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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nan won't have vaccine

295 replies

PurpleYo · 23/03/2021 09:57

But expects everyone to still be happy to meet with her once restrictions lift.

What would you do?

She says if it's her time it's her time, she's not bothered. Which is her choice of course but I obviously wouldn't feel that way about potentially having killed my Nan if I were the one to pass anything on!

She is 80. I am in my late 20s with young children in primary so still going to be a bit of a risk factor for a while.

OP posts:
bringmelaughter · 24/03/2021 17:34

We had a similar issue with my MIL. I work in healthcare, have children at primary school and felt really uncomfortable in a similar way to the way you describe feeling.

We explained that we would support whatever decision she made but would have to continue seeing her virtually or at a distance outside when that is possible if her decision was to remain unvaccinated.

She did change her mind mainly because she was surprised at the unhappiness within the family. Big family, lots of children and everyone felt concerned and uncertain about what to do re seeing her if she remained unvaccinated.

I did feel bad that I think she did feel a pressure to change her mind but I just couldn’t find a way to feel ok about the risk in seeing her if she remained unvaccinated.

As a previous poster said, with decisions come consequences. All adults have to deal with this.

ThereOnceWasANote · 24/03/2021 17:41

I have to say it again - Covid is an awful way to die. You don't just slip off easily, it is a slow agonising process. Who in their right mind would take the risk of inflicting that on a loved one?

Alsohuman · 24/03/2021 17:47

@ThereOnceWasANote

I have to say it again - Covid is an awful way to die. You don't just slip off easily, it is a slow agonising process. Who in their right mind would take the risk of inflicting that on a loved one?
I imagine there’s more than one way of dying with covid.
Somethingsnappy · 24/03/2021 17:48

@XenoBitch

I should not feel the need to lie at all. People should not b giving me abuse, or threatening to withdrawal contact because I wont do the same as them.
Yes, I think this is a fair point. Manipulating/coercing/bullying someone to have the vaccine is unacceptable. If this didn't happen, the idea of lying would not have crossed anyone's mind in the first place. I am breastfeeding and won't be having it for a while. I think, if anyone asks me, I'll just say I've decided not to discuss it with anyone. They can then make up their minds about contact with me based on that and the possibility I haven't had it.
Zevia · 24/03/2021 17:48

Yeah, I'm sympathetic to the OP. I live in a different country from my family, so visits involve a long plane ride and passing through at least two large airports.

My grandparents were wavering on the vaccine and I told them I wouldn't be able to visit if they were unvaccinated. They barely get out of the house so, if they did get it, it would be obvious that it was from me.

I'm not sure what I'd do if there were medical reasons why they couldn't get the vaccine but it's a difficult position to be in regardless.

HedgeOwl · 24/03/2021 17:50

I wouldn’t, as with kids at school it’s not me but the kids who would work out it came from them of there was an outbreak at school. They might not know if you kept it quiet but one day in the future they would find out, and that’s a huge thing to place on a kid.

HedgeOwl · 24/03/2021 17:51

@Alsohuman slowly suffocating to death?
Or a bonus of kidney failure/a stroke or hearth attack might be a bit quicker. You don’t have a lovely day gardening and then just not wake up FFS.

Cadent · 24/03/2021 17:53

[quote May17th]**@Cadent* My concern was us passing it to her not the other way around.*

Life is too short. If that what OP wishes to do not see her grab I do not have an opinion on that... it’s her own choice[/quote]
No, it's OP's own choice not to see anyone who hasn't had the vaccine,w whether the risk is to them or herself. You can't dictate that choice is only for one party.

XenoBitch · 24/03/2021 18:04

[quote HedgeOwl]@Alsohuman slowly suffocating to death?
Or a bonus of kidney failure/a stroke or hearth attack might be a bit quicker. You don’t have a lovely day gardening and then just not wake up FFS.[/quote]
The people I know who have lost loved ones to Covid were told they went peacefully.. by the nurses looking after them. More often than not, they were not even conscious. No one in hospital should be having an agonising death, or be suffering at all. That would be a huge failure on the part of the HCPs looking after them.

ThereOnceWasANote · 24/03/2021 18:05

If she doesn't want to have the jab, that's her risk and her choice . But her family don't have to accept the responsibility of potentially killing her every time they visit and the years of distress that could cause. They are allowed to make their own choices too.
I'd rather have an alive nan I can't see than a dead nan I can't see.

May17th · 24/03/2021 18:05

@Cadent I’m not dictating anything. I agree with you it’s her own choice. That is what I was saying! As it is her nans own choice too!

May17th · 24/03/2021 18:07

@ThereOnceWasANote

If she doesn't want to have the jab, that's her risk and her choice . But her family don't have to accept the responsibility of potentially killing her every time they visit and the years of distress that could cause. They are allowed to make their own choices too. I'd rather have an alive nan I can't see than a dead nan I can't see.
That argument doesn’t stack up you have based it upon OPs nan dying because she has not had the vaccine. She could live for another 20 years....and OP is not going to see her nan? For 20 years possibly? Confused
Cadent · 24/03/2021 18:08

Ah sorry May Smile

ittakes2 · 24/03/2021 18:08

I would tell her while you respect her choice you can't see her as you couldn't live with the idea of discovering you had passed it on. Yes its bribery but she might change her mind.

May17th · 24/03/2021 18:12

It’s not everything that is an argument about the Covid vaccine. Hardly anyone will be persuaded to do something if you start forcing your own wishes on them!

I bet OPs nan may even changed her mind like many others. When I hear people telling me they are unsure about the vaccine. I just try and understand why they don’t want to take it... it’s not my business to starting inflicting my own views on them!

Would you do that to an over weight person with many health problems? No you bloody wouldn’t!

Zevia · 24/03/2021 18:27

Would you do that to an over weight person with many health problems? No you bloody wouldn’t!
But that obviously isnt remotely comparable?

May17th · 24/03/2021 18:31

@Zevia why? Please tell me is the vaccine so effective? Or is it because we are all at home in a lockdown and most things are still closed!

MeltsAway · 24/03/2021 18:45

She says if it's her time it's her time, she's not bothered.

Well, as long as it’s clear that if she were unlucky enough to catch COVID and even unluckier to need hospital care, she’d refuse that, and die at home.

It’s as much about the burden on the NHS as anything.

Principessa2070 · 24/03/2021 18:46

When are people going to realise the jab isn't going to stop you catching it. So whether she has or not there is no difference.

oblada · 24/03/2021 18:52

The vaccine is seen as some sort of miracle cure that everybody should be begging to have.
It's not. It's great but it's still work in progress and it's not suited to all and we are getting much better at treating covid in the first place. As such it makes sense for people to make an individual informed decision as to whether or not to have the vaccine. We don't need 100percent uptake, just a decent amount of the population as part of our efforts to curb the trend.

oblada · 24/03/2021 18:54

@MeltsAway

She says if it's her time it's her time, she's not bothered.

Well, as long as it’s clear that if she were unlucky enough to catch COVID and even unluckier to need hospital care, she’d refuse that, and die at home.

It’s as much about the burden on the NHS as anything.

Shall we also stop treating people who are sick because of risk factors they chose not to address such as drinking, weight issue, unhealthy food choices, lack of exercise? Well after all if they'd listen to the advice about quitting smoking/drinking, eating 5 a day and exercising, they wouldn't be ill. It's actually a much easier causal link than with the vaccine.
murbblurb · 24/03/2021 18:55

Seen the news tonight? Long covid? I would be begging for the vaccine rather than that.

LucilleTheVampireBat · 24/03/2021 18:55

Well, this is an eye opening thread. Forced medical procedures for all or else you're deemed one of the selfish. Some of you really need to turn off Loose Women and get a job.

I honestly wonder what you are going to do with yourselves when this is over. Pathetic.

ThereOnceWasANote · 24/03/2021 18:56

She could live for another 20 years....and OP is not going to see her nan? For 20 years possibly?

Or how about reviewing things as the situation changes? How about recognising it may be too risky now, but in a few months it might not be. No drama, just basic common sense.

Tillytwilight · 24/03/2021 18:57

She’s being selfish. What if she a) passes the virus to your unvaccinated DC? Or b) blocks a bed in the hospital? I wouldn’t see her