My husband says “notallmen”

[Lastchancesalonco]

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

Amazing how it’s Not All Men when women are discussing abuse against them, but then when a man says he’s scared, that’s perfectly valid 🙄 it’s just a way to shut women up.

It's also true that men are on the receiving end of a lot of male violence

Correct - more men are attacked by other men than are women.
Men are also on the receiving end of a lot of female violence.

www.irishtimes.com/opinion/are-men-victims-of-domestic-violence-to-the-same-extent-as-women-1.992351
www.theguardian.com/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence

Using the term hysterical is gaslighting. Look at you women getting hysterical.
Will be saying calm down next

@Ifailed

White people are racist.

Racism is a huge problem and it is the responsibility of all white adults to confront it whenever they see it and actively dismantle racism where it is built into institutions to make society safer and fairer to all

Sexism is a huge problem and it is the responsibility of all men to confront it whenever they see it and actively work to dismantle sexist/mysogist policies, in order to make society safer and fairer for all

A friend of mine (female police officer) had a colleague who nam'd her &
She replied in 3 ways.

1. She said ok, imagine you're in prison sharing a cell with someone bigger & stronger & how do you feel? Women feel that way about men in day to day life.
2. Imagine a box of maltesers & I told you 1in 10 of them was actually shite covered in chocolate- wouldn't you be wary of all of them? Would you want to eat any of them?
3. Until the rapists & murderers wear a badge saying they're a rapist then women have to be wary of all men & imagine how it would sound to a court if god forbid worse happened. Eg "you got in a car with a man you don't know" " "you walked home in the dark" "you went for a run after dark" "you were drinking" "you had lipstick on" etc etc etc

He soon got it.
Yanbu

I have been using the following analogy to try & explain how women feel
Except it's not a comparable analogy. Change one maltese in poi amongst 100, 000 or more, than would you still refuse to eat one, whilst taking some precautions such as smelling it?

That's more comparable.

I think you are being s bit OTT as well. He seemed to listen to you and your daughter and take on board what you were saying. You had a debate about it. That's what this whole thing is about, in my opinion. Surely this one comment doesn't negate everything else about him.

I expect that women suffer more injuries and perhaps a more severe level of abuse from men than vice versa, due to women being in general less strong. But the notion that violence is pretty much all way (in Western society its important to emphasise) is false.

But women in the uk are becoming hysterical in saying it is all men. Yes there are issues that need addressing and having conversations are a must but to say all men is moot point because its not

Unbelievable. Show me all these women saying it’s all men. 🙄 Every single fucking time women try to discuss male violence against them, other women come along to police the conversation and champion men, it’s repulsive.

I have not been attacked no as an adult but I grew up in a house with DV from two of my mothers long term partners. I grew up witnessing DV to a very serious degree which after many years ended up in a hostage and assault situation and a very long and large court case.

Do I blame my mother for the situation she and her four children ended up in.. No

Do I believe all men will be DV perpetrators...No

My mother had a very difficult upbringing alot of abuse, much more than the average person could believe... Does she believe that all men are like this... No

She taught us even through all this how to have healthy relationships and boundaries, she taught us about safety etc not just me but my brothers as well.

So I will stand by my point that it is Not All Men and I will stand by my point that some women in the uk are becoming hysterical.

@FamilyOfAliens

I wish people would stop reiterating the “6pm curfew for men” trope.

Shame someone started it then isn't it.

You can recognise that violence against women by a very small proportion of men is a significant problem which needs urgent solutions - while at the same time also rejecting the view that all males are in some way culpable for this phenomena.

Mine still doesn't get why "all lives matter" is offensive, after several conversations about it. I don't even want to begin the one that goes "not all men" 😞

Shame someone started it then isn't it

Yes god forbid a woman makes an unserious suggestion about curtailing a man’s freedom. Perfectly fine for the police to do it to women though isn’t it, when they suggested women don’t go out alone?

See comment below

@naunet
Here here

The number of men who commit violent crimes is relatively small as a proportion of the population, though of course way too high. But a much, much larger proportion of men hassle/catcall women on the streets and deliberately or unconsciously make them feel unsafe in other ways. For me this is at the root of why, although men are more likely to be murdered, women are more afraid; because virtually every woman has had a scary experience which might have escalated in a way she could not prevent.

Plus of course an even higher proportion of men, often those who think they're on women's side, don't challenge other men's behaviour, and go along with patriarchal norms like those which make women feel judged for "risky" behaviour like going out after 6pm or which make women more reluctant to express their own needs/discomfort/boundaries.

So most men are, indeed, not an active danger. But I would say it's relatively rare for a man never to have contributed, one way or another, to women feeling unsafe.

@Bagelsandbrie

My dh feels the same. And I have a teenage Dd aged 18 who feels very strongly about all this so you can imagine the atmosphere at home! I can see points on both sides. I have a young ds aged 9 and I do worry that he is growing up in a world where being a male is automatically a terrible thing, and that’s so sad.

My dh works in healthcare and is usually very left wing and open minded about things. He just thinks it’s all gone too far and as a victim of sexual assault himself and someone who has been followed home he has a different viewpoint and experience point to many.

What’s gone too far?

You can still as a man feel reasonably comfortable that if you rape a woman you won’t go to jail. That’s the most likely outcome: literally walking away from a serious sexual offence.

I can’t fathom how anyone thinks like this.

Men are also on the receiving end of a lot of female violence.

Now this makes me fucking angry. It is not the same.
Are 2 men a week killed by their female partner, no they are not.

@Christmasjoy

I have not been attacked no as an adult but I grew up in a house with DV from two of my mothers long term partners. I grew up witnessing DV to a very serious degree which after many years ended up in a hostage and assault situation and a very long and large court case.

Do I blame my mother for the situation she and her four children ended up in.. No

Do I believe all men will be DV perpetrators...No

My mother had a very difficult upbringing alot of abuse, much more than the average person could believe... Does she believe that all men are like this... No

She taught us even through all this how to have healthy relationships and boundaries, she taught us about safety etc not just me but my brothers as well.

So I will stand by my point that it is Not All Men and I will stand by my point that some women in the uk are becoming hysterical.

Yes but that's not what you were saying before. You were saying about the system and I asked if you had been through the system as a woman who has been attacked. Your answer is no. So how you can comment on like you know is rubbish. You're not your mother

Also, it's not just women who get nervous about walking around at night, not by a long shot. I know plebty of men who have been attacked, spat on or even 'just' intimidated. Granted, it's always by other men and the reasons are different but generally, I think most women AND men would rather not be in a position where they're vulnerable.

My dh works in healthcare and is usually very left wing and open minded about things. He just thinks it’s all gone too far and as a victim of sexual assault himself and someone who has been followed home he has a different viewpoint and experience point to many

What’s gone too far? The increase in women being murdered in lockdown? The pathetically small rate of rape convictions? The fact that 90%-ish of women have been sexually harassed? Or is it the fact that women are talking about it and making the poor menz feel bad that’s a step too far?

A while ago we had friends round and the men were discussing being falsely accused of assault/inappropriate behaviour etc.
I asked them if they were concerned about being left alone with another man in case they were accused of sexually assaulting him. They all said no and I asked why
“Because I wouldn’t do that” - then the penny dropped

I've been through the system and I don't go spouting not all men. I know it's not all men. But I support women and I would never call them hysterical for putting a spotlight on this subject.