Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

This absolutely has to be seen in the context of the misogynist society we live in. Things are far from equal between girls and boys, men and women.

How on earth do we think vile abusive men start out? As pleasant, kind 12 year olds?

In the future when OP's daughter (sadly, inevitably) talks about the extent of the misogyny she's faced in her life, will this be the first on the list? That first time when she realised that without her consent she had gone from a carefree child to being perceived as the public property of males?

I am not a fan of exclusions as they merely pass the problem along but this boy needs some kind of intervention to undo the male entitlement he so clearly already feels towards women's bodies. If I was his parent I'd be taking the screen away for starters and auditing his outside influences. If I were his teacher I'd be tempted to make him research something like women's suffrage or domestic violence rates and write an essay as well as a letter of apology that demonstrates he understands what he's done.

Yes its wrong but I think your dd is also being unrealistic if she thinks this incident would mean the boy should be kicked out of the school. I also think a telling off and warning not to make such comments I'm future is an adequate punishment in this case and you going into the school all guns blazing will not help you at all at this age you can not expect to be informed of everything like at primary.
Boys do need teaching in general such comments are not acceptable but suspending them isn't going to get these boys educated that this behaviour is not acceptable.
On the other hand I feel the girl hitting him over this was ott and perhaps your daughter and her friends need educating on how to handle these situations as the problem of how men treat women is not going to vanish over night.

@YukoandHiro

No *@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy* that's incorrect.

The attitudes that cause abuse and rape are those where DD accepts that she does in fact have to listen to what this Arse says and that he has any power or influence in her life.

He does not. Why is he being granted it?

You've just said that rape and abuse happen because of the attitudes of women... I don't actually think you meant to, but you've got yourself into a total hole so maybe stop digging?

You need to understand stuff like this is often the thin end of the wedge...it starts with this, and progresses to more crude comments and then (certainly based on my scholastic experiences) to sexual assault. Because they feel entitled to do it, and no one stops them.

One of the best parts of moving to an all girl's school at 16 was knowing I would be spared the daily onslaught of crude sex comments and being groped in the corridors. All of which teachers turned a blind eye to, or assumed it was boys being boys.

30 years on we are still making the same mistakes. I feel so sorry for young women that nothing has changed.

Describe what that means to you @enigma16 - how would it work? How do you guarantee a learning opportunity and not force resentment which increases the appalling views reflected?

The boy should have to formally apologise and get some education on bullying.

The girl who hit him should have to formally apologise and get some education on unacceptable physical violence.

They both need to be punished. One action does not excuse the other.

Sorry, spotted that yes, she did inform someone at school.
Glad she did that

@Dowermouse

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

Maybe it would stop this stupid shit coming out of their mouths?

It would likely increase the amount of "stupid shit coming out of their mouths" as some would see it as an easy way to get out of school.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy I didn't say they should allow it to happen. I said suspension/governors is neither likely nor realistic. Nor probably very helpful in teaching this lad

You're a teacher, OP? 🤔

That aside, the whole lot of them need a good talking to for behaving like little louts. Since when was it ok to slap a classmate? And would the same standards be applied if a girl told a boy his dick stank? Would you be wanting her to be excluded, OP?

As a PP says, they all need PE and/or a bucket of water.

And as you are a teacher, you don't need me to tell you never, ever to take on the parent of your child's aggressor, because teachers know this better than anyone.

It’s not right but your daughter also responded with an equally insulting comment too.

Her best friends assaulted him too, so all three are in the wrong!

It was a horrible thing to do and he should be punished with loss of privileges and made to apologise .
The girl who hit him should he excluded, there is no excuse for that and as for speaking to his parents that’s a definite no, the school should deal with it.

You need to understand stuff like this is often the thin end of the wedge...it starts with this, and progresses to more crude comments and then (certainly based on my scholastic experiences) to sexual assault. Because they feel entitled to do it, and no one stops them.

And this is why I don't understand why people think he should be treated leniently because he's 12. It's because he's 12 and is still forming his attitudes and beliefs that it's so important that he's made to understand that what he said wasn't just 'rude' and that it isn't ever acceptable.

I've been on Facebook forums where grown men have used vile misogynist comments like this and I always call them out on it but it needs to be called out from a young age so boys don't grow into men thinking this is acceptable.

What a horrid thing to say! Totally unacceptable and I would have expected him to be kept in at break to write a suitable letter of apology.

However, if I were the boy's mother, I would also expect the same punishment for the friend.

Because physical violence isn't ok either.

That's appalling, PP saying he's been punished enough clearly don't understand the link between comments like this and systemic misogyny in wider society. They need some sort of program to teach kids about sexual objectification to stamp out disgusting behaviour like this from children so young. Not even a teenager.

[quote VaVaGloom]**@flumposie* And this was a group of 12 and 13 year old boys*

Yr7 so 11 and 12 year olds a lot of which will only just be hearing terms like this for the first time and are still learning what is and isn't acceptable (this clearly isn't). They were in primary school in July, they've only had one full term in secondary school.[/quote]
Yes spot on ...surely a year 6 teacher should be well aware of that

This is certainly a post which is pitting people against each other on a very current issue and OP has disappeared ....

I can understand how upsetting and humiliating it must haven been for your DD but you need to let the school deal with it. I’m shocked you think it appropriate to approach the boy’s mother. Suspension does seem a little OTT.

It would likely increase the amount of "stupid shit coming out of their mouths" as some would see it as an easy way to get out of school

That makes sense. There are already numerous ways a kid could easily get suspended if they wanted to. They generally don't go around doing them just to get out of school!

YukoandHiro I would expect the boy to be excluded for a time, and for someone from the school to explain to him why what he said was wrong and the consequences of misogyny.

The whole school should be spoken to about misogyny and sexism.

@IrmaFayLear

Frankly the whole bunch of them sound like they need a good talking to and more supervision/separation at breaks.

The mouth on that young man is disgusting, the slapping like something out of EastEnders and the OP’s Dd being “asked out”.... the OP herself demanding action is inappropriate and “sorting out” the boy’s mother - again, is this Walford?

I think hormones have been running wild here and the whole bunch of them need a good dose of PE/bucket of cold water.

Absolutely this.

Awful comment from the boy, definitely agree. However, do you believe the friend who slapped him should be excluded too? Given the choice, I would 100% exclude your daughter's friend over the boy. What if in response to your daughter's insult, one of his male friends slapped her? I imagine this would be a very different thread if that happened.

Boy should receive detention and female friend suspended. Physical violence is never acceptable, even in these circumstances

They boy should get a punishment, Something preferably long and boring where he gets to contemplate the sexist insult and explain very thoroughly on paper why it was wrong, and in his own time it after school. You should take it up with his head of year.I doubt it will be an exclusion though.
The girl that slapped him has overstepped the mark in my opinion, can you imagine if her hit her back? I do think she’ll get in trouble for using physical violence even though what he said was vile.

I hope op is not a troll...weird how they have not responded.