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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:
emptyraspberry · 22/03/2021 18:44

My sympathies lie with your dd on this one, I'm afraid. She probably wants this last 'family' holiday together with just the four of you, as she is aware that she and her db are growing up and are likely to make their own arrangements from now on.
She will also be aware that she is going to be the odd one out among two couples, which is never much fun for anyone.

Dontbeme · 22/03/2021 18:48

@SeasonFinale

Tell DD to stop behaving like a little princess and let DS bring his gf if he wants too.
Very harsh, her dm ddad and dbro have all put brother's sex life before DD by moving in the girlfriend for lockdown and now bringing her on the family holiday. I was the teenager that had to tolerate her brother pawing his gf in our home, it was a ballache trying to avoid them, if asked they would have told you we all got on really well too, nobody ever asked me how I felt about our home being taken over by two 20 something's in heat with no discretion.
UserTwice · 22/03/2021 18:50

This is a bit awkward because it was meant to be last year's holiday and now will be next year's. And 2 years is a huge amount in the life of a teen. We booked last year's holidays thinking they would be the last we'd have as a family of 4; now we are wondering if it's worth moving them to next year, as it's unlikely that both teens will want to come and/or will want to bring friends/boyfriends/girlfriends which will change the whole premise of the holiday. So I get where your DD is coming form - the actual holiday is going to be different from how the original holiday was planned.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 18:50

Ok,, just deciding whether to tell the gf she cannot come, or whether to let her, or wait till the end of the year as a lot may change over the year.

Thanks for the viewpoints

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 18:51

@Flowers24 did you have a sibling with you?

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 18:51

@Flowers24

Ok,, just deciding whether to tell the gf she cannot come, or whether to let her, or wait till the end of the year as a lot may change over the year.

Thanks for the viewpoints

It's a bit late for some of these options. Damage limitation. Talk to DD and DS and ask if he'd be up for one last holiday with his sister.
halcyondays · 22/03/2021 18:52

The dd may not think of her as part of the family, just as her brother’s girlfriend. It completely changes the dynamic and isn’t as relaxing. In the same way as people may get on fine with their in-laws but not really want to spend an entire holiday with them.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 18:52

Interesting point.

Mind all them AIBu when MIL is tagging along for the whole hol?

Hankunamatata · 22/03/2021 18:54

I was going to say that it sounds like she misses her brother as gf is always there

diamondpony80 · 22/03/2021 18:54

I'm with DD. Nobody in our family ever brought along girlfriends/boyfriends on family holidays until we had moved away and/or got married. A family holiday is a chance to catch up and relax with family - at least until they leave home. She probably just wants to spend some time with her brother rather than spending all her time with parents (he'll probably spend most of his time with the GF). At their age they don't have a huge amount of time left for family holidays because soon enough they'll be off doing their own thing.

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 18:56

good luck OP 🦋

titchy · 22/03/2021 18:58

Given that you have a main family beach holiday lined up and this is just a short break I'd say your dd is being unreasonable.

If this was your only holiday I may think otherwise, but it's not.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 18:58

@Flowers24

Ok,, just deciding whether to tell the gf she cannot come, or whether to let her, or wait till the end of the year as a lot may change over the year.

Thanks for the viewpoints

I think it's a bit late now you've already invited her.
CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 22/03/2021 18:58

I'm with DD on this one but agree it is not easy whichever option you choose.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 19:00

@emptyraspberry

My sympathies lie with your dd on this one, I'm afraid. She probably wants this last 'family' holiday together with just the four of you, as she is aware that she and her db are growing up and are likely to make their own arrangements from now on. She will also be aware that she is going to be the odd one out among two couples, which is never much fun for anyone.
That's quite a selfish approach though. It's all me me me for the DD. She wants to control how not only her but an entire group of people spend their holiday by excluding the GF.

It's childish behaviour and not something I'd expect from an older teen to be honest. She has all the time in the world to have a relationship with her brother and her strong bond with him doesn't have to be based on excluding someone important in his life.

Cocomarine · 22/03/2021 19:00

Whilst I do think ultimately parents pay, parents say, I do have a lot of sympathy for her.

Even if she likes the girlfriend, she might not like her as much as you think she does! It might change the trip for her from being totally relaxing with family that you can be yourself around, to be being just slightly on “good behaviour”.

I agree with a PP that you do effectively make it a gooseberry with two couples, not a family.

BabyBee93 · 22/03/2021 19:03

Good luck uninviting the girlfriend. You need to tell her, to her face (not through your son), that she is not coming on your family holiday because your DD doesn't want her there. How do you think your son will feel?

For your DD to not be talking to you is stroppy and childish. She might still be young and miss her big brother, but at 20 your son is hardly a child and it's perfectly normal to bring his girlfriend along

I understand how she feels, but she cannot dictate your family holidays. It's a shame that you, as the adult and bill-payer, made the decision to invite the GF and you now have to uninvite her because of the fuss your child DD has made

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 19:04

OP, if it was the other way round and your DD had a boyfriend who wanted to come but your DS was single, do you think DD would tell her boyfriend not to come because she wants to spend time with her brother?

Ganasha · 22/03/2021 19:07

I’m on your DDs side. There’s more going on here. She’s obviously feeling left out in some way. It’s actually refreshing to hear she wants one on one time with her brother. That’s pretty rare. I’d talk further and explore why she’s so keen on that.

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 19:09

@Sunflowers095

OP, if it was the other way round and your DD had a boyfriend who wanted to come but your DS was single, do you think DD would tell her boyfriend not to come because she wants to spend time with her brother?

switching gender doesn't change the problem OP has though Confused

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 22/03/2021 19:10

"RootyT00t

LifesNotEnidBlyton

RootyT00t "DD should not be staying at home to accommodate the girlfriend.
If DD doesn't want the gf to go, the gf doesn't go."

Totally disagree. The DD doesn't get to pick who goes on a holiday her mum and dad are paying for. Shes going to be what, 17 or 18 when the holiday happens? She doesn't have to stay at home to accommodate the girlfriend she can go with them or she can stay at home it's up to her but a teenager, more so one who is about to become an adult, doesn't get to say who goes on all the holidays her mum and dad pay for when she is going on one just the mum and dad and this is second holiday that isn't just for family where she can bring a friend.

Eh? DD isn their child.

Of course she gets to decide!

Given the second holiday, her brother won't be there.

DD wants a holiday with her brother, not one with the gf and one without him. OP is being massively unfair and choosing the gf over her. Why?

It doesn't matter who's paying for it. That's a ridiculous notion. It matters about her feelings."

Saying who pays isnt important when talking about someone of 17 18 is absurd.... She will be 18 or about to turn 18 and her mum and dad who are paying are both ok with it and so is the brother. The family vote is 3/1 that the girfriend (of what 2 or 3 years or more by then?) can go. The DD might want her DB to do a family holiday but he doesn't want to or he'd have not asked for his girlfriend to go and would be going on the second holiday as a family so yes it might be hard for the DD but her brother is an adult and she can't make him come on his own, and she shouldn't at her age make the poor OP feel so guilty the GF is uninvited just to make her brother spend time with her.

SushiYum · 22/03/2021 19:10

YABU. I agree with your DD.

She misses her DB. She misses doing things as a family now that the girlfriend has moved in. It must be suffocating for her. A stranger in her home, a place she’s been locked in for a year. She wants a holiday break where she can relax and be herself and have fun with her family.

How long has your DS been with his gf?

KitchenFairy · 22/03/2021 19:12

It may simply be that your DD doesn't like the girlfriend as much as you think she does, but it doesn't sound like you've even tried to chat to her about it to find out.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 19:14

@Ganasha

I’m on your DDs side. There’s more going on here. She’s obviously feeling left out in some way. It’s actually refreshing to hear she wants one on one time with her brother. That’s pretty rare. I’d talk further and explore why she’s so keen on that.
But that's going to set the tone between DD and GF relationship. Lets imagine they stay together and get married, how will DD feel when she's not a bridesmaid because GF only wants her close friends? How will DD feel when GF doesn't make an effort?

In no situation in the world as an adult do you get to exclude people on behalf of everyone else because of your personal wants. It's not nice behaviour from someone who's going to be in their 20's soon. It's always nice to be included and include people.

BabyBee93 · 22/03/2021 19:14

switching gender doesn't change the problem OP has though

Grin

I think the comment meant: if the daughter had a boyfriend, would she personally be willing to uninvite him because her sibling said so?