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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gobsmacked about DDs spending

391 replies

Shockedmum1828 · 23/03/2021 22:28

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

OP posts:
Extremelyilluminated · 23/03/2021 22:32

She’s spending a lot but I simply can not imagine asking my daughter to chip in a fiver for a takeaway. She’s not the first to blow her student loan and won’t be the last. Quite sad that it’s in app purchases rather than wild nights out but what else is there in lockdown?!

malificent7 · 23/03/2021 22:33

I suppose we all prioritise different things. She would rather spend her cash on games you would rather spend money on takeaways.

MadMadMadamMim · 23/03/2021 22:34

Well to me it's silly, spending money on a game on your phone instead of food.

However, at her age I skipped meals so that I could afford 20 Lambert & Butler a day, so who am I to judge teenage priorities...

Luckypoppy · 23/03/2021 22:35

'Staying with us'? Is your house not her home? I'm confused. She's only 19 and I couldn't imagine not buying my daughter a takeaway!

That aside, it is worrying that she's spending so much money on a game but what else has she to do at the moment. I see your concern but she was honest with you so she isn't hiding anything.

Original poster
Shockedmum1828 · 23/03/2021 22:36

@Extremelyilluminated

She’s spending a lot but I simply can not imagine asking my daughter to chip in a fiver for a takeaway. She’s not the first to blow her student loan and won’t be the last. Quite sad that it’s in app purchases rather than wild nights out but what else is there in lockdown?!
Yes I did feel quite bad for asking for it afterwards, but chinese takeaways aren’t the cheapest treats not adays Blush
OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 23/03/2021 22:37

You asked her for a fiver towards the takeaway Hmm

Extremelyilluminated · 23/03/2021 22:37

She needs a job though. Of course it’s extremely tough right now but perhaps she could spend some time refining her cv etc.
A little bit of financial independence is a fantastic thing , and it feels really nice when you can contribute when asked.

Leeds2 · 23/03/2021 22:37

To me, it is silly spending. But she probably has little else to spend her money on at the moment, so I would cut her some slack.
I also wouldn't have asked her to contribute to the takeaway.

blue25 · 23/03/2021 22:38

She needs to wise up, but I also couldn’t imagine asking my daughter to chip in £5 for a takeaway! I’d just buy it for her. Strange all round really.

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/03/2021 22:38

Yes I did feel quite bad for asking for it afterwards, but chinese takeaways aren’t the cheapest treats not adays Blush
A fiver each?!

Original poster
Shockedmum1828 · 23/03/2021 22:38

@Luckypoppy

'Staying with us'? Is your house not her home? I'm confused. She's only 19 and I couldn't imagine not buying my daughter a takeaway!

That aside, it is worrying that she's spending so much money on a game but what else has she to do at the moment. I see your concern but she was honest with you so she isn't hiding anything.

It’s definitely her home! I don’t charge her rent or anything like that, all food and internet provided is free of charge. I thought contributing a fiver to a meal wasn’t unreasonable at all but I see it can be 😅
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2021 22:39

I wouldn’t have asked her to chip in for a normal family dinner but it’s a good you did. That’s insane! If she’s managing to pay her bills and isn’t asking for money you don’t have I guess it’s up to her but it strikes me as really sad, even in lockdown, and I’m with you in feeling shocked.

AlohaMolly · 23/03/2021 22:40

I think you probably need to give her a bit of slack here. Are you in the U.K.? Assuming yes, she’s been on lockdown hasn’t she. When I was a student a million years ago, £35 a week wouldn’t have covered a night out drinking, so at least she’s not poisoning her liver like I was! It’s not drugs, it’s not drink, I think I’d rather her spend her money on that than clothes from Primark/new look/H&M etc. Obviously it would be amazing if she was saving it all, but she’s 19, had her first year at uni ruined and probably her last year of 6th form too?

Prisonbreak · 23/03/2021 22:40

I’m in my 30’s, my own mortgage and fairly successfully self employed. Anytime my mother has asked me round to share a takeaway she’s never asked me to pitch in. If you are that hard up, maybe look at your own expenses.

TheSmallAssassin · 23/03/2021 22:41

It's the only way she will learn. It's also up to her what "extras" she wants to spend her money on, you might not value you the same things.

Incidentally, if she doesn't get the maximum maintenance loan because of your income, it's expected that you top it up (though I guess you are doing that by feeding and sheltering her at the mo!)

dj14 · 23/03/2021 22:43

I don't see the problem with chipping in for a takeaway.

My 17 and 20 year olds both chip in, usually around £8 each for Chinese or pizza. They both pay rent and both earn more than me mind!

langdale2016 · 23/03/2021 22:45

It's not a treat if you've got o pay for it! I wouldn't have asked my daughter to pay out.

AlexaShutUp · 23/03/2021 22:45

Well, we all make different choices about how we spend our money, and as long as we're covering the basics, then there is nothing inherently better or worse than spending money on in-app purchases than there is on a takeaway or holidays etc. It isn't how I would choose to spend my money, but each to their own, I guess.

The only thing that would concern me is that gaming can be quite addictive, and these apps are designed to suck you in and get you to spend more and more on stuff that you don't really want or need. I think I would want to reassure myself that this is an active choice, and that she isn't sliding into some sort of addiction.

IHaveBrilloHair · 23/03/2021 22:45

Her money I suppose.
My Dd is 19 and sometimes buys things that I don't think are sensible, but she doesn't live here, and it's not my business.

XiCi · 23/03/2021 22:48

I can't get over you asking your 18 year old daughter for a fiver for a takeaway tbh. I imagine thats why she was rolling her eyes. Its a pretty odd thing to do. Also think that £35 a week isn't much money to spend on a hobby, staving the boredom off during lockdown. Shes not going out for drinks or meals so its going to be pretty much her only spend!

SittingAround1 · 23/03/2021 22:51

She's 19 and therefore an adult, so you need to leave her to it.

I used to blow all my student money on drinks, going out and takeaways when I was at uni. I then had to get temping jobs in the holidays to get my overdraft back to £0 before the start of term.

If it reassures you I'm now very financially responsible.

MondeoFan · 23/03/2021 22:52

I wouldn't ask my daughter for £5 for a takeaway. I think it's pretty mean tbh. Even if you both ordered the Chinese and she just had some of it, without any input. Still a child really at 19

ConsuelaHammock · 23/03/2021 22:53

Sit down with her and work out how much her loan will cost her to pay back once she’s earning. She probably doesn’t think of it as real money. If she has a career/job in mind, how long will she have to work to earn £35 after tax?

PenisBeakerIsMyFavouriteMuppet · 23/03/2021 23:12

Did you get her a takeaway anyway?

Candyfloss99 · 23/03/2021 23:16

Can't believe you asked her for a fiver for a takeaway.