Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

CaytolBaaskin
I don't pay for mine, and she doesn't live at home.

...you are obliged in the uk to support your children financially when they are in full time education.
No you are not.

Why are they buying you food? They’re teenagers too which makes it even worse.
They're 19 and 22.
They are treating each other and me.
Why are you spouting this nonsense?

@mathanxiety

You and I disagree on many things (as I am sure you will recall :o) but I am 100% with you on this one. My adult kids see it as a point of pride to be able to treat me and each other, they would argue to the point of refusal if I wanted to pay just because I am the parent. In they get a bit upset if I dont want them to treat me, they see it as a nice way to thank me for all the treats I paid for when they were growing up. Why would I refuse to give them that sense of achievement that they can afford to do a nice thing for their ma?!

OP it sounds as if your dd is becoming addicted to this app. During normal times she could get a part time job which would both boost her finances and take up some of her free time so less he for playing on app. She can't go out and socialise and everyone copes to this awful lockdown in different ways. If she is on a full maintenance grant you obviously don't have a lot of money yourself which is why you probably thought your dd could chip in for take away. Could you point her in direction of budgeting course. There are lots of free courses out there at the moment. If my dd I would sit her down and tell her it is easy to overspend when you are given money all in one go and have to learn to manage it do you don't run out before end of period. Basic budget how much money you get take out essential spend tent, food etc then split what's left into how many weeks it has to last for. Very few students leave uni without an overdraft and that includes those who do have part time jobs and can budget. The grants simply do not cover everything she will need to spend. Students can have interest free overdrafts. Once we come out of lockdown I would be encouraging her to get a job. Don't be angry with her though as she has had a tough year and is using this app to cope. Better that than get hooked onto drugs.

I agree its stupid to be wasting money on apps.

I am confused about her financial situation. How can she only have a few £100 left to live after paying for rent each term and simultaneously be able to spend £100s on an app.

@mathanxiety - yes you are. Look it up. You said they are full time students - again, why would you let them buy you food?

[quote Pinktaco]@Itsnotyouitsmeiswear

My friends and family aren't cuns so if we do go out, we don't have to worry about that. If I did go out for a group meal and somebody ordered 'champagne and lobster', I'd take a long hard look at myself and who I associate with.[/quote]
Not always the situation. For example, imagine you dined out for your sisters birthday with some family and then her friends. And this happened with her friends, would you just cough up? I doubt it! Or maybe you’d just not go cos you’re sisters friends might be cuns! Not sure, but totally off topic anyway.

Nothing wrong with letting independent kids treat you to food.
I can't see an issue with that at all.

@IHaveBrilloHair - do you mean you don’t pay for maintenance for your student child? Why on earth not?

I had a friend at uni who sued her dad for maintenance. He had plenty but just didn’t want to pay and thought she should “stand on her own two feet” despite being a student and him being obliged to pay. She was awarded a few hundred a month. Student loans are not (and are not intended to be) enough for anyone to live on independently.

Failing to pay child maintenance is awful whether it’s payable to a child or to their other parent. We should not accept it.

@IHaveBrilloHair - they’re students though not independent adults. She should be supporting them. A one off gift is one thing but regularly taking money off your student kids is unacceptable IMO.

Christ bugger the takeaway, the issue is spending excessively on an app. She clearly can’t afford to sustain that. It’s not covet fashion is it? I know people that have gone down that rabbit hole! Very addictive and extremely expensive.

I don't need to pay maintenance, nor am I required to, she manages on her bursary and loan, as do many students.
She is an independent adult she has a flat with her BF is perfectly capable of getting a job to fit in with her studies, budgets and makes things work, and gas done since she moved out 18 months ago.
I'm always here for her, and of course would help if needed, we message most days and chat often.
We are very close, but maintenance, no.

yes you are. Look it up. You said they are full time students - again, why would you let them buy you food?

No you're not.

They're over 18, and everything they will ever amount to is what they are becoming right now.

They will not amount to freeloaders and they will not amount to adults who don't share in treating others from time to time. They are very happy to spend what they have earned on their siblings and on me. They're not kids and treating them as kids isn't doing them or their future roommates any favours.

They work part time jobs and their money is theirs to spend. It's not borrowed. It's not a credit card or an overdraft. They are sensible with their money and very well aware of the family finances and their own.

(And get this - we do a family Christmas gift exchange too, with each of the five DCs getting a gift for all of their siblings and for me, and they get me a gift for Mother's Day and for my birthday. Can you imagine it?)

As for your friend sueing her Dad, I ca only assume the circumstances were very different because I don't need to pay any for Dd.
That's not why I don't btw, it's just not necessary.
I treat her often, so her paying for a takeaway is something I'd find lovely and happily accept.

[quote CayrolBaaaskin]@IHaveBrilloHair - do you mean you don’t pay for maintenance for your student child? Why on earth not?

I had a friend at uni who sued her dad for maintenance. He had plenty but just didn’t want to pay and thought she should “stand on her own two feet” despite being a student and him being obliged to pay. She was awarded a few hundred a month. Student loans are not (and are not intended to be) enough for anyone to live on independently.

Failing to pay child maintenance is awful whether it’s payable to a child or to their other parent. We should not accept it.[/quote]
Actually, there are a hell of a lot of kids who get not financial support at uni because.....here's a shocker....their parents cant afford it.

I am a single mother, 2 of my 3 adult children have been/are at Uni and I didnt/dont contribute to their upkeep because my income is too low. That is accepted by the SL people and is why they both were awarded full loans and discretionary busaries.

Well off people not helping their kids, knowing that the kids will get a hell of a lot less in loans as a result of the parents income, well I agree that that is disgusting. But that is not the case for many many people. I for one am just thrilled that my kids will all do a hell of a lot better than I did and I wish I could help but I cant.

They dont have an issue with it, so I dont know why you do.

...they’re students though not independent adults. She should be supporting them.

Nonsense.

They're both over 18.

They choose to spend their money, which they earned and saved, once a month or so on their sibling and me.

They are independent adults - they are not dependent on me for financial support apart from providing a roof over their heads and meals/internet/hot water during summers if they stay home and work in the local area instead of getting a job in another city and subletting (which DDs 1 and 2 did when they were full time students).

They're living at home thanks to covid (and contributing to the home chores too). If it wasn't for covid they would be away from home for about nine months of the year barring Christmas and Easter, and supporting themselves through their jobs. It is possible to work PT and also be a full time student; it's very good for students to hold down a job and study - helps with time management and CV building and motivating them to get a decent degree and move on to something better.

Failing to pay child maintenance is awful whether it’s payable to a child or to their other parent. We should not accept it.

You seem to be confusing student maintenance with child support here.

And we wonder why there is a whole generation of kids who are failing to thrive! And by thrive I mean growing into actual adults instead of children in adult bodies.

I really hope that none of my kids end up with one of these dependent "Mummy will sort it out" man/womanchildren. I think it is no coincidence that there has been a real increase of threads on MN from women married to these people in the last 10 years or so.

Perhaps all you enablers of uselessness are counting on our children to do the parenting to your kids that you didnt bother doing.

I'm a single parent, have been all of Dd's life, I'm also reliant on benefits due to having a disability.
I really am not expected to pay maintenance, Im not a horrid, mean mother, I just don't have the money for a regular payment.

Dd even sorted out a guarantor for her flat as I couldn't do it due to my lack of income.
Yes I feel shit about it but also proud of her.
She really is an independent adult sure, sometimes she needs me, but at 43 I know I'd need my Mum too if she was still here.
I don't think needing your Mum ever stops.

I can’t believe that posters here are focusing on the apparent audacity of the OP daring to ask her adult child to contribute to a takeaway, and seem to think that it’s perfectly understandable that said adult should be spending £35 plus on an app.

it’s little wonder that so many young adults end up in so much debt when there is seemingly no need to have any financial sense what so ever.

How many of these posters would be happy to think that their husbands were spending that on an app, if they e.g. had separate finances?

She is not a child, she is an adult, no matter how many parents wish to continue infantilising their adult children.

In fact if it was a child their pocket money would hopefully be removed and their access to the game blocked.

But since it’s an adult there is A, nothing wrong with thinking she should contribute to a takeaway when she doesn’t even contribute to her living there, and B, be told that spending £££ on an app is bloody stupid and irresponsible behaviour and likely the result of an addiction.

Anyone who thinks that buying virtual coins/points/turnips for your farm is a perfectly good hobby which shouldn’t be discouraged needs to think about what it is they’re really saying here.

And wasting money on drink/cigarettes is by no means compatible, and I speak as a non smoking teetotaller. At least going out to drink etc has a social element to it, This most definitely does not and she might as well be flushing money down the toilet.

*comparable

I was working at 18 and living rent and nearly bill free at home, so I'd often buy my parents a takeaway or a joint of meat for a Sunday roast. She's 19! If she didn't want to pay for/ have a Chinese im sure she could make something herself. OP was right to ask for a contribution I think.