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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband says “notallmen”

999 replies

Lastchancesalonco · 25/03/2021 07:18

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 25/03/2021 07:56

Maybe he doesn't want your daughter growing up thinking all men are attackers/rapists etc - of course she needs to be alert to these things but she also needs to know not everyone is a bad apple or else she may struggle to form relationships with men - l have got loads of male friends and our friendships have spanned over 3 decades - they have enriched my life and l would have genuinely missed out if l had thought they were all going to attack me and not become friends with them. So l can see what your husband's point is but also understand your side too.

TheJerkStore · 25/03/2021 07:57

Women do not have an unspoken curfew.

Most women do. Most women feel unsafe going out after dark.

As a woman I find it so depressing to read how we have become this stereotypical hysterical women. Yes we have to be careful, yes there are dangers out there but to make our young women scared of all men is insane.

Calling women hysterical for getting angry about the issue of endemic male violence against women is textbook misogyny.
Women are belittled, sexually harassed, raped and murdered by men every day - this make me angry. It should make everyone angry.

YouShouldLeave · 25/03/2021 07:59

Men who NAMALT don’t want to take a look at their own behaviour and beliefs.

I would be worried.

YANBU

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 25/03/2021 07:59

I think a lot of men feel quite defensive at the moment. When it's generalised as male violence towards women, I can see why they would feel like they want to point out that they're not all like that.
Unfortunately they don't get it. Most men will never understand how it feels to be a woman. They can sympathise and say they understand, but most don't, and if they do it's because they are worried about other males, not a random female attacking them on their way home.

Embroideredstars · 25/03/2021 08:00

@NailsNeedDoing

To be fair to him, not all men are like that and the calls for a 6pm curfew are taking it too far, although it will never happen anyway.
This.

Also given your comments about him being tolerant etc you're being OTT about the one time he let an off the cuff comment drop out of his mouth. Occasionally people do respond with an "I'm not like that" because it is so horrifying to hear that not all other human beings are like them and they dont want to be tarred with the same brush. The fact he took your daughters comments on board is a good thing.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 25/03/2021 08:00

@Christmasjoy

He is right though, it's not all men. I hate that we cannot say this because the simple fact is that it is not all men.

Women do not have an unspoken curfew. All people out at night have to be more careful, all people at night should be looking after there safety. Yes there ate bad apples but actually a recent spate of muggings in my area have been done by a group of women but no we must not speak about that.

As a woman I find it so depressing to read how we have become this stereotypical hysterical women. Yes we have to be careful, yes there are dangers out there but to make our young women scared of all men is insane.

I blame a year of lockdowns, nothing else to focus on and no social norms for a year.

We probably are becoming 'stereotypical hysterical women' because that stereotype, like all stereotypes, exists to reinforce the status quo. Women should be seen and not heard, a woman who complains and dares to voice her thoughts and feelings is 'hysterical'. So we can be 'hysterical' or...what? Just accept the fact that we are unsafe and the system is utterly stacked against us?
grapewine · 25/03/2021 08:00

The point is it's too fucking many, and we don't know which ones. I used to be naive enough to think that reporting to the police was worth it. I lived and learned.

Ifailed · 25/03/2021 08:01

White people are racist.

Silenceisgolden20 · 25/03/2021 08:02

Oh here we go again. Theres been loads of threads about this.

Op all you will get is posters agreeing with your husband. Find the other threads if you want some assurance that what he said was shit. They are much better.
I'm with you. And the fact he's police makes it worse.

Bagelsandbrie · 25/03/2021 08:02

My dh feels the same. And I have a teenage Dd aged 18 who feels very strongly about all this so you can imagine the atmosphere at home! I can see points on both sides. I have a young ds aged 9 and I do worry that he is growing up in a world where being a male is automatically a terrible thing, and that’s so sad.

My dh works in healthcare and is usually very left wing and open minded about things. He just thinks it’s all gone too far and as a victim of sexual assault himself and someone who has been followed home he has a different viewpoint and experience point to many.

Silenceisgolden20 · 25/03/2021 08:03

@grapewine

The point is it's too fucking many, and we don't know which ones. I used to be naive enough to think that reporting to the police was worth it. I lived and learned.
Yes. 100 %. I will never ever trust the police after my treatment over reporting male violence.
RachelRoth · 25/03/2021 08:04

middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled

It’s this. Working with women and trans women haven't been an issue for him because they didn't threaten his privilege, so why would he care?

Silenceisgolden20 · 25/03/2021 08:05

Being Male in a world is a terrible thing?
Wow. Just wow. I don't know even where to start

FamilyOfAliens · 25/03/2021 08:05

I wish people would stop reiterating the “6pm curfew for men” trope.

TheJerkStore · 25/03/2021 08:05

The good men, the men who 'get it' aren't crying out 'not all men'..... they understand that it's too many men and that there is an issue to be addressed. They're angry too.

Scoobydoobywho · 25/03/2021 08:06

I think the "notallmen" is true in the fact that it isn't all men that go out and attack women. It's the fact that most men stand by and do or say nothing. Whether it's fear of retribution on them or something else,I don't know

FOJN · 25/03/2021 08:07

I think you and your daughter responded well. "Not all men" misses the point and makes it about men. When talking about male violence I take it as a given that not all men are being discussed, the requirement to acknowledge this before a conversation will be allowed is exhausting. If you're not violent then you're not the subject of the discussion.

The 6pm curfew was never a serious suggestion, women have a self imposed curfew, as your daughter pointed out. In the days after Sarah Everard went missing there were plenty of people who were questioning why she was out "so late" on her own as if she was somehow to blame for what happened to her. The message "women, if you don't want to be raped, abducted, murdered you should stay at home after dark" was accepted as reasonable but a curfew for men is taking things too far! If you're not questioning this then you are part of the problem regardless of sex.

TheJerkStore · 25/03/2021 08:07

@FamilyOfAliens

I wish people would stop reiterating the “6pm curfew for men” trope.
Me too. It was never a serious suggestion- it was supposed to make people think and see things from a different perspective.
TheABC · 25/03/2021 08:07

Well, as a police officer, he has a chance to influence social chance more than most.

NAMALT is the reason rapes are under reported, harassment is tolerated and stalking is seen (in practice) as a non-crime. I would point out some stats to him, starting with the Home Office on violent crim e and follow it up with personal anecdotes, such as Cooking on a Bootstrap Jack's failure to get protection from the police after two decades of horrific stalking. Or the young woman who reported harassment - got fined for wasting police time - and then was murdered by her stalker. The Times and Guardian have done a great summary of these examples recently (sorry on phone and school run).

NAMALT excuses low grade harassment until it erupts into life threatening violence.

Newgirls · 25/03/2021 08:08

I think this is exactly the conversation happening all over the place! Good work. Loads of men don’t get it YET and they live among us!

Cactus1982 · 25/03/2021 08:08

Yes men are at risk from be attacked.. by other fucking men! Why is that so hard for them get through their thick skulls? They’re unlikely to be jumped by a gang of women are they?

asfdfsffsa04 · 25/03/2021 08:09

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VictoriaBun · 25/03/2021 08:10

I am a woman , and to a degree , I agree with your husband. I think saying all men should have a curfew is ridiculous . Be honest how would you feel if it was all women at home by 6 pm ?
It is categorising the many for a few . Or how about men to stay in Mon, Wed , Fri , and women Tues, Thurs , Sat. Everyone at home Sunday's ?
The law needs changing that anyone found guilty of attacking a person be it violent or sexual goes to prison for a long time.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 25/03/2021 08:10

The main point is though that he listened to what you and your dd said, thought about it and was apologetic

All these tests going on about a 6pm curfew for men being outrageous have obviously never had it pointed out to them that that is what women have had for ever. Sometime you need to state the bleeding obvious for people to get it.

If he had continued with the not all men shit then yes I’d be concerned but sounds like he’s realised.

Good for your dd too

PurpleDaisies · 25/03/2021 08:10

I can see how it’s a really tough time to be a policeman at the moment and how a man would feel they’re being accused of something when listening to that conversation. That doesn’t mean I agree that the “not all men” argument is a good one to have. It totally dismisses the lived experience of most women.