My husband says “notallmen”

[Lastchancesalonco]

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

@RootyT00t

I meant that it feels like you’re constantly derailing any attempts to talk about the subject of male violence by constantly telling us that it isn’t all men. When nobody has said that it is all men.

The reality is that you don’t disagree with the substance of what’s being said. You just don’t like the anger. But the vast majority of us have suffered sexual assault or know others who have. The result of that will be anger. I agree that it can be misdirected at times, and some comments have crossed the line (like the one you’ve referred to several times), but you might do well to understand where the anger is coming from.

rooty There is - someone further up, or on the dadsnet thread referred to it.
You've sat on your phone/laptop all day, in order to undermine this thread. I'll happily withdraw from exchanging with you.

@Pan2

rooty There is - someone further up, or on the dadsnet thread referred to it. You've sat on your phone/laptop all day, in order to undermine this thread. I'll happily withdraw from exchanging with you.

What are you talking about? I've read your first sentence three times and can't make sense of it.

Have I been sitting on my phone all day by myself? With nobody else engaging?

Also, you have never engaged with me until now, so I'm not sure how you can withdraw. Thanks for the announcement though.

What a bizarre post.

[quote Mittens030869]@RootyT00t

I meant that it feels like you’re constantly derailing any attempts to talk about the subject of male violence by constantly telling us that it isn’t all men. When nobody has said that it is all men.

The reality is that you don’t disagree with the substance of what’s being said. You just don’t like the anger. But the vast majority of us have suffered sexual assault or know others who have. The result of that will be anger. I agree that it can be misdirected at times, and some comments have crossed the line (like the one you’ve referred to several times), but you might do well to understand where the anger is coming from.[/quote]
I've never said it isn't all men.

I've said I can see the points of the NAMALT campaign which is what this thread is about

The reality is that you don’t disagree with the substance of what’s being said. You just don’t like the anger. But the vast majority of us have suffered sexual assault or know others who have. The result of that will be anger. I agree that it can be misdirected at times, and some comments have crossed the line (like the one you’ve referred to several times), but you might do well to understand where the anger is coming from.

I agree with you

I do agree where the anger is coming from. Everyone glosses over the fact I have been an abuse victim and known a murdered woman to paint me out as the arsehole.

Doesn't mean I have to agree with it.

Don't get me wrong though, I do generally challenge misogyny but I'm not 100% on board with sins of the fathers or this group responsibility. I prefer seeing people as individuals and in some ways class review takes away the individual and creates a generic group doesn't speak to the individual.

No one is seeking to actively punish you for anyone elses crimes though. It's just people feeling affronted which is pretty so what. I don't take personal individual responsibility for the personal individual actions of another person and I never will, unless I stood by and literally allowed it to happen. I can challenge behaviour and opinions, I have stepped in to help people despite being wholly unsuited to it. There are loads of people that do not even do the basics though

Mittens, the reason I keep referring to that comment is that many people have now told me it crossed the line, yet not one person challenged it.

@Robbo94 of course you were not responsible for the actions of the man choking his gf. He alone is responsible. You clearly know that violence is wrong. I'm a 5ft woman who has made the decision to sit next to another woman on public transport more than once when they were being harassed by a man to provide support because I know it is wrong. People have done the same for me in similar situations and I'm grateful.

[quote Hobbitytoes]@Robbo94 of course you were not responsible for the actions of the man choking his gf. He alone is responsible. You clearly know that violence is wrong. I'm a 5ft woman who has made the decision to sit next to another woman on public transport more than once when they were being harassed by a man to provide support because I know it is wrong. People have done the same for me in similar situations and I'm grateful.[/quote]
That I agree with.

A bin man once hollered at me and beckoned me over like I was an old friend , because he could see I was being followed.

Now if I believed the narrative, I would have ran from the bin man too.

I agree with you about the comment, I missed it at the time. It’s wrong that it wasn’t challenged at the time, yes.

But what more do you want posters to say?

I've said I can see the points of the NAMALT campaign which is what this thread is about

There is no point to NAMALT because literally nobody is saying it is all men!!!!!!

@RootyT00t that poster was completely over the line in what they said. I

[quote Hobbitytoes]@RootyT00t that poster was completely over the line in what they said. I[/quote]
But nobody challenged her. Not one. Why?

@TheJerkStore

I've said I can see the points of the NAMALT campaign which is what this thread is about

There is no point to NAMALT because literally nobody is saying it is all men!!!!!!

But that's not true, Jerk.

As with anything.

You are intelligent and your posts are thought provoking even though we disagree.

But you unfortunately are not representative of a whole host of other people who are.

Also,, do you think that every single person who is saying NAMAlT as a man is doing so cause they're so self obsessed? Are you allowing for the possibility that for some it's their clumsy way of reassuring you?

@Mittens030869

I agree with you about the comment, I missed it at the time. It’s wrong that it wasn’t challenged at the time, yes.

But what more do you want posters to say?

Nothing. I only reference it in response to the many posters who ask questions along the lines of 'who says we don't care about men? 'who says we dismiss men's feelings? Etc

Please quote someone who has said it’s all men. I think you’ll find that none of us agree with them.

Yes, it probably has been said elsewhere. But we’ve all agreed so why does it keep needing to be repeated?

@RootyT00t

Also,, do you think that every single person who is saying NAMAlT as a man is doing so cause they're so self obsessed? Are you allowing for the possibility that for some it's their clumsy way of reassuring you?

I understand what you're saying BUT I reserve the right to say that's not the best way to reassure us and that it does make them self obsessed

I don't disagree, Jerk.

@Mittens030869

Please quote someone who has said it’s all men. I think you’ll find that none of us agree with them.

Yes, it probably has been said elsewhere. But we’ve all agreed so why does it keep needing to be repeated?

Because the campaign isn't against 10 educated people on Mumsnet. Just because we think differently here doesn't give is the right to dismiss a full campaign.

It's the equivalent of dismissing the BLM campaign because nobody in a discussion thinks that they don't.

*Make them sound self obsessed

I know it's not all men, because many times in my life, a man has helped keep me safe from another man, or from potential assault. They are true allies, and I remember everyone of them.

Sadly, the number of men who have harassed, assaulted, and abused me, or sought to exploit me, is far greater, than those who have helped, aided, and protected me.

That does not negate the allies, nor do the allies negate the predators.

Many men do not have the same emotional communication skills as women. We know this.