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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 17:39

@GabriellaMontez

Does dd have someone shed like to bring and who is likely to accept and pay? Or is dd going to end up the gooseberry on a couples holiday?

OP invited DD to bring a friend, which DD decided not too. Which makes me think that this is more to do with the family unit for the last time type scenario. 🌺

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:40

I'll have a good chat to her, its more that she likes hanging out with her brother and i think misses that?

OP posts:
Itwasntme101 · 22/03/2021 17:41

I don't think you're in the wrong OP, things change, just a chat along the lines of what Holly has said.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 17:47

No sorry I'm with DD. She might get on with her but it's a bit bloody unfair on her.

Clymene · 22/03/2021 17:47

Why haven't you said how old your DS is?

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 22/03/2021 17:58

I would have put YABU but you are going on another holiday with DD so YANBU. She can bring a friend and she gets a family holiday so you're being really fair. Unless there is some drip feed where your daughter is likely to find sharing a holiday with someone else hard because of something most people wouldn't think of then you're paying and YANBU to take who you want. She doesn't have to go with you if she doesn't want to.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 18:00

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

I would have put YABU but you are going on another holiday with DD so YANBU. She can bring a friend and she gets a family holiday so you're being really fair. Unless there is some drip feed where your daughter is likely to find sharing a holiday with someone else hard because of something most people wouldn't think of then you're paying and YANBU to take who you want. She doesn't have to go with you if she doesn't want to.
DD should not be staying at home to accommodate the girlfriend. If DD doesn't want the gf to go, the gf doesn't go.
GertiMJN · 22/03/2021 18:08

I can see where dd might be coming from.
And I think it's lovely she wants to hang out with her db on a family break.
Having the gf move in during lockdown is quite a lot to deal with however well they get on. Having a 4 night break just the 4 is perhaps what she needs?

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 18:12

Your DD is being unreasonable. It's a family holiday and a serious GF should be treated like family.

She's not paying for the holiday herself so it's not like she can decide who gets to go and who doesn't, it feels quite mean spirited towards the brother and GF.

Maybe she's feeling jealous if she's not in a relationship? Either way it's not a very nice approach. My partners family said since it's the last family holiday they'll have probably I definitely should come, because they don't treat me like some kind of outsider.

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 18:14

@Flowers24

I'll have a good chat to her, its more that she likes hanging out with her brother and i think misses that?

that's a shame OP, I do hope you reach a solution 🌺

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 18:17

@Sunflowers095

Your DD is being unreasonable. It's a family holiday and a serious GF should be treated like family.

She's not paying for the holiday herself so it's not like she can decide who gets to go and who doesn't, it feels quite mean spirited towards the brother and GF.

Maybe she's feeling jealous if she's not in a relationship? Either way it's not a very nice approach. My partners family said since it's the last family holiday they'll have probably I definitely should come, because they don't treat me like some kind of outsider.

Yes she is part of the family almost and feels weird to say not you cant come , its a tricky one and i can see all sides tbh. We are going to re evaluate later in the year as wont be booking flights till then.
OP posts:
TalesTheCat · 22/03/2021 18:20

If you uninvite the gf is ds likely to say he won't come either. Will it cause resentment from ds or his gf towards dd?

01Username · 22/03/2021 18:23

Not sure of the age of your son but I have been in the girlfriend in this situation, never included in holidays / family events because my boyfriend’s sister wanted it to just be family. It’s really damaged my relationship with them as I’ve always been made to feel unwelcome by his sister. We are now engaged and she has totally changed her time now as she’s desperate to be bridesmaid....

HollowTalk · 22/03/2021 18:26

It sounds as though she really misses having her brother to herself. They spent all their childhood together - she obviously feels very close to him and thinks she'd enjoy herself more if his girlfriend isn't there - she'd get more attention from him and knocking around with him is very different from knocking around with the two of them.

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 18:28

@01Username

Not sure of the age of your son but I have been in the girlfriend in this situation, never included in holidays / family events because my boyfriend’s sister wanted it to just be family. It’s really damaged my relationship with them as I’ve always been made to feel unwelcome by his sister. We are now engaged and she has totally changed her time now as she’s desperate to be bridesmaid....

perhaps now you are engaged and getting married she knows you'll be around and will be family. 🌺

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 18:29

@01Username

Not sure of the age of your son but I have been in the girlfriend in this situation, never included in holidays / family events because my boyfriend’s sister wanted it to just be family. It’s really damaged my relationship with them as I’ve always been made to feel unwelcome by his sister. We are now engaged and she has totally changed her time now as she’s desperate to be bridesmaid....
That's so sad xxx He is 20 this year so 21 when we go.
OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 18:33

I don't think you should bring the girlfriend.

Maybe DD doesn't have a friend who can afford to pay for a holiday?

Notavegan · 22/03/2021 18:39

I think she will need to accept that her brother is an adult now. As adults it's usual to include your partner. Although saying this, I didn't go on holiday with my parents abroad at that age... wasn't invited.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 22/03/2021 18:40

RootyT00t "DD should not be staying at home to accommodate the girlfriend.
If DD doesn't want the gf to go, the gf doesn't go."

Totally disagree. The DD doesn't get to pick who goes on a holiday her mum and dad are paying for. Shes going to be what, 17 or 18 when the holiday happens? She doesn't have to stay at home to accommodate the girlfriend she can go with them or she can stay at home it's up to her but a teenager, more so one who is about to become an adult, doesn't get to say who goes on all the holidays her mum and dad pay for when she is going on one just the mum and dad and this is second holiday that isn't just for family where she can bring a friend.

SeasonFinale · 22/03/2021 18:41

Tell DD to stop behaving like a little princess and let DS bring his gf if he wants too.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 18:42

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

RootyT00t "DD should not be staying at home to accommodate the girlfriend. If DD doesn't want the gf to go, the gf doesn't go."

Totally disagree. The DD doesn't get to pick who goes on a holiday her mum and dad are paying for. Shes going to be what, 17 or 18 when the holiday happens? She doesn't have to stay at home to accommodate the girlfriend she can go with them or she can stay at home it's up to her but a teenager, more so one who is about to become an adult, doesn't get to say who goes on all the holidays her mum and dad pay for when she is going on one just the mum and dad and this is second holiday that isn't just for family where she can bring a friend.

Eh? DD isn their child.

Of course she gets to decide!

Given the second holiday, her brother won't be there.

DD wants a holiday with her brother, not one with the gf and one without him. OP is being massively unfair and choosing the gf over her. Why?

It doesn't matter who's paying for it. That's a ridiculous notion. It matters about her feelings.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 18:42

It's not normal for girlfriends to go on holiday with family. Serious long term partners maybe, but given Ds is 20 I'm assuming he isn't.

Rainbowdino · 22/03/2021 18:43

I think it’s lovely you are having family holidays with your DS and DD! Definitely not being unreasonable inviting the GF.
DD will get over it.

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 18:43

@SeasonFinale

Tell DD to stop behaving like a little princess and let DS bring his gf if he wants too.

harsh 😳

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 18:44

@RootyT00t

It's not normal for girlfriends to go on holiday with family. Serious long term partners maybe, but given Ds is 20 I'm assuming he isn't.
My dh came with us and my parents when we had been together a year, we were 20 and 21 at that stage.
OP posts: