Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

Why do we set the bar so low for treatment of women and girls?
This was misogynistic - pure and simple. If he were an adult he could lose his job over this. If the boy had made a similarly vile racist comment he would be suspended. For crying out loud we need to stop men and boys thinking it’s ok to behave like this. I am in favour of zero tolerance on this - and if it were my son I would be furious and expect the school to take no prisoners.

@bendmeoverbackwards you username is interesting considering your comment - BUT I absolutely do not mean she should accept it, but that life is full of sexist twats ana she can't expect institutions to deal with them (they don't: they won't). Sounds like she handled it really well and needs support from her mum rather than hyperbole and getting governors involved about playground slanging.

I would not anticipate a 12 year old would be suspended foe a racist comment either. I would expect that they would face reprimand and re-education and I would hope I would be teaching my child and child's friends to recognise racism and sexism and call it out immediately wherever it is seen.

@YukoandHiro

Of course your DD is upset but a) remind her that he just said whatever came into his head and it's nothing to do with being on he period and b) you can't over react like this every time some twat is rude to her. Teen years are brutal. She needs to learn to shake it off and rise above the (incredibly childish) boys of her own age. Ironically he's probably interested in her. Men are fairly pathetic from a very early age .

I really don’t say this lightly, but attitudes like this are why sexual abuse and rape of women is so common.

@QWERTYUIop9 of course he'd lose his job over it if an adult. So would OP's DD's friend for slapping a colleague.

It's school. They are children. They are there to be educated. You simply cannot compare it to an office.

Head of year need to speak to his parents
Completely OTT to want him removed

Having had the pleasure for a short time using the same bus to get to work and the high school kids I can assure you all kids male and female can be this vile . I have worked on building sites and heard tamer comments than on the school bus from boys and girls .

@VaVaGloom just to add to my comment I would expect school to take it seriously with negative points, detention and a serious talking to about acceptable conduct

I would also be giving your DD a big cuddle on the sofa tonight, and making sure she knew she was secure and loved and no horrible comments will ever stop that from being the case

I would not anticipate a 12 year old would be suspended foe a racist comment either.

Wow, just wow.

Apology yes, suspension no

It's a horrible comment. That said, I think that suspending the boy is completely OTT - personally I would rather that there was an appropriate punishment alongside a wider discussion around why this kind of behavior and language is so unacceptable. We need to be actively teaching our boys why this is wrong and encouraging them to call out other boys when this happens. Whilst I can understand why the DD's friend was angry, you absolutely cannot physically assault another child - in my kids school, the slap would definitely result in a suspension.

No @Onjnmoeiejducwoapy that's incorrect.

The attitudes that cause abuse and rape are those where DD accepts that she does in fact have to listen to what this Arse says and that he has any power or influence in her life.

He does not. Why is he being granted it?

I'm in a primary school. There's no way we'd send a child home for a first offense comment like this. But there would be consequences, possibly an in school inclusion.

And a teacher should know better than reaching out to another parent directly as a parent.

Frankly the whole bunch of them sound like they need a good talking to and more supervision/separation at breaks.

The mouth on that young man is disgusting, the slapping like something out of EastEnders and the OP’s Dd being “asked out”.... the OP herself demanding action is inappropriate and “sorting out” the boy’s mother - again, is this Walford?

I think hormones have been running wild here and the whole bunch of them need a good dose of PE/bucket of cold water.

I don't have secondary age children so I would like to hear what actually happens in school.

There's no way schools are empty of racism becuse racist families exist and racist teachers exist. We live in a racist society. What happens when a racist comment is made by a year 7? I would anticipate punishment, re-eduction, involvement of parents etc. I wouldn't expect suspension for first offence. But maybe I'm wrong. Teachers/parents, tell me: what is the procedure?

@Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons

That’s vile What is the school consequence for a similarly vile racist comment?

This is a good point.

I think the OP should be making the case that all pupils have the right to come to school in a safe and supportive environment, ask the school what steps they are taking to educate pupils about inappropriate sexist language and sexualised behaviour , how are they ensuring that pupils and staff are aware that such behaviour is inappropriate, and what sanctions does the school think are appropriate . How is the school monitoring sexually based bullying , name calling and disrespectful behaviour. Is this recognised as a part of their behaviour policy or does that policy need to be addressed and revised.

In other words treat this behaviour in the same way that good schools have learned to tackle and challenge racist behaviour by monitoring, educating and sanctioning.

This is why misogyny needs to be a hate crime.

OP I'm not sure how you writing a statement based on your daughter's side of things is going to inform them of what actually happened.
You were not there.
Other kids were there, so the procedure in event of a parent complaining about this sort of thing is to ask other kids what happened.
Sure, all guilty parties will minimise what they did themselves, but not all who were there were guilty of something, so statements from them will be for the school a far more reliable version of what happened.
If you commit to your version that "slapping" or "verbal retaliating" occurred, then you also stand to get your own kid into trouble.
The boy was vile, but then so are many boys. You cannot change him, but you can change your daughter's reaction to this sort of crap which is pretty common in secondary school. She ought not to react, she ought to report it discretely to an adult on site asap, not wait until home time, and ignore the boy thereafter.
The only exclusion likely to happen is for the kid who slapped. That is violence.

@YukoandHiro

No *@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy* that's incorrect.

The attitudes that cause abuse and rape are those where DD accepts that she does in fact have to listen to what this Arse says and that he has any power or influence in her life.

He does not. Why is he being granted it?

The fact that you think the school should just allow this to happen and the only thing the CHILD being sexually harassed and misogynistically bullied should do is change her attitude to be more accepting of abuse. Abusers gonna abuse y’all, no point punishing them! Get in practice to saw aww well the boys can’t help it, no point trying to see them held accountable!

@flumposie And this was a group of 12 and 13 year old boys

Yr7 so 11 and 12 year olds a lot of which will only just be hearing terms like this for the first time and are still learning what is and isn't acceptable (this clearly isn't). They were in primary school in July, they've only had one full term in secondary school.

Firstly, I think you need to make sure the school are aware that this is part of a pattern of behaviour from the boy to DD. It isn't just a one off, but the school need to know that if they are to deal with it properly. One off comments don't usually (IME) lead to exclusion, but bullying or repeated verbal abuse will.

Secondly, you do need to be prepared for the fact that DD's friend probably will be excluded for her reaction. I understand why she did it and don't really blame her, but schools must have a zero tolerance policy on hitting.

Thirdly, there is ongoing debate about the use of forced apologies when dealing with such shocking behaviour. It can make the victim feel pressured to forgive or get over the incident, even if they are still upset. You say you want an apology, but surely it only means something if it is genuine? Where a child has realised how bad their behaviour was and wants to apologise (ie it is genuine) it is often better to wait a couple of days to allow cooling off and to check with the victim that they want an apology. Either way, the school need to investigate and understand precisely what happened first because it was a serious incident and you don't want the boy to go away thinking he can say what he likes as long as he says sorry afterwards.

Thank you @raincamepouringdown - as I expected. Some parents seem to live in a dream world. The reality is that teachers will be dealing with sexism and racism daily and TEACHING is what they are there to do. Immediate exclusion isn't practical nor is it likely to actually teach anything about equality, diversity and tolerance

We don't send kids home for any sort of comment. Sexist, racist, homophobic comments do happen, and they are taken seriously at my school. They don't result in exclusion at home though. Depending on the severity of the comment (which, while this one is disgusting and very unpleasant for your dd, this is actually not one of the worst I've heard) it may be detentions, or a time in the internal exclusion room (sometimes it's just an afternoon, other times it could be a day or two). Sending kids home for making horrible comments doesn't work, mostly because kids who come out with comments like that have often picked their attitude up at home. So at home there won't be conversations about why is wrong and how the victim is feeling, at school those conversations happen in the detention/exclusion room. You, as the parent of the victim, wouldn't be told what the punishment would be either, that is between the perpetrator (and their parents) and school.

@skylarkdescending

I do not condone what he said. I also agree with the points about it being mysoginistic and I'm sorry your DD was so humiliated.

I would consider carefully how you respond to this. What you do and say now will have a big impact on your daughter and how she deals with incidents like this going forward.

How could you build her resilience and give her the confidence to face the boy (and the many men) that she will inevitably come across in the future?

This will play out across the friendship group as well. How does she want to be seen by her friends - male and female?

This is edging on victim blaming...teaching her how to respond more appropriately if it happens to her again Really? Really?

There should be zero tolerance for racism, misogyny and homophobia in all schools.

[quote YukoandHiro]@bendmeoverbackwards you username is interesting considering your comment - BUT I absolutely do not mean she should accept it, but that life is full of sexist twats ana she can't expect institutions to deal with them (they don't: they won't). Sounds like she handled it really well and needs support from her mum rather than hyperbole and getting governors involved about playground slanging.

I would not anticipate a 12 year old would be suspended foe a racist comment either. I would expect that they would face reprimand and re-education and I would hope I would be teaching my child and child's friends to recognise racism and sexism and call it out immediately wherever it is seen.

[/quote]
Eh?? What has my username got to do with anything? It's a Victoria Wood quote if you must know.

I can't quite believe how you are minimising both sexual and racist comments. It is NOT ok and there must be zero tolerance. You are wrong about institutions dealing with them - schools, universities and workplaces all need to take a serious stand against them.

I don't understand PPs attitude to this remark.

It's sexual harrasament and should be treated as such.

He didn't say 'shut your mouth your breath stinks' which would be a shitty, childish comment. He referenced her vagina which is not appropiate on any level whatsoever.

Definitely take this further.