AIBU to say no to lending money?

[GCSEmum1]

Should probably name change for this as it's outing but meh. My best friend is a single mum of 4. She works really hard but lives week to week.

She had regularly borrowed money from me for the last year or so. She always pays it back on time but I am starting to feel like a human ATM.

This morning she messaged me "happy birthday! I will pop a card over later. Btw, could you lend me £200? I need to get car sorted and can pay you back £100 next Friday then £100 the next week. See you later! xxx"

I'm raging. DH says I should just let it go and she always pays us back so what does it matter. 

AIBU to just text back to say no, we can't lend this time?

Seriously, I'm livid!

I would lend her it to be honest. Yeah she might be taking the piss and you're not an atm but would she ask if she didn't need it? Iv been there in the past an would have been lost without friends an family helping me. As long as she pays you back and you can afford it I would lend it. Xx

But do people actually hear themselves? She needs to learn to budget or put it on a credit card? You realise people are literally living in poverty in this country? I suspect she didn't plan for her car to break down, and if she waits the 2 weeks to save the money she needs to sort it she might not be able to get to work in the meantime, not everyone has or can get a credit card and the OP had already said she lives week to week

But the reality is that, for every person who is genuinely short, there is probably ten times as many people who have failed to factor in saving for things like car repairs but you see them getting takeaways for example. Get your pizza from the supermarket instead of a takeaway and you can probably put 75% of the cost of the takeaway into an emergency fund for when the car breaks down.

Just about everyone can get a credit card as long as they've not already got into a financial mess and having one can prevent the financial mess from happening in the first place.

Not everyone is in that position obviously, but many people are.

We've been had by a 'friend' who kept asking for money and would do the 'I can't feed my kids' line.

We sent money for food and it was swallowed up immediately in overdraft charges so achieved nothing. I offered to help look at her bills, but she just asked for more money, repeating 'I can't feed my kids'.

Stupidly we sent more money (less than £100 in total) but just washed our hands of her when she then asked for money for her internet bill and when she was sending screenshots of her beyond empty bank account, it transpired that she was paying NINETY POUNDS A MONTH to Virgin Media, so no attempt to cut her cloth at all.

We pay less than half that for all TV/Broadband/phone services and still get all sorts - fibre broadband, landline, Netflix and Sky Movies, so it really doesn't need to cost that much at all.

The reality is that some people make no attempt to live within their means and when they run out of money, they see others who have money and expect them to plug the gap. But half the time, the people with money have it because they've gone without and prioritised in a more sensible grown up manner rather spunking all their money on the most expensive version of everything.

Its odd because she's assuming that you will lend it without question.

I wouldn't lend it. It's a lot of money and she is not your responsibility to fund. Is there a way you could go through her finances with her and help her manage her money better? After all, if she was looking for a bank loan she'd have to explain her finances, so if you came at it in a helpful manner she may welcome some input. You say she lives week to week but then say she could pay you back in a couple of weeks. Where is she getting the money to pay you back if she's financially struggling? If she has £200 to pay you back over 2 weeks then surely she's in a position to save money each week and build up a fund for these kind of emergencies.

Nope. I’d put a stop to this immediately as it’s going to cause resentment and problems at some point.

I’d say, sorry no I can’t lend you the money. No need to explain why.

Her response will tell you how much of a friend she actually is. It’s not your responsibility to support her financially, even with just a loan. She needs to sort out her budgeting, constantly loaning her money is enabling her to avoid doing that.

It would be different if it was occasional. But to feel like an ATM implies this is a very regular thing. Trust me, I know what it's like to be a sm of 4, like everyone else you have to try and exist within your means.

I would look at offering more practical support - just things like have you seen the news about energy hikes - changing suppliers can be a massive saver alone. I'd be paying a couple of hundred a year more with some of the bigger companies.

Or have you heard of things like checkout smart? (free and discounted food/drinks and cashback) Talking of cashback the various cashback sites.

Obviously it's all in how you phrase it.

It would depend on how gooder friend she was and how trustworthy

Also how often. Once or twice a year fine. Monthly would irritate me

Happy birthday🎂🎁

Happy Birthday.

I had some like her and in the end had to say no!
Stop for your own sake, believe me it wears you down in the end...

Just make up an excuse that you've just had a massive bill in for electric (underestimated meter reading) or something. to be honest, if you don't cough up, she might fall out with you but she's not much of a friend. i'd be very glad to be shot of someone like her.

It's cheeky and I don't usually approve of lending money. But if she always pays it back on time then I might. But say look this really needs to be the last time.

@Viviennemary

It's cheeky and I don't usually approve of lending money. But if she always pays it back on time then I might. But say look this really needs to be the last time.

Don't say that til after you get your money back though.

Good point

I'd go with Wired's suggestion. Are the amounts always about the same? That's actually a large amount of money to a skint person. Does she usually ask to borrow such an amount or have the sums of money she is asking to borrow been increasing? I'd just start telling her no in ways like Wired suggests.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be!

I wouldn’t. Because the larger issue is that she can’t afford to save up for these ‘emergencies’ (I.e. predictable expenses) because she’s always paying back the last lot.

I’d say to her she should put the car off until she’s got the money to pay in 2 weeks. And then she should start saving £50 a week.

Sounds like it’s budgeting and a debt cycle rather than not being able to afford things altogether.

Happy birthday!

She's taking a lot for granted and I'd say no. If she weren't constantly borrowing and paying back, maybe she'd get herself on a more even keel. And it sounds like she hasn't even got you a present. Not that you're expecting one, I'm sure - but even a bunch of daffs would be a gesture. I bet if you say no, you'll get an argument that'll sour your birthday, too.

Why can't she wait 2 wks until she has the money herself to fix her car? I would be a bit miffed I think to be tapped for cash all the time & expected to have it. I'd have no problem for emergencies but not the 'go to' person every time. I had a friend who was more frequent in her texts, wanting to meet up etc when leading up to asking for a favour. I think I would prob find some reason to say no here & there so she knows you cannot be her guaranteed lender

Happy birthday

I had a friend like this once. It started with small amounts at first, which I always got back but as time went on the amounts got bigger and it took longer to get back until one time a quite large amount never came back. I've never been too keen to lend money after that. I wouldnt be surprised if she is robbing peter to pay paul all month long to try and keep herself afloat. Sad situation but not really your responsibility. Personally I'd just say that you dont have it and thank her for the birthday wish.

I’d maybe say you’ve been saving your spare cash to buy yourself a birthday treat. Might make her think about how crass the timing of her request was.

It’s the automatic assumption that would irk me. I think I would say something like “ooh that’s going to be tough as its the end of the month and things are tight for us too. We could lend you £50 - how about that?” And see what she says. If she is furious then it tells you all you need to know. At the very least, it will alter her mind-set a little....

Having a car break down which is maybe your transport to work, getting kids to school , nursery, childminder is a bit different. I would lend my best friend anything even my car.

She has paid it back every time . Asking when sending a birthday message isn’t ideal. If you have the money and your DH is happy to let it go I would lend it because *she is your best friend
* she works hard
* she always pays it back. She has even told you when she can pay it back.

I lent a colleague some money and then recently gave her some more as it is savings and although I am no longer working it is sitting there. They had some bad luck due to Covid. His company went bust and for the first time in his life he was unemployed. I offered as it came as a big shock literally over the weekend. I give my sister some as she wouldn’t have asked and she isn’t entitled to furlough. I just put it in her account because she is family and some of it was family money. I thought we were asked to be kind to each other but I see a lot of others don’t see it that way.

Some people do live hand to mouth and can’t save. I do agree that maybe sitting down with her might help but perhaps not this time but before the next time. She must consider you her best friend or she wouldn’t ask. I think it is very hard to ask someone to help if you are a single parent.

I used to lend money to someone in a similar circumstance.

I realised after a long time that actually I wasn't helping the situation. Because she knew she could just ask for more, it meant I'd give her £30 for new trainers for the children and she'd be back a couple of days later saying "really sorry, but when we went to get the trainers they weren't in stock, and the children were really miserable, but we saw the DVD we'd wanted to see, so we bought that and then I ordered pizza to make a really nice night. Can I borrow £30 again?

By sometimes not having the money available, she had to think twice about just getting something like that. I certainly didn't begrudge her doing it sometimes-but it started being 2-3 times a month that she'd be buying treats that we wouldn't get because they were expensive.

But because she was doing that, every month she owed more and more. She did always pay me back, but when she moved away, I discovered that she'd been doing similar to at least 5 or 6 others, some of which she didn't always pay back. So beginning of every month she was getting to owing pretty much all that month's money before she started.
Don't know why she always paid me back but not the others. I would say she was scared of dh, but he's the least scary of all the other halves.

The good news is that when she moved away, so she didn't have a network of friends who could lend money, she managed to pull herself together, and got debt free fairly quickly, and is now doing pretty well.

The thing is ‘I need to get car sorted’ could cover a car that’s off-road and urgent repair (not anticipated), or a car that needs a repair costing £200 that could feasibly wait 2 weeks (possible to anticipate). Or that needs taxing and wasn’t budgeted for (should have been factored into budget already).

She hasn’t said “Nightmare! The car’s fucked and I can’t get to work if I don’t get it repaired which will be £200 - any chance you can lend it to me until next Friday?”

Depending on the scenario would depend how I’d respond.