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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 19:44

@BabyBee93

switching gender doesn't change the problem OP has though

I think the comment meant: if the daughter had a boyfriend, would she personally be willing to uninvite him because her sibling said so?

Aahh okay 🤣 I did wonder lol

my bad 🌺

Hoppinggreen · 22/03/2021 19:45

My 12 year old DS worships his 16 year old sisters BF BUT he does sometimes just want his sister to himself.
Having someone else there changes the dynamics, I can see her point BUT she doesn’t get to decide unless she’s paying

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 19:47

@sunflowersandbuttercups I didn't say that, DS is an adult so will make his own choice, the DD is not an adult and shouldn't be able to decide who goes and who doesn't. I said it is likely that the DS will want the gf there, especially as she has now been invited. Family dynamics change, he is a 20 year old man, DD is at a difficult time in her life, being 16 is shit, but she does need to learn that she isn't the one in charge unfortunately.

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2021 19:48

@BarbedBloom

The thing is, I bet if you tell your DS his gf can't come he probably won't come either. In fact, it could well damage the relationship between the siblings as it certainly would of at that age if my brother had stopped my bf from coming on holiday with me. Now I am older I probably would see a little of her side but at 20, no chance.

Could this actually be what dd wants? Just her and her parents? From this I didn't think the ds was going on the later holiday Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

LH1987 · 22/03/2021 19:50

Do you get on quite well with the GF? Maybe your daughter is a bit jealous? Also that the GF will take all her brothers attention and she wants to spend time with him.

I remember when I was younger about 21 and my older sister moved back in with her boyfriend the family home. I found it difficult. I liked the boyfriend and got on with him but the dynamic at home had changed.I felt I was in someone else’s house and kind of a bit awkward if they were in the kitchen etc as i didn’t want to interrupt.

That being said YANBU as things change and times move on and she will have to get used to it.

Candyfloss99 · 22/03/2021 19:52

Your daughter probably feels weird going on holiday with 2 couples and misses her brother. It's really not the same when a gf is always there.

Hamhockandmash · 22/03/2021 19:57

I get your DD. Maybe she just wants some family time. Have you asked her why she feels this way? I miss family holidays, just us lot. I’m a LOT older than she is too! You get past a certain age and this stuff just doesn’t happen any more. I think it’s nice.

Jennyennidots · 22/03/2021 19:57

Dd may be anxious about her and ds growing up and maybe not being “together as a family” for many more years. I remember going through similar phase myself towards the end of teen years. Might be heightened by the insecurity of covid and sense that time is passing by. Maybe she is looking to re-create the childhood days of just you 4 as a family together.
Also, maybe she is a bit fed up of GF?
Suggest you have a really good chat with her and find out what’s going on in her mind.
If it’s family time just the 4 of you she wants, can you plan some weekends like this together in the uk?

ShipOfTheseus · 22/03/2021 19:59

I’m on your DD’s side. It actually seemed very obvious to me, and I was surprised so many thought the DS should bring his GF. It completely changes the dynamics. This may be the last family holiday you ever have, and she may be conscious of that - just the four of you.

nocoolnamesleft · 22/03/2021 20:01

It's always going to be extremely awkward for a single to go on holiday with two couples.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/03/2021 20:01

I think you've tried to accomodate DD by offering her the chance to take a friend so that its six of you.
The only way is to really get to the root of what it is that is bothering her. Is that that they are all lovey dovey or the change in dynamic? As the family gets older there will be more of these compromises to be made further up the line.
You have another holiday booked so she sounds a bit spoilt tbh its only for four days or is she worried it will be the second holiday too? Has it occurred to her that if the GF doesn't come to this one and can't come to the next one that DS will soon be away on his own holidays and the "family" holidays will be over anyway.
if the GF is not annoying to anyone and has got along with you all during lockdown its a bit harsh to uninvite her.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 20:05

[quote abeanbaked]**@sunflowersandbuttercups* I didn't say that, DS is an adult so will make his own choice, the DD is not an adult and shouldn't be able to decide who goes and who doesn't. I said it is likely* that the DS will want the gf there, especially as she has now been invited. Family dynamics change, he is a 20 year old man, DD is at a difficult time in her life, being 16 is shit, but she does need to learn that she isn't the one in charge unfortunately.[/quote]
What do you mean it's likely? The DS has already decided he wants his girlfriend to come - it's right there in the first post.

And the parents went along with it, but nobody considered the daughters' wants or needs. So basically, what's happened is the DS has decided he wants his girlfriend to come and everyone has decided the DD just has to suck it up.

So again, why does DS get to dictate what happens?

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 20:24

@sunflowersandbuttercups I stand corrected, however he is an adult, she is not. I'm not sure what message it sends to a 16 year old, letting them boot someone out of the holiday. Personally, I wouldn't consult a 16 year old before inviting someone on holiday, they've tried to accommodate her and offered for a friend to come aswell.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 20:24

@sunflowersandbuttercups and what's next? GF can't come to Christmas because DD doesn't want that and it should be only family?

Inviting someone on a holiday is not dictating. Throwing a tantrum so someone gets uninvited is though.

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 20:26

And I do stand by the fact that by telling the gf she can no longer come because DD doesn't want her there, it's going to cause more problems between both mum, dad, son and daughter and DS probably won't go either.

foxhat · 22/03/2021 20:27

I put YABU just for the fact of not discussing it with her before agreeing for the GF to come. Your DD is aware, I think, that this might be the last 'family holiday' with just the 4 of you and is sad that's been changed to a very different affair. The beach holiday is not the 4 of you so that's not highly relevant. It's not unreasonable for the GF to go with you at all but it is a seminal moment and one to get everyone on board with before moving forwards with it I think.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 20:30

[quote abeanbaked]**@sunflowersandbuttercups* I stand corrected, however he is an adult, she is not. I'm not sure what message it sends to a 16 year old, letting them boot someone out of the holiday. Personally,* I wouldn't consult a 16 year old before inviting someone on holiday, they've tried to accommodate her and offered for a friend to come aswell. [/quote]
He might be an adult, but his parents are still paying for his holiday. Why should he get final say?

Yes, they've said DD can bring a friend, but only if the friend pays for themselves. Most 16 year olds can't do that.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 20:31

[quote Sunflowers095]@sunflowersandbuttercups and what's next? GF can't come to Christmas because DD doesn't want that and it should be only family?

Inviting someone on a holiday is not dictating. Throwing a tantrum so someone gets uninvited is though.[/quote]
The girlfriend already lives with them, she doesn't need to go on holiday with them as well.

Inviting someone on a family holiday and expecting everyone else to suck it up is absolutely dictating.

If the DS wants go away with his girlfriend, why don't do they pay for their own holiday instead of piggy-backing off this one?

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 20:33

@sunflowersandbuttercups because the GF should be considered family.

Some couples never get married because they don't believe in marriage, does that mean that they can never go on family holidays with their partner's family because she's just a GF?

It's creating a horrible dynamic between GF and family when she gets excluded over a teenager tantrum.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 20:37

[quote Sunflowers095]@sunflowersandbuttercups because the GF should be considered family.

Some couples never get married because they don't believe in marriage, does that mean that they can never go on family holidays with their partner's family because she's just a GF?

It's creating a horrible dynamic between GF and family when she gets excluded over a teenager tantrum.[/quote]
And also he's an adult, he might not have enough vacation or money to go away twice. If my younger sibling excluded my partner I'd rather use up my holiday to go with partner than with selfish sibling.

She gets two holidays anyway as OP said. She's about to enter the real world and that kind of entitlement won't get her very far in life.

10YellowTulips · 22/03/2021 20:39

How long have your DS and his GF been together? If they are still together next year by the time the holiday comes round is it not quite reasonable to assume the relationship might last the distance and they will end up cohabiting or married at some point? It would be fairly unreasonable to exclude her in those circumstances.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 20:39

[quote Sunflowers095]@sunflowersandbuttercups because the GF should be considered family.

Some couples never get married because they don't believe in marriage, does that mean that they can never go on family holidays with their partner's family because she's just a GF?

It's creating a horrible dynamic between GF and family when she gets excluded over a teenager tantrum.[/quote]
Who said anything about marriage?

This is a holiday that was booked over a year ago for DD, her brother and her parents. The girlfriend was never part of the plan, so it seems very presumptuous for the DS to think he can bring her now.

They can have another family holiday where the girlfriend is invited - she doesn't need to join in this one. I would NEVER assume I was invited on a family holiday that was booked/arranged before I came on the scene, married or not!

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 20:40

And also he's an adult, he might not have enough vacation or money to go away twice. If my younger sibling excluded my partner I'd rather use up my holiday to go with partner than with selfish sibling.

His parents are paying for his place!

SeaShoreGalore · 22/03/2021 20:40

God I hate this attitude that kids don’t get a say in things because they’re not paying. Of course they’re not paying - they’re kids!!! Doesn’t mean they should have to put up with a cuckoo in the nest!

GabsAlot · 22/03/2021 20:40

she'll be 18 an adulta city break she can either go or stay at home

i dont get why everyone is saying pander to her she'll prob change her mind by next year anyway

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