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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nan won't have vaccine

295 replies

PurpleYo · 23/03/2021 09:57

But expects everyone to still be happy to meet with her once restrictions lift.

What would you do?

She says if it's her time it's her time, she's not bothered. Which is her choice of course but I obviously wouldn't feel that way about potentially having killed my Nan if I were the one to pass anything on!

She is 80. I am in my late 20s with young children in primary so still going to be a bit of a risk factor for a while.

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/03/2021 10:01

It's entirely her choice of course. Of course you still meet her when restrictions are lifted. Why wouldn't you? She's said she's willing to take the risk of catching covid. Vaccines are not compulsory.

TitusPullo · 23/03/2021 10:02

I think you need to respect her decision and it’s up to you whether you feel comfortable meeting with her or not. If she is happy to meet with you and knows the consequences then I wouldn’t feel guilty about meeting with her. I wouldn’t be happy about the transmission risk from her to me though honestly and I’ve personally decided to not socialise with those I know have chosen not to be vaccinated.

NutellaEllaElla · 23/03/2021 10:03

Is this like suicide by vaccine avoidance?

GrumpyHoonMain · 23/03/2021 10:04

One of my relatives was like this, so I used DS as a bribe to make her get it done. Basically said if she got the vaccine then provided we did too we’ll bring DS to see her (she hasn’t seen him since he was born as he’s a lockdown baby).

Tinydinosaur · 23/03/2021 10:05

What would make you feel worse, your Nan dying of coronavirus and there being a small chance that you gave it to her while being asymptomatic, or your Nan dying alone having not seen you in so long because you wouldn't visit her becuase of her own personal medical decisions?

It's her decision, it's her body, once the case rates reduce and restrictions ease I wouldn't refuse to see my Nana because of her medical choices.

GrumpyHoonMain · 23/03/2021 10:06

@NutellaEllaElla

Is this like suicide by vaccine avoidance?
Not necessarily. All of the 80+ year olds I know who had covid didn’t even get symptoms. All the people I know who died were between 65-75.
underneaththeash · 23/03/2021 10:06

I wouldn't meet her either.

She's being ridiculous and selfish.

Original poster
PurpleYo · 23/03/2021 10:08

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

It's entirely her choice of course. Of course you still meet her when restrictions are lifted. Why wouldn't you? She's said she's willing to take the risk of catching covid. Vaccines are not compulsory.
So would you be fine if your Nan got ill and maybe even died and then you found out you were the one who gave it to her?

Funnily enough, her choice about it being her time if it's her time wouldn't be much comfort to me personally.

OP posts:
Okki · 23/03/2021 10:11

Does she normally receive the flu vaccine or does she refuse that one too?

TitusPullo · 23/03/2021 10:11

I think we infantilise elderly people too much. Mental state withstanding, elderly people are capable of making decisions and living with the consequences. My nan is also not having the vaccine but still expects all and sundry to run round after her including visiting. I’ve said no. And no I won’t feel guilt about her ‘dying alone’ as a PP laid on quite quickly. She has made a decision which I have respected so she should equally respect mine.

HollowTalk · 23/03/2021 10:12

Well, would she be happy about passing it on to someone else? She sounds utterly selfish.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/03/2021 10:13

Yes, of course, if the alternative is not seeing her at all! What are you actually saying? Look Nan- I refuse to ever see you again in case I pass a virus too you that kills you? That's ridiculous! If she has said she's willing to take the risk, then you have to accept that.

Overdueanamechange · 23/03/2021 10:14

I wouldn't meet her. This isn't just about protecting your nan. As a 20 something you won't be vaccinated for a while so are still at risk. You are unlikely to be very ill, hopefully, but a positive test could still put you in bed for a couple of days if not longer, and will certainly mean your household has to quarantine, miss school etc. Who looks after your children or goes out to earn money whilst you are ill and / or in quarantine.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 23/03/2021 10:14

her choice-let her get on with it-tbh id probs b the same as anOAP

TheKeatingFive · 23/03/2021 10:14

Yes, of course, if the alternative is not seeing her at all! What are you actually saying? Look Nan- I refuse to ever see you again in case I pass a virus too you that kills you? That's ridiculous! If she has said she's willing to take the risk, then you have to accept that.

This

BlackberrySky · 23/03/2021 10:16

It's her choice, but she also needs to accept that her choice may come with consequences. People not wanting to meet her might be one of them.

LilMidge01 · 23/03/2021 10:16

@GrumpyHoonMain ah well, that sorts it then! Her nan will be fine. I hope you're in touch with the NHS and the government's scientific advisors to tell them the good news that you don't personally know any over 80s who have died from Covid so it's not as bad a risk as they thought...I'm sure they'll be pleased to hear that

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/03/2021 10:16

I can't believe some of these responses. Branding an 80 yr old 'utterly selfish'. Accusing HER of putting a 20 year yr old at risk? 20 yr olds aren't AT risk!
Fuck's sake.

joystir59 · 23/03/2021 10:18

Respect her decision and get on with visiting her whenever you wish.

LilMidge01 · 23/03/2021 10:20

I find it odd that people seem to think the only 'bad outcome' would be her own death which she is comfortable with. She could pass Covid on to others more easily, killing them, making them severely ill (nurses, carers, you, people down the shop). Should she also become critically ill, she will increase strain on the NHS at a critical time.

yes it's her choice as it's her body. But she has to accept that it is not just a decision that affects her, she is also choosing not to participate in efforts to curb the spread of a virus that is killing thousands....so if she chooses to do that, then there will be consequences as to how she can live her life. Living her life more cut off from other people may have to be one of them.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/03/2021 10:20

@GrumpyHoonMain

One of my relatives was like this, so I used DS as a bribe to make her get it done. Basically said if she got the vaccine then provided we did too we’ll bring DS to see her (she hasn’t seen him since he was born as he’s a lockdown baby).
You sound horribly controlling
TitusPullo · 23/03/2021 10:21

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream - are 80 years olds not capable of being selfish? Confused

And 20 year olds are at risk they are just at much less risk. Covid isn’t risk free for anyone.

parietal · 23/03/2021 10:23

so she can make that decision

but decisions have consequences, and I think you would be quite sensible to decide that you won't visit her if she is not vaccinated.

Does she have a reason? scared of this particular vaccine or antivax in general?

LilMidge01 · 23/03/2021 10:23

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

I can't believe some of these responses. Branding an 80 yr old 'utterly selfish'. Accusing HER of putting a 20 year yr old at risk? 20 yr olds aren't AT risk! Fuck's sake.
She is selfish as she is actively choosing to not participate in curbing the spread of a virus that is killing thousands. Without the vaccine she has a higher chance of spreading it to anyone, not just the OP or 20 year olds. The OP may then also be spreading it after picking it up from her. If she chooses this path, fair enough. But she has to accept that there are some repercussions and not all of those affect her....which is kind of the definition of selfish. Yes it's not 'utterly selfish' and the worse selfishness ever...but it is still selfish when it's very little skin off her nose to just get vaccinated.
OfaFrenchmind2 · 23/03/2021 10:25

Is she afraid it could affect her fertility? This ship has sailed...