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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:
LemonRoses · 22/03/2021 19:15

Children don’t get to decide. Life moves on, she can’t expect everyone to baby her along and pretend other relationships don’t exist.

Why isn’t your son going away with his girlfriend on his own?

NotAPanda · 22/03/2021 19:15

You're in the wrong - you should've asked your daughter first. Family dynamics are so different when another person's there. She presumably feels like the third wheel.
Did you also ask her what she thought before moving the GF lock stock and barrel into your home?

ScottishStottie · 22/03/2021 19:18

I really feel for you dd here, sorry.

She'll miss the company of her brother as 'her' buddy, and the dynamic will 100% be different with the GF there, probably more so when its just the three of them than you are probably aware.

She is worried she's going to feel like a third wheel the whole holiday.

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 19:19

I'm sure if you asked your son he would want his gf there, so you either upset him now or upset your daughter. She is 16 so it's not really 'her' holiday, it is the family's holiday, she isn't a child and she needs to learn that the world does not revolve around her. Although at 16 I'm pretty sure I thought the world revolved around me, too.

BabyBee93 · 22/03/2021 19:19

Just read also that you went on holiday with your husband's family when you were your sons age...surely that answers your question?!

partyatthepalace · 22/03/2021 19:20

I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable, but especially as you are taking DD on another holiday, while her feelings are valid, she cannot dictate this one.

It will be good for her to accept that you cannot always have things the way you want them and that change in everything (including family structure) is inevitable. These are important life lessons so I would not m give in to her but I would encourage her to talk through her feelings (for a bit!)

Dozer · 22/03/2021 19:20

Having her sibling’s girlfriend staying for chunks of time during lockdown must be a strain for DD, so although s/he who pays get to decide who’s invited, can see why she doesn’t want to spend any more time with the GF!

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 19:20

Also, if I was 20 and my MIL told myself and by bf that I couldn't go on holiday because his sister didn't want me there I'm afraid I would probably make him choose, I would expect him to choose me..

minniemoocher · 22/03/2021 19:21

Your dd is being unreasonable, circumstances have changed since it was booked. You offered for her to have a friend come.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 19:22

@abeanbaked

Also, if I was 20 and my MIL told myself and by bf that I couldn't go on holiday because his sister didn't want me there I'm afraid I would probably make him choose, I would expect him to choose me..
And on that note DD is being naive if she thinks her brother will be thrilled to spend time with her after the drama of uninviting GF caused by her tantrum. If my partner was uninvited like that I'd probably just not go.
Umbivalent · 22/03/2021 19:24

So you're asking your DD to go on holiday with two couples.

Very different dynamic from a family holiday.

I think it's sweet and touching that she wants it to be just family. I think YABU.

Strawberryfelineforever · 22/03/2021 19:24

I think it is unreasonable for her to expect his girlfriend not to go and could set a precedent of her thinking she can dictate other things. I think you are being fair to also allow her the option of bringing a friend. Even if DD is paying for her own flight etc, I don't think she should get to decide who comes and who doesn't, especially as you have the other holiday with her, however, could there be something else at play? Perhaps she has the mindset that she'll be the only one there not in a couple? She is only 16 and might feel like the only one not "grown up" and coupled up if that makes sense.

ScottishStottie · 22/03/2021 19:25

When you say you offered that your dd could bring a friend, would you expect the friend to pay her own flights etc?

I know you said that this is the agreement with the gf coming on the holiday, but perhaps a 16 year old doesnt have friends that have money spare to spend on a holiday so even with that offer has no one to bring? I know i wouldnt have had money for that at 16.

Maybe go back and speak to dd and offer to pay for a friends place on the holiday with her.

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 19:25

@Sunflowers095 agreed and I'm really surprised at the amount of people who would let their 16 year old dictate this one

Doona · 22/03/2021 19:25

Of course you can't uninvite her! It's too late now.

m0therofdragons · 22/03/2021 19:26

It's not normal for girlfriends to go on holiday with family. Serious long term partners maybe, but given Ds is 20 I'm assuming he isn't.

At 20 I was in a serious relationship and I’m married to him 17 years later! I think it’s lovely you’ve included her and planted the seed for dd to get used to the idea. Nearer the time you’ll probably need to talk with her - changing family dynamics hits us in different ways and it sounds like dd has a picture of what will be and that’s not the reality. I wouldn’t let her dictate but I’d be sensitive.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 19:26

@abeanbaked

Also, if I was 20 and my MIL told myself and by bf that I couldn't go on holiday because his sister didn't want me there I'm afraid I would probably make him choose, I would expect him to choose me..
Charming!
daryldixonsdreamgirl · 22/03/2021 19:27

She's 16, leaving school, had a turbulent few years (as have we all), her brother is moving on from the family unit with his girlfriend and as he's 20 you guys probably won't have many family holidays left. Maybe it is a big unreasonable of her but she's 16 and that's still young to work through your feelings sometimes. The gf has lived with you through lockdown so she probably just wants to spend some time on holiday with her brother while she still can. If they've been close before she's probably worried now that he's got a serious girlfriend that she'll lose the relationship with her brother. Yes, its a bit emotionally juvenile but at 16 they're valid feelings.

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 19:28

@sunflowersandbuttercups it's likely that the DS will want his gf there, it's pretty cruel to go back to the girl and say that she now cannot come because the DD doesn't want her there. When I was that age I went on holiday with my boyfriend and his family, including younger brother, his brother didn't get to dictate the holiday and who went on it.

m0therofdragons · 22/03/2021 19:28

I would pay for friend of dd to come in full including food though.

Umbivalent · 22/03/2021 19:29

@daryldixonsdreamgirl

She's 16, leaving school, had a turbulent few years (as have we all), her brother is moving on from the family unit with his girlfriend and as he's 20 you guys probably won't have many family holidays left. Maybe it is a big unreasonable of her but she's 16 and that's still young to work through your feelings sometimes. The gf has lived with you through lockdown so she probably just wants to spend some time on holiday with her brother while she still can. If they've been close before she's probably worried now that he's got a serious girlfriend that she'll lose the relationship with her brother. Yes, its a bit emotionally juvenile but at 16 they're valid feelings.
I totally agree with this!
BarbedBloom · 22/03/2021 19:30

The thing is, I bet if you tell your DS his gf can't come he probably won't come either. In fact, it could well damage the relationship between the siblings as it certainly would of at that age if my brother had stopped my bf from coming on holiday with me. Now I am older I probably would see a little of her side but at 20, no chance.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 19:31

Yes, I agree. She is 17 soon , she is up and down with feelings and was talking months ago about bringing a friend anyway , waiting till they can be 18 to go. I dont always know what is going in her mind but try my hardest to talk to her and be understanding. My son is very caring of her and the gf is too, i often see the 3 of them sat in dd's room chatting etc.

I am quite stressed about this now really, dh said maybe just us 4 can do something next year also not inviting the gf, maybe a family weekend away if we can, appreciate the replies,

OP posts:
siyhack58342 · 22/03/2021 19:33

Maybe your DD wants to spend time with her brother on holiday or in general and can't really figure out her feelings on why she wants to chill with just her brother even if GF is really nice to her etc. But she's being unreasonable tbh, especially as you have another holiday booked!

My parents pretended I was a virgin until I was living with a partner and they couldn't deny it anymore, so this situation is very wild to me because there is no way in hell my parents would have brought a bf of mine on holiday with us as teens!

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/03/2021 19:43

[quote abeanbaked]@sunflowersandbuttercups it's likely that the DS will want his gf there, it's pretty cruel to go back to the girl and say that she now cannot come because the DD doesn't want her there. When I was that age I went on holiday with my boyfriend and his family, including younger brother, his brother didn't get to dictate the holiday and who went on it.[/quote]
So the DS gets to dictate the holiday, but you think the DD is unreasonable to want to do the same? Confused