My husband says “notallmen”

[Lastchancesalonco]

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

@Silenceisgolden20

Using the term hysterical is gaslighting. Look at you women getting hysterical. Will be saying calm down next

I do think we need to calm down and discuss this properly to have a real resolution.

I am unsure why my comments have offended you so very much.

And no i am not gaslighting anyone and that is a very serious thing to accuse someone of.

By saying I am gaslighting you are saying I am performing psychological abuse on you.

I am not.

Posters are not blaming all men

But then, why is it wrong to say 'not all men'? Why are we incessantly trying to reassign meanings to phrases?

@Whatafustercluck

Am I the only one staggered by the irony of the use of the term 'hysterical' in referring to the concerns of women, even here? 'Hysterical', from the womb, pertaining only to women, irrational etc. I can't remember the last time I referred to a man as hysterical, about anything.

Men very much can be hysterical more so than women.. Well the men in my family can be and I tell them if they are acting hysterical as well.

We don't have to as women own the word hysterical.

The #notallmen it's so fucking obvious that it doesn't need rolled out every time women mention make violence

I mean I know it's true, cos I'm a man and I don't do these things. I don't feel the need to defend it and would always side eye someone who thinks it's a valid contribution to the conversation

@Cam77

You can recognise that violence against women by a very small proportion of men is a significant problem which needs urgent solutions - while at the same time also rejecting the view that all males are in some way culpable for this phenomena.

This!

@Naunet

A curfew for just men is wrong and thank god it would never happen. Women need to be responsible for their own actions too

Yeah I wouldn’t worry about that, it’d never happen. It has happened to women of course, but never men. Phew!

Advising women to stay home is not the same as an enforced curfew.

It is, however, a statement that the police have failed to keep the streets safe if they believe this is a reasonable response. Challenge this failure not try and make headlines by "jokingly" suggesting removing freedoms from people because of their gender. The later doesn't go across the way it is intended for a start and doesn't target the people with the power to change the situation.

It's deeply saddening that a decent police officer who risks his life every day to protect the public cannot express his honest opinion to his own family (wife and DD). They have to shut him up and open a thread on a public forum to continue to bash the police, instigate vitriol and endanger him next time he goes to work. I sincerely cannot understand this at all

Ahh yes, and who is most likely to beat up a police officer? A man. But not all men, remember? So there’s nothing to worry about.

Advising women to stay home is not the same as an enforced curfew

It is, however, a statement that the police have failed to keep the streets safe if they believe this is a reasonable response. Challenge this failure not try and make headlines by "jokingly" suggesting removing freedoms from people because of their gender. The later doesn't go across the way it is intended for a start and doesn't target the people with the power to change the situation

No, I’m talking about the actual curfew that has been put in place for women in the past....

@Chanjer

The #notallmen it's so fucking obvious that it doesn't need rolled out every time women mention make violence

I mean I know it's true, cos I'm a man and I don't do these things. I don't feel the need to defend it and would always side eye someone who thinks it's a valid contribution to the conversation

I wish there was a like button on MN!! This !! 👏

Saying not all men completely misses the point. We already know not all men, but we don't know which men do we...
Also, if the overwhelming majority of females have encountered abuse, harassment, verbal abuse, stalking, unwelcome comments etc. which IS the case, then it does become most men. Because who is committing these offences otherwise?
Why do so many men jump on NAMALT? Can they not except that reclaim the streets is not all about them? Are they so incapable of centring women in their line of thinking for once?

Not all men is the same as all lives matter. Nobody has ever said it’s all men, just that the biggest risk to women (and other men) is men. He just made himself sound like an ignorant sexist bigot.

@Clutterbugsmum

Wtf does "women need to be responsible for their own actions too" mean? 🤨

Women don't have a curfew, I feel the dialogue is getting silly now.

It's not just "not all men are like this", it is "The vast majority of men is not like this".

Telling your daughter all men are the enemy and she is not safe to go out ever is an overreaction IMO and not helpful to her or her relationship with men in general.

Having a screaming row with your husband over this is the silliest thing ever, you know. He's on your side. Your daughter's dad is not the enemy

I feel all the good men are getting tarred with the same brush as the bad ones.

Men are not the enemy

@Hoppinggreen

A while ago we had friends round and the men were discussing being falsely accused of assault/inappropriate behaviour etc. I asked them if they were concerned about being left alone with another man in case they were accused of sexually assaulting him. They all said no and I asked why “Because I wouldn’t do that” - then the penny dropped

But surely from their conversation you should have been asking if they were worried about being left alone with women in case they were accused of something?

I know my husband will leave the room if he thinks he'll be on his own with a female other than family. It does worry him but he now says its so she doesn't feel afraid being with a man on her own.

@TheJerkStore

My ds actually said to me, I feel like I am a piece of shit because I am male and white

Well I feel like shit because my mum was murdered by her partner because she wanted to leave him

I'm sure the families of the two women a week murdered by their male partners feel like shit too

I'm also sure the 97% of women who have experienced sexual harassment felt like shit and some still will.....

Instead of feeling sorry for himself he should be thinking about what he can do to fix this issue. How can he address the issue of male violence in society .... if more men did this the world would be a better place for everyone! Not just women.

So, how CAN he address it? What can he and other 'good' men do to stop male violence??

This reminds me of after ISIS attacks when people were telling 'non-terrorist' Muslims to do something about the bad ones...

The thing is that his opinion and my dh agrees. What I said when we spoke about this is that all men need to have a conversation about it, all men need to look at why some of their peers behave this way. He recognised that it is an issue and that we need to raise our son to be respectful towards all women not just myself or his sister.
Your dd has every right to challenge his views and should but shutting down someone you disagree with is very much a 'thing' for this current generation and I despise that open debate is increasingly looking like a thing of the past for fear of being 'cancelled.

The talk of a curfew is ridiculous, how would that work exactly? It is misogyny and a mindset that needs changing and that starts with conversation.

@Naunet

Advising women to stay home is not the same as an enforced curfew

It is, however, a statement that the police have failed to keep the streets safe if they believe this is a reasonable response. Challenge this failure not try and make headlines by "jokingly" suggesting removing freedoms from people because of their gender. The later doesn't go across the way it is intended for a start and doesn't target the people with the power to change the situation

No, I’m talking about the actual curfew that has been put in place for women in the past....

When?

When DH said not all men, I replied that however, it IS all women who feel nervous alone after dark and that most women had probably experienced some form of sexual harassment at some point in their lives-I reminded him of when he saw a Consultant at work ping my bra strap at the back to tell me my tits looked nice that day...back in “the good old days” ha ha; not. He got it then.

The maltesers analogy was used on a friend of DH, he got it!
If you were offered a pack of maltesers and told that one was chocolate wrapped shit, how many would you try?

I voted YABU even though I hate the "notallmen" shite. Just because it sounds like he is open to discussion. Most men have rarely had cause to reflect on these issues so I think it's ok if they don't always get it right, as long as they are open to being challenged/challenging themselves.

@Hadalifeonce

The maltesers analogy was used on a friend of DH, he got it! If you were offered a pack of maltesers and told that one was chocolate wrapped shit, how many would you try?

I don't really get this, is the answer to avoid all men..?

@Chanjer

The #notallmen it's so fucking obvious that it doesn't need rolled out every time women mention make violence

I mean I know it's true, cos I'm a man and I don't do these things. I don't feel the need to defend it and would always side eye someone who thinks it's a valid contribution to the conversation

Thank you, and exactly, the same as when people are talking about racism/BLM I dont feel the need to shout out "not all white people are racisr" (I know some people do). The how would you feel if I said "all white people are racist" statement put by an earlier poster is a complete strawman arguement - the same as "all men are rapists" arguement. NO-ONE is saying that. But if, every time, some-one wants to talk about racism or sexism people roll that shit out I will assume they are likely part of the problem. The men that actually aren't "like that" dont tend to be coming out with that stuff.

@tangerinelollipop

Posters are not blaming all men

But then, why is it wrong to say 'not all men'? Why are we incessantly trying to reassign meanings to phrases?

Because at no point did we say it was all men, so why did he feel the need to tell us that, if you told me you were punched in the face by a man with a tattoo on his arm my first reaction wouldn’t be “not all tattooed people” , why was he needing to defend “all men” when no one was saying it was all men? What’s his motivation for that?

I don't really get this, is the answer to avoid all men.

Another example I read on here that makes more sense to me was you've been shown 6 puppies but one is a biter, you don't know which and so you approach all of them with caution