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AIBU?

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Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
Robintakeover · 23/03/2021 16:59

OP I own a 12 year old boy , he would never say such a thing to a girl - I think at this point in time he finds them a cross between terrifying and a bit annoying . I’m gobsmacked a boy of that age would say such a thing... but as my own lad is experimenting with swearing and finding his way I’m not 100% surprised. but I’m also a bit sad as a year 6 teacher you want to hang him out to dry . He’s a child . He needs some intervention and some guidance and yes some consequences ... but suspension ... when physical violence is also apparently ok !?

Blackdog19 · 23/03/2021 17:00

Good on your dd’s friend for standing up for her. If the school don’t deal with his disgusting comments seriously at least she, and the other boys supporting your dd, might make him think. He’s a bully. It should be dealt with.

bendmeoverbackwards · 23/03/2021 17:00

@Meowchickameowmeow

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?
Yes I can. Maybe it would give the message that this is totally unacceptable and will not be put up with.

OP, I'm sorry, your poor dd. As for her male friends not speaking up, that is deeply depressing. I'm not blaming them, it's difficult but this is why we desperately need to educate boys and young men to call out this behaviour. Every. Single. Time.

AdelaideK · 23/03/2021 17:01

It's a disgusting thing to say. I have two teenager lads and I'd be appalled to hear them speak like this.

However I do think exclusion is too much. I don't agree with the friend getting involved and slapping him either.

A detention and a good sharp lesson in manners and mysogny should suffice.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 23/03/2021 17:02

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cansu · 23/03/2021 17:02

You are right to expect him to be dealt with but he is very unlikely to be suspended for this. Being excluded from school for one very unpleasant and revolting comment is unlikely. Your dd's friend who slapped him will also be dealt with as her response won't be condoned.

MasksAndAntiBac · 23/03/2021 17:02

I would expect at ds school that this would result in isolation, do all schools have this?

KurtWilde · 23/03/2021 17:02

Of course what he said was vile, but there's definitely a bit of two wrongs don't make a right going on here. If you're a teacher would you be ok with a girl slapping a boy for making a misogynistic comment in your class? Because I don't hear you gunning for punishment of your DDs friend for physically attacking another student.

In my school both would (separately) be excluded for 3-5 days. Detention. And possibly BOTH sets of parents would be brought into school to discuss the behaviour.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/03/2021 17:03

@Dowermouse

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

Maybe it would stop this stupid shit coming out of their mouths?

mmmhhmmm, we're talking about what women can do to make themselves feel safer when they're adults when here you have a perfect example of how you can teach boys to respect girls (and women when they get older)
MrsClatterbuck · 23/03/2021 17:03

I teach y6 and if one of my class made that comment they would absolutely be sent home. They're only one year older and I don't see why that would make it any better

I'm not sure if you could make that decision off your own bat

IdblowJonSnow · 23/03/2021 17:03

I disagree massively with PP saying this boy shouldn't be suspended. If he'd made a racist comment he would likely be suspended and rightly so.
What he said to your DD was sexist and misogynistic. Shouldn't be treated any differently. Once boys get the message that girls should not expect to bear the brunt of this shit they might actually stop this behaviour.

You've done the right thing here OP. Get it in writing, give the school an opportunity to respond but taking action is absolutely right.

I hope when he sees his comments written down the little shit will be mortified.

BabycakesMatlala · 23/03/2021 17:03

At my child's secondary it's a day's internal suspension for any discriminatory behaviour of that kind. I can't believe so many posters are playing it down - that's absolutely disgusting behaviour.

DON'T GO TO THE PARENTS, THOUGH Grin

LitCrit · 23/03/2021 17:03

It's not a random insult. It's misogynist - it was directed at her because of and through her woman-ness.
It's likely to be a hate crime soon.
The school should act on that basis and make sure that he and all other children know that it's as offensive as mocking someone on the basis of the other protected characteristics eg being gay/Muslim/black.

I am absolutely horrified at all the enablers on the thread. Nothing's going to change for girls if you work against it like this.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 23/03/2021 17:04

@cansu

You are right to expect him to be dealt with but he is very unlikely to be suspended for this. Being excluded from school for one very unpleasant and revolting comment is unlikely. Your dd's friend who slapped him will also be dealt with as her response won't be condoned.
Surely you would expect a school to suspend students for targets racist harassment?
AnnieKN · 23/03/2021 17:04

12 year old boys may say stupid shit but they may grow into adult men who say stupid shit if they’re not punished and taught why it is wrong to say stupid misogynistic shit.

I don’t know about suspension etc but he should be significantly reprimanded and most importantly spoken to about WHY what he said is misogynistic and so offensive. Hopefully the school have done that.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/03/2021 17:04

Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no

And this is why he's been so foul.

An entitled male who doesn't like to be told "no".

I think an exclusion period is warranted - or at least a fortnight of detentions. And he should have to apologise. What a vile thing to say.

bendmeoverbackwards · 23/03/2021 17:04

@FallenSky

Horrible comment and if that was my son I'd want to know. I think he should be made to apologise. I do, however, think you're overreacting massively with talk of suspension and governors. He's 12. 12 year olds say stupid shit. It's awful that he's even come out with something like that but I should imagine the slap he got has embarrassed the crap out of him and hopefully he is suitably ashamed.
'Say stupid shit'?? Really? You put this comment on a par with saying silly things?

I bet he isn't ashamed and will do it again and again. We need to clamp down hard on comments such as this.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 23/03/2021 17:05

I have to say I don’t feel bad for the boy who got slapped for being a nasty little fuckwit. Unless the friend of OP’s daughter generally has a habit of slapping people (no idea) I think the misogyny is a much bigger issue that needs addressing- it’s deep rooted and needs stamping out.

Grenlei · 23/03/2021 17:06

Close your legs type insults directed at girls were very prevalent at the secondary school I went to in the 1980s. It was condoned then, as was the same kids telling Asian pupils they stank of curry.

The latter has not been acceptable now for many years, and any child now coming out with racist abuse of that nature would suffer a heavy sanction...so why is misogyny still deemed to be ok somehow?!

me4real · 23/03/2021 17:06

You could complain but also make sure she has plenty of supplies for her period and doesn't have an infection or anything.

BabyBee93 · 23/03/2021 17:07

Bloody hell, I find the fact that people with attitudes like yours are raising our next generation of men TERRIFYING.

This is an extremely harsh thing to say to someone no less a mother. This comment you've replied to actually condemned the behaviour and suggested that checks notes educating young boys on why this behaviour is unacceptable is going to be far more beneficial later in life than a knee jerk reaction of suspension which likely won't actually teach him why his words were harmful

There's nothing TERRIFYING about the way this poster is raising her son for gods sake

ChachiChichi · 23/03/2021 17:07

Thing is though, at this point, the boy's already been slapped and called an ugly little rat (presumably because of unfortunate looks/teeth) so aren't they even really?

Cap89 · 23/03/2021 17:07

Until recently I was a secondary school teacher and had pastoral leadership roles for 7 years. In my experience there would be a few things to deal with here. The friend physically assaulting the boy would be taken seriously and at the least would result in an internal exclusion. I would praise her for standing up for her friend, but would need her to understand she handled the situation badly on this occasion and there were consequences for that. The boy is a different matter. If this was part of a pattern of behaviour and he had been making unpleasant comments to your dd/other children regularly, then this may warrant escalating to an internal exclusion. However, if it was a ‘first offence’ my instinct would be to speak to him very seriously about how he made dd feel until I was confident he was able to make a genuine apology to dd and then if dd was comfortable would arrange a supervised mediation where he was made to apologise in person, validating her feelings. I think a detention would also be appropriate as bullying comments should not go ‘unpunished’. Simply excluding the boy will likely make him more determined to be unkind in the future. I think it would lead to resentment of dd and could likely lead to him ‘digging in’ on his misogyny, ultimately making life harder for dd and other girls he comes across.

Obviously if the above didn’t work and this behaviour continued from the boy, the consequences would escalate. We can’t jump to exclusion at the first instance for everything children say. None of them would ever learn anything and we’d have a lot of kids being kicked out left right and centre.

cansu · 23/03/2021 17:07

He made a nasty and deeply unpleasant comment about the OP's daughter. It wasn't racist abuse. He should absolutely dealt with and it may well be that this kind of comment should be dealt with by isolation ie an internal exclusion but it is unlikely to be so. I am not saying that's right but it is the likely outcome.

enigma16 · 23/03/2021 17:08

I'm really shocked at how many people are minimising this. This is misogyny at its worst, especially as he is obviously 'punishing' her for not going out with him. If he gets away with this he will learn that it's OK to abuse girls in this way and that it's OK to punish them if you get rejected.

He must apologise. If the school won't deal with it contact his mum. I feel rage on your poor daughter's behalf! And as some people said, misogyny will soon be considered a hate crime so he'd better get his shit together NOW!