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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 23/03/2021 16:21

I suspect your DDs best friend has taken the best course of action. He'll not try that again. As for the school, can you really expect them to inform the parents of every single near the knuckle insult?

Sirzy · 23/03/2021 16:24

School won’t tell you about punishment given to another pupil.

It was an awful comment but being suspended for one comment would be way over the top.

SummerHouse · 23/03/2021 16:25

It is disgraceful. I think his parents should be told and he should write an apology if your daughter wants one. I think suspension is too much. Hope your DD is ok.

mbosnz · 23/03/2021 16:25

I can understand you being so upset and angry. However, you're talking about what you need and require. What does your daughter want? She is the one who was insulted, she is the one who goes to school each day with this boy. . .

Meowchickameowmeow · 23/03/2021 16:27

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

imalmostthere · 23/03/2021 16:27

Op - yes it's awful. Not condoning that behaviour. But he's absolutely not going to be suspended, neither should he be. His education shouldn't be effected because he was a dick one day. Getting the governors involved is over the top. It's a one off comment which was awful and I understand your DD being upset.
A stern talking to, a slap from her friend, and definitely a detention would suffice and teach him to behave himself.

TeenMinusTests · 23/03/2021 16:27

They won't suspend for a one off non-threatening comment.
They should have got him to apologise but otherwise it sounds as if they took it seriously, her friends stood up for her, and the other boys didn't support him.
That's really not a bad outcome.

(Though parents of boys - this is the age to tell your boys to stand up against other boys making inappropriate comments.)

activitythree · 23/03/2021 16:28

@Sirzy

School won’t tell you about punishment given to another pupil.

It was an awful comment but being suspended for one comment would be way over the top.

This.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 23/03/2021 16:30

From the point of view of the school, they're probably being very careful not to hear that he got twatted across the chops by somebody else. or to be heard saying it serves him right.

Because if he goes running home to Mummy complaining that a girl/two girls slapped him for NO REASON AT ALL, she's likely to be ringing up wanting to know that his attacker(s) is/are suspended and have to write him an apology letter, intending to go to the Governors if her darling boy's safety in school is not made a top priority.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:35

I teach y6 and if one of my class made that comment they would absolutely be sent home. They're only one year older and I don't see why that would make it any better.

@mbosnz my daughter wants him gone out of the school ideally. Hes part of her wider friendship group and it will be difficult for her to entirely avoid him in future so she would like to at least not have to deal with him in school.

No wonder men turn out the way they do if boys are allowed to behave like this with no real consequences. Looks like I'll have to deal with his mum.

OP posts:
Lettuceforlunch · 23/03/2021 16:36

What a disgusting, misogynistic thing to say. The school really should come down on him like a tonne of bricks, particularly given the current environment. How dare he trot out such sexist claptrap so glibly?

Dowermouse · 23/03/2021 16:37

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

Maybe it would stop this stupid shit coming out of their mouths?

Sansaplans · 23/03/2021 16:37

my daughter wants him gone out of the school ideally

Wants him excluded for that? What punishment do you foresee as fair for the girl who slapped him around the face in that case? Of course boys shouldn't be able to 'get away' with it, but there are far better ways than wishing someone excluded just because she doesn't want to see him.

Xiaoxiong · 23/03/2021 16:38

I agree with NeverDrop. I bet they are trying to keep the issue squarely with him, so as not to do anything about DD's friend who stood up to him. If you go stomping in there putting stuff in writing and making a fuss, they'll have to deal with her slapping him and physical violence is usually dealt with more severely than verbal comments, especially if they are "merely" insulting and not threatening. I'd leave it for now if I were you and let the school deal with it, since they've said they're investigating.

bigbluebus · 23/03/2021 16:39

At my DS's school any form of physical violence resulted in a suspension. I'd be very careful that you don't end up getting your DD's friend suspended for slapping the boy if you push this to a further investigation.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 23/03/2021 16:40

I'm Shock that you'd send a child home for this. That would come under illegal exclusion surely.

The boy needs to apologise, have a detention and his parents informed.

StoneofDestiny · 23/03/2021 16:40

I agree with Lettuce. This is a vile insult, offensive language and has the intent to humiliate. It's not a small matter at all.

skylarkdescending · 23/03/2021 16:42

I do not condone what he said. I also agree with the points about it being mysoginistic and I'm sorry your DD was so humiliated.

I would consider carefully how you respond to this. What you do and say now will have a big impact on your daughter and how she deals with incidents like this going forward.

How could you build her resilience and give her the confidence to face the boy (and the many men) that she will inevitably come across in the future?

This will play out across the friendship group as well. How does she want to be seen by her friends - male and female?

Thunderpunt · 23/03/2021 16:43

@ShinyGreenElephant

I teach y6 and if one of my class made that comment they would absolutely be sent home. They're only one year older and I don't see why that would make it any better.

@mbosnz my daughter wants him gone out of the school ideally. Hes part of her wider friendship group and it will be difficult for her to entirely avoid him in future so she would like to at least not have to deal with him in school.

No wonder men turn out the way they do if boys are allowed to behave like this with no real consequences. Looks like I'll have to deal with his mum.

It's a disgusting comment, and he should be punished but exclusion is OTT.

As for you 'dealing with his mum' you don't sound much better than your daughters friend who slapped him. You might want to tone your own language down Peggy Mitchel

activitythree · 23/03/2021 16:45

Looks like I'll have to deal with his mum.

I almost found it plausible that you were a teacher, even if a little misguided regarding exclusion, until this wee gem Grin

TheLifeAndDeathBrigade · 23/03/2021 16:46

I think suspension for a first offence would be over the top. Detention and an apology letter feels appropriate, with any further incidents with escalating consequences. I'd be very clear with school that this is a mysogynistic incident, not just a silly insult and you want it treated as such.

Also, contact his Mum. If this was my DS is be fucking livid with him, and he'd bloody know about it!

Sirzy · 23/03/2021 16:46

A teacher who thinks it’s right for parents to go to other parents over things that have happened in school? Confused

Suspension isn’t going to educate him, it isn’t going to change his way of thinking.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 23/03/2021 16:46

I 100% think he should be suspended for this. I am SO ANGRY on her behalf and schools letting little shits away with this kind of misogynistic, bullying abuse is so much of what is wrong with the world. I’m really seeing red on your behalf, I would be on the phone to the head and not taking no for an answer.

That is disgusting. Everyone who laughed should be in detention pronto. How dare he make a young girl uncomfortable to be in education.

activitythree · 23/03/2021 16:47

I would be on the phone to the head and not taking no for an answer.

That's not how it works.

PollyPocket245 · 23/03/2021 16:48

Personally I think you should wait and see how it has been handled and what the outcome is. The ask your DD how she feels about the outcome.

It’s a HORRIBLE thing to say, but you mention he’s turned on her recently so it would be worth considering if he’s bullying her?

If you know his mum, I would say absolutely give her a call mother to mother but if you don’t, I’d swerve it. Parents can sometimes be worse than kids...

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