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Original poster

Inheritance issues - part 2. AKA: Is FIL being manipulated and ripped off?

999 replies

ThornAmongstRoses · 24/03/2021 06:43

This thread is for those who helped me on my previous thread about my FIL upping sticks, handing his a big chunk off his money over to his daughter to ultimately live in her garden. Sorry but I don’t know how to link to my previous thread.

The update from what happened last night when we confronted FIL with our concerns:

“And it turns out that SIL is 14 weeks pregnant.

Apparently when she and her partner first suggested the Cabin idea 6 months or so ago and FIL declined and said he was happy to buy somewhere so he wouldn’t be under their feet, she told him not to be silly as the arrangement would work out really well for all involved as she and her partner were hoping to have more children in the future but that they wouldn’t be able to unless they had a bigger house anyway. SIL then told him how much it would mean to her and how wonderful it would be for FIL to be around to watch new grandchildren be born and see them grow up, liked he’d been around when DB (my husband) had had his children. FIL then agreed that it would be really nice to be around for early days and from then onwards, and agreed it was something he would happy be to look into.

Anyway, it looks like SIL took that as him being board and to cut a long story short, she told FIL she was pregnant about 3 months ago but told him not to tell anyone as it was such early days (her prerogative so that’s fine). Anyhow, it appears that is why FIL put his house up for sale and sold it quickly so the new house could be bought in time for the baby’s arrival. Bit strange really seeing as the baby generally stays with the parents in their room for a good 6 months or so, but that’s the story FIL gave. Stinks of manipulation to me but FIL is clearly happy with what’s happened and he does seem excited about the idea of being around for the new baby.

We asked him what would become of the Cabin if he passed away and he said that wasn’t his problem (with a smile) and said that SIL and her partner could do whatever they liked with it.

He hasn’t looked into anything legal as he didn’t think it was necessary. We did advise it (and gave examples from this thread as reasons why he should) but he told us we are worrying unnecessarily. So that’s his choice to make.

We asked him about the time scale of him staying here which was slightly awkward but he promised us again he would only be here for a few months. We said that was unlikely and explained why (all the issues raised in this thread) but he said things would be moving along quickly and if there are any delays he would move out and rent somewhere near us until the cabin is built. I asked why he wasn’t going to rent over there to make sure he liked the area, but he said he wanted to spend as much time as he could with us before he moved away.

So yes, he seems to be going into this with an awareness of all the ins and outs and is happy to go along with it all, so that’s that. It’s all his decision and if he doesn’t take legal advice then that too is his choice.

We have told him we won’t be taking the offered £25k but thanked him for his offer. As has been said on this thread, he’s probably going to need a back-up fund.

FIL left about an hour ago and me and DH are off to bed now with a film as we feel drained. I just wanted to update you as I’ve had so much help and advice from you all.”

I had a PM this morning from a poster who had wanted to respond to my post last night but realised the thread was full so answered privately instead.

Anyhow - I just wanted to start a second thread as I’m sure others have lots of further advice based on my FIL’s revelation, and also because I doubt this is the end of the matter.

Me and DH struggled to sleep last night but we see it’s a done deal now and due to the pregnancy we know FIL isn’t going to back out the deal so now it’s a case of trying to get him to protect himself as best as he can.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 24/03/2021 06:46

Does your FIL realise this will be the end of all he has on a weekly basis with you? It's really a strange story, swapping a good relationship with one child and their family for a clear not very good relationship with the other in a totally different part of the country.

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 24/03/2021 06:51

To be honest, I know he has genuinely missed spending time with SIL’s children so I can well believe the lure of a new baby is what’s led to this. It’s a real shame for my children though, they are really going to miss him. Not that they should be a factor in his decision, it isn’t about choosing between grandchildren, but it’s still a shame for them.

OP posts:
Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 24/03/2021 06:52

This is so frustrating for you, he’s behaving in a very childish way just going along with what your SIL is suggesting without giving himself a backup.

Honestly he’s just irresponsible. I would support him but be firm that you can’t afford to be his back up if he spends everything and then it doesn’t work out, as I imagine that’s exactly what he sees you as.

LindsayDenton79 · 24/03/2021 06:56

I saw the original thread but not many replies. On the face of it it certainly sounds like SIL is benefiting massively long term. Bigger house, probably nicer area and 100k cabin in the garden which could be used later in life for a lodger

Sounds very expensive btw, could he not have actually bought a house?

It all sounds like a done deal though. Surprised fil's house was put up for sale and sold without this being talked through with you and dp first

custardbear · 24/03/2021 06:56

He a fool! What if in 5 years he meets
Someone new and wants to set up house with them - he'd have lost his capital and would be royally screwed!
Sell up, give his daughter some money for an extension and downscale in a house or bungalow near her - indenpendence

Besides, a Cabin is ok, but cold in the winter so he's going to be unable to live through very cold times - unless they build a proper Scandinavian type cabin

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 24/03/2021 07:00

I think your attitude here is the right one. You’ve shared your concerns with him, take a step back now and let him get on with it. There’s nothing you can really do and you’ll stress yourselves out trying to get involved.

TeapotCollection · 24/03/2021 07:05

Has he thought about what happens in 20 years when he’s 85, possibly not in the best of health and his cabin might need replacing? These things are temporary structures, with him living in it permanently and spending lots of time there, quite possibly with kids running around, it won’t last forever

This is absolutely awful OP, I really feel for you

thrownunderthebus · 24/03/2021 07:10

I don't understand OP. If he is truly fixed on moving and giving SIL 90k, why can't he do that and buy a little bungalow given the prices people are quoting on this thread for Skegness?

Why can't this just be a case if him having released the capital to help SIL and then he buys a nice normal place to live.

What is he going to do if SIL loses her job and they have to sell the big house????

bigvig · 24/03/2021 07:11

I think I would have to say just once that he has hurt you and you feel sad that he is going to make it difficult to keep up a good relationship with you and your children. If he bought a house things would be different as it would be easier to visit. The situation as it is would make visiting difficult as everything would have to pass through SIL with whom who don't have a good relationship. He is ultimately choosing SIL over your DH and that's got to hurt. I would also have to spell out clearly that if things go wrong he can't rely on living with you long term not because you are petty or don't love him but just because you can't sacrifice your life for his.

Perching · 24/03/2021 07:12

He is going to get royally shafted.

I would actually take the 25k and invest it for him. He is going to need it. At least the SIL can’t get her hands on it and you know there is a backup.

An old man in a cabin in the winter in Scotland. Madness.

Brefugee · 24/03/2021 07:13

Aside of the ins and outs of how he spends his money (up to him, IMO) have you asked him how he sees his relationship with your DCs in future?

Can you let it be him who tells them he's moving away?

Apart from that, good luck. It's a huge adjustment (I'd also be putting a 3 month limit on him staying with you, in your position)

maras2 · 24/03/2021 07:16

It's going to end in tears.

PurpleFlower1983 · 24/03/2021 07:16

It’s a shame he didn’t just buy a little house on the coast but unfortunately it seems like his mind is made up. It’s his money/life but I do feel sorry for your DH and your family.

Easterbunnygettingready · 24/03/2021 07:20

So pregnant and starting a building project? Mm doubt it.
Bet fil is with you for many a long month /year....

Lostinthemail · 24/03/2021 07:31

Why haven’t you told him he can use the 25k you don’t want to rent a house somewhere because he is not welcome to stay with you? He’s manipulating you with the “I want to spend time with you before I leave”. Your kids are sooooo important to him, until he leaves and doesn’t look back.

Have YOU thought about your children? First have grandpa live with you, then basically not seeing him again because he’d rather be with his other grandchildren. What a blast...

Whatamesssss · 24/03/2021 07:37

Is SIL going to be able to afford a bigger mortgage on maternity leave?

He could still buy the small property I linked to in previous thread if he is determined to give SIL £90,000.

At the very least he needs to have a interest in the property SIL buys.

This is not going to end well.

I think leave it with him a few days and then ask him if he has thought any more about your discussion.

Ahbahbahbah · 24/03/2021 07:37

Honestly this is going to be hard enough on your kids anyway without having him move in for months and then vanish.

You need to protect them. If he’s moving away then spending loads of time with him first is good for him, but bad for them.

I would tell him that on reflection and as there’s no clear timescale it’s not going to work him moving in with you.

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 24/03/2021 07:41

To be honest I don’t even know if we are getting the full and honest story.

Maybe FIL isn’t either.

This has been orchestrated by SIL and her partner and it appears they are pulling the strings and FIL is happily going along with it.

Or maybe he isn’t happy - who knows.

My husband was really stressed this morning, I don’t think he knows which emotion to feel.....angry, confused, hurt.... the list goes on.

Anyhow, I’m preparing to head off to work now so I will catch up when I’m home this evening.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
TeapotCollection · 24/03/2021 07:42

@Perching Skegness isn’t in Scotland, it’s on the East coast of England. Can definitely be cold in the Winter though but I don’t think the OP needs to worry about that. These cabins are winterised and have full central heating

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 24/03/2021 07:42

whatamess - thanks for doing the link Flowers

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 24/03/2021 07:42

I’m so glad you started another thread @ThornAmongstRoses. I can’t get this predicament out of my head. It’s pretty obvious that he’s hellbent on moving to Skegness and giving his daughter money towards a bigger house, the real problem is his living arrangements.

The best thing for everyone would be for him to buy a small house or bungalow and put the cabin idea to bed. I’m intrigued as to why sil’s bloke thinks it’s such a good idea because it won’t add value to their new house.

Perching · 24/03/2021 07:47

Thanks Teapot 🙈 (pesky forriner here)
Anything north is freezing in my mind 🤣
I can’t imagine putting my mum or dad in a cabin in the garden!

CongealedCrags · 24/03/2021 07:51

Your FIL suddenly dying isn't what's going to cause problems. It's what happens if SIL changes her mind, if her relationship breaks down, if FIL gets ill, if SIL gets ill. What happens if they don't get planning permission. Or find a suitable property. Or don't get a mortgage because SIL is on maternity leave. What happens if they want to move in 5 years, and he's not on the deeds and has no say? What happens when he needs full time care - where's the money coming from? Has he looked into deprivation of assets? Because the LA will.

Perhaps the taxt to take now is obviously it's his decision but there will be ways to make if easier/safer for everyone if he takes professional advice. He doesn't want to get SIL in trouble, now does he, she's got so much on her plate.

hesnearly3 · 24/03/2021 08:00

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