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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gobsmacked about DDs spending

391 replies

Shockedmum1828 · 23/03/2021 22:28

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

OP posts:
TheSoapyFrog · 24/03/2021 16:58

OP I'm nearly 40 and pre lockdown I would have never considered spending money on game add ons, however I probably now spend a tenner a week on them. When things go back to normal, I doubt it will continue.
I am curious as to where you are that you can get a Chinese for 3 people for £15...

tttigress · 24/03/2021 17:02

I was in one of the last year's when there was no fees and the possibility of a maintenance grant (I got a partial grant).

Got to admit many people (whether from rich or poor backgrounds) took out the maximum loan and then blew it.

The sums seem pretty trivial now, and there were less ways to waste you money in the mid 90s! (a lot of the people I knew back are now responsible parents, probably posting on Mumsnet)

foxhat · 24/03/2021 18:02

My point is that if £15 is a stretch, then so is £10 really and the money should be saved instead. I wouldn’t be buying a takeaway at all unless I was comfortable enough to not miss £5.

You can do what suits you but why are you telling others that they are wrong to do things their way?

People who live on very small incomes also want and deserve occasional treats and should not be judged for that.

Cadent · 24/03/2021 18:05

My point is that if £15 is a stretch, then so is £10 really and the money should be saved instead. I wouldn’t be buying a takeaway at all unless I was comfortable enough to not miss £5.

But it adds up.

foxhat · 24/03/2021 18:06

A) Either you grew up in a family where everyone over 18 is expected to financially pitch in, and there's an expectation that a young adult is quickly independent and recognised as an adult.
B) Or you grew up in a family where parents expect to support children and food is shared out, so a young adult gets extra support to help them through the period of little money and continuing education.

Yes but this analysis assumes that the adults have more money than the adult children which is not always the case. When I was a student - albeit a long time ago - that period where I had 'little money' was also a period when I had more money than my mum. I would have been ashamed of myself to expect her to sub me a takeaway just because I was 19.

Leftturnstraightahead · 24/03/2021 18:12

@RacoonworldMy point is that if £15 is a stretch, then so is £10 really and the money should be saved instead. I wouldn’t be buying a takeaway at all unless I was comfortable enough to not miss £5. Thanks for letting us know under what circumstances you'd think about asking for a contribution to a takeaway. Great advice on the £35 spent on gaming by the way - really insightful.

Shinyflecks · 24/03/2021 18:12

She’s a really young adult. You seem out of touch - sorry.
You also sound miserly, asking her to chip in.

I can’t imagine being 19 living through a pandemic not seeing friends etc. Where’s the kindest towards this generation?!

Shinyflecks · 24/03/2021 18:13

kindness

Fr0thandBubble · 24/03/2021 18:33

I really don’t think you should be asking her to pay towards food (takeaway or not) if she is a student.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 24/03/2021 18:37

Tbh most of us spent a lot more than that in the pubs over a weekend when we were at uni.

MiddlesexGirl · 24/03/2021 18:38

It's not unreasonable at all to ask for a contribution if OP is themselves on a low income.
And at least this worrying spending is now in the open.
Is DD defensive about it or open to help with dealing with with problem ... because it is for sure a problem spending that amount of money on a student income.

Shortiemyboo · 24/03/2021 18:59

I find it really strange the way you talk about your Dd, like shes a lodger. Surely its her home too? I cant believe you asked her for takeaway money.

Leftturnstraightahead · 24/03/2021 19:49

I find it really strange how loads of posters have just come on here to criticise without providing any advice on the £35 in app purchases despite the OP saying she is desperate for advice - did you all think she was asking you for advice on the £5 takeaway? Or did you just think your critique of the takeaway was going to be more fun for you and make her feel like shit?

Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 20:00

Exactly, if you are so hard up you need to ask your child to pay £5 then a chinese is not necessary...

KarmaNoMore · 24/03/2021 20:23

if you are so hard up you need to ask your child to pay £5 then a chinese is not necessary...

That’s not a child, no wonder so many students struggle in university when the parents infantilise them so much.

She wanted a take away, no problem, if the daughter prefers to waste her student loan in hobbies and not join the family for a take away that’s her choice. But saying she is broke because she is spending to much money in internet games is stupid to boot (sorry)

KarmaNoMore · 24/03/2021 20:32

Besides... if the daughter is living with OP due to covid restrictions, the OP is already saving her a lot of money in food, bills and possibly transport. Asking for a little contribution once in a blue moon is actually the right thing to do.

Joinedjustforthispost · 24/03/2021 20:35

Id never ask my child to chip in £5 towards a takeaway kind of tight! Kids unfortunately don’t prioritise stuff like adults , I remember complaining that I was skint then I’d blow my money on something silly then complain that I’d have no more money for the rest of the week. It comes with age learning the consequences of poor money management Grin

KarmaNoMore · 24/03/2021 20:43

That girl is an adult that needs to start behaving as an adult rather than expect mummy to keep paying her way.

My parents are pretty well off, they insisted we contributed to the bills as soon as we started having an income. It was very good for us, we quickly learned that our income was not pocket money to throw away, it is not tightness, just financial education. Wink

foxhat · 24/03/2021 20:43

OP are you OK? There are some hideous judgemental comments on here and people have ignored what you asked for advice for in order to make space for their value signalling.

I think money may be tight for you and even if not you have generally bought your daughter up to know the value of money. This makes her current decisions even more worrying for you. How's things with your daughter? I hope you are not feeling too dented by the hideous comments on here. Some of us are actually interested in the question you asked and the challenge you're facing and are wishing you well.

Marvellousmrsbagel · 24/03/2021 20:49

Is money an issue for you OP? It seems very strange that you would ask your 19 year old daughter to buy her own fish and chips.
It sounds like the gaming is an issue, but you can't dictate how she spends her own money unfortunately. I spent mine all on booze, fags and clothes.

Leftturnstraightahead · 24/03/2021 20:51

@Flowers24

Exactly, if you are so hard up you need to ask your child to pay £5 then a chinese is not necessary...
You are behaving like a troll!
Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 20:53

Sorry ? I am confused !

foxhat · 24/03/2021 20:55

@Leftturnstraightahead

I agree with you and am equally appalled at the comments on here. Such high levels of arrogance. I'd give up trying to get people to think about anyone else's position though. Some people are just lacking in empathy and don't give a shit.

Leftturnstraightahead · 24/03/2021 21:07

@Flowers24

Sorry ? I am confused !
How many times do you need to post to tell the OP she should not have asked her dd for £5 and if she was skint she shouldn't be ordering Chinese. How many more times do you think you need to kick the OP - are you having fun tonight?
Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 21:08

Sorry I didn't mean to repeat, I apologise!