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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nan won't have vaccine

295 replies

PurpleYo · 23/03/2021 09:57

But expects everyone to still be happy to meet with her once restrictions lift.

What would you do?

She says if it's her time it's her time, she's not bothered. Which is her choice of course but I obviously wouldn't feel that way about potentially having killed my Nan if I were the one to pass anything on!

She is 80. I am in my late 20s with young children in primary so still going to be a bit of a risk factor for a while.

OP posts:
buffyp · 23/03/2021 11:14

@underneaththeash

I wouldn't meet her either.

She's being ridiculous and selfish.

No, people like you who think you can dictate your choices onto the elderly are selfish. News flash, if it’s yourself your worried for, why don’t you lock yourself up in cottonwool because there will always be a risk of something happening that might harm you. A grown woman in full control of her faculties is quite entitled to make her own decision about her health without being labelled selfish.
buffyp · 23/03/2021 11:15

Purple, it’s not about you it’s about her. Now who’s being selfish.

IrmaFayLear · 23/03/2021 11:17

Heavens above, this thread has some of the most self-centred, nasty and downright hateful posters I have ever seen.

Lying to “friends” about having the vaccine, paying for a false vaccination certificate, and lurking to see how the vaccine works out before having it yourself.

All this trumpeting about “choice” and “mental health”. To lie about having a vaccine is not principled, it’s very, very cowardly and shameful.

FourOnTheHill · 23/03/2021 11:17

I can’t believe how judgemental people are about other people’s decisions. How on earth is it fine to be pro choice about abortion and consent re all other forms of bodily autonomy but people who choose to refuse the covid vaccine must be despised and insulted? For me bodily autonomy includes the right for other people to make their own choices about medical matters. It’s none of my business. Vaccines are important overall but they don’t guarantee safety at a personal level and plenty of people are happy to have them which will bring covid rates down. Let’s keep some perspective and respect people’s choices.

buffyp · 23/03/2021 11:18

@HollowTalk

Well, would she be happy about passing it on to someone else? She sounds utterly selfish.
No she sounds like a independent, strong woman who is quite able to make her own decisions. Oh and we are all selfish in some way unless you are trying to say you are a Saint. It’s equally selfish to dismiss mental health concerns over the effects of lockdown but that sure as hell hasn’t stopped people on here from doing just that.
TitusPullo · 23/03/2021 11:21

Interesting those posters championing bodily autonomy are not passing that same respect across to posters who have made their own decision to not want to socialise with people who haven’t had the vaccine. Why does a person’s choice to not have the vaccine trump a person’s right to choose not to socialise with them? Funny how these rights only go one way and aren’t attached to a consequence.

Mmn654123 · 23/03/2021 11:23

If someone that elderly would prefer to let 'their' vaccine dose go to someone else globally, I think we should respect that decision. The majority of older people will be vaccinated, so the NHS will cope - but likely you would find she might be willing to have it when the majority of adults globally have been vaccinated, not just the majority in wealthy countries. Some older people consider it a matter of principle that younger people globally who are vulnerable to COVID should be vaccinated ahead of them. It's a valid choice.

Mmn654123 · 23/03/2021 11:24

ps But choices of course have consequences so she may well find she sees less of others as a result. Also a valid choice by others ;-)

Sittingonabench · 23/03/2021 11:25

It’s completely your decision but I do agree with her perspective, you have to die of something and you can’t live in complete isolation forever. You could just as easily pass on a cold which leads to something more deadly but that wouldn’t be your fault (or hers). Even with a vaccine it just makes it less likely that she will die of this specific disease. If she is aware of the risks and accepts them then that’s her choice. It’s your choice whether to see her but at her age I do think you would regret not being part of her life as it will be you and your dc missing out.

jellybellybanana · 23/03/2021 11:26

Count me in that tooI'm even looking into ways of getting it on record I've had it for possible work or travel issuesI'm willing to pay up too

You're looking for ways to lie on official systems so that you can fraudulently work or travel and risk as many people as possible?
You're a disgusting excuse for a human being.

jellybellybanana · 23/03/2021 11:27

I can’t believe how judgemental people are about other people’s decisions. How on earth is it fine to be pro choice about abortion and consent re all other forms of bodily autonomy but people who choose to refuse the covid vaccine must be despised and insulted?

Since when could me having an abortion kill you, you daft mare?

Nesski · 23/03/2021 11:27

OP, you wouldn't know if it were any of you passing it onto her, she will go abouts her merry way post lockdown so she would catch it from anybody. If you're not worried about catching it from her, then absolutely go see her.

StellaKowalski · 23/03/2021 11:27

@GrumpyHoonMain

One of my relatives was like this, so I used DS as a bribe to make her get it done. Basically said if she got the vaccine then provided we did too we’ll bring DS to see her (she hasn’t seen him since he was born as he’s a lockdown baby).
Gross. What manipulative person you are.
titchy · 23/03/2021 11:32

Funnily enough, her choice about it being her time if it's her time wouldn't be much comfort to me personally.

So she should make decisions around her health based on how you feel rather than how she feels?

icdtap · 23/03/2021 11:32

Her body. Her choice.

Tinydinosaur · 23/03/2021 11:34

[quote TitusPullo]@Dontyouwantme - she won’t die alone. She would die in a hospital bed, surrounded by staff doing their utmost to help her. Nearly entirely avoidable if she got a vaccine.[/quote]
Does the vaccine prevent death? She's 80. She's going to die. We are all going to die. But its fair to assume that she will die sooner than the most of us. It's not cruel, it's life and its death.
Personally, I would struggle to live with the guilt of not visiting my nana, more than the slight chance that I'll give her covid without having symptoms. She will most likely resume shopping and whatever else she does, visit friends and other family, if she catches covid there's little knowing where it came from. But I would hate for my nana to die, and I had chosen not to see her when I had the chance.

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 23/03/2021 11:36

Her choice, and your choice not to visit if you feel unhappy doing so because you would not want to pass on Covid 19 to her. Just let her know.

campion · 23/03/2021 11:37

@TitusPullo

Interesting those posters championing bodily autonomy are not passing that same respect across to posters who have made their own decision to not want to socialise with people who haven’t had the vaccine. Why does a person’s choice to not have the vaccine trump a person’s right to choose not to socialise with them? Funny how these rights only go one way and aren’t attached to a consequence.
Seeing the other person's point of view?How quaint Wink

I agree with you.

Original poster
PurpleYo · 23/03/2021 11:39

@titchy

Funnily enough, her choice about it being her time if it's her time wouldn't be much comfort to me personally.

So she should make decisions around her health based on how you feel rather than how she feels?

No, I haven't said that. I haven't said she's selfish or insulted her in any way whatsoever, I haven't said I would use DC to bribe her into anything like PPs. I understand other posters can look at it from the outside in, but this is my Nan, I love her to pieces and the thought of me passing something to her does scare me.

It's entirely her choice to not have the vaccine, I've not suggested otherwise and I don't expect her to change her views to fit around mine. But the above point still stands surely? If I did pass something onto her, it would still devastate me whether she was happy to go or not. That's just fact, not me trying to manipulate her choices.

Would you not be worried about seeing your much loved unvaccinated elderly Nan? Especially with young children. I'm just scared is all.

Other posters have called her selfish, I haven't. I'm just someone who's scared for my Nan.

OP posts:
MariaFidelis · 23/03/2021 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Quillark · 23/03/2021 11:44

Have I misunderstood the vaccine? I thought it didn't stop you getting covid or passing it on it just minimised the risk of hospitalisation? Or is that old news and it's changed now?

Original poster
PurpleYo · 23/03/2021 11:44

We've spent over a year being told how vulnerable people like my Nan are, how they need to shield, not see them to protect them etc etc... so yes it scares me that soon I'm supposed to just forget all that and get on with it like normal, with her still unvaccinated and at risk.

Maybe it's an illogical fear, as others have pointed out there are other things going round too every year.

OP posts:
PandaFluff · 23/03/2021 11:45

It's not a very pleasant way to die and I wouldn't be comfortable visiting knowing she hadn't been vaccinated. Maybe you could suggest talking to her through a window?

Dontyouwantme · 23/03/2021 11:47

Cases are so low and deaths are so low at the moment and it’ll only keep shrinking. Did you have that same fear with the flu and other respiratory illnesses?

TheKeatingFive · 23/03/2021 11:50

It's not a very pleasant way to die

Most deaths aren’t pleasant, in fairness