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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate hugs?

191 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 24/03/2021 17:10

Apart from DP hugging me (which I love), I absolutely hate hugs.
Dreading when restrictions are eased and all the huggers come out.
Aibu?

OP posts:
CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 25/03/2021 16:06

I am sure you are not alone OP and the responses confirm this. Lack of hugging is one of the very few benefits of the pandemic.

Steph64 · 25/03/2021 16:44

I’m so pleased to read this, I thought it was just me. Hugging always made me feel physically assaulted.

If the hugging nonsense does start up again I’m going to adopt a @Sandgrown1970 crossed arms stance and announce that I do not want to be touched. After what the world has been through that will surely become acceptable in the future.

Same goes for social kissing.......filthy continental habit.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 25/03/2021 16:50

@FinallyHere

BiL made it known very soon after he met our family that he didn't like to be hugged.

Fair enough, when saying goodby I now make sure that I am hugging someone else, look up and say goodbye to him.

Reader, I am that hugger.

When my mother got older, really a lot older, her mind would wander a bit and she would often mistake us for family members we knew to be long dead.

One day she opened her eyes wide said hello to me and then said ' I never liked hugging people then I had you and you just needed lots and lots of hugs, right from the start' Any picture of me as a child, even more recently, I would have at least one hand holding or touching my mother. I always assumed she liked it as much as I did.

Blush

She did love hugs, just not with anybody else. She loved hugs with you.
QueenPaw · 25/03/2021 17:08

I love hugs but it doesn't come naturally for me as my mum has never hugged me so I'm a non hugger who actually secretly likes them!

emmylousings · 25/03/2021 17:34

I agree it's a younger thing, I've noticed teenagers seem obsessed with hugging each other. I don't mind hugging people I actually care about, but hate randomers doing it, and you do feel pressured to go along with it. It's a new taboo! I am going to get firmer about boundaries!!

Genderwitched · 25/03/2021 18:27

Oh, I thought it was just me, my ILs think i'm a bit of a cold fish, but i've always just put up with it, thinking that I must be polite, while shrinking inside.

This thread has given me courage to say, when we are allowed, "no thanks, I don't like hugs"

Genderwitched · 25/03/2021 18:30

She did love hugs, just not with anybody else. She loved hugs with you.

Agree with this..I constantly hugged my children, and now we don't really as we are not huggers. But cuddling young Dc is wonderful.

Rummikub · 25/03/2021 18:33

@OfaFrenchmind2

I love hugs with family and friends! Grin I even adore the cheek kissing! But rest assured OP, I do not do it with people that are adverse to it. I have learnt very quickly to read the clues. And you are perfectly entitled to be spared the touchy-feely octopuses like me.
What are the clues? I need to learn them I hate hugs too!
Rummikub · 25/03/2021 19:04

@Genderwitched

She did love hugs, just not with anybody else. She loved hugs with you.

Agree with this..I constantly hugged my children, and now we don't really as we are not huggers. But cuddling young Dc is wonderful.

Agree too

I loved hugging my children. We co-slept too. I do miss that closeness.

PinkPiranha11 · 25/03/2021 21:32

God yes, I’m dreading the hugging starting again with random people. It’s so awkward and I hate it. My DH’s family are all big huggers, I found it so weird at first and still struggle with it 20 years later! Although I’m a big hugger with the kids & the cat, but no one else.

Holly60 · 26/03/2021 07:17

@LemonSherbetFancies

For the person who said ' How will anyone get to compliment my perfume without hugging me?' That's one reason I hate hugs. The smell of perfume I do not like as well as the trapped feeling of being in someone's embrace and desperately wanting to get away. Coffee breath, dry lips, wet kisses on the cheek also make me want to vomit.
Darling, who doesn’t like a subtle waft of Chanel? Wink
Holly60 · 26/03/2021 07:24

@Rummikub this is why I never stopped hugging and cuddling my DC. Now they are adults we are all very huggy people and I love that. You can say so much with a hug and I would so miss that physical contact with them if we had stopped hugging.

Holly60 · 26/03/2021 07:25

Also before someone replies to me to tell me that they hate Chanel and it makes them faint in horror - I’m only teasing so don’t take me too seriously Smile

LoveCauliflowerCheese · 26/03/2021 07:35

I'm sorry for you all. I really am. Big hugs 🤗🤗🤗

RMRM · 26/03/2021 07:39

Friends and stranger hugs and kisses can get in the bin as far as I'm concerned. Family fine, lovely. The rest of them have no business being up in mine.

ineedaholidayandwine · 26/03/2021 07:46

I also dislike hugs! Glad it's not just me, was thinking there was something wrong with me, i only liked hugging my daughter. Don't even want hugs from my family, must get it from my dad as he's like this.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/03/2021 08:08

@LoveCauliflowerCheese

I'm sorry for you all. I really am. Big hugs 🤗🤗🤗
Thanks hun!!!
floridamanatee · 26/03/2021 09:48

I'm not a hugger either. I come from a family of non-huggers. Can't remember the last time I hugged any of them! One thing covid restrictions have taught me is how little I actually hug. If someone came in for a hug I wouldn't push them away but it would be an awkward few seconds for both us while I resisted the temptation to pay them on the back or something else totally cringey Smile

sammylady37 · 26/03/2021 10:38

@Holly60, you sound spectacularly irritating and out of tune with others. I can’t fathom why you think you have a right to enforce your hugs on people who clearly don’t want them - saying you’d “give it a good go” before stopping is repulsive. If you extrapolate that approach to sexual behaviour, can you now see why it’s problematic?

I am comfortable hugging a select few people - my sisters, some of my nieces/nephews, my lovers and 1 friend. That’s it. Acquaintances and random strangers- absolutely not.

I work as a doctor and occasionally patients want to hug me, I absolutely hate it and actively discourage it. There was one lady who always tried to hug me and never picked up on my cues. I ended up rearranging the furniture in my room and setting up little barricades so she couldn’t get at me before she’d come in and then I’d have to put everything back after she’d left. And even that didn’t bloody stop her- she would try touch me any way she could “I can’t get round to hug you so I’ll pat your arm instead”, meanwhile I was internally screaming “fuck off, fuck off, FUCK OFF!!!”

Flowers24 · 26/03/2021 10:41

Omg I really hate hugs!! Thought it was just me being weird!

oldwhyno · 26/03/2021 10:49

I'm not an anti-hugger, but it's not surprising to see this much anti-hug sentiment. Most hugs these days lack any real meaning and in fact many are just totally superficial. The insincerity they convey is actually insulting sometimes.

However, there are times and people for whom a hug is the only way to properly express a certain emotion.

Completely hug-free would be a very sad existence in my opinion, but I'm all in favour of trying to decrease frequency and increase quality.

Holly60 · 26/03/2021 11:04

[quote sammylady37]@Holly60, you sound spectacularly irritating and out of tune with others. I can’t fathom why you think you have a right to enforce your hugs on people who clearly don’t want them - saying you’d “give it a good go” before stopping is repulsive. If you extrapolate that approach to sexual behaviour, can you now see why it’s problematic?

I am comfortable hugging a select few people - my sisters, some of my nieces/nephews, my lovers and 1 friend. That’s it. Acquaintances and random strangers- absolutely not.

I work as a doctor and occasionally patients want to hug me, I absolutely hate it and actively discourage it. There was one lady who always tried to hug me and never picked up on my cues. I ended up rearranging the furniture in my room and setting up little barricades so she couldn’t get at me before she’d come in and then I’d have to put everything back after she’d left. And even that didn’t bloody stop her- she would try touch me any way she could “I can’t get round to hug you so I’ll pat your arm instead”, meanwhile I was internally screaming “fuck off, fuck off, FUCK OFF!!!”[/quote]
Whereas you sound delightful GrinGrin let’s just accept that I very much doubt we would be friends IRL: I’ve never once in my life internally screamed at someone to ‘f’ off, that’s just really sad :(. But that’s obviously just you and I say live and let live Smile if you don’t like hugging you can’t help it can you - it’s not your fault Smile

Plumbear2 · 26/03/2021 12:22

I've also internalised a fUck off when people consistently don't stop hugging and consistently don't pick up the cues. It's not sad. What is very sad is people like Holly who carnt see how completely irritating they are. Respect people's space, it's not hard.

sammylady37 · 26/03/2021 12:47

Whereas you sound delightful gringrin let’s just accept that I very much doubt we would be friends IRL: I’ve never once in my life internally screamed at someone to ‘f’ off, that’s just really sad sad. But that’s obviously just you and I say live and let live smile if you don’t like hugging you can’t help it can you - it’s not your fault smile

@Holly60 nice little passive-aggressive dig and patronising comment there, the “I’m just being silly me, lol” mask has slipped. You are trying to insinuate there’s something wrong with not liking hugs- I adore hugs from some people but not everyone and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

However, there is something very wrong with forcing unwanted physical contact on people beyond the point when you become well aware that it’s unwanted- that sort of behaviour is abhorrent and trying to shrug it off as “oh but I’m just so sorry for you as you clearly haven’t been hugged enough or properly” is disgusting. Have some respect for others instead of being intrusive, invasive, demanding and forceful.

ddl1 · 26/03/2021 12:49

As I've said, I like hugs myself. But I strongly believe that people's personal wishes should be respected. If you know that someone doesn't like hugs, or if you don't really know them at all, or especially if someone is obviously physically avoiding a hug, then don't hug them! If someone says or demonstrates that they don't like hugs, then that means that they don't like hugs! It doesn't mean that they need to be taught how to like hugs, or that if you hug them well enough, they will change their minds.