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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 20:41

I honestly can't believe what I'm reading.

DD can get stuffed and being who you like cause you're paying.

In what world?!

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 20:42

@SeaShoreGalore

God I hate this attitude that kids don’t get a say in things because they’re not paying. Of course they’re not paying - they’re kids!!! Doesn’t mean they should have to put up with a cuckoo in the nest!
Exactly.

Plus, the DS isn't paying for his space either - his parents are funding it. So why does he get more say - because he's eighteen?

If he's grown up enough to holiday with his girlfriend, I'd argue he's old enough to pay for his own spot.

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 20:42

And also he's an adult, he might not have enough vacation or money to go away twice. If my younger sibling excluded my partner I'd rather use up my holiday to go with partner than with selfish sibling.

She gets two holidays anyway as OP said. She's about to enter the real world and that kind of entitlement won't get her very far in life.

wowzer 😳

and you're calling the 16 year old selfish 🤔

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 20:42

@abeanbaked

And I do stand by the fact that by telling the gf she can no longer come because DD doesn't want her there, it's going to cause more problems between both mum, dad, son and daughter and DS probably won't go either.
That is on OP.
RitaFires · 22/03/2021 20:43

Did you check in with DD about the GF staying with you for lockdown? It's possible by trying to be welcoming and accommodating to your son's girlfriend you've accidentally made DD feel pushed out and unimportant. Lockdown has been stressful for everyone and regardless of how much she likes her brother's girlfriend she might have felt intruded upon by having her around all the time.
You can't uninvite the GF now that would only make everything worse but you can make more of an effort to include DD in decisions so that she doesn't feel like an afterthought in the family.

me4real · 22/03/2021 20:44

It's a long way off, she might come round to the idea.

BestZebbie · 22/03/2021 20:44

How far away is this holiday? It would be very awkward if you invited her and paid a deposit then they came out of lockdown and broke up...a year can be a long time aged 21. The lockdown may have made things artificially close and intense if living together in your home but if there is a lot of party time coming up for their age group so there is a realistic chance that one or the other of them may move on.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 20:45

@sunflowersandbuttercups

And also he's an adult, he might not have enough vacation or money to go away twice. If my younger sibling excluded my partner I'd rather use up my holiday to go with partner than with selfish sibling.

His parents are paying for his place!

He might still be paying for food and activities as I doubt he'll let his parents pay for him and leave GF to pay for herself. He might even be contributing to GF costs for the holiday.

Honestly I must just be very lucky but in my family and my partners family no one would ever think it's ok to behave like this because "they want xyz" and are possessive over family members...

Cabinfever10 · 22/03/2021 20:45

@Flowers24
I can see this from your dd point of view instead of a family holiday it's going to be to couples and her and maybe a friend, that really sucks.
This will have been a very hard time for your dd what with lockdown and exams, plus the added stress of all the missed school to make up. I'm really not surprised that she has reacted so badly and I don't think that the gf should come this time.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 20:50

[quote Cabinfever10]@Flowers24
I can see this from your dd point of view instead of a family holiday it's going to be to couples and her and maybe a friend, that really sucks.
This will have been a very hard time for your dd what with lockdown and exams, plus the added stress of all the missed school to make up. I'm really not surprised that she has reacted so badly and I don't think that the gf should come this time.[/quote]
Odds are though that DS also has had a difficult time, the world doesn't revolve around teenagers.

And with lockdown odds are that him and GF have never had a holiday together at all.

Again, what does everyone think will happen? GF gets uninvited on DD wish and the brother is happy and excited for the holiday? I doubt it

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 20:52

Honestly I must just be very lucky but in my family and my partners family no one would ever think it's ok to behave like this because "they want xyz" and are possessive over family members...

It's nothing to do with being possessive.

The holiday was booked before the girlfriend came on the scene. So why does she get to come on a pre-booked holiday for the four of them?

If DH had booked a family holiday before we met, I would never assume that I could come along as well. That's hugely arrogant thinking on DS's part, imo. She can come on the next holiday.

SofiaMichelle · 22/03/2021 20:55

Presumably the girlfriend will be left alone at OP's house if she doesn't go on holiday with them?

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 20:55

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Honestly I must just be very lucky but in my family and my partners family no one would ever think it's ok to behave like this because "they want xyz" and are possessive over family members...

It's nothing to do with being possessive.

The holiday was booked before the girlfriend came on the scene. So why does she get to come on a pre-booked holiday for the four of them?

If DH had booked a family holiday before we met, I would never assume that I could come along as well. That's hugely arrogant thinking on DS's part, imo. She can come on the next holiday.

I don't think it's arrogant to want to include your partner who lives with you on family holidays.

I think it's extremely bizzare not to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2021 20:55

@Flowers24

I'll have a good chat to her, its more that she likes hanging out with her brother and i think misses that?
How much quality time does your dd get to spend with her brother without his gf? I think perhaps the crux is she wants him to find time for her. Maybe then she’d be happier for his gf to come along.
Tash45 · 22/03/2021 20:57

I completely understand your daughter wanting a family holiday, as you have not been on one for awhile and why to invite another person? your son can do a holiday with his girlfriend alone? and soon enough they will be both doing holidays on their own and with the friends so it may the lat time you have to actually have a holiday the 4 of you.

I do not agree with her not talking to you though, she could express better her reasons for wanting a holiday the 4 of you instead of not talking to you.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 20:58

I don't think it's arrogant to want to include your partner who lives with you on family holidays.

Of course it's arrogant when the holiday was booked before they even got together!

In what world is it acceptable to invite your new girlfriend on a pre-booked and paid for family holiday?

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 20:59

It's arrogant to have your partner at the expense of your sister.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 20:59

@SofiaMichelle

Presumably the girlfriend will be left alone at OP's house if she doesn't go on holiday with them?
Or she can go back to her own parents' home? She only lives with them because of lockdown.
abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 20:59

@sunflowersandbuttercups I doubt either DS or gf will want to go on the next holiday if she gets ousted from this one by the stroppy teenager.

I had a similar dynamic when I was a teenager, I'm the youngest of three. My brother would have told me where to go if my mum told his gf she couldn't come with us, not that she would have done that for me anyway. I wouldn't have expected my parents to disallow the gf, though. How is DD? Is she quite independent or does she get a lot of pandering to?

iseeu · 22/03/2021 21:00

@Flowers24

Ok,, just deciding whether to tell the gf she cannot come, or whether to let her, or wait till the end of the year as a lot may change over the year.

Thanks for the viewpoints

I think you just need to do a lot of talking with your dd, say that if you had known her feelings you would have taken them into consideration but that you have now already invited gf, and that you aren't sure you can change things, but that she might not want to come in the end as she might not want to pay for tickets, and then talk to her more about her feelings, about her being really disappointed etc so that you are validating her feelings.
Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 21:00

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I don't think it's arrogant to want to include your partner who lives with you on family holidays.

Of course it's arrogant when the holiday was booked before they even got together!

In what world is it acceptable to invite your new girlfriend on a pre-booked and paid for family holiday?

Any normal world I guess?

Things change, circumstances change, family dynamics change. Plans change. Again, not preparing the DD for the real world at all if she will think she can go in a huff and everything will be as she wanted it to be.

The GF will stay alone in OP home where she lives? That's normal to you?

BehindMyEyes · 22/03/2021 21:00

@Flowers24

He is older and not moved out. We did chat about it , havent just announced it, yes just us and dd on other holiday, not ds, she wanted to still go with us next year so we moved it, note she will be 18 by then.

I get the family time thing totally as 4 , but thought that things change a bit when a gf is around thats all, maybe i am in the wrong

Maybe she feels like she is missing that final "family holiday " together that people often talk about before kids do go their own way ?
Tistheseason17 · 22/03/2021 21:01

The 2nd "family" holiday does not include DS so it's not really a family holiday for your DD is it? Perhaps she just wants the last family holiday - I don't blame her. Your DS and his GF will have lots of future holidays with you if she's the one. Your DD won't.

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 21:01

@RootyT00t

It's arrogant to have your partner at the expense of your sister.
Really? It's not like she's 4 and instead of going to CBeebies land they are now going to ayia napa. Yes she is a child, but she's an older one and she really needs to be taught that the world doesn't revolve around her.
RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 21:05

Eh, if they can go on hol, gf can go home.