Inheritance issues - part 2. AKA: Is FIL being manipulated and ripped off?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

This thread is for those who helped me on my previous thread about my FIL upping sticks, handing his a big chunk off his money over to his daughter to ultimately live in her garden. Sorry but I don’t know how to link to my previous thread.

The update from what happened last night when we confronted FIL with our concerns:

“And it turns out that SIL is 14 weeks pregnant.

Apparently when she and her partner first suggested the Cabin idea 6 months or so ago and FIL declined and said he was happy to buy somewhere so he wouldn’t be under their feet, she told him not to be silly as the arrangement would work out really well for all involved as she and her partner were hoping to have more children in the future but that they wouldn’t be able to unless they had a bigger house anyway. SIL then told him how much it would mean to her and how wonderful it would be for FIL to be around to watch new grandchildren be born and see them grow up, liked he’d been around when DB (my husband) had had his children. FIL then agreed that it would be really nice to be around for early days and from then onwards, and agreed it was something he would happy be to look into.

Anyway, it looks like SIL took that as him being board and to cut a long story short, she told FIL she was pregnant about 3 months ago but told him not to tell anyone as it was such early days (her prerogative so that’s fine). Anyhow, it appears that is why FIL put his house up for sale and sold it quickly so the new house could be bought in time for the baby’s arrival. Bit strange really seeing as the baby generally stays with the parents in their room for a good 6 months or so, but that’s the story FIL gave. Stinks of manipulation to me but FIL is clearly happy with what’s happened and he does seem excited about the idea of being around for the new baby.

We asked him what would become of the Cabin if he passed away and he said that wasn’t his problem (with a smile) and said that SIL and her partner could do whatever they liked with it.

He hasn’t looked into anything legal as he didn’t think it was necessary. We did advise it (and gave examples from this thread as reasons why he should) but he told us we are worrying unnecessarily. So that’s his choice to make.

We asked him about the time scale of him staying here which was slightly awkward but he promised us again he would only be here for a few months. We said that was unlikely and explained why (all the issues raised in this thread) but he said things would be moving along quickly and if there are any delays he would move out and rent somewhere near us until the cabin is built. I asked why he wasn’t going to rent over there to make sure he liked the area, but he said he wanted to spend as much time as he could with us before he moved away.

So yes, he seems to be going into this with an awareness of all the ins and outs and is happy to go along with it all, so that’s that. It’s all his decision and if he doesn’t take legal advice then that too is his choice.

We have told him we won’t be taking the offered £25k but thanked him for his offer. As has been said on this thread, he’s probably going to need a back-up fund.

FIL left about an hour ago and me and DH are off to bed now with a film as we feel drained. I just wanted to update you as I’ve had so much help and advice from you all.”

I had a PM this morning from a poster who had wanted to respond to my post last night but realised the thread was full so answered privately instead.

Anyhow - I just wanted to start a second thread as I’m sure others have lots of further advice based on my FIL’s revelation, and also because I doubt this is the end of the matter.

Me and DH struggled to sleep last night but we see it’s a done deal now and due to the pregnancy we know FIL isn’t going to back out the deal so now it’s a case of trying to get him to protect himself as best as he can.

he has always been aware that he will be moving into the back garden of someone who will do little more than tolerate him
surely the only reason you'd occupy the territory of someone that you know hates you is if you wanted to make an 'up yours mate' sort of statement?
I find it hard to believe that he is willingly subordinating himself, instead it's a way of getting one over an adversary

@ancientgran

Wouldn't it be lovely if he sold the house and went on a world cruise before making sure there is no inheritance for anyone to fight about.

Presumably you'd expect OP to house him if he did that, what with him having no money.

The whole thing has moved on a little from the inheritance issue. It's now a WTF is he thinking issue.

Your SIL has such a nerve, how very sad that she's willing to sell your you DFIL and your DH to get a bigger house.

Maybe sheltered accommodation or a retirement village would give FIL the support and companionship he desires.

Or maybe you could buy a bigger house with an annexe for FIL?

@Snog

Maybe sheltered accommodation or a retirement village would give FIL the support and companionship he desires.

Or maybe you could buy a bigger house with an annexe for FIL?

Someone aged 65 who is still working and is fit and healthy doesn’t need sheltered accommodation or a retirement village!

What happens when Sil wants to move house again in 5 to 10 years? Fil will have to move to unless the new owners want to share

@ancientgran

Wouldn't it be lovely if he sold the house and went on a world cruise before making sure there is no inheritance for anyone to fight about.

How does giving one sibling 90k in the hope that they will always let him live in a shed in their garden (most likely without any access to the house) and then wasting the rest of his money on a world cruise when he could potentially be made homeless by his daughter help anyone?

When is your FIL going to see a solicitor for advice? Am wondering whether you or DH ought to go with him to make sure that the solicitor is made aware of the full facts before he/she advises your FIL accordingly... Doubtless that would get your SIL's back up, but it would be fully justified.

@ThornAmongstRoses The poor guy sounds as though he needs bereavement counselling and some new hobbies & friends.

@ancientgran @Kpo58 at 65 he will have a grim retirement with very little to fall back on. No asset to call his own

FIL is going to get in the garden is ignored at best, treated like shit at worst.

He's never going to get into the garden.

OP - in the very unlikely event that he gets his upmarket garden shed he will find that being physically close to family that he loves, but that treats him like muck, is worse, and lonelier, than never seeing anyone at all.

He will have moved away from his friends (surely there is at least one person that he goes for the occasional pint with) and will find it hard to make new ones. He will be in the embarrassing position of having to loe when people say "It must be lovely living with your DD and her family.". He will find himself buying his own birthday presents to show new acquaintances how much the family thinks of him.

TBH - if he hadn't been so underhand, deceitful, entitled and demanding of his son and DIL, I would feel sorry for him.

But he was underhand, deceitful, entitled and demanding. He tried to move himself in by stealth (I'm pretty sure that he knows the garden home is a fantasy) so that he was living with them - how could they possibly have evicted him? He's GRAND-DAD!

This is on his own head - let him get on with it.

@ancientgran

Wouldn't it be lovely if he sold the house and went on a world cruise before making sure there is no inheritance for anyone to fight about.

Where would he live upon his return?

Maybe I'm being harsh but the whole not wanting to live alone thing is a bit wet. He is 65, not 5 or 95, competent if he has been working til recently and more than able for the practicals of living by himself as you have said. If it's more company he wants, surely he has several (less financially stupid and devise) other ways of doing it. He could really make a bigger effort where he lives now, buidling on existing networks and people (including you guys), could move into some sort of retirement village scenario near you or elsewhere, move into similar or a small flat near the sea....the chances are that this imaginary house with garden won't be too near the sea AND he wont be living with them, he'll probably be a barely tolerated presence in the back garden. So, no sea, no feelings of family closeness and a financially depreciating asset. Its hard to see how his decision making could be worse tham if he decided to spend it all on coke and booze, at least he'd have some fun.

Did FIL every give a date for when he wanted to move in? ie do you know when he's due to move out of his current home?
Given how the truth is leaking out in fits and starts, I still think the 5 day sale for below value and the big rush to sell sounds very dubious and wonder if the reason he didn't want legal advice is that there's something else he hasn't told you yet and is not quite ready for it to come out.
Perhaps he's already made some commitment or perhaps he doesn't have an offer yet and was sounding you out or making it sound urgent to get you to agree quickly?

Saying no to him moving in may have felt bad, but its bringing everything more into the open and he's made the concession about solicitor.

Either way, DH should def go with him to the solicitor and see if it makes the picture any clearer.
Best of luck

If wanting to retire to the coast is a factor-I'm sure that there are nicer places than Skeggy!

Honestly, he would have been better off being alone, keeping his good relationship with his son & seeing them regularly & his daughter as & when.

he wants to live by the coast and he doesn’t want to live on his own.
How about he rents for 6 months there then (in the winter) , & see how it pans out ? He would see if DD invite him for Sunday Lunch, or pops by to see him, if she calls him to babysit ? Also determined if he misses his present local area & happy reception in your house.
What does he hope to do by the sea? fish? sail? get a boat? paddle? make sand castles?
He could still keep enough to buy a flat somewhere.

He will have moved away from his friends (surely there is at least one person that he goes for the occasional pint with

He has a few friends from one of his hobbies but I don’t know how much he has divulged to them, plus he’s hardly seen them over the last 12 months due to Lockdowns.

I do think his sense of loneliness has been heightened by lockdown (as it has done for many) so I just wish he’d hold back for a few more months until lockdown eases, then he can start to get his social life back on track a little and see some friends etc and then re-assess.

What does he hope to do by the sea? fish? sail? get a boat? paddle? make sand castles?

“Make sand castles?”

That really did make me chuckle. A much needed laugh amongst this mess!

@Mix56

he wants to live by the coast and he doesn’t want to live on his own. How about he rents for 6 months there then (in the winter) , & see how it pans out ? He would see if DD invite him for Sunday Lunch, or pops by to see him, if she calls him to babysit ? Also determined if he misses his present local area & happy reception in your house. What does he hope to do by the sea? fish? sail? get a boat? paddle? make sand castles? He could still keep enough to buy a flat somewhere.

"Make sandcastles"...I feel a bit cruel saying so but that really made me laugh.

Otherwise, your post is so sensible. This man is in a lovely and priveleged position to make a nice life for himself, he's rushed into this utterly stupid idea like a person whose back is against the wall and who has no choices whatsoever. What a waste. OP you are clearly a very good person, my feelings of goodwill and care towards him would have gone out with the tide on his beloved Skeggy beach

I have been following both your threads with interest and dread. I am now starting to wonder if the SIL has even told the BIL or if she is intending to take DFIL £90000 and do a runner leaving everyone up the creek.
Glad to hear your FIL has seen sense and will take legal advice. The whole scenario is crazy.

He will sit in his sad cabin at the end of the garden, like a dog in a kennel, waiting for the children to come out to play so he can socialise with them.

I can't think of anything worse.

@ThornAmongstRoses
Think a lot of us are getting very invested in this story, even though it isn’t really any of our business!

Please start a new thread as this one is just about full.

I've not read everything but the one thing that stands out to me is what if they can't get planning permission for the cabin in the back garden or have I missed something

I couldn't resist it, I had a look & the sea temperature is around 6°C in Skegness today

You can see what will happen, £90k will be handed over. The house will be bought but the cabin will be delayed, planning permission etc not granted.

Meanwhile SIL is in shiny new house (that he’s not allowed to stay in temporarily) he will potentially be wasting money on rent and £90k lighter. He will probably find himself back where he started but with no property. He would then have to try and buy somewhere with less money anyway.

Why doesn’t he look at retirement type villages on the coast? He would meet new people and still be close to SIL.

I can’t see the cabin idea ever happening and if it did how lonely to be at the bottom of someone’s garden knowing full well you aren’t welcome inside. That would be worse than living totally alone imo.