My husband says “notallmen”

[Lastchancesalonco]

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

We need to stop sorting ourselves into warring factions.

I expect that your h is pretty offended. An officer who helps people, including women in violent situations, is tarred by virtue of being a man.

My ds actually said to me, I feel like I am a piece of shit because I am male and white.

It is absolutely not all men. I can say this because it is my opinion and fortunately we do still have the remnants of free speech. Only the remnants though, because you can be cancelled if you do not toe the party line. (The Twitter Party).

And don’t forget the number of women assaulted is far, far larger than the number of men who assault. Each of these bastards has hundreds or thousands of victims.

I mean would you bloody say that all suicide bombers are Muslims, and we can’t tell which Muslims are suicide bombers? Or would you say that they are the absolute minority and going against what decent Muslims believe and do. Because this is how we are treating men. We are actively stereotyping them and discriminating against them because they’re men. My dh was involved in a promotion discussion for 3 candidates. 2 men, one woman. The best candidate by far was one of the men. The other man and the woman were about equal, but way below the man who deserved the promotion. The woman was promoted, because she was a woman and it was better for “optics”. The man who deserved the promotion is now underpaid because of his sex. Just because women suffered this in the past, it doesn’t make up for that to do this to men. 2 wrongs don’t make a right! Or perhaps they do in this fucking terrible world we have made for ourselves.

[quote Cam77]It's also true that men are on the receiving end of a lot of male violence

Correct - more men are attacked by other men than are women.
Men are also on the receiving end of a lot of female violence.

www.irishtimes.com/opinion/are-men-victims-of-domestic-violence-to-the-same-extent-as-women-1.992351
www.theguardian.com/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence[/quote]
My son was punched in the face by his partner, he had a 2 year old on his lap and a baby in his arms. He couldn't retaliate and he wouldn't but he couldn't even defend himself by putting his arms up, my GS, the 2 year old, was hysterical. My ex DIL has a terrible relationship with my nearly adult GS, he doesn't remember the incident as far as I know but from then on he hasn't wanted to live with her.

My son put up with the violence and verbal and financial abuse for some years due to the children but he eventually got away but she got residence of the children. She told blatant lies to a social worker, I pointed out several things that were clearly untrue but the social worker didn't want to know.

My GS says when he goes to uni he will never go back. I can honestly say I can't remember the last time I heard her say anything nice to him or about him. She is extremely controlling but is losing control now due to him growing up and she doesn't like it.

It isn't all women but it is some.

Your husband probably just meant that men cannot all be tarred with the same brush. Most of us know that.

christmasjoy
They term hysterical is misogynistic and by calling women hysterical you are part of the problem.

I ignored your point about female mugging in your area because it's not relevant in a discussion about male violence against women.

Nobody is saying it's all men - not one. Nobody is saying women are never violent. But that's not the point. It's just a whole load of 'whataboutery' and it detracts from the issue being addressed.

I expect that your h is pretty offended. An officer who helps people, including women in violent situations, is tarred by virtue of being a man
My ds actually said to me, I feel like I am a piece of shit because I am male and white

I’m much more offended by the number of women murdered and raped, by the porn men get turned on over, by the street harassment that starts at such a young age. I don’t really give a shit if some men get their feelings hurt by women talking about this.

He's right through it isn't all men, and as serving police officer he is more aware of what actually happening. And by the way I find your describing his job it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. as very dismisses. Most policing is low level crime.

A curfew for just men is wrong and thank god it would never happen. Women need to be responsible for their own actions too.

many men are harmed, assaulted or attacked.

I've been all 3 of them

Never raped though, although I'm pretty sure that would have happened once without a friends intervention

But I'll take the punch to the head any day over being sexually assaulted or raped

I don't think it's really a like for like comparison

A lot of men don't understand how they can call out sexism and support women without risking being seen as taking over or acting because they are a man and are therefore more capable of dealing with it than the female victim would be.

They don't understand how "equality" squares with the concept that it's ok to treat men and women differently. Throwing out ideas like a curfew for men doesn't help bring them onside, it pushes them away. Gives them a "well fuck you then" attitude. (This is human nature - after I was disrupted by the climate change protests a few years back, I made the conscious decision not to recycle anything. I didn't drive, didn't fly, recycled as much as possible, yet still got punished by idiots gluing themselves to trains. Fuck 'em.)

Tell women they can't vote, don't deserve equal pay, should dress appropriately if they don't want to get raped, should stay at home doing the cooking and cleaning and generally shut up doesn't make women more likely to do these things - it makes us more vocal and push back against them.

Therefore, if men feel threatened (and it doesn't really matter if that's not the intention) they are likely to be more vocal and push back too.

I wonder if another analogy helps? A is telling B how devastated she is because her beloved child has died at the age of, say, 3. B responds "I know just how you feel - my beloved grandmother aged 191 has just died". A is the woman afraid if being out after dark. B is the belittling man.

If this is nonsense I know you,ll say so - I, just trying to think of a way of framing this.

@dontdisturbmenow

I have been using the following analogy to try & explain how women feel Except it's not a comparable analogy. Change one maltese in poi amongst 100, 000 or more, than would you still refuse to eat one, whilst taking some precautions such as smelling it?

That's more comparable.

Have you lost your mind? It's not 1 in a 100,000 men who sexually assault, attack, abuse, become violent, rape or murder. 1 in 3 women have been raped. It's not the same guy raping us all. 🤦🏻‍♀️

No i am not my mother but are you a fellow woman undermining my experince? Growing up in a DV situation and seeing my mother going through the system.

Are you saying only women who have been through the system can comment?

My mother had a very positive experince with the system. I am not saying all women do and have repeatedly said that open discussion is needed but we cannot blame all men and if you do yes it sounds hysterical.

How is teaching your son to be respectful of women teaching him he's a piece of shit? Sorry I don't get that.

Not making light of men that do suffer serious violence but if those stats contain every time some bloke got whacked then it's bullshit isn't it

Agree a lot of men feel defensive and unfairly tarred by the same brush. Also as a police officer he’s probably far more aware of the statistics that male on male violence, particularly stranger-based violence, is hugely more common than violence involving women. So I can kind of see where he’s coming from - yes, men are still the problem in those situations, but it’s other men who are also at risk and the victims too. It’s not a competition though, both need to be fixed.

Hi @Lastchancesalonco

YABU and seemingly overreacting massively. Can you explain what he actually said that you disagreed with? (And is there something otherwise wrong between you that is behind all this.)

A policeman has been arrested on suspicion of murder. Not all police murder but this one has created a conversation.

How does you dh suggest we know which person in uniform is there to murder?

Does he think it shouldn't be discussed?

Kate Middleton put flowers down at the vigil, she had personal protection officers with her. Why is that? Very few people want to harm Kate Middleton but when ever she is out in public she has guards. She is probably safer now as a royal than she was in London solo.

Most women don't have body guards, we have to take the precautions ourselves.

A curfew for just men is wrong and thank god it would never happen. Women need to be responsible for their own actions too

Yeah I wouldn’t worry about that, it’d never happen. It has happened to women of course, but never men. Phew!

I think the fact that he listened and thought about it and understood apologised is what matters.

@Christmasjoy

No i am not my mother but are you a fellow woman undermining my experince? Growing up in a DV situation and seeing my mother going through the system.

Are you saying only women who have been through the system can comment?

My mother had a very positive experince with the system. I am not saying all women do and have repeatedly said that open discussion is needed but we cannot blame all men and if you do yes it sounds hysterical.

When you wrote about the system and how it's no that bad in this country then yes. If you haven't experienced it then you have no idea. And your mother didn't do a very good job if you use the word hysterical about women

@Silenceisgolden20

I've been through the system and I don't go spouting not all men. I know it's not all men. But I support women and I would never call them hysterical for putting a spotlight on this subject.

I am sorry for you having experienced what you have but you seem to miss my point that by blaming all men.. A blanket brush against them...is hysterical and rather than discuss my comments you took offence and then forced me to reveal that I had experienced some trauma by a man as only then would I have any kind of validation to my opinion as it was different to yours.

I would reccomend perhaps learning all points are valid even if we disagree and healthy open discussion, even a debate is a good and helps everyone heal and move in the right direction.

Posters are not blaming all men. You are missing the whole point

@Hoppinggreen

A while ago we had friends round and the men were discussing being falsely accused of assault/inappropriate behaviour etc. I asked them if they were concerned about being left alone with another man in case they were accused of sexually assaulting him. They all said no and I asked why “Because I wouldn’t do that” - then the penny dropped

Bit of a problem with the men you know, I just asked DH the same question and he said, "Because I don't think a man would falsely accuse me."

I will add he would never give DDs friends a life home on his own, either I did it or DD or I would go as well. When he was a police officer he dealt with rapes and false accusations and is wary of both but I still think it is off that your male friends think they would sexually assault women.

Right on OP the sooner we can report these errant family members for wrongthink and re-education the better

Is this meant to be ironic?

It's deeply saddening that a decent police officer who risks his life every day to protect the public cannot express his honest opinion to his own family (wife and DD). They have to shut him up and open a thread on a public forum to continue to bash the police, instigate vitriol and endanger him next time he goes to work. I sincerely cannot understand this at all

My ds actually said to me, I feel like I am a piece of shit because I am male and white

Well I feel like shit because my mum was murdered by her partner because she wanted to leave him

I'm sure the families of the two women a week murdered by their male partners feel like shit too

I'm also sure the 97% of women who have experienced sexual harassment felt like shit and some still will.....

Instead of feeling sorry for himself he should be thinking about what he can do to fix this issue. How can he address the issue of male violence in society .... if more men did this the world would be a better place for everyone! Not just women.

@christmasjoy
Where have I taken offence? I'm literally replying to you.
Where have you learnt these gaslighting techniques?