Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

Rather then spending money on a daft app she should be paying for the Chinese for all of you. You’re letting her stay rent free etc. I didn’t go to uni but I did college and got a grant through that and I still paid my mum some money towards our house and bills. Also even know I’m 31 and if I have a takeaway with my family I’ll often pay. To my mum a takeaway is a rare treat and she’d rather spend her money elsewhere so if I can treat her I will do without a doubt.

Your daughter is still a student and you should be supporting her financially. Her student loan isn’t supposed to cover everything.

Gaming purchases are not a good use of money imo but as others have said, nothing else to do at the moment.

Why are people being such utter knobs about she was asked to chip in for a fiver over the takeaway?!
I knew that's what would get homed in on.
If she can afford 35 quid a week on game apps on her phone, she can afford to chip in a fiver for a takeaway, more like didn't want to as was just expecting parents to do it for her.

Posted too soon, takeaways ARE expensive despite eye rolling type posts upthread - not everyone can just afford extra dishes people don't pay for just because.

If you can’t pay the fiver for her take away then I doubt you should be analysing her spending habits.

What are you giving her as a parental contribution op? How much? Is she a full time student?

So people think she’s old enough to contribute to take away food (which is a waste of money in my opinion) but she’s not old enough to avoid having her mother quiz her about her financial position and demand an explanation of her spending habits? It’s one way or the other......

You asked her to chip in because takeaways are expensive
Then she said no it’s expensive
And you said omg why do you think takeaways are expensive

She doesn’t want to spend money on that, that’s her choice.
The in app spending seems a bit excessive but if you’re In the Uk and on lockdown what else is she meant to do. At 19 I was certainly blowing more than £35 a week on nonsense

She’s an adult and she’s not asking you for money so leave her to it unless you think it’s an addiction and a mental health issue

I'd always treat Dd, I can't imagine not and I don't have a lot of money.
Its just weird to me to ask them to chip in.
If I couldn't afford it I'd cook for her instead.

@Shockedmum1828

I don't think you were out of line to ask her for the fiver at all.

She's not a guest.

Two of my student DDs (19 and 22) have been at home over lockdown and they have each treated the three of us to pizza or some other takeaway, about once a month per DD.

I would be very concerned about someone blowing borrowed money on games. I would be so concerned that I would recommend she talk it over with her GP or with a counselor.

What are the issues with her accommodation?

It's not your duty to support your DD financially through university. If she can't afford student life then she needs to get a part time job. She chose to go to university and is on her way hopefully to becoming financially secure and independent. She needs to practice being the solvent person she hopes to be.

@mathanxiety - you would be concerned about someone “blowing borrowed money on games” but it’s alright for ops daughter to spend it on a takeaway? Why are your dds buying you takeaways with borrowed money?

My DDs are not buying takeaway with borrowed money. Where did I say they were? Why do you assume they were?

They have saved money from jobs pre covid. That money was to have helped cover expenses at university. Now that they are doing university from home, they have chosen to use the money to give me a break from cooking occasionally.

The OP's DD is living at home due to problems of some sort with her accommodation and is essentially frittering away money she will spend years repaying. On stupid games, no less, not something her family could use/appreciate. Meanwhile she believes it's ok to coast along and not contribute.

I would be very concerned about a tendency to addictive behaviour and a huge amount of immaturity.

I would also be shocked if my DD was spending that much money on games, if she spends £35 a week it is around £1500 a year which is a huge chunk of her student finance. I don't know if she will talk to you about it further or if she has some kind of addiction to gaming.

Having said that my student DD often spends things I find stupid like top of the range tech, you have to accept they are old enough to spend on what they like.

I also make my DD pay for her takeaways, she has full student finance and lives at home paying minimal digs. £15 for a Chinese for three people sounds cheap, it cost us £20 for the two of us at the weekend!

I actually agree with Mathanxiety partly on this one.
If they have chosen to treat the family to pizza, that's a nice gesture, especially if they've moved back home.
At Uni/college they do have to support themselves too.
I wouldn't be hugely happy about the Apps buying, but I'd keep my nose out, and I'm not sure what a GP would say either unless they were asking for help with a serious addiction.

@mathanxiety - you are obliged in the uk to support your children financially when they are in full time education. Why are they buying you food? They’re teenagers too which makes it even worse.

I don't personally see the problem in asking an adult DC to chip in for a takeaway if they have the money.

In-app purchases are such a huge waste of money and i say this as someone who loves gaming. I think many teenagers mess up their finances at least once, but hopefully she will learn to manage her money better.

i can see if the parents are struggling financially and you have a 19-year-old wasting money on games that it must grate a bit especially when you are paying for her food and other bills.

@Bouledeneige

Itsnotyouitsmeiswear. No I wouldn't ask for a contribution to a takeaway because it would be an alternative to a meal I would otherwise cook for both of us. I don't tend to charge my DC for food that I have provided. If I suggested going out for a meal in normal times I would pay too. And if I open a bottle of wine I offer my DD a glass too - I don't charge her. I didn't realise this was unusual. My DC are clearly very lucky to have such a generous mother!

But my DD does order in food for herself from time to time and offer to get me things, she buys groceries or brings me back a coffee or a pastry. She also buys me generous gifts from time to time too.

But the point I was making - which you missed - was the kids that we know on full student loans who pay for their accommodation don't have much left at all if they no longer have a job. They are really skint.

Yet they still manage to have enough left to buy booze, smokes, many clothes, clubbing, their own takeaways etc? You’re contradicting yourself really! I would never begrudge my children anything and I’m an extremely generous mother myself my children consider themselves very lucky, maybe that’s why they’d be more than willing to put in a fiver for a family takeaway. They know how to budget and find it generous to chip in for a takeaway once in a while, to give me a break. Of course, there’s always a kitchen full of food they’re welcome to but that’s besides the point. By the way, I don’t even ask them to chip in but I don’t have to, they offer. You don’t know OP’s situation and a Chinese could be a super rare treat! As I said, it’s a FIVER! cheaper than a bottle of wine or a McDonald’s meal!

OP Id be inclined to start charging her £40 a week rent. What you choose to do with that is up to you, save it for , use it towards shopping, put it towards treats, whatever. But I suspect that if you dont teach her that her money will only go so far, she wont learn up until the point she is either not able to eat or not able to pay her rent.

Repeating this as previous post is (hopefully) going to get deleted as it quotes a (hopefully) rule breaking post.

I am 41 and my parents wouldn't ask me to contribute to a takeaway.

I can't get passed the fact that you asked your Dd to chip in for a takeaway
Why not just buy her one!

I really hope your daughter isn't one of those who grows up to go out for dinner with friends and spends hours going through the bill working out exactly what everybody has eaten / drank

Well I would rather that my kids grew up to the be that person than the one who orders all the expensive stuff and says "Oh lets just split the bill" or the one who orders to their budget and then has to spend a lot more because of the person above.

The OP said "Shall we split a takeaway?" what the hell is wrong with that? The OP hasnt actually said what her own financial situation is. I am currently in a position, thanks to redundancy etc, to not be able to afford to treat my adult kids to a takeaway, students or not. So it would have to be a case of "We can have a takeaway but we need to split the cost" but then my kids are not spoiltand would understand that.

Oh and I have a very small appetite so half a portion of rice and about a third of a portion of a meat dish would be more than enough for me. A lot of people order (say) two meals between three as they can be very filling.

@Pinktaco

What sort of takeaway do you get?! A Macdonalds meal costs more than £5. Personally I'd feel embarrassed asking for that. There's nothing more unattractive then someone who is tight and I really hope your daughter isn't one of those who grows up to go out for dinner with friends and spends hours going through the bill working out exactly what everybody has eaten / drank. I worry she will based on your behaviour.

Laughable. All the ‘tight’ people I know are the ones who are well off! Mortgages/cars paid for! In my family, we’re too generous (will always buy a round/pay full whack for shared taxis etc!), I’m not broke but I’d love to be living in their houses, driving their cars.

With regards to the itemised billing, why should someone who has order a steak and bottle of red pay half for someone who ordered lobster, a bottle of champagne and the most expensive pudding on the menu? Shared bills generally only work if you all had roughly the same or you’re all rich!! Nothing tight about that!