Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

@AnnieKN

12 year old boys may say stupid shit but they may grow into adult men who say stupid shit if they’re not punished and taught why it is wrong to say stupid misogynistic shit.

I don’t know about suspension etc but he should be significantly reprimanded and most importantly spoken to about WHY what he said is misogynistic and so offensive. Hopefully the school have done that.

I'd go further. Put this into PSCHE lessons in every school in the country. Teach boys what is and isn't appropriate. Having a quiet word won't cut it.

The girl shouldn't have slapped him, violence is wrong under any circumstances but I can understand why she did it.

How long will girls and women have to put up with comments like this? Enough is enough. It's got to stop. Educate boys from primary school onwards.

The girl who slapped him should get suspended. He should get detention and made to apologise. End of. The teachers should inform his parents, not you.
Going forward, would your DD expect every kid to get expelled if they upset her?

@GladysTheGroovyMule

I have to say I don’t feel bad for the boy who got slapped for being a nasty little fuckwit. Unless the friend of OP’s daughter generally has a habit of slapping people (no idea) I think the misogyny is a much bigger issue that needs addressing- it’s deep rooted and needs stamping out.

I don't either. The only thing that worries me is that a girl has humiliated him in front of him mates, and he might take revenge in some way.

He's obviously an entitled little sh*t!

Whilst is a vile comment hes 12 year old lack common sense and have lack the immaturity to understand their actions at the time.. He shouldn't be excluded but put in detention and write an apology letter that being said her friend was out of order and had zero right to strike a boy because she knew hes less likely to hit her back and likely she will be punished and rightly so.

As others have said, the girl who slapped him across the face should expect some kind of sanction too.

Tell his mum! If that was one of my boys I'd bloody well deal with it. School wouldn't need to!

@BabyBee93

Bloody hell, I find the fact that people with attitudes like yours are raising our next generation of men TERRIFYING.

This is an extremely harsh thing to say to someone no less a mother. This comment you've replied to actually condemned the behaviour and suggested that checks notes educating young boys on why this behaviour is unacceptable is going to be far more beneficial later in life than a knee jerk reaction of suspension which likely won't actually teach him why his words were harmful

There's nothing TERRIFYING about the way this poster is raising her son for gods sake

Agreed. Jesus what an overreaction.

@MasksAndAntiBac

I would expect at ds school that this would result in isolation, do all schools have this?

Spot on ! ...

I’m actually wondering about the OP ... a teacher who seems to have no idea about official process ? ... really ?

Appalling comment. Appalling reaction with the escalation to violence.

If you’re a teacher then you surely would know how to navigate a complaints system, in a proportionate manner?!

Well, if either follow the process or tell them I'll be finding every means of tagging them on all their publicly available information to tell them that they dont take disgusting sexual comments seriously and if this is schools deal with it then its no wonder girls and women don't feel safe.

A person has a right to say no to a date without being asked again and then bullied as a result.

Of course your DD is upset but a) remind her that he just said whatever came into his head and it's nothing to do with being on he period and b) you can't over react like this every time some twat is rude to her. Teen years are brutal. She needs to learn to shake it off and rise above the (incredibly childish) boys of her own age.
Ironically he's probably interested in her. Men are fairly pathetic from a very early age .

What does your daughter want to happen?

I think that whatever the outcome of what you push for is, your DD’s friend will end up with the worst punishment here.

As a former teacher and a current school governor, I don't think the boy is likely to be suspended. However, this is sexual harassment and I think you have a right to have some in-school sanctions applied - a day's isolation or calling parents in to discuss it.

Calling the school governors over a one-off incident is not really appropriate. But escalating to Head of Year or School Safeguarding Lead is totally reasonable. Your daughter has the right to feel safe and feel the school is dealing with the incident properly.

@ShinyGreenElephant

I teach y6 and if one of my class made that comment they would absolutely be sent home. They're only one year older and I don't see why that would make it any better.

@mbosnz my daughter wants him gone out of the school ideally. Hes part of her wider friendship group and it will be difficult for her to entirely avoid him in future so she would like to at least not have to deal with him in school.

No wonder men turn out the way they do if boys are allowed to behave like this with no real consequences. Looks like I'll have to deal with his mum.

I am sorry your daughter had a vile upsetting comment made towards her. I can understand how upset you must be on her behalf. But do you really think all children should, or do, get suspended or expelled for being rude at secondary school OP? It wouldn't be a proportionate response. Do you think your DD's friend should be suspended or expelled for being physically violent in retaliation?

There will always be people we dislike in life in school, work, social circles and we learn to ignore them. It sounds like your DD has a crew that care about her so tell her to focus on them instead.

No, he shouldn’t be suspended for this. He should have a detention and be made to write an apology letter. If a child in my class said this I would fucking bollock them to high heaven, phone parents, detention, the lot. There’s absolutely no way I would be able to get a child suspended for it though.

Sorry, detention and apology letter at the very least.

And yes @bigbluebus is right - that's a very real risk.

I agree the comment is rooted in misogyny, but she's going to face a hell of a lot of misogyny in life. She needs to learn to identify it, call it out and remove it (by now shutting him out) from day 1 as people are not always going to be there to do that on her behalf

@imalmostthere

Op - yes it's awful. Not condoning that behaviour. But he's absolutely not going to be suspended, neither should he be. His education shouldn't be effected because he was a dick one day. Getting the governors involved is over the top. It's a one off comment which was awful and I understand your DD being upset. A stern talking to, a slap from her friend, and definitely a detention would suffice and teach him to behave himself.

His education wouldn't be ruined by a suspension of a day or two, but the school treating it seriously might teach him something... Misogynistic comments aren't 'being a dick' any more than racist ones are; they're hate crimes. I agree that a 12 year old might not fully understand that but that's why it should be made completely clear how unacceptable it is - if he said it without thinking through how offensive it was and the consequences of it (for instance, if he repeated something he'd heard someone else say and get a laugh with) then that's all the more reason to ensure that he fully understands it for the future.

@IdblowJonSnow

I disagree massively with PP saying this boy shouldn't be suspended. If he'd made a racist comment he would likely be suspended and rightly so. What he said to your DD was sexist and misogynistic. Shouldn't be treated any differently. Once boys get the message that girls should not expect to bear the brunt of this shit they might actually stop this behaviour.

You've done the right thing here OP. Get it in writing, give the school an opportunity to respond but taking action is absolutely right.

I hope when he sees his comments written down the little shit will be mortified.

Exactly. Even in this thread there were quite a few posts implying the "boys will be boys" mentality which leads to boys and their "locker room banter" and lots of misogynistic men in the world. It's not tolerated against other races, why are women fair game?

@YukoandHiro

Of course your DD is upset but a) remind her that he just said whatever came into his head and it's nothing to do with being on he period and b) you can't over react like this every time some twat is rude to her. Teen years are brutal. She needs to learn to shake it off and rise above the (incredibly childish) boys of her own age. Ironically he's probably interested in her. Men are fairly pathetic from a very early age .

I can't quite believe your post *@YukoandHiro* She doesn't need to learn to rise above it and it wasn't just a 'rude' comment. Would you think the same about a racist comment?

If the girl who retaliated gets punished more harshly than the nasty little incel in training, the school is sending a very clear message that misogynist abuse is not a big deal.

There is a civil war against teenage girls in our schools. They are subject to appalling physical and verbal abuse from male fellow pupils. This is where it starts. 12 year olds saying 'silly' things.

There needs to be zero tolerance for sexual abuse as there is for racial abuse. It needs to become absolutely socially unacceptable

So he upset your dd then was hit and insulted back and was told off by a teacher yet you want him kicked out of school if that is the case so should the girl who hit him and your dd for calling him a rat also first offence is a warning at most schools if he does it again detention ect I think you need to give your head a wobble

This afternoon I have had to speak to one of my classes about misogyny. A group of boys think making girls feel uncomfortable is acceptable. It's always girls they target and never other boys.We are also spending the week using form time with all year groups ( secondary school )to discuss how girls are treated in society. As a teacher and parent of a girl I am astonished at some of the replies on here. This kind of shit is rife in schools . I would push for an internal exclusion ( out of lessons or lesson for a day).

And this was a group of 12 and 13 year old boys.