people so best to have a plan that isn't easily changed when you tell them all.

People who get upset at their DC not having weddings they approve of need to catch hold of themselves.

I felt like my wedding day was a bigger deal to literally every other person I came across who found out we were getting married than it was to me. As far as DH and I were concerned we were just formalising our relationship/getting the legal protections. I hate my wedding photos because they represent the pressure I was put under to "bride", and as an autistic person I resented being told yet again that my way of doing things was the wrong way. But MIL got her day so that's fine.

Lots of people go abroad but if you're going to have a big family party when you come back, it won't work out cheaper. You could just have a registry office wedding here with the family party afterwards. Then have your honeymoon. It will cost the same.
So if this is really about not wanting people at your wedding, don't pretend it's about money because most people will know someone who got married abroad and then did the family party here and they'll know it doesn't save money.

I couldn't imagine getting married without my parents and closest friends, so it's personal preference really.

Slightly morbid but I've had friends who've lost parents quite young and the memories they have of their parents being at their weddings are incredibly special.

I’m a mum, and to be honest I’d be happy for my DC whatever they wanted to do.
I got married when tradition was for the parents of the bride to pay for the wedding.... and you had either church or registry office to chose from. And, although it was lovely and I appreciate what my parents did, I have never felt it was truly my day. So if you were my DC I’d be happy for you, it’s not my wedding and it’s your choice.
But I’d probably love to help you organise the trip and the party afterwards!

YANBU

If there's a concern about parents and other family etc being upset at not being at the ceremony could you perhaps just have a small registry office thing for the legal bit just before you go? A friend did this (her Dad would not have been able to go to an overseas wedding due to ill health) and it worked really well. They had a really low key, no frills registry office ceremony with a few friends and close family just to sign the paperwork- plus her dad walking her down the aisle. No party etc afterwards (just tea and cake at their home). This satisfied the parents and elderly relatives that they had been involved in the wedding plus it meant that they didn't have to book an official wedding package abroad. They had a second ceremony on a beach that they loved with a few readings from friends that went with them etc (but no need for an official registrant) and an amazing holiday.

@haliborangemrmen

Your parents might be sad, but your friends will be relieved. I hated the late 20s-early 30s period when every other weekend in the summer there was a wedding somewhere really inconvenient to get to. Every spare penny we had was spent on crap accommodation, presents and travel. We had nothing left for holidays of our own. It put a bit of a damper on my own marriage to be honest. I was so relieved when we got through that phase.

On the second marriages now, but fortunately people are a lot more considerate second time round and get that weddings are an expensive hassle for guests.

I remember that - as each person got married they all wanted to out do each other with the wedding thing... it costs quite a lot to attend some weddings.

Second time around people seem to concentrate on the important things not the tat and show and I agree are much more considerate.

Get married here, with your mum and dad present, and then have a special family meal after the ceremony. If you're close to your parents, they'll be devastated to be excluded. Plus, the whole point of marriage is that you're starting a family etc, surely you would want your parents there for this. Where's the joy in getting married all by yourselves? Celebrating with your closest family will make it special. I hate big weddings too and the whole industry is just a cash grab but that doesn't mean getting married abroad all by yourselves is the only solution.

including Scout marquee, pitched in a field

We looked at doing this. It didn’t work out much cheaper by the time you hired chairs and glasses/crockery and catering and toilets etc.

OP, do what suits you. If friends are pissed off, they aren’t real friends. As long as your close family are really ok with it. I can imagine telling my daughter I’d be fine with it but not really being fine with it!

Really do not understand people who get upset with their kids getting married without them being present, if it's just the couple eloping. I want a wedding that's just me and my DP in a romantic holiday location - for many reasons - and would have a party when we returned. Lots of people don't even get married at all, so why on earth is it anyone's business if a couple don't want a big white wedding, or want to say their vows alone? It seems such an odd thing to get knickers in a twist about!

We eloped 🤷🏼‍♀️ it was great

We were going to go abroad for the same reasons but got married on a railway here in the end for under £5000 30 guests. No bridesmaids or anything, rings from relatives and mean the world to us. Lots of ways to cut costs. Our priority was to feed guests well and get great photos.
Unexpected financial offer from a family member who apparently had it set aside all along but never mentioned it before. We paid £2000 towards it.

We were initially going to invite parents if we went abroad but on their own cost which they were more than ok about paying to do and completely understood. They would have been absolutely gutted but never would have said so to our faces if we'd gone ahead without them.

I think it's a natural thing to want to share in life's big moments with someone you love? Obviously if they guilt trip you that's not on but unfair to judge someone for a normal reaction imo.

At the end of the day it's down to what you and your partner want. Friends and family can be upset all they like, but not to the extent that their reaction taints what should be a happy time for you both.

I wouldn't mind getting married at some point as I've been with DP for over a decade, but his usually perfectly pleasant Mum was such a MILzilla at his brother's wedding (making everything about her), that everytime I think maybe this year I immediately think no way! I've half joked to DP about a Covid wedding between lockdowns and just asking a couple of random people to be witnesses.

@BurbageBrook

Really do not understand people who get upset with their kids getting married without them being present, if it's just the couple eloping. I want a wedding that's just me and my DP in a romantic holiday location - for many reasons - and would have a party when we returned. Lots of people don't even get married at all, so why on earth is it anyone's business if a couple don't want a big white wedding, or want to say their vows alone? It seems such an odd thing to get knickers in a twist about!

I agree. It really is nobody else's business other than the couple.

Eloping was the best thing I've ever done, and it's because MIL has the same attitude as some of the people on this thread.

My DH and I got married abroad, just the two of us. Best thing we ever did! Family were a bit disappointed but ultimately supported our decision and were happy for us. I cannot understand why people think you have to please others. It's your day, do it out how you want!!

We "eloped" to New York. Was great. Second marriage, adult dcs, no parents to offend.
We had a fabulous 10 days.

@BurbageBrook as a parent myself now I couldn't care less what sort of wedding my kids have(just vows- fine)but I would feel a little sad if I wasn't there yes. Of course parents would like to see their kids on what is potentially the happiest day of their life? This is normal for humans who are social animals. I was keen to say vows in private and elope too but honestly, seeing how much it meant to my dad on the day made me so glad I didn't.

Obviously any parent who holds a grudge forever is definitely unreasonable but ok to feel disappointed?

Agreed, @JorisBonson and @BurbageBrook.

We're both fond of and close to our parents, but, honestly, what we wanted to do was more important than anyone else's responses to it. And what we wanted to do getting married with two witnesses with absolutely zero fuss, wearing whatever we would have been wearing on the average Tuesday precluded having anyone else there. Even just having our parents there (we were living in a different country, and they would have had to be picked up from the airport, entertained and probably put up overnight) would have made it into a much bigger deal than either of us wanted.

I have adult children that i have a good relationship with. I would be devastated to not be at their weddings. Heartbroken.

A registry office wedding cost very, very little. Do the legal ceremony with your parents, and siblings and then have your lovely holiday where you could have a blessing if you wanted.

That sounds like my dream wedding. I'd do it. I wanted to elope in Gretna green, just us but family emotionally guilt tripped us into a "proper" wedding. I really regret it, didn't enjoy it, it cost a fortune but worse than that was the most stressful year of planning with unending drama and bickering. Trying to please everyone and ended up pleasing no one, least of all ourselves. Ashamed at my complete lack of a spine back then. I was young and naive, and have grown a lot since then so it definitely wouldn't happen now. Have the wedding that suits you. Its for you, not other people.

I don't understand why you would just leap straight to doing it abroad with no one, not even your parents there. Why not just get married here, with your parents in attendance, or a couple of really close friends, then have the party/celebration that you're planning anyway?

Of course parents would like to see their kids on what is potentially the happiest day of their life?

I just don't recognise that -- I think that's wedding industry sentimental claptrap. I adore my DH and we've been together for getting on for 30 years, but getting married to him was a bit of useful legal bureacracy, as far as we were both concerned. It certainly doesn't factor as a particularly significant day in my life, far less the happiest.