Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

[Flowers24]

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

Laughing as any only child with 2 parents must be a gooseberry every single day then, sorry.!!

I did actually say to ds about it and he said maybe he and gf will save to go on their own then as he thought she was part of the family, so now what? Btw she has stayed with us a few months, not a year and ds and gf are going to split their time at both houses come may/ june when restrictions lift.

Dd said she is not bothered about spending time with her brother just doesnt want anyone else joining our family as makes her feel uncomfortable.

I think this has run its course so want to thank you all for the very mixed replies and advicex

@Lentillover1900 I’m with you. If I were the brother and I was in that position I’d probably just not go at all.

My boyfriend and I at 20 were madly in love.

I read this as 'my brother and I at 20 were madly in love' at first glance

What's the compromise?

@RootyT00t the compromise is that dd has already negotiated a second holiday where she gets exactly what she wants - a holiday without her brother and just her parents.

Expecting everything your own way is entitled, unhealthy and frankly unreasonable

@Flowers24

Laughing as any only child with 2 parents must be a gooseberry every single day then, sorry.!!

I did actually say to ds about it and he said maybe he and gf will save to go on their own then as he thought she was part of the family, so now what? Btw she has stayed with us a few months, not a year and ds and gf are going to split their time at both houses come may/ june when restrictions lift.

Dd said she is not bothered about spending time with her brother just doesnt want anyone else joining our family as makes her feel uncomfortable.

I think this has run its course so want to thank you all for the very mixed replies and advicex

So she's been feeling uncomfortable in her own hone ever since the gf moved in. Poor kid.

No, this isn't it at all , she said she'd be uncomfortable with someone else on the holiday.,. what can i.do? Gf is staying temporarily not moved in !

DD sounds like she hasn't got any friends and is embarrassed

I see her point of view a bit but do think she is being a little unreasonable but what 16 year old isn’t. She just wants her normal family holiday and I can see a holiday with a gf can upset the equilibrium/family dynamics a little, just sit down and talk to her. Just be thankful that family holidays are so important to your kids. I know lots of families where the kids would hate to go on holidays with their parents, thankfully not ours but we don’t have bfs or gfs in tow yet.

Dd said she is not bothered about spending time with her brother just doesnt want anyone else joining our family as makes her feel uncomfortable.

I feel for her too OP, I totally get what she means. Anyway glad now know how she feels about it all. 🌺

Dd said she is not bothered about spending time with her brother just doesnt want anyone else joining our family as makes her feel uncomfortable.

This makes me feel really bad for her.

Why did you move the girlfriend in over lockdown? Did DD get any say in this new person coming to live in her home for months on end? Could DS not have gone to her house instead?

Thank you but she has lots of friends, not going to take this discussion any further as I dont want to keep answering the same questions, again thank you all

@ChristmasAlone

DD sounds like she hasn't got any friends and is embarrassed

🙄

As predicted you have now upset your DS and made his gf feel unwelcome and if they end up together in a long term relationship she will always the time when the family did not want her to go on a family holiday. If she becomes family at some point don't expect you to be invited to their "family holidays". All because a 16 year old believes she has the right to rule the show.

@SeasonFinale

As predicted you have now upset your DS and made his gf feel unwelcome and if they end up together in a long term relationship she will always the time when the family did not want her to go on a family holiday. If she becomes family at some point don't expect you to be invited to their "family holidays". All because a 16 year old believes she has the right to rule the show.

Eh...

By inviting the girlfriend, that's letting her rule the show.

I doubt any fully functioning adult will care about a holiday her boyfriend went on without her. Jfc.

I doubt any fully functioning adult will care about a holiday her boyfriend went on without her. Jfc.

Whether the girlfriend cares or not is besides the point.

The son cares.

He actually wants to holiday with his girlfriend and would chose that over a holiday with mum, dad and little sister.

He’s and adult and there is nothing wrong with him wanting to do that.

The DD has no right to control what the DS does. None whatsoever.

@Vivi0

I doubt any fully functioning adult will care about a holiday her boyfriend went on without her. Jfc.

Whether the girlfriend cares or not is besides the point.

The son cares.

He actually wants to holiday with his girlfriend and would chose that over a holiday with mum, dad and little sister.

He’s and adult and there is nothing wrong with him wanting to do that.

The DD has no right to control what the DS does. None whatsoever.

But DS gets to control the holiday?

DS can take his girlfriend on his own holiday!

My point is, PP hand wringing about poor girlfriend who will forever be the gf who didn't get to go on the holiday are overreacting.

@RootyT00t

No she said that DS has said they won't go - that is down to the DD being a madam and deciding she wants it all her own way.

If the gf was originally invited and then uninvited believe me that will stick in her mind for a while, especially when the OP has already given some information about the support she needs. I was once the gf who was not allowed to stay over at Christmas but come round later in the day (my parents lived abroad). This was because I was not family. It was a bloody miserable Christmas morning I can tell you. Once we were married and had kids I never once accepted an invite to stay at MILs on Christmas because memories of that awful one stuck. I would decline saying Oh No I know you only want family there in the mornings. The first time she didn't say anything but then next time the penny dropped and she said but oh you are family now. Anyway, I would never leave anyone on their own at Christmas let alone one of my children's gf.

DS's gf was included and now it has been suggested she should be excluded. You are also forgetting the fact that DD is having another holiday with her parents too. If DD's intention was to have a family holiday with her DS she isn't getting that now at all.

[quote SeasonFinale]@RootyT00t

No she said that DS has said they won't go - that is down to the DD being a madam and deciding she wants it all her own way.

If the gf was originally invited and then uninvited believe me that will stick in her mind for a while, especially when the OP has already given some information about the support she needs. I was once the gf who was not allowed to stay over at Christmas but come round later in the day (my parents lived abroad). This was because I was not family. It was a bloody miserable Christmas morning I can tell you. Once we were married and had kids I never once accepted an invite to stay at MILs on Christmas because memories of that awful one stuck. I would decline saying Oh No I know you only want family there in the mornings. The first time she didn't say anything but then next time the penny dropped and she said but oh you are family now. Anyway, I would never leave anyone on their own at Christmas let alone one of my children's gf.

DS's gf was included and now it has been suggested she should be excluded. You are also forgetting the fact that DD is having another holiday with her parents too. If DD's intention was to have a family holiday with her DS she isn't getting that now at all.[/quote]
DS won't go because he can't take his bird on a feee holiday.

DD doesn't want the girlfriend to go.

Is DS more important?

Yes, to your final paragraph but that's down to OPs poor handling not DD.

Gf should never have been invited.

This discussion is done now thank you !

But DS gets to control the holiday?

An adult requesting that his partner be included in a “family” holiday is not being controlling. There is nothing strange or unusual about it.

Of course, the OP is entitled to say no, that she does not wish the partner to join them. Likewise, the DS is entitled to decline the invitation.

What has the DS done that makes you think he “gets to control the holiday”?

DS can take his girlfriend on his own holiday!

I’m pretty sure he has said he will do this.

My point is, PP hand wringing about poor girlfriend who will forever be the gf who didn't get to go on the holiday are overreacting.

I don’t think it is overreacting. This is exactly the kind of thing that damages relationships between adult children, their partners and their parents.

What the OP does sets the tone. If the partner is not welcome on the “family” holiday, the OP and her DD may very well find themselves excluded in the future.

Gf should never have been invited.

Why? The DS is also the OP’s child and I imagine she wishes to have a good relationship with both him and his partner!

@Flowers24

This discussion is done now thank you !

Wow.

Did it not go your way OP?

I've seen some arrogance on MN in my time but telling people to stop discussing it is something new. Good luck with that ,😂

@Vivi0

But DS gets to control the holiday?

An adult requesting that his partner be included in a “family” holiday is not being controlling. There is nothing strange or unusual about it.

Of course, the OP is entitled to say no, that she does not wish the partner to join them. Likewise, the DS is entitled to decline the invitation.

What has the DS done that makes you think he “gets to control the holiday”?

DS can take his girlfriend on his own holiday!

I’m pretty sure he has said he will do this.

My point is, PP hand wringing about poor girlfriend who will forever be the gf who didn't get to go on the holiday are overreacting.

I don’t think it is overreacting. This is exactly the kind of thing that damages relationships between adult children, their partners and their parents.

What the OP does sets the tone. If the partner is not welcome on the “family” holiday, the OP and her DD may very well find themselves excluded in the future.

Gf should never have been invited.

Why? The DS is also the OP’s child and I imagine she wishes to have a good relationship with both him and his partner!

His partner.

He's a young man. She's his girlfriend.

Well, he got to decide that the gf was coming, and now he isn't going. Thats controlling the holiday.

What about relationships between DD and her pwrent after she was effectively told well if you don't like it stay at home?

If OP is indeed more bothered about her young sons girlfriend than her daughter that's erm, different.

Yabu. This is a precious family holiday and I don't blame your DD. This GF might not even be around much longer. I would take the fact your DD wants to have this time just you guys, it wont last forever

I meant I have read and appreciated all the replies, i thank you but we are sitting down as a family to discuss this now, no one is deciding anything, we are all discussing

'Last family holidays' were not a thing in my home as we couldn't afford holidays full stop and I don't understand the sentimentality some posters attach to it.

Also I'm not feeling sorry for the DD because she's been through lockdown with her brother's girlfriend & has two amazing holidays to look forward to.. there are much worse things that can happen in your teens!!

Last family holidays are not a thing. As a PP said, there are far worse things happening in your teens than shock horror your brothers girlfriend coming on ONE of your holidays. I would've loved to have a push over mum that let me call the shots at 16, I'm pretty sure I was left with gran keeping an eye on me and I worked my summer holiday whilst my parents went away on their own holiday haha.