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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to lending money?

206 replies

GCSEmum1 · 27/03/2021 09:12

Should probably name change for this as it's outing but meh. My best friend is a single mum of 4. She works really hard but lives week to week.

She had regularly borrowed money from me for the last year or so. She always pays it back on time but I am starting to feel like a human ATM.

This morning she messaged me "happy birthday! I will pop a card over later. Btw, could you lend me £200? I need to get car sorted and can pay you back £100 next Friday then £100 the next week. See you later! xxx"

I'm raging. DH says I should just let it go and she always pays us back so what does it matter. 

AIBU to just text back to say no, we can't lend this time?

Seriously, I'm livid!

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 27/03/2021 14:18

@Ladymouse

Happy Birthday 🎂 Hijacking your birthday message was a bit rude but she maybe desperate. Are you the only one she can rely on? If you can afford it and she pays you back then I would personally keep helping her out. I was in her situation once (not anymore thankfully) but only for a friend like you I would of been really stuck on a few occasions but they were rare. Is it a regular occurance?
It’s says in the OP

She had regularly borrowed money from me for the last year or so

BorderlineHappy · 27/03/2021 14:23

If it was me and i could afford it.I would just give her the £200 but no more lends.
Then she can get back on her feet.

Shinyflecks · 27/03/2021 14:30

You can’t be suddenly ‘livid’.

Is it because it’s your bday?

If you can afford it and she’ll be screwed otherwise then I think you should lend otherwise you’ll feel guilty later but you need to have an open conversation when you’re not livid so you can express how you have been feeling really taken for granted.

Your friendship will be ruined otherwise. Bday lock downs are a bit rubbish - are your feelings more to do with that?

Happy birthday!

ElderMillennial · 27/03/2021 14:30

If it was me and i could afford it.I would just give her the £200 but no more lends.

It isn't a one off though. She has asked lots of times. Should OP have given her the money each time?

BorderlineHappy · 27/03/2021 14:34

@ElderMillennial I never said it was a one off though.I said it would be the last time.

MummytoCSJH · 27/03/2021 14:45

@ElderMillennial

Lending money from someone you trust and always paying them back as arranged isn't automatically being a cheeky fucker.

I think people are confusing "borrow" and "lend"?

OP's friend is asking to "borrow" money

OP would be "lending" the money to her

It's really hard to know whether the friend appreciates OP lending her the money. I'm sure in some way she does as it's obviously important but the fact that she doesn't say please or thank you and seems oblivious to he fact that more of her text today was about borrowing money than OP's birthday suggests to me she is taking OP for granted a bit and is thinking of herself mainly with that text.

Nobody's confused and there's no need to be snarky about it. Where I am it's extremely common to say lending instead of borrowing, colloquialisms can differ depending where you are. I'm on a forum not taking an exam (thank god - haven't studied linguistics and grammar since my A-Levels in English Lang and Lit!) You clearly understood what I meant despite the 'mistake'
MummytoCSJH · 27/03/2021 14:49

I agree we can't know the circumstances (whether she is grateful and whether - despite this regularly happening - it is for actual emergencies as opposed to just spending her last £20 on a takeaway) though. OP must? Makes all of our replies a bit pointless if we're going to assume the worst about someone we don't know. If OP thought she was taking the piss and spending it on unnecessary shit survey she would've said that, but she didn't.

SnackSizeRaisin · 27/03/2021 14:51

I would say no. You probably aren't really helping her as it sounds like she does have the money but is poor at managing it. Also genuinely poor people don't have a car.

Lending money and friendship don't go together. I got stung once lending money to a friend who needed it because she had lent a lot money to her boyfriend, who then buggered off and refused to pay any of it back. When I asked my friend for the money she told me to get it directly from the boyfriend. I did ask him but he said no. I ended up feeling really guilty for asking my friend to give me at least some of it. In hindsight she should have paid me herself. Anyway it taught me a lesson. The only way I would say yes would be very short term cash flow problems such as lost bank card, and only to someone who had never asked before.

sykadelic · 27/03/2021 14:54

She's become reliant on you when she may not actually need to be reliant.

If she's able to pay you back, either the funds are available to her, just slower than if she weren't borrowing from you OR she's putting herself in a hole with each borrow. Does the "car sorted" have to happen right now (i.e. not working?) or can she wait the 2 weeks and save the money herself? Alternatively can she make payments for whatever the "car sorted" thing is?

I'm sure borrowing money from her friend isn't something she wants to do and would get a sense of pride from doing it herself. So would she be willing to have a conversation with a financial planner or someone else who can help her manage her money? Would she listen to you? Would you be willing to help her?

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/03/2021 14:57

I agree the birthday thing doesn’t help.. I needed a favour (not money) from a friend this week.. I deliberately asked a day later because asking on her birthday seemed a bit cheeky / self centred. That said, if I genuinely could afford it, and knew my friend would pay me back, I would lend it. If she ever hadn’t paid it back, or I’d had to chase, the answer would be no.

2bazookas · 27/03/2021 14:57

Just say " Due to a change in our finances I can no longer lend you any money, please don't ask again".

Don't apologise, and don't explain.

ElderMillennial · 27/03/2021 15:09

Nobody's confused and there's no need to be snarky about it. Where I am it's extremely common to say lending instead of borrowing, colloquialisms can differ depending where you are. I'm on a forum not taking an exam (thank god - haven't studied linguistics and grammar since my A-Levels in English Lang and Lit!) You clearly understood what I meant despite the 'mistake'

I don't think I'm snarky. I assume those mixing the two up genuinely don't know it's a mistake so I don't see why it's so wrong to point it out so they know. We're not talking about a typo...

ElderMillennial · 27/03/2021 15:10

I think perhaps OP isn't coming back today as she wants to enjoy her birthday and rightly so.

amc8583 · 27/03/2021 15:19

The message comes across like she isn't asking you, she's telling you she's coming to collect £200! Personally I would say something like "thanks so much for the birthday wishes, I'm sorry it's the end of the month and I can't afford that right now, I'm sure you understand"

Whereso · 27/03/2021 15:22

I totally get why you're fuming.

I had a friend like this, always paid back on time so I kept lending then she came to expect it regularly.

It got to the point where she wouldn't say please either, I'd get messages like "I need to borrow £100 until next Friday"

The final straw for me was when she messaged me asking for money the day I got out of hospital after being in for 2 weeks and almost losing my life.

Draw a line now OP, tell her you're unable to lend anything else. Period.

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 27/03/2021 15:27

Saying no will be painful this time, but you may actually be doing a favour. If your friend smokes or drinks, then this could be reduced or even quiet smoking, which would save money to help get your friend back on their feet. As an example.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/03/2021 15:38

Your friendship will be ruined otherwise.

If that's the case it was never a friendship in the first place.

Taikoo · 28/03/2021 02:49

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Your friendship will be ruined otherwise.

If that's the case it was never a friendship in the first place.

Yes, it sounds like a rubbish friendship to me. That one is using the OP.
1forAll74 · 28/03/2021 04:00

I would not lend this money,especially as it is quite a large amount,and the fact that she borrows from you quite often. It's not the point, that she pays you back,but borrowing from you all the time,is not a good thing to do., as she will use you as her safety net continually.

Ploughingthrough · 28/03/2021 04:27

She's got used to your generosity. One day she won't be able to pay you back - I would do what others have said and say you haven't got it this month, sorry.

Cactusmum · 28/03/2021 04:50

Ive had to back away from a friend for several reasons one of them being money... asked for loans here and there..then a msg while they are on holiday, my card has been eaten by the cash machine can you wire me $1500...i can pay you back when we get back on thursday. Took two weeks after they got back to repay the money and promises every two days that it would be the next day... Dumb me. That was the last time. People will take advantage if you let them.

SarahBellam · 28/03/2021 05:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WisnaeMe · 28/03/2021 05:12

I think it's the assumption that this is acceptable and you will lend it. The amount is pretty large too, I'd start saying No.

Happy Birthday OP Flowers

Nothingyet · 28/03/2021 05:36

Why doesn't she ask one of the fathers to lend her money?

ConkerBonkers · 28/03/2021 09:25

SarahBellam 🙄

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