Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

But surely Mumsnet is the home of "family money" and the shared pot of money and joint bank accounts. If spouses contribute I can't see why 18 year olds living rent-free shouldn't be asked for 5 pounds. I lived at home when I was at university and I willingly handed over my entire bursary to my mother because she needed the money. It didn't mean she was a bad mother or bad at budgeting - just that there wasn't a lot to go around.

The accommodation bit is interesting and I would follow that up a little more closely than usual if it was me.

I also wouldn't be too happy to hear that a student LOAN is being spent that way but then our Daughter was expected to buy her own food (she was some distance away from home) fuel & Parking for the car, and day to day essentials with her uni money. She didn't have much left and we picked up the major bills.

I think its right your alarms bells are ringing, but you found out in a roundabout way most of us would not normally worry about. Either or, I would keep digging about the accommodation ''problems''.

I'm thinking she has a budgeting problem and might have been late with payments where she was.

Anyhow I haven't voted either way... good luck

Love how this thread has become about the fiver and takeaway rather than the DDs possible game addiction spending.

I would be furious OP, especially when she has full loan and is living rent free. She’s either an adult and pays her way in life and can spend what she wants and when but relies on you for nothing or she’s being supported and kept and you get to have a say in her spending.

I’d threaten her with board, after all, that’s what her maintenance loan is for, keeping herself.

It is obvious from the OP that this is a low income family because of the DD having almost maximum loans, also the DD is staying there because of problems with uni accommodation, if she was there she would buy her own food, the loans are meant for university time so for these reasons YANBU OP, and it is quite reasonable to ask her to chip in.

Perhaps that's the difference with me and Dd, she doesn't live at home and hr flat is permanent as in not just term time.
That's her home now.

This is one of those classic threads where MN can’t decide if 19 is an adult, therefore it’s none of your business, or a child - hence the scandal over paying five pound towards a Chinese 🤣

@justanotherneighinparadise exactly what I was thinking.
Imo if she's wasting spending money on apps then she can contribute £5 to her own food.

It’s her business what she spends her money on

It happens all the time and it amuses me no end.

Whole heap of people deciding that you should leave your house when your child is 16 if they want to have sex with their bf or gf, they deserve the privacy of course! But for any other decision making - THEY ARE CHILDREN!!!!!! (said breathily whilst clutching every pearl in the vicinity).

We need some clear mumsnet guidelines on this.

@user1487194234

It’s her business what she spends her money on

Ooooh here we are. ‘It’s her business what she spends her money on’.

Is it ‘her business’ because she’s 19 or because it’s her loan therefore her debt?’ Is it still ‘her business’ if you can’t pay for her student accommodation or her text books/associated course costs and wants OP to pay for those instead?

Asking for a fiver from your daughter is bizarre but she also needs her head checked wasting money on games.

“I’d never ask DD to chip in for a takeaway.”

Sometimes I think this board forgets that not everyone has money.

I can't get past the fact that you asked your own child to chip in for a takeaway...

Give her Sainsbury’s card instead so she can only access food and living items

I would like more worried about my own spending habits if I needed to ask my 19 year old for a fiver

I’d only give her 150 per month food vouchers and the rest in cash each month and ask her to find a job

Agree with not asking for £5 for a takeaway. Would be different if working full time

You asked for money for a Chinese takeaway?

It's not good. But not the first time a child has overspent / spent all their grant money upfront or something like that. sit her down explain and work out what you're going to do moving forward.

@Wishitsnows

I would like more worried about my own spending habits if I needed to ask my 19 year old for a fiver

Many people are struggling financially these days. Many businesses have gone under. Many people have lost work. These are hard times.

For many people, 15 pounds for a takeaway is a lot of money. I would also find it shocking that someone is spending hundreds on in-app purchases.

Families should pull together and help each other. I find the daughter's behavior really selfish.

I wouldn’t dream if asking my 19 or 18 year old DS’ to chip in, if we are having a takeaway DH & I will pay for us all. It honestly wouldn’t cross our minds to ask them for money.

I suppose your own money must be incredibly tight that you need to ask her for money for a takeaway. Next time you should respect that is up to her if she wants to use her own money for a treat or not. That said, in-app purchases are very wasteful and it's worth gently talking with her to suggest setting a reasonable small budget, say £10/ month, so she gets value from the entertainment without spending too much.

Some very odd replies on here from people who obviously have more money than sense.

It's fine to ask for a contribution to a take away. She lives with you rent free you feed her for free. Id hardly say you are being tight. Some people can't fathom that a takeaway is a treat that has to be budgeted for.

I'd be shocked too. A student loan is to fund you through university not waste on gaming. Budgeting is an essential life skill that she is obviously late to learn.