Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

My son will be 24 in a couple of days and lives with us as he gets to make a go with his career. I could never image asking for money for a takeaway. If that is too expensive cook for the family.

As long as it wasn't gambling and becoming a slippery slope I'd leave her to it.

Yes, that would be my only worry.

OP just to say that it's fine to sometimes ask your kids to chip in for a takeaway. Mine really enjoy Chinese, but as you say, it can be very expensive and we can't always afford it or justify the expense. Previously they would ask for a Chinese, we would say no we can't afford it, and they would offer to chip in a little. So we all got to enjoy a meal we wouldn't otherwise have had. It's not about charging them for their meals, it's about them helping out a little when it's something that they really want and we can't really afford. They are all older teens who have all had part time jobs before (though not at the moment) so have money other than what comes from us. I don't see what's wrong with this.

@Leeds2

To me, it is silly spending. But she probably has little else to spend her money on at the moment, so I would cut her some slack. I also wouldn't have asked her to contribute to the takeaway.

Just because there isn't much to spend money on at the moment isn't a reason to throw it away.

Mine really enjoy Chinese, but as you say, it can be very expensive
It was a fiver per head. You wouldn't get a portion of rice for that round here, but I suppose that's not particularly relevant.
If you can't stretch to an extra fiver just don't have it rather than making your kids pay for themselves, maybe?

Haha I'm nearly 30 and spend far more than I should Pokémon Go, money I probably wouldn't spend if I could go out and do things. It is a hobby, so I can agree with her that game could be too.

She obviously has a bit of an addiction to this game

Because she spends money on it? Why can't she just enjoy it for what it is? Why the assumption that she's addicted? 😂

I'm a diehard Covet fan (basically a fashion dress up game) and since the lockdown I've been spending money on it. I realise a lot of people don't understand the logic in spending real money on a fake hair accessory (yes, I'm a grown ass adult!) but honestly it provides me with at least 30mins a day of entertainment, and I enjoy it. The developers need to be paid and I'm happy to support them considering I had happily played for free on and off for years. I have little else to spend my money on at the moment, so why not?

Spending money on something you enjoy is not an addiction!

I also buy books which I usually tear through in a few hours, and nobody seems to judge that or say "she's obviously addicted to books"

I'd rather pay for in-app purchases of something I enjoy than a TV licence to support something that brings me 0 enjoyment. We all have choices, and hobbies, and interests.

OP please ignore the bullying re: asking your DD to pay. You may not have enough to put an extra £5 in to the takeaway pot and goodness knows why some people feel so willing to belittle you over that. Of course it's reasonable to ask someone who has some income, who could have more disposable income than you (for all we know) to contribute their cost of a treat item. It's silly to suggest you should never get a takeaway unless you can sub an adult who could perfectly well pay their own way. That clearly was not the point of your question and you can see from some other posts that there are plenty of other people who don't think you deserve the vitriol spouted at you over that. I think what I'd say is that your DD may just be going through a natural phase of bad spending choices and may re-set herself. Not protecting her too much from the consequences of her choices (e.g. don't pay for her takeaway!) is how she will learn to think things through a little more thoroughly before spending. Having some social life back when we come out lockdown might help too. At the moment life is so flat, what else is there to do and enjoy anyway?

If she's spending within her budget I really don't see why you should be shocked she'd rather spend the money on games than a takeout. It's different priorities but neither is irresponsible. If she is worried about her in-app spending or feels she can't control it, then she may need support but you don't indicate it's a problem.

I share other people's surprise at you asking her for money for the takeaway, but I assume that's because money is tight for you all and this is a big treat you can't really afford as much as you'd like if she doesn't pay her way? If so I can see why her spending may seem profligate but I don't think it would be any different if she'd said no because she wanted to spend the money on clothes/holidays/music lessons/gym pass/etc. These are her priorities at the moment and it's okay that they aren't yours.

I can't believe you asked your 19yo DD to pay £5 for a takeaway. I am honestly gobsmacked.

what at the moment has she got to spend on -no bills

i mean yes she should have a spare fiver but shes probabl bored out of her brain

In 1993 I spent £500 of my student grant money on a Pioneer CD player. I was mad. But the sound quality was amazing! Thinking about hooking it all up again now.

I wouldn’t ask for money for the takeaway but I can easily afford it. Don’t worry that you asked her to chip in it’s a perfectly ok request.
In app purchasing in games is quite frankly dog shit, I game a lot but despise in game and in app purchases especially if loot box style purchasing. People often don’t realise just how much their spending.

2 things:

1. Tell your daughter shes throwing her money away, but tell her its her choice, but plant the seed in her head she will have to pay it back one day and is it worth it for a game no one will care about in 6 months. She sounds really bored and addicted. Might be cheaper to get her to buy a Switch or something.
2. £5 towards the takeaway sounds insane. Rent free or not - you chose to bring her into the world and things can't be that bad if you are even contemplating getting a Chinese so sounds harsh.

It’s a bloody fiver, not like she asked the daughter to fund the whole meal for the whole family! People on here are ridiculous!

She’s a young adult . She’ll do what she wants . Money means different things to them. I’m on a pretty low income and my 19 yr old is in hospitality management . She earns a mad amount compared to me. My family think it’s bonkers that I don’t charge her rent and housekeeping . But having emerged from the life I did , and that wasn’t a pretty one . I don’t need to teach my child the value of money, I need to teach her the value of herself . I’ll keep propping her up until she has a home of her own and is almost dickhead proof. But my daughter is 19 and has almost 15k savings and owns her car. I still haven’t achieved that myself . I’m very proud of her , and also I wont take a penny away from what she’s achieved because we both have suffered due to my poor life choices and she is a bloody legend to be where she is . It’s strange she’s on a managers salary and I’m still at uni but that’s how it goes . We are both very proud and love each other .

I'd not ask my student DC for a contribution towards a takeaway. Most of their friends on full student loans struggle to make ends meet if they have to also meet all the costs of their accommodation. Most had jobs before lockdown and if they've now lost them they are struggling. with or without spending on whatever pleasures. and blimey there are precious few right now. My DD is so bored she shops for clothes on de-Pop quite a bit - money she would have otherwise spent on clubbing and nights out.

Finding it hard to budget when young isn't uncommon of course. Even the max student loan isn't much really.

@Shockedmum1828 What happened with heer accomodation (if you feel able to share?)

Also, I found it impossible to budget as a student. I was addicted to smoking to the extent that I couldn't afford to go out when everyone else did, even though I had a bit of extra money. Would also buy random stuff.

Turns out I have some mental health problems and after I started to get some decent treatment for them in my mid-20s I was able to budget adequately. Is that something that might be a factor?

I don't think you were wrong to ask for a fiver (which wouldn't've covered even the whole of her meal) towards a takeaway by the way.

@Bouledeneige

I'd not ask my student DC for a contribution towards a takeaway. Most of their friends on full student loans struggle to make ends meet if they have to also meet all the costs of their accommodation. Most had jobs before lockdown and if they've now lost them they are struggling. with or without spending on whatever pleasures. and blimey there are precious few right now. My DD is so bored she shops for clothes on de-Pop quite a bit - money she would have otherwise spent on clubbing and nights out.

So she’d spend/waste extreme amount of money on clubbing, booze, clothes, probably think nothing of spending £5+ on McDonald’s or £10+ on a pizza for herself, but you find it offensive if she pays £5 towards a family meal to help parents out and save them cooking for a night? Total madness! My kids would be more than willing to do this! If they were totally skint and had no money at all then fine, but with money in the bank which they’d otherwise waste, they’d not think twice! Even my younger teenage children have offered to pay for a takeaway out of pocket money (not that I let them at their age)! Everyone’s different I guess! I know parents who cook their kids dinner, send them up to their rooms, and order themselves a takeaway! Now I coulcc Dec never do this mind!

@Itsnotyouitsmeiswear Yes, it's not like students have never been known to have a takeaway, is it?

Another one that finds asking for the fiver strange. She is 19.

Some people have suggested she may be addicted to the app - that is true, she might be. This lockdown has probably lead to all manner of additions as escapism. Once we can actually go back to living, you might find her Interest in it wanes

Wouldn't she have been spending money on transport, lunches, nights out as it is? I dont think it is ideal to be spending that much on an app but I do think it is probably related to the current situation by the sounds of it

Itsnotyouitsmeiswear. No I wouldn't ask for a contribution to a takeaway because it would be an alternative to a meal I would otherwise cook for both of us. I don't tend to charge my DC for food that I have provided. If I suggested going out for a meal in normal times I would pay too. And if I open a bottle of wine I offer my DD a glass too - I don't charge her. I didn't realise this was unusual. My DC are clearly very lucky to have such a generous mother!

But my DD does order in food for herself from time to time and offer to get me things, she buys groceries or brings me back a coffee or a pastry. She also buys me generous gifts from time to time too.

But the point I was making - which you missed - was the kids that we know on full student loans who pay for their accommodation don't have much left at all if they no longer have a job. They are really skint.

That's a ridiculous amount to be spending on an app game.

It reminds me of a schoolfriend of mine who wasted all her pocket money putting it into the fruit machine at a cinema (no age restriction there, for some reason, but we're talking the 1980s too). Madness and a gateway to addiction.

Your DD is a bit old to have things taken off her, obviously, but she can't go leaving herself short because of her gaming habit!

Well I think I must be horrible as well compared to the rest of you all.

We always have a house full of food but if our adult kids are here and it’s not a special occasion and me and DP fancy a takeaway then the adult kids are welcome if they chip in. It is a special occasion, birthday, family get together, anniversary etc then we’ll pay for it ourselves.

And the important point here (surely) is that the OP has found out that DD has been spunking £££ on some pointless game. Now that that has come to light it can be discussed and resolved (in some way.)

[quote me4real]@Itsnotyouitsmeiswear Yes, it's not like students have never been known to have a takeaway, is it? [/quote]
That is exactly the situation here as well. The difference here is that one DD would be offering money before the order has been placed whilst the other DD would be ordering the entire menu and wasting half of it whilst not thinking of offering a contribution.

The daughter that freely offers the money is very often refunded without the other daughter knowing.