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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:
newchiswickmum · 22/03/2021 17:09

@Flowers24

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

The fact that you're going on another holiday too without the gf means that your daughter is being unreasonable. I think she will be fine once you are on holiday with the girlfriend and you can still schedule family time during the holiday because I'm sure the girlfriend and your son won't always be hanging around with you all. Good luck and hope your holiday goes well!Grin
Cadent · 22/03/2021 17:10

YANBU. I assume DS and GF aren't mean to DD?

Tell DD she can dictate who comes on holidays when she's paying for them.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:11

No not at all, quite the opposite always want to involve her, chat to her etc

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 22/03/2021 17:11

well obviously your DD is being unfair unless she's paying for the holiday! You don;t say how old she is but if she's over 16 suggest she stays at home then!

ghostyslovesheets · 22/03/2021 17:12

ah I missed her age - yep she can stay home and house sit - she'll be 17 by then?

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:13

So i am not a horrible unreasonable parent to dd???

OP posts:
AntigoneLost · 22/03/2021 17:17

Would DD have to share a room with GF at all? Bit unfair forcing her to share with someone she hasn’t chosen (particularly if she’s sharing with brother and GF - I wouldn’t want to share with a couple) but if that’s not the case then YANBU.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:18

No she will have her own room, only share with a friend if she chooses to bring a friend

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 17:20

the dynamic is very different when someone else comes on a family holiday, so I understand why she perhaps prefers that someone else doesn't come. It's the constant awareness of someone who isn't family is there in conversations. She maybe feels she can't properly relax, because the girlfriend is there all the time. Maybe she feels she won't spend any one on one time with her brother because the girlfriend will be there. Have you asked her?

I know you have another sun sand and beach holiday booked. She's 16 and maybe sees this as the last year for 'family' holidays as a unit of 4, sit down and have a chat with her, just you and she OP ?

could be many reasons for this, I would't right it off as spiteful.

good luck resolving it OP, I'm sure it'll be sorted soon. 🌺

Precipice · 22/03/2021 17:21

You say your DD is 16, but how old is your DS? How long is "been together a while"?

DD shouldn't be "not talking" to you over this, but it's not unreasonable for her to be unhappy about this announcement. But even if DD and the girlfriend get on, it's not unreasonable that she just wants family time and if the girlfriend's been staying with you during lockdown, that she's sick of having her around all the time even if they do get on.

It's good that you're having another holiday without the gf and with this in mind, I think it's okay that the gf can go for the shorter break. But the fact that you say it's been "a while" that they've been together and not years and years makes it seem to me like it's too early for her to come along on family trips.

katy1213 · 22/03/2021 17:22

I'm with your daughter - she wants a family holiday, and maybe she's had enough of the girlfriend during lockdown. It's not clear whether 'staying with' means the odd weekend or living with you - but if the latter, then she'll have really had enough.If your son is old enough to have holidays with a girlfriend, then he's old enough to arrange them himself. This really changes the dynamic from your daughter's point of view.

bridgetreilly · 22/03/2021 17:24

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, but I do think YWBU to make this decision without talking to both your children about it.

ChronicallyCurious · 22/03/2021 17:24

How old is DS and his GF? How long is a while?

Doona · 22/03/2021 17:25

I would have hated this when I was young. My brother's gfs were all annoying. It's okay for a few hours but four days straight god no.

I think you should have talked it over with her before saying yes, that's only polite!

ghostyslovesheets · 22/03/2021 17:25

yeah but she has a family holiday later in the year with just mum and dad - this is a 4 night city break - not quiet the same - but she doesn;t have to go if she doesn't like it

Itwasntme101 · 22/03/2021 17:26

I'm assuming her brother is at least a couple of years older than her. Has he moved out? Is he going on the other holiday? She might just be struggling with him not being around so much and wanted to spend time together, she's not necessarily being selfish.

KitchenFairy · 22/03/2021 17:28

I’m with your DD, sorry.

The girlfriend has moved in with you for lockdown and now you want her to come along on a family holiday. Your DD hasn’t had a say in this, I get why people thing well she doesn’t pay rent and she’s not paying for the holiday so she shouldn’t get a say in it, but I’m with her.

I’d want a break from this person who your DD has had foisted into her life whether she likes it or not if I were her too!

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:29

He is older and not moved out. We did chat about it , havent just announced it, yes just us and dd on other holiday, not ds, she wanted to still go with us next year so we moved it, note she will be 18 by then.

I get the family time thing totally as 4 , but thought that things change a bit when a gf is around thats all, maybe i am in the wrong

OP posts:
PandaFluff · 22/03/2021 17:32

Sounds like DD might want a break from GF. But as you are going on two holidays I'd give DD the choice of coming or staying home.

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 17:33

@Flowers24

He is older and not moved out. We did chat about it , havent just announced it, yes just us and dd on other holiday, not ds, she wanted to still go with us next year so we moved it, note she will be 18 by then.

I get the family time thing totally as 4 , but thought that things change a bit when a gf is around thats all, maybe i am in the wrong

I don't think you're necessarily wrong OP, but maybe sitting down and talking to DD to find out what her reasons are, she needs to give a reason and you can take to from there.

You can't read her mind so she needs to be honest. 🌺

PandaFluff · 22/03/2021 17:33

Though that might feel a bit to her like you've replaced her with GF if she doesn't go.

pickingdaisies · 22/03/2021 17:34

It was reasonable to assume she'd be okay with it, but you should have checked with her. Maybe she thinks she'll feel like a fifth wheel.

Holly60 · 22/03/2021 17:34

I think you need to have a proper chat to her and acknowledge that it can be hard to accept that things move on, and that as she and DS get older, family holidays are invariably going to include partners etc.

You could point out that at some point she is probably going to want to bring a partner and that will be lovely. Also you are setting a precedent here - either partners are welcome or they arent, and if they aren’t DS may well choose not to come on holiday with you guys at all.

Family dynamics change over time and it is important to recognise and accommodate this. She may be worried about being left out so chat to her about it and point out the benefits of another female in the clan!

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2021 17:36

Does dd have someone shed like to bring and who is likely to accept and pay?
Or is dd going to end up the gooseberry on a couples holiday?

Superstardjs · 22/03/2021 17:38

Agree with daisies - she will be playing gooseberry to two couples effectively. I know she is going on a different holiday, but the gf changes the tone of this one. If you ask her if she'd rather not go it's a bit close to intimating she should stay home, but I think I'd give her the option to pull out.