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Original poster

AIBU to say no to lending money?

206 replies

GCSEmum1 · 27/03/2021 09:12

Should probably name change for this as it's outing but meh. My best friend is a single mum of 4. She works really hard but lives week to week.

She had regularly borrowed money from me for the last year or so. She always pays it back on time but I am starting to feel like a human ATM.

This morning she messaged me "happy birthday! I will pop a card over later. Btw, could you lend me £200? I need to get car sorted and can pay you back £100 next Friday then £100 the next week. See you later! xxx"

I'm raging. DH says I should just let it go and she always pays us back so what does it matter. 

AIBU to just text back to say no, we can't lend this time?

Seriously, I'm livid!

OP posts:
HettySunshine · 27/03/2021 10:10

The lack of 'please' and 'thank you' in her message is shocking. She has no doubt that you will say yes and has no compunction about using a cursory birthday message as an excuse to ask for more money.

I'd be saying no and telling her that basic manners would be appreciated in future.

Wallabing · 27/03/2021 10:13

That's super cheeky but I wouldnt want to fall out over it, sounds like a friendship worth keeping so I'd be as kind as I can when addressing it.

I'd have to tell her that whilst she's reliable and always paying you back, you're starting to feel a little bit like a bank rather than a friend, specifically wishing you a happy birthday and tagging a request for cash on the back of it. I'd add that 200 is a lot of money and whilst you can spare it now, you're worried about the friendship if you don't have the money to spare for future requests and don't want her to become dependent on you in these situations. Maybe it's time to halt the cycle you've fallen into.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 27/03/2021 10:15

It’s not the amount of money, it’s the expectation. I couldn’t look at someone in the same way if they were so brazen.

Rainbowshine · 27/03/2021 10:17

If you don’t want to discuss it when she comes over you could say that as it’s your birthday you haven’t had the chance to think about whether you can or not this time. That’ll give her food for thought. Her reaction will also give you an idea of whether she’s assuming that she’ll get the money or is a bit more mindful that you’re doing her a massive favour.

CirqueDeMorgue · 27/03/2021 10:18

Raging and livid haha

ElderMillennial · 27/03/2021 10:19

I was going to say if she raises it you could say "I'll have to think about it but not planning to look at my finances today since it's my birthday"

HeckyPeck · 27/03/2021 10:20

It sounds like you've been happily lending her money (at least happily as far as she is aware) for a while, so if you haven't said anything it doesn't seem fair to be livid at her for not knowing you're annoyed by it.

Hope you have a lovely birthday!

SurreyFlurry92 · 27/03/2021 10:23

Asking to borrow money is typically a mortifying last resort action but your friend has become so comfortable with asking you for money she has asked you in the same breath as wishing you a happy birthday!? Astounding.

As kind and helpful as you have been by lending her money previously have you considered you may actually be enabling her and not helping her situation in the long run? Your friend may be hardworking but perhaps she needs the motivation to find a better paying role, work for a promotion, take on more hours/ a further job. She could also speak with a financial advice service (citizens advice bureau?) to see if there are any grants or benefits she can access.

Perhaps on this occasion do as others have suggested and tell her you aren’t in a good position to lend money anymore, leave it at that every time she asks and hopefully she gets the message.

Ultimately (I feel) you need to help her help herself.

Happy birthday by the way OP - no strings attached with that message Wink

PineappleCat · 27/03/2021 10:25

When she comes over, don't mention it if she brings it up just say "it's my birthday today, not discussing money matters today I haven't had time to think about it."
And then tomorrow decline and tell her why. Don't hand it over for a quiet life, this is probably why she just expects it.

JustSleepAlready · 27/03/2021 10:28

Think she’s casual about it because that’s how you both have appeared to approach it? I lend money to someone who always pays it back when they say they will, sometimes before. I wouldn’t see someone go without if I could help and they have always paid it back. I get she didn’t ‘say’ please and tacked it onto your birthday wishes, but I don’t think she meant to be rude? Only you would know that. I guess I’d you don’t want to lend her money anymore just say we can’t afford to , sorry. I get that some people would rather ask and repay family or friends than take out an urgent last minute deal at 9999%. I guess only you can answer your question.

Plonthy · 27/03/2021 10:29

You should have told her to fuck off.

200 times.

One for each of the pounds she wanted.

Hocuspocus99 · 27/03/2021 10:29

The question is when will it ever stop ? You will start to resent that the fact that your relationship is based on whether or not you will lend her money . Time will tell if she is a true friend when the day comes and you cannot give her some money and you will be able to see her reaction ! That will be the turning point . It is a very difficult situation because you want to help your friend but when it comes to a regular occurrence you feel you are somewhat being used .

MrsMoastyToasty · 27/03/2021 10:31

Just reply

"I can't lend what I don't have myself "

Spied · 27/03/2021 10:35

If she always pays it back without you waiting or having to chase her for it and if she was a good friend then I'd probably borrow the money. However it would annoy me the way she has asked and I would wonder, if you said 'no' whether that Birthday card would actually arrive.Hmm
If you're so kind and such a good friend that you'd borrow me money, I think I'd probably bring you a cake or make something for you to show my gratitude rather than pop by with a card in exchange for £200. I'd feel a bit rude.

memberofthewedding · 27/03/2021 10:35

Sorry - bit skint this month so no can do. XX, friend.

ElderMillennial · 27/03/2021 10:38

If she always pays it back without you waiting or having to chase her for it and if she was a good friend then I'd probably borrow the money. However it would annoy me the way she has asked and I would wonder, if you said 'no' whether that Birthday card would actually arrive.hmm
If you're so kind and such a good friend that you'd borrow me money,

I think you mean "lend" rather than "borrow"

canigooutyet · 27/03/2021 10:40

If things are that tight, don't waste your money on my birthday. Anyway, skint at the moment, you know how it is.

AWamBamBoom · 27/03/2021 10:47

@Plonthy

You should have told her to fuck off.

200 times.

One for each of the pounds she wanted.

Good God , is it the school holidays already ? Happy Birthday @GCSEmum1 , I hope you have a lovely day
Easterbunnygettingready · 27/03/2021 10:49

Always lending isn't helping her budget /manage her own life. I was on my own with 4 x dc. It's tough... I only ever went to my dgm for money though. If she is so bold to ask - you be so bold as to offer to help her with budget shopping ideas!

MummytoCSJH · 27/03/2021 10:52

As someone who has borrowed from close friends in desperate times in the past and lends money to close friends if they need it now, it doesn't sound like she expects it. It sounds like she trusts she can come to you as opposed to taking out a ridiculously expensive payday loan and then struggling. With a close friend, the please is implied. The birthday and lending text rolled into one is inappropriate yes and I would mention that it upset you a bit. But do people actually hear themselves? She needs to learn to budget or put it on a credit card? You realise people are literally living in poverty in this country? I suspect she didn't plan for her car to break down, and if she waits the 2 weeks to save the money she needs to sort it she might not be able to get to work in the meantime, not everyone has or can get a credit card and the OP had already said she lives week to week and has 4 children - circumstances change before anyone says she shouldn't have had them if she can't afford them. She always pays OP back on time. Lending money from someone you trust and always paying them back as arranged isn't automatically being a cheeky fucker. God I would feel sick if one of my friends got themselves into debt trouble when I could've helped them at no consequence to myself, and would worry more about the friendship if they didn't feel they could come to me!

Happy Birthday OP Cake

Bellringer · 27/03/2021 10:57

If I could really easily afford it I would give her the money and say it's the last time

ElderMillennial · 27/03/2021 10:58

Lending money from someone you trust and always paying them back as arranged isn't automatically being a cheeky fucker.

I think people are confusing "borrow" and "lend"?

OP's friend is asking to "borrow" money

OP would be "lending" the money to her

It's really hard to know whether the friend appreciates OP lending her the money. I'm sure in some way she does as it's obviously important but the fact that she doesn't say please or thank you and seems oblivious to he fact that more of her text today was about borrowing money than OP's birthday suggests to me she is taking OP for granted a bit and is thinking of herself mainly with that text.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/03/2021 10:58

If she can always pay you back, it's probably the case that she has enough money, she's just not managing as well as she could be and making just a few changes will put enough slack in the system that she'll be able to ride out ups and downs in expenses by herself.

OTOH, she might be constantly borrowing from you because she's already burned bridges with banks and other finance providers and other friends/family members. What does her spending look like to the outsider? Does she appear to live a frugal life, or is she always spending money on things like takeaways, clothes, other online shopping etc etc that she could cut back a bit on/reprioritise?

But anyway, I'd probably say sorry that I was unable to lend money this time, but had noticed she was doing this a lot and would ask if she needed any help managing her finances and then offer to go through things with her, or point her towards Moneysavingexpert if she doesn't want to share details/prefers to look at it herself.

It could simply a matter of using a credit card to pay for car repairs and paying the bill off in full when she gets paid. Or cancelling some subscriptions, renegotiating her bills,or having a really lean month groceries and discretionary spending wise and using up any stocks she has in, possibly selling anything she doesn't need, to build up a bit of a float for the inevitable irregular but essential expenses that will crop up sooner or later.

thecatsthecats · 27/03/2021 10:59

I'd say "thanks, looking forward to seeing you, DH got me xyz" and completely ignore the money request.

She will then have to:

  • ask again by text (possibly more politely, possibly not)
  • ask in person (nicely or not)
  • realise that she goofed and not ask again at all

My aim would be to give her a chance to correct herself, and if not, frankly say "honestly, it was a bit of a downer on my lockdown birthday to be treated like an ATM with so much as a please by a dear friend".

TellingBone · 27/03/2021 11:01

Saying no this time disrupts her default thinking that you're the ATM and sets a precedent for any future requests.

No need to give a reason.

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