AIBU to say no to lending money?

[GCSEmum1]

Should probably name change for this as it's outing but meh. My best friend is a single mum of 4. She works really hard but lives week to week.

She had regularly borrowed money from me for the last year or so. She always pays it back on time but I am starting to feel like a human ATM.

This morning she messaged me "happy birthday! I will pop a card over later. Btw, could you lend me £200? I need to get car sorted and can pay you back £100 next Friday then £100 the next week. See you later! xxx"

I'm raging. DH says I should just let it go and she always pays us back so what does it matter. 

AIBU to just text back to say no, we can't lend this time?

Seriously, I'm livid!

More relevantly perhaps OP, don't lend your friend any more money. I was once you and starting to say no was the best thing I did. You will find out her true colours when you start to say no, and you are much better off armed with that information. I was then able to apply those boundaries in future relationships, which became all the more healthier for it. As others have said, you have no way of knowing why she is really your friend, and the fact you are writing a post about it suggests that actually you probably might already know the answer xxx

@Missdotty

Guys, you lend people money...you don't borrow people money. You lend to, and borrow from. There is a subtle but very important distinction which prevents your posts from being extremely irritating in a grammatical sense! Please take heed

I know! Drives me round the fucking twist. But it's apparently snobby to point this out. It confuses people but apparently that's snobby to point out, too.

That is rude.

I will be interested to hear what she says.

@Morello339

I mean, you of course don't have to lend anyone any money but I am shocked at the replies on here about friendship. I would ALWAYS lend my friend if I had it, and she knows she can ask, and vice versa. It has no impact on whether we are 'real friends' or users. We have been friends since the day we started play school.

I think people have a different definition of 'friend' to me. Is she a friend or just a social acquaintance?

I would give any of my close friends anything if they asked because I know if they ever did it would be an absolute last resort and they must really need it. If, like the op’s friend, they asked every week I may feel very differently.

‘Happy birthday, can you lend me money?!’ is a really shit birthday present. No please, no inkling that you might say no!

Must be lovely to be you!
Single mum, 4 kids, works hard, pays her debts back on time.
Still in the wrong cos she’s not wealthy.
Have all of you with the ‘cheeky mate’ attitude got credit cards?Overdraft facilities? Because maybe her financial status doesn’t allow her these luxuries.
If she was my friend, I would lend it. And I wouldn’t be so superior as to be livid about it.

Feel free to PM the OP and lend her money. It's tacky AF and rude to do this to a mate on her birthday. 'Happy Birthday, oh, loan me money.'

If she was my friend I'd stop lending her money because she's got into a pattern of doing this and needs help managing money, not hitting up a human ATM for loans.

That would annoy me too. As has been said, just say 'sorry I can't do it this month. Thanks for the birthday wishes.'

I could be wrong about this, but I am guessing no birthday card will be forthcoming. She won't like it that you are saying NO to lending her the money, as she is so used to using you as a short-term loan company.

IDGAF if she always pays it back; it's hugely inappropriate and bloody cheeky to keep borrowing money off people.

Don't lend her any more money @GCSEmum1

As it’s starting to cause resentment, I’d put a stop to it, hopefully she values your friendship enough to take a refusal in good grace.

I had a similar situation and sorted it with a brief “sorry I can’t help you out any more, we rejigged our finances and all spare cash is now accounted for” message.

And happy birthday!

Would she be a friend if you weren't constantly lending her money?

@Joeblack066

Must be lovely to be you!
Single mum, 4 kids, works hard, pays her debts back on time.
Still in the wrong cos she’s not wealthy.
Have all of you with the ‘cheeky mate’ attitude got credit cards? Overdraft facilities? Because maybe her financial status doesn’t allow her these luxuries.
If she was my friend, I would lend it. And I wouldn’t be so superior as to be livid about it.

What a supremely ridiculous post.

You are clearly the same type of CF who constantly borrows money off people. OR you are an absolute doormat with more money than sense.

The OP doesn't have to lend this woman a single penny. She is not her responsibility.

As a pp said, why don't you PM the OP and lend her the money so she can give it to her 'friend' ???

If someone messaged me and said 'happy birthday, can you lend me £200?' they'd be blocked and ghosted quicker than you could say 'cheeky fucker!'

Also, she is testing you like her interest-free, risk free option!

I'm crosser (is that a word?)

More cross.

It sounds like she has got herself into that spiral situation where the end of the month is short so they borrow, then they pay back so the end of the month is short.

If she is a good friend and this has happened a lot, I think I’d be asking them where the problem is and seeing if I could help them get out of it. Perhaps it could be if a gift for the car to be fixed would help break that cycle. I would be able to do that for a good friend of mine if it would help in the long term. I’d make it clear it was a one off though.

I wouldn't acknowledge the request and only respond if she asks again. It's really tricky one. Bit cheeky too.

I'm glad your friend has always paid you back, OP.

You have done your bit to be supportive, perfectly reasonable to absolutely make no more loans.

Plus dont flame me but if you choose to have 4 children you have to acknowledge it's going to be costly. Plus where is the Dad in this ?.....

She always pays it back if I thought someone I cared about was struggling and always paid it back I would help them. I think maybe the message could have been written better but I don’t think she meant it in the way taken or to be rude. Living week to week as a single working mother is not easy and the fact she pays back shows she is honest and genuine.

Yanbu. But don't be too hard on her. I hate having to ask to borrow money, but I'm really poor so I've had to a couple of times. I never asked a yes answer, but it would've crushed me if they'd had a go! Most of my friends have been generous because of the situation, and I always pay back when I say I will!!

YANBU

I have a friend like this too.. treats me like a human ATM. She always pays it back but asks to borrow again less than 2 days later... every week.

Maybe encourage your friend to get in touch with CAB to go over any debts she has, and to see if she is claiming any benefits she is entitled to.

You are clearly the same type of CF who constantly borrows money off people. OR you are an absolute doormat with more money than sense.

Or secret third option, is a good friend who realises not everyone has had the same opportunities and that it takes a village.

When I was in a financially precarious situation I had parents who could step in and lend me money to tide me over. I’m really grateful for that as it helped me get out of a downward spiral that was increasingly costing me more in overdraft fees and I just couldn’t get ahead. Was I a CF for accepting their help? Or don’t you consider good friendship as the same as family?

It really opened my eyes to how quickly people can become trapped in debt. Now I have more money, and more sense. If I was asked to pay more tax so the government could make more short term help available to get out of it, I’d do it in a heartbeat. The long term benefit of doing that far outweighs the cost. Until then, if a friend is in that situation and I can help, I will.

I know someone who does this. Because they pay it back they assume the money is theirs to borrow/lend/scrounge (whatever) again.

Plus dont flame me but if you choose to have 4 children you have to acknowledge it's going to be costly. Plus where is the Dad in this ?.....

Of course I’ll flame you. Perhaps the dad died. Perhaps he ran off with another woman and pays only the bare minimum. Perhaps he was abusive and she found the strength to leave. Perhaps he was paying his share but lost his job during the pandemic. My neighbour’s husband just up and left. Completely disappeared. He’s been missing for 3 years, leaving her with 4 kids.

I assume you do understand that people’s situations can change and nobody would be shamed for that.

I currently have 5 x dc at home. And a car. Wouldn't assume to use a friend to fund my life...
The 4 dc and the car are not the op's responsibility.. Even if she was a millionaire!!
And actually it is lovely to be me thanks!!

Just say you can't afford - and give a reason why (unexpected bill?) you can loose a friend over money - I have fallen victim to this in the past - being too kind and loosing £120

@MintyMabel yes of course I understand. (I know all too well). My point being is that she is obviously struggling and he should be about to help out. Obvs death and job loss notwithstanding. OP do you know where Dad is ?
Trying to think of solutions to help....could she make an arrangement with the garage to pay back when she has the money rather than owe it to you? Or can the work wait till she does have it?
I think unfortunately the timing of the request plus the lack of manners has not helped the case. Perhaps she is panicked and her primary thought is how to get the car back on the road (if it's off) and it's all got a bit muddled.

Happy Birthday 🎂
Hijacking your birthday message was a bit rude but she maybe desperate. Are you the only one she can rely on? If you can afford it and she pays you back then I would personally keep helping her out. I was in her situation once (not anymore thankfully) but only for a friend like you I would of been really stuck on a few occasions but they were rare. Is it a regular occurance?