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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to lending money?

206 replies

GCSEmum1 · 27/03/2021 09:12

Should probably name change for this as it's outing but meh. My best friend is a single mum of 4. She works really hard but lives week to week.

She had regularly borrowed money from me for the last year or so. She always pays it back on time but I am starting to feel like a human ATM.

This morning she messaged me "happy birthday! I will pop a card over later. Btw, could you lend me £200? I need to get car sorted and can pay you back £100 next Friday then £100 the next week. See you later! xxx"

I'm raging. DH says I should just let it go and she always pays us back so what does it matter. 

AIBU to just text back to say no, we can't lend this time?

Seriously, I'm livid!

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 27/03/2021 09:13

Happy Birthday!

I’d be livid too.

How do you feel about just saying no?

Wiredforsound · 27/03/2021 09:14

Just say a bright and breezy, ‘can’t wait to see you. Sorry, bit short this month so can’t lend you the cash’, and leave it at that.

Happy birthday!

HermioneWeasley · 27/03/2021 09:15

That seems like a lot of money to be expected to produce today. I wouldn’t assume anyone had a spare £200 at the end of the month.

WombatStewForTea · 27/03/2021 09:16

It depends.
Can you afford to lend it? Will she be screwed over if she can't fix the car?
The fact she always pays back and has said how would make me lend it.

ElderMillennial · 27/03/2021 09:17

It does sound like she just expects it. Tell her no if you don't want to. She obviously had come to rely on you. She hasn't even said "please"!

Happy birthday!

Mumdiva99 · 27/03/2021 09:17

No way would I lend sums like that regularly. Just sorry No we can't afford it this time should do. (If she has money to pay it off she can put it on the credit card and pay off before the bill comes in).

(If it was food for her kids I would feed them a few times so they didn't go hungry).

Easterbunnygettingready · 27/03/2021 09:18

Why the hell would you say yes? She isn't a true friend for asking - if she is she won't take the hump when you say no. Her response will be very telling op. Bite the bullet and say no.
It's the Easter holidays- time for change op!! ...
CF indeed!!

RoseRedRoseBlue · 27/03/2021 09:18

No. She is rude and insensitive, and is taking advantage.

Cocomarine · 27/03/2021 09:19

I think just a “please” could have made so much difference to that message.

Let alone asking yesterday or tomorrow so not to hijack your birthday wishes!

I often tell my child, “I can hear that you’re using your ‘please’ voice, so I’m not telling you off for rudeness - this is just a reminder that it’s good to use the word as well.” Her text is in her please voice... but really really needed a please!

I get what you mean about the ATM! It really comes across as telling you not asking you. More like if you jointly paid for a lawnmower and she was arranging her turn.

Depends how important the friendship is I suppose 🤨

Dontjudgeme101 · 27/03/2021 09:20

Happy Birthday! She’s a cheeky mare. It’s your day and she’s making it about herself. Depends what she needs the money for.

Ponoka7 · 27/03/2021 09:20

I think that you should speak to her about looking for other options if it's spoiling your friendship. She could look to open a credit union account and in six months could be lending from there. It's tough living week by week and normally you'd ask family to be the ones to help you out. Does she have family?

ThePontiacBandit · 27/03/2021 09:21

I’d say no. What a horrible birthday text to receive! I’d expect her to disappear from your life soon after being told no though...
Happy birthday OP, hope you can enjoy it.

Easterbunnygettingready · 27/03/2021 09:21

She is a user op. Would she have sent a birthday message if it wasn't to tell you she needs 200 quid??
Ime when you own a car you make sure you have funds to maintain it...

ExtraOnions · 27/03/2021 09:22

Are you saying “no” because you can’t afford it (entirely reasonable)
Are you saying “no” as it’s short notice and it would cause you an inconvenience to go out and get it / drop it off (again reasonable)
Are you saying no, because you just don’t want to lend it (your money your choice)

Personally it wouldn’t bother me to help a friend who’s struggling, they pay it back, it’s a bank transfer at the push of a button .. no hassle really.

Whatever reason you use to say no, just be honest about it. Saves embarrassment all round.

She’ll probably be upset though, so prepare yourself for that.

bevelino · 27/03/2021 09:22

You need to start saying no before it gets out of hand and ruins your friendship.

ElderMillennial · 27/03/2021 09:25

Would you feel more comfortable to make something up eg you have had an unexpected expense or your DH had to lend some money out and that way she at least knows it's not smithing she can expect?

But she may ask again

I can't help but think she will be different with you when you are not lending her money any more.

Morello339 · 27/03/2021 09:25

I mean, you of course don't have to lend anyone any money but I am shocked at the replies on here about friendship. I would ALWAYS lend my friend if I had it, and she knows she can ask, and vice versa. It has no impact on whether we are 'real friends' or users. We have been friends since the day we started play school.

I think people have a different definition of 'friend' to me. Is she a friend or just a social acquaintance?

Sanchez79 · 27/03/2021 09:26

Time for an honest chat with her OP, otherwise this is going to lead to resentment

ElderMillennial · 27/03/2021 09:27

I would ALWAYS lend my friend if I had it, and she knows she can ask, and vice versa. It has no impact on whether we are 'real friends' or users.

I think it's one thing if a friend asks because they are in a tough situation and it's a one off or occasional thing but it does sound like OP's friend is using OP as a bank facility and she expects OP to lend her the money as and when.

£200 is not a small amount either.

Maybe the friend needs to get a credit card or get her car sorted when she can afford it.

user1493494961 · 27/03/2021 09:28

There will come a day when she's not able to pay you back and the friendship will be ruined.

Cocomarine · 27/03/2021 09:31

@Morello339 with wording like that though? And tacked into a supposed birthday message? Would you / your friends not wait a day or at least say, “sorry to ask on your birthday...”? There’s a world of difference between asking (telling) someone what you’re going to borrow and having to grovel for it. Just a please makes a difference! Do you and your friends not say please when you ask to borrow money from each other?

That’s what would be pissing me off here - OP said it, it’s the being treated like an ATM.

Teapotsandtablecloths · 27/03/2021 09:35

Happy Birthday OP

You are in a difficult position. I work in the debt and finances sector and often see people move to borrowing from friends and family when they have no credit options left. Maxed credit cards, declined for loans etc.

It might be worth a frank conversation with her to see if this is the case, or if she uses you as you are "interest free" over and above a payday loan.

Might also be worth suggesting she gets debt advice from somewhere like CAB or StepChange if she is in debt elsewhere, they will help her budget better so she isn't reliant on you to fund her emergencies.

If she is just using you as its cheaper than credit, I would consider, would she do the same for you if she could?

If yes, I'd borrow her it but caveat it with it being the last time

If no, id politely explain you don't have it this time and nip any future borrowing in the bud.

Good luck x

BendingSpoons · 27/03/2021 09:36

YANBU it's very expectant. It is a large sum of money, it's your birthday and she sounds very casual. She assumes it is no big deal. I think if she had waited a day or two and worded it differently you would feel differently. Although my DH would probably be like yours and not see the big deal in how it was communicated.

PineappleCat · 27/03/2021 09:37

I'd be raging too. The way she's so casual about it also says she expects you to just hand it over.
The thing is when your constantly lending money to someone, you're not helping their situation. You've got to be cruel to be kind and put your foot down... espically on your birthday OP!

PinkiOcelot · 27/03/2021 09:37

Happy birthday OP!

Does she think you have £200 in cash lying around or do you transfer to her bank account? I certainly haven’t got £200 lying around in the house. That’s not a small amount of money to ask to borrow. I wonder how she’d react if you said no.

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