My husband says “notallmen”

[Lastchancesalonco]

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

He is probably scared that the massive backlash against the police and male violence will erode his male priveledge. Poor diddums.

That’s his opinion, he’s allowed one. Maybe he’s felt unsafe at some point in his life. Honestly what a world we live in now where ppl aren’t allowed differing opinions and where men aren’t allowed to feel unsafe! Get over yourself and let your husband have his valid feelings. He may have expressed them in a clunky way and also he thought about what you said and changed his mind a bit.

Point out to him that "not all men" is a sure sign of a sexist who doesn't get it, and that it might be an idea to keep that thought to himself.

And until the men who terrorise, attack and abuse women are forced to wear some identifying clothing or have "sex criminal" tattooed on their foreheads, it might as well be all men. Women have no idea which men are "safe" so have to regard them all as potential threats until they have established otherwise.

My husband is correct when he says not all men. That doesn’t negate the experience of the overwhelming majority of women.

It doesn’t mean many men are harmed, assaulted or attacked. The statistics are that men are more likely to be assaulted or killed. Gay and transgender men are particularly at risk.

Acknowledging that doesn’t mean accepting attacks and harassment of women is inevitable. It means we should be seeking ways to reduce the risks for all.

My stock response to ‘not all men’. Is now, yes ‘not all women are sexually assaulted on their way home after dark either, we all have our freedoms curtailed though’

My DP said this too. He’s not white so I said it’s on a par with All lives matter comment then he got it.

I don't think the exchange was terrible. He said something daft, maybe something he has heard at work. His daughter pushed back hard. He realised what the problem is. Your DD will learn that pushing back on male authority figures is the way to change their minds. Your DH will learn to sort through true statements before using them to see if they are hiding some prejudice or lack of thought. You will learn to be quicker off the mark. Win:win:win.

I think you're being a bit OTT. I assume he was trying to say that not all men are a danger to women and it sounds like you two jumped down his throat. Misunderstanding by the sounds of it.

It's a perfectly valid point. I say not all men as well. We thankfully live in a time where generalisations and stereotyping is unacceptable.

Not ALL animals are endangered, does that mean we shouldn't be concerned about the ones that are?

Well done to you and your daughter here.

I do wonder if things will change when 'normal' men see and experience how the women in their lives are enraged (and affected!!) by it all.

My response to "not all men" is simply "too f**cking many"

@LadyMonicaBaddingham

Not ALL animals are endangered, does that mean we shouldn't be concerned about the ones that are?

Good one.

My husband has never ‘not all men’-ed me, but he’s said other things in the past that made me think he didn’t quite get it.

However he was watching the clip of Jess Phillips reading the names of women killed by male violence and was visibly shocked - it was a bit of a penny dropping moment and we’ve had some really big discussions since. Maybe show him that?

Another moment was when he went for his allowed walk earlier in this lockdown, it wasn’t till after dark as he’d barely left his desk all day. When he came back he had muddy shoes and I asked where he’d been and he told me his route which involved the park (big sprawling park not lit) and a dark overgrown footpath nearby - shortest route to the shop admittedly but not somewhere I’d consider walking after about 5pm in winter. He couldn’t understand why I was surprised but then he’s a 6’2 bloke who never gave it a second thought. I reminded him that the week prior I’d been at the park with the baby and he text me at about 3pm to remind me it would be going dark soon as he was worried we’d have to walk home (a different more overlooked way but still) in the dark. I think he recognised the disparity then too.

To be fair to him, not all men are like that and the calls for a 6pm curfew are taking it too far, although it will never happen anyway.

My response to "not all men" is simply "too fcking many"

This.

We know it's not all men BUT all men need to acknowledge the issue and do something about it. Until this happens nothing will change.

@LakieLady

Point out to him that "not all men" is a sure sign of a sexist who doesn't get it, and that it might be an idea to keep that thought to himself.

And until the men who terrorise, attack and abuse women are forced to wear some identifying clothing or have "sex criminal" tattooed on their foreheads, it might as well be all men. Women have no idea which men are "safe" so have to regard them all as potential threats until they have established otherwise.

This! 💯

My husband who is a feminist said this too and I was shocked. We had a chat and I explained of course it’s not all men but you wouldn’t say “all lives matter” to someone talking about their experience of racism and he realised why it wasn’t right to say “not all men” when women are talking about male violence and sexism. Sounds like your husband is going to get it too after what your daughter said.

YABU; he’s right.

@NailsNeedDoing

To be fair to him, not all men are like that and the calls for a 6pm curfew are taking it too far, although it will never happen anyway.

It was never a serious suggestion. It was a statement to highlight that fact women live under a curfew every bloody day because we're scared of men.

I don't believe in telling people what they should think. You exchanged views and he got an insight into your world view which gave him pause. Perhaps at work now he will share these points. Men and the police are being held to account as a class and that does result in feeling threatened and alienated.

He is right though, it's not all men. I hate that we cannot say this because the simple fact is that it is not all men.

Women do not have an unspoken curfew. All people out at night have to be more careful, all people at night should be looking after there safety. Yes there ate bad apples but actually a recent spate of muggings in my area have been done by a group of women but no we must not speak about that.

As a woman I find it so depressing to read how we have become this stereotypical hysterical women. Yes we have to be careful, yes there are dangers out there but to make our young women scared of all men is insane.

I blame a year of lockdowns, nothing else to focus on and no social norms for a year.

Considering 98% of women say they have had some form of sexual harassment- it may not be ALL men but is sure an awful lot of men. Some of those men will now be spouting the same crap. At least you and your daughter are there to educate him!

Well, tbh it's how I feel when men bang on about stuff that women supposedly do so I wouldn't exactly write him off for it.

I don't think your husband is irredeemable here but I doubt that this is a new attitude, just one brought out by current events.
A lot of men feel quite defensive and, not surprisingly, want to distance themselves from being the bad guy. It's also true that men are on the receiving end of a lot of male violence. But, generally speaking the violence is not coming from women.

This, surely, is akin to arguing against racism with 'not all white people are racist'. That's true, but doesn't change the very obvious fact that racism is pervasive and damaging and needs to be talked about.