AIBU to say no to lending money?

[GCSEmum1]

Should probably name change for this as it's outing but meh. My best friend is a single mum of 4. She works really hard but lives week to week.

She had regularly borrowed money from me for the last year or so. She always pays it back on time but I am starting to feel like a human ATM.

This morning she messaged me "happy birthday! I will pop a card over later. Btw, could you lend me £200? I need to get car sorted and can pay you back £100 next Friday then £100 the next week. See you later! xxx"

I'm raging. DH says I should just let it go and she always pays us back so what does it matter. 

AIBU to just text back to say no, we can't lend this time?

Seriously, I'm livid!

You are not being unreasonable. I have a handful of people I lent to, there is one that has owed me for 10 years. I will never lend again.

Why would either of you feel you were responsible for HER car?

I have a friend that I used to lend money to on a regular basis. I never minded as living with no money and worrying how to pay bills must be horrendous. I know it wasn't my responsibility but I love her and was in a position to help.

It doesn't happen anymore as she is in a better financial position, but I would do it again if she needed it.

My grandmother always said never mix friendship and money. You've set a bad precedent. Just say you feel it's getting in the way.

yes it does seem she relies on you to bail her out now and a bit cheeky to ask on your birthday

if she lives week to week wont this carry on permanently

OP I'd be really at annoyed too, mainly about HOW I had been asked/told. It's the fact she was so presumptive that is difficult to swallow.

If you really like your friend and you believe the money is a side issue from a solid friendship, I'd be inclined to say.....things have changed a bit for us ....so I can only lend you £100....sorry.....I hope you understand.

That way, there is no embarrassing conversation to be had.....you are still helping her out.....but there will be a subtle shift in the dynamics.... hopefully make her reflect on things.

If she does push, and ask what has changed, just be very evasive. Eg. I can't really go into detail, but there's been s change in our circumstances

I would reply yes here is the money but do not ask again. You can get a credit card or arrange an overdraft. Thank you for remembering my birthday.

I don’t have money to lend, sorry.

That’s a distasteful message. I’d say sorry no can’t do it this time.

Just say no.

Say sorry you are a bit short this month since you've had more expenses due to it being you birthday and include a link to a decent small money lenderer.

If she's so short on cash but can pay you back in two weeks, then she needs to learn to manage her cash flow rather than rely on you to offer her two weeks credit.

She can't afford it now, but she can in two weeks. Learning to save up for things you need or you don't get them is a valuable life skill.

As others say, there will hit a point where she won't pay you back or will emotionally blackmail you in saying I can't pay it back this week, but can next week - just when you really need the money yourself.

I am willing to bet, that if you say you can't give her the £200 she will lay it on thick and emotionally blackmail you anyway. And just generally harass you for money because 'she really really needs it'. Thus very much proving that your relationship is based on you offering credit rather than being a friend.

Ultimately she isn't your responsiblity. And I think she is taking you for granted and a ride and you will get burnt at some point one way or another.

@NoSquirrels

I wouldn’t. Because the larger issue is that she can’t afford to save up for these ‘emergencies’ (I.e. predictable expenses) because she’s always paying back the last lot.

I’d say to her she should put the car off until she’s got the money to pay in 2 weeks. And then she should start saving £50 a week.

Sounds like it’s budgeting and a debt cycle rather than not being able to afford things altogether.

Happy birthday!

My experience has been there are some people who are too immature to save. They lack the will power to do so, and just spunk all their money on pay day on stupid shit because they haven't ever learnt to manage their money.

Its not that they don't have enough money (I know how much their income is), its that they a fool for online ads and prioritise all the wrong things and wonder why they can't pay for the car insurance which is a similar amount every March and know is coming up - but they can afford £1000+ on Christmas presents for their kids.

There are people who geninuely can't afford things and do manage what little they have. But equally there are more who buy everything on credit and pay over the odds as a result, because they have to have things NOW rather than shoving the money in a savings account and having a little patience.

Its part of our instant culture which I think is really damaging and needs addressing.

i had a ‘friend’ like this. it started off with a tenner here and there, then the amounts gradually increased and the time to pay back was extended.

we got to the point where she owed me £200 and was proposing to pay it back in £50 instalments over 2 months! i’m not the bloody Littlewoods catalogue!

i waited until i had the money back then cut her off. she was a fucking nightmare and by the end of our ‘friendship’ was asking me to help her daughter get rehoused, to get her PIP reviewed, to sort arguments between her (adult) children. it was a total headfuck and unbelievably stressful.

and that was my trip to crazytown. i’m much happier (and financially more secure!) without her.

nip this in the bud, OP. at this point are you actually proper friends who hang out and spend time together? or has it dwindled to these constant requests for money?

Talk to your friend OP. Why can she not manage her money? Could she shave down her bills? I suspect we could all do this. Is she spending on takeaways or some other vice?

Long term she should not be relying on you. But I would help my friend rather than just saying NO op.

It's one thing to help a friend out but it's something entirely different to be continually relied on as a financial fail-safe.

Your friend is clearly not managing and needs help with budgeting. Constantly borrowing money is not the answer.

You are free overdraft OP and being used.

I had a friend like this. It was always £10 here, £20 there and they also got to the stage of never saying please or thank you. If she's a real friend, she'll understand why you're saying no and not be so cheeky

@Easterbunnygettingready

She is a user op. Would she have sent a birthday message if it wasn't to tell you she needs 200 quid?? Ime when you own a car you make sure you have funds to maintain it...

Must be lovely to be you! Single mum, 4 kids, works hard, pays her debts back on time. Still in the wrong cos she’s not wealthy. Have all of you with the ‘cheeky mate’ attitude got credit cards? Overdraft facilities? Because maybe her financial status doesn’t allow her these luxuries. If she was my friend, I would lend it. And I wouldn’t be so superior as to be livid about it.

Can you afford to lend it? Will she be screwed over if she can't fix the car?

Not OP's problem. She's being taken for granted.

I'd nix this now, OP. Whatever you do, don't give an explanation. 'I'm afraid that isn't possible' will suffice. Don't give CFs (and yes, she is a CF) leverage to argue back.

Must be lovely to be you!
Single mum, 4 kids, works hard, pays her debts back on time.
Still in the wrong cos she’s not wealthy.

That's a funny way of looking at it. Saying you would lend to your friend is fine but no one is criticising OP's friend for not being "wealthy". PPs have said her message comes across as if she is expecting rather than asking for the money and that she could manage her money better is all.

Guys, you lend people money...you don't borrow people money. You lend to, and borrow from. There is a subtle but very important distinction which prevents your posts from being extremely irritating in a grammatical sense! Please take heed

You say she frequently borrows money. How frequently, and what for?

Why does the car need fixing? Is it urgent, or something that can wait two weeks until she has the money?

What concerns me is that it may ‘only’ be £200 now, but what if it’s more in the future. £1000 for new car, £3000 for new boilers etc. Time to nip this in the bud (unless you know there’s an exceptional circumstance).

Forgot to say, “Happy Birthday”, and really tacky to put request on end of birthday wishes.

I've lent money to my friends (known them all 40+ years). No issue and they have always repaid.

However, I stopped lending money to one friend because I felt that by lending it wasn't helping her situation. She was always skint but borrowing borrowing from me just meant she had even more to pay back.