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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gobsmacked about DDs spending

391 replies

Shockedmum1828 · 23/03/2021 22:28

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

OP posts:
amusedbush · 23/03/2021 23:16

I'm 30, married, own a house, have worked full-time since I was 17 and I've never once paid for my own meal when I've eaten with my parents. I try to pay - they won't take the money!

I was older than your DD when I regularly used my last fiver to buy fags and ate cereal for dinner...

RickiTarr · 23/03/2021 23:17

@Shockedmum1828

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

So you’d be fine for her to spend it all on “clothes, special occasions and small holidays” but not on apps?

For one thing I can’t see much of a difference between frittering it in one enjoyable thing v frittering it on another. If your objection was that she should have contingency savings, I would agree with you, but you’re not saying that.

For another thing, we’ve all been locked down for most of a year. Clothes have been largely redundant, special occasions and holidays have been more or less impossible. So she is spending it on a different kind of pastime.

Frankly you both sound equally frittery.

FortunesFave · 23/03/2021 23:20

My DD is 16 and sometimes offers me money towards things bless her. I'd NEVER take it. Not in a million years....it just shows me she's been brought up correctly! Fancy asking a uni student for a fiver towards her dinner!

icelollycraving · 23/03/2021 23:22

I can’t imagine asking my dv to pay towards a take away. If I couldn’t afford, I’d not have it.
In app purchases seem pointless to me but so were all my pursuits at 19.

TheChosenTwo · 23/03/2021 23:23

Tbh I can’t quite get over the fact that you asked your own daughter for a fiver for the takeaway Shock
And go on to say that it’s not the cheapest - I can’t think of a takeaway meal of any description being cheaper than a fiver Shock

But anyway, since you did ask her and this has all come out, what kind of app is she spending money on? If it were eg a gambling one I’d be concerned.
As she says it’s arty and supporting the artist, I’d be less worried and probably more baffled.
I wasn’t a sensible teen with cash, would blow money on all kinds of highly unsuitable things. I did grow out of it and am now financially responsible...

Bumblebee1980a · 23/03/2021 23:27

I couldn't ever imagine asking my child to contribute towards a takeaway but that's just me. We don't have takeaways but still I wouldn't dream of it unless I had no money.

negomi90 · 23/03/2021 23:28

It sounds as though have different spending priorities.
But
She knows how much money she has. What she's spending it on. What she can't spend it on.
She's not paying for the games at the cost of things she needs, she's viewing games as a better treat then a takeaway. Neither is wrong.
If she were physically at uni, she could easily be spending that much on a single night out, or a daily coffee and pastry at costa. Her entertainment budget probably isn't out of whack for a student in normal times.

Selttan · 23/03/2021 23:29

Can't believe the outrage at asking her to contribute to take away.

If she had no money coming in then fine but she's got enough money to waste on in-app games then why shouldn't she?

JudgeRindersMinder · 23/03/2021 23:31

So what do you spend all your money on if you need to ask your child for a fiver towards a takeaway?

pumpkinpie01 · 23/03/2021 23:32

Do you contribute towards her living costs at uni at all ? If you do I think you have a right to be annoyed , I certainly would be

ceilingsand · 23/03/2021 23:32

I can't believe the judginess either. Do some people not have enough imagination to realise they may be able to afford things which other people can't.

Daisy8181 · 23/03/2021 23:33

Why are you all bashing the OP because she asked for a small contribution? Confused she has already mentioned DD gets to stay in the home rent free with all the other things like WiFi included. Fiver for a takeout is absolutely nothing.

The general stigma is that once kids turn 18 they must pay rent and pull their weight, a thread only weeks ago was raging about it.

But now you’re all down OPs throat for asking a small contribution? Are parents just an endless amount of cash and kindness now? Hmm

nitsandwormsdodger · 23/03/2021 23:34

Bizarre , I'd never ask a student to chip in such a tiny amount for a take away , that was a weird thing for a parent to do why would you not treat her to a take away she's your kid that vvv tight

She obviously has a bit of an addiction to this game , I would be looking into why she is so stressed depressed that she is looking for expensive kicks , be grateful it's not achual drugs

cliftonbear · 23/03/2021 23:34

feels quite normal for a uni student

DrunkBetch · 23/03/2021 23:35

She's 19, you need to cut her some slack. It takes time to learn how to manage money properly. When I was 19 I was blowing all my cash on clothes, booze and meals out with my friends but I'm not doing that any more.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 23/03/2021 23:35

What on earth is wrong with asking an adult who's living rent free and not even contributing towards food for a Fiver towards a takeaway?
My ds is the same age and buys his own!!

AJ1425 · 23/03/2021 23:37

I cannot imagine asking my child to chip in for takeaway. My parents were pretty awful, left me to pretty much fend for myself financially as a teenager, even they wouldn't have asked for money for this.

MarieDelaere · 23/03/2021 23:37

clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc

That sounds really wanky

AcornAutumn · 23/03/2021 23:37

OP I completely understand that a takeaway is a treat and you have to save for it

In that context, yes, I understand the app money is shocking. If you don't have money for cinema etc you just don't go.

But it's her money and she has to learn the hard way how it gets spent. She may be fine with her choices in future, i hope she is.

I'd just keep quiet but do be clear with her, if yo haven't already, that you can't bail her out.

HollowTalk · 23/03/2021 23:38

This thread is just like "cancel the cheque."

Teapotsandtablecloths · 23/03/2021 23:38

When i was at university and got my first loan payment, i dyed my hair purple and shaved half off, got a tattoo and pierced my nose. So i can hardly judge what she has chose to spend the money on.

However, a little more context around the app is needed. You have mentioned its arty and supporting an artist, what app is it?

As long as it wasn't gambling and becoming a slippery slope I'd leave her to it. If its what she enjoys it's no different to spending £40-£50 on a new playstation game.

Cocomarine · 23/03/2021 23:40

Well, she needs to show some bloody manners! Rolling her eyes and puffing at you - rude!

But sounds like you want her to stop her kind of frittering for your kind of frittering 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would certainly be a bit concerned, but have you actually established whether she’s spending more than she can afford? If her loan works out at £100 a month for spends after accommodation and she’s spending £35 of that on game purchases but not exceeding the £100 overall, there’s no issue.

Puffalicious · 23/03/2021 23:40

Like others, asking your own teen to give you money for a takeaway is pretty poor show. Pre Covid if any of my DC's friends/ girlfriends are around they get bought takeaway too- that's just what mum and dads do!

greenskylark · 23/03/2021 23:40

I can't believe you asked your own child to chip in for a takeaway at her parental home? So if she don't pay the fiver, she won't have any takeaway??

FireflyRainbow · 23/03/2021 23:41

£5 for a an adult for a chinese is a bargain op YANBU. I worked and gave my mum half my wages at 17. I think the only time I wasn't made to contribute to the household was when I had a cash in hand saturday job when I was 15 and 16. Think I got £20 for 9am until 5pm and felt well rich.

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