AIBU to say no to lending money?

[GCSEmum1]

Should probably name change for this as it's outing but meh. My best friend is a single mum of 4. She works really hard but lives week to week.

She had regularly borrowed money from me for the last year or so. She always pays it back on time but I am starting to feel like a human ATM.

This morning she messaged me "happy birthday! I will pop a card over later. Btw, could you lend me £200? I need to get car sorted and can pay you back £100 next Friday then £100 the next week. See you later! xxx"

I'm raging. DH says I should just let it go and she always pays us back so what does it matter. 

AIBU to just text back to say no, we can't lend this time?

Seriously, I'm livid!

Don’t lend what you can’t afford to lose is my mentality. If my friends really needed me, I would send them money with no hesitation. I’m on maternity leave at the moment so money is a bit tighter but, in normal circumstances, I’m happy to not get the money back if it’s not too much. When my friend fell out with her parents and was kicked out for the night, I offered to send her money for a hotel so she wouldn’t have to sleep in her car. I wanted a different friend to come to a gathering I was having. She’d originally said yes but had to say no because she couldn’t afford the petrol money. I offered to give her the money for it. I offered in both of those situations and didn’t want the money back.

As a one off and for a good friend for a good reason, I would lend if they asked me. Your friend sounds like she’s starting to take the piss. Yes, she’s paying you back but she has come to expect that you’ll send her whatever amount she asks for and, as PPs have pointed out, hasn’t even said please. YANBU to feel taken advantage of and you can say no if you don’t want to lend it to her.

She hasn't even said please! I would be annoyed to.
If you don't want to lend it, don't.
Given that she always pays it back, I personally would, for a good friend.

But never loan more than you can afford to lose. (speaking from bitter experience)

Its a hard one as I've gone through similar when I was younger. I had a friend that relied on me all the time for loans. It started off like do u fancy going to the cinema. She'd say I've no money and I'd say I'll lend u £20. She'd always pay it back. Come payday she wld sometimes owe me £200 and we only earned about £500 each a month!

I used to treat her to lunch coz she had no money, I used to pay for the taxis if we were going anywhere. I didn't mind as we were both young and living at home but her mum n dad used to take quite a chunk of her tiny wages and mine didn't. I felt sorry for her but she also smoked and cld spend £10 a day on fags and lunch at work easily.

However, it got to the point she was asking for money all the time and wasn't embarrassed at all, it was like she had a right to my money. I started backing away from the friendship a little and eventually said no to lending her money. Funnily enough we quickly drifted apart, she was a total user.

I would be inclined to start saying no to see what happens. I wouldn't want to leave her in the lurch though re a car. So maybe say I can lend u it this time but not that sort of money in future as I'm saving for x and my money will be tied up.

@Cocomarine erm, yes and no. I would probably say ' don't suppose you could help me out for a couple of weeks again ? Car has broken 🙄'

The please is always implied. But, I do know people have a different relationship to us.

If she let herself into my house and made her and her son dinner at my house while I was at work and sent ' me and Ben were bored so we've come to yours. I'll see you after work'. That wouldn't be unexpected or out of line.

But I don't have that relationship with any other of my friends, just her and my family.

Personally, I wouldn't ask to borrow money on her birthday but I can imagine she would because she knows she can.

To be honest if she is a really good friend and has a lot of good qualities, always pays back when she says and I could afford it, I would lend it.
Sure a separate text and a please would have made a difference but I wouldn't be 'raging over it.
If you don't want to just say your skint at the moment.

I don’t think it’s so much the lending it’s the fact it’s happy birthday can I have some cash. Would have been nice to have a card and some flowers etc rather than just here’s a card better produce something before I ask.

I’d help someone out but I think there comes a point when you start to get slightly pissed off with it, because to me if you can pay me back £100 one week and then same the following week you can put money away and have your own emergency pot. If it’s a genuine emergency and you have nothing purse stolen, lost alien invasion yes without hesitation

My mum always said "neither a borrower not a lender be" - so I never lend money unless I can afford to lose it.

To those saying lend it but say it's the last time I can't help but wonder whether that might cause her to take the money but piss her off so you might not get it back. If you are doing that I'd either just say no now or lend her the money and after she gives you it back say you won't be lending her any more as you're putting more into savings which will be tied up (or something like that)

When money lending and borrowing spills over into friendship it’s hard to determine if they are your friend because they genuinely like you and your company and the lending is incidental or is it that they are only your friend because you are able to lend them money or something in between.

Because of the way she has linked the happy birthday with a request for money it’s hard to distinguish if she’s your friend who lends money every so often or a walking ATM / interest free payday loan who she pays lip service to a friendship with.

It’s possible she has slipped into the latter without meaning to and is now taking it for granted that you will lend her the money.

If it’s being going on for some time she may well expect it and plan her spending and budgeting around you being able to pick up any shortfalls without really thinking about it. The risk it that at some point she will take it so much for granted that she will either resent paying you back or be unable to. Any loan should only be as much as you would be prepared to gift her and under no circumstances should you be pushed into financial difficulties because of it.

Can you gently push back on this by refusing or offering only smaller amounts? Or will it affect your friendship?

Nope. The whole tone of that message, even without it being your birthday, indicates that she entirely takes you for granted.
I am very happy to loan/give money to people that I know are appreciative. But the moment someone takes me for granted or acts entitled to it is the moment that I will stop helping them.

Happy birthday!

Say no. She’s really taking the piss. And be out when she pops over if you think it’ll be awkward. M

She needs to find other lines of credit or wait to get her car fixed.

Tell her you can’t as you’ve had a couple of big bills. Cf!

the day you say no,will show the other persons true colours,but i guess it will happen one day,

Can you gently push back on this by refusing or offering only smaller amounts? Or will it affect your friendship?

I’m not sure about the “or” here, if the “friendship” is reliant on OP finding hundreds to loan her at the drop of a hat it’s not a real friendship. And that’s something OP would benefit from knowing.

Happy Birthday lend me some money.. yeah I would say no. Just say you don't have it.

@Morello339 I would still prefer to see a please in your example but - and I appreciate it’s nuanced and depends on the person - I see the “don’t suppose” as indicating slightly apologetic. And that makes it polite, and not just an expectation.

The OP’s friend said, “could I?” which some would feel is polite because it’s conditional, not as direct as “can I?” - but, it’s just a conventional polite form. When I say in the bakery, “could I have that piece of cake please?” there’s nothing conditional about the request!

So her just coming straight out with “could I...” comes across (to me) like someone who just has an absolute expectation of a yes - and that is what would piss me off.

It seems that she could have saved for this - if she can repay £100 for the next of 2 weeks. But because she’s so used to using the OP as her ATM, she doesn’t bother. I expect she doesn’t have to live week to week - she just merrily does so because using Bank of OP stops her from having to grow up and manage her money properly.

No way. She sounds as if she thinks she is totally entitled to your money. Shocking!

Happy birthday

I wonder if she’ll still “pop that card” over if you said no....

If she is always managing to pay you back then she can save for things like this.

Thanks all. I can afford it, and to lose it if repayment wasn't forthcoming; that's not the issue. I think I'm crosser (is that a word?) that she hijacked my birthday message.

Less livid after birthday cake for breakfast but will definitely be having a word (not today!)

It wouldn’t bother me if I could afford it and she paid it back quickly. I’d be happy to help, and I wouldn’t mind her assuming I could if I could. My sister borrows from me like this all the time - and I wouldn’t feel any different if it was a close friend.

But if it does bother you, perhaps because of the amount, or it’s escalating - then just say you are tight this month and can’t.

I wouldn't enable her tbh, if she can pay you back over the next two weeks then she can save for it. She needs to learn how to budget!

Who asks that as part of a birthday greeting? So bloody cheeky. Tell her you have had some big bills and can’t spare anything at the moment. If she gets humpty with you, that will reveal much.

That's cheeky but you e allowed it to happen she will never learn to save/budget for herself as she has you to fall back on say NO. Plus it's YOUR birthday which makes it even worse.

How will you avoid discussing it if she is coming over with a card today?

Saying that, I quite like that option of saying thanks for the card, not mentioning the money... I can understand not wanting to discuss it on your birthday.