Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

Disagree strongly with posters saying they’d spend more than £35 a week on booze so it’s ok to spend it on a game.

Firstly, spending £35 a week on booze is a waste of money, and not a good use of student DEBT.

Secondly, playing a game in isolation is not the same as socialising with friends.

Thirdly, paying money to “win” at a game is downright stupid. She has a problem.

Fourthly, I’m a boring sod who actually studied quite hard at uni, got a good degree and a fucking awesome job. Is it awful to say that if more young people did that this country would be better??

@Shinyflecks

She’s a really young adult. You seem out of touch - sorry. You also sound miserly, asking her to chip in.

I can’t imagine being 19 living through a pandemic not seeing friends etc. Where’s the kindest towards this generation?!

I was wondering where the kindness towards the OP was. She's getting a hell of a kicking over 5 pounds.

This place is weird. Sometimes everyone is saying that a 16 yo should be paying their own phone bills and pay for bus pass and hobbies. 18 yo should immediately start to pay rent and contribute towards food shopping. I was recently informed in one thread how I am spoiled and will never be independent cause I know that my parents wouldn't let me die of hypothermia under a bridge if for some reason I lose my housing. But now asking for a fiver is completely uoutragious.

No, I wouldn't have asked for a fiver and neither would my family when i was in uni. Now, I would probably buy it for them. But it is very weird how these can go either way.

As for the issue at hand. I do believe that using money like that for games is ridiculous. But for some it is not and I'm sure some of you would find my spending to be innaproptiate. I'd talk to her about the importance of saving however if she has managed to pay her bills and have not asked you for money then I think she needs to learn herself. It has been a weird time and since there is nothing to do i can understand her spending money on games a bit more.

The comments shaming the OP for asking for a takeaway contribution from her adult daughter here are horrible!

I grew up with a single parent who worked full time but on minimum wage. Ever since I started earning my own money at 18 whilst working during uni I have always contributed to things like takeaways, I would never freeload off my own mother as an adult! I wouldn't dream of expecting her to pay for me.

Shes not "mean", she's not "horrible", she's a hardworking mother on a low income and I'm proud to say I have always paid my way - I'm now a financially savvy mid-20s who is independent and knows the value of money. My mother did her absolute best. Mumsnet has royally pissed me off tonight, why can't soke posters understand not everyone can afford to fund their adult kids!

Fourthly, I’m a boring sod who actually studied quite hard at uni, got a good degree and a fucking awesome job. Is it awful to say that if more young people did that this country would be better??

Well I'm a boring sod NOW who nevertheless partied very hard at uni, got an ok degree and have had an amazing well-paid career. Everyone's different, going wild when young means next to fuck all a few years later, but the skill of hauling decent quality work out of a tired mind in a hurry is one I've had to use many times in my real life career. It's different types of learning, but it can all work.

I’m another who can’t believe you asked her to chip in for a takeaway. How bloody tight can you get? My parents would never ask me to do that and I’m nearly 40 with a full time job!

I'm glad your parents aren't hard up financially then. Has it not occurred to you that some parents simply can't afford to treat their adult children??

Also, show me a 19 year old who isn’t a crap with money.

Me when I was 19. Because my mother couldn't afford to pay anything towards my living costs whilst at uni so I learnt how to pay for my own flipping takeaways.

Not read the full thread but...

I wouldn't really ask my child (grown or otherwise) to chip in 5 quid for a Chinese, IF (big if) it wasn't a big deal financially

That said...

I downloaded a game last year on my phone, and had to "pay extras". Over the course of a month (when I looked at it later!) I'd spent £50 😱 I didn't realise I was spending that much (it was 99p here and there!)

I realise we're on lockdown, there's not much else going on, but I genuinely hadn't realised I'd spent that much!

Deleted the app pretty quickly...

you asked her for a fiver for her tea? unbelieavble

The game thing is worrying but a sign of the times, one friends son spent £150 of his birthday money on game upgrades.

It's an expensive hobby, but aren't they all - she said it makes her happy and she probably means that she can escape this utter shit show that is going on (and being found out) currently - I can't say I blame her - but, she needs to watch she's not getting addicted to this game that's taking her money.

@foxhat - I second your comments.

An awful lot of people here
(1) are incredibly privileged
(2) are not the parents of older children

foxhat totally agree, the comments about the takeaway are not only smug and shaming to someone asking for advice but also fucking tedious - who wants to read 16 pages of people saying exactly the same thing!

Do people not read the thread and think they’re the first one to mention the takeaway or do they just want to pile on?!

It’s horrible to read frankly and reminds me why I took a break from this site! OP if you’re still reading, hope you’re ok

@JudyGemstone

foxhat totally agree, the comments about the takeaway are not only smug and shaming to someone asking for advice but also fucking tedious - who wants to read 16 pages of people saying exactly the same thing!

Do people not read the thread and think they’re the first one to mention the takeaway or do they just want to pile on?!

It’s horrible to read frankly and reminds me why I took a break from this site! OP if you’re still reading, hope you’re ok

Yes, we should perhaps leave the requested five pounds donation aside because it's really not about that and we do not know the op's financial situation.

The expensive hobby/habit her daughter has taken up is another matter, however young people go through phases and lockdown has restricted them so much so we cannot judge her too harshly. There are far worse habits. She will eventually outgrow this one and when there is again some semblance of 'normality', will be socialising and enjoying herself in other ways.

The expensive hobby/habit her daughter has taken up is another matter, however young people go through phases and lockdown has restricted them so much so we cannot judge her too harshly. There are far worse habits. She will eventually outgrow this one and when there is again some semblance of 'normality', will be socialising and enjoying herself in other ways.

I don't think judging is what is needed - surely there has been enough of that pointless unpleasantness on this thread. Some people need to get a hobby that doesn't involve making other people feel like shit!

The problem of spending £35 a week on a game is whether it's a minor distraction in a socially limited time or the beginning of a gambling addiction - and one that escalates into something bigger. I certainly would not be chilled about just keeping my fingers crossed and letting them grow out of it!

Unfortunately due to the quality of posters responding to a genuinely troubling problem the OP has not had the support, advice and discussion that she needed to help her dd.

This thread is an example of MN at it's worst!

@Leftturnstraightahead

The expensive hobby/habit her daughter has taken up is another matter, however young people go through phases and lockdown has restricted them so much so we cannot judge her too harshly. There are far worse habits. She will eventually outgrow this one and when there is again some semblance of 'normality', will be socialising and enjoying herself in other ways.

I don't think judging is what is needed - surely there has been enough of that pointless unpleasantness on this thread. Some people need to get a hobby that doesn't involve making other people feel like shit!

The problem of spending £35 a week on a game is whether it's a minor distraction in a socially limited time or the beginning of a gambling addiction - and one that escalates into something bigger. I certainly would not be chilled about just keeping my fingers crossed and letting them grow out of it!

Unfortunately due to the quality of posters responding to a genuinely troubling problem the OP has not had the support, advice and discussion that she needed to help her dd.

This thread is an example of MN at it's worst!

This would be my concern re the app purchases. Playing those games are very addictive and it's easy to not think about how much you are actually spending "oh it's just another 99p/1.99 etc" especially when you do have to pay to get the "good" content... it really isn't the same as having a night out I don't think

Yes, it's addictive and it's completely hidden, and the consequences can be horrible, both socially and financial.

I agree it is in another league altogether from nights out.

@mathanxiety

Yes, it's addictive and it's completely hidden, and the consequences can be horrible, both socially and financial.

I agree it is in another league altogether from nights out.

It's more like spending £35 on vodka and drinking it alone in your bedroom. I'm sure if your dd had been doing that there would have been more of a reaction...but online gaming addiction is not something people are talking about as much - yet!