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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

458 replies

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:23

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

OP posts:

JensonsAcolyte · 21/03/2021 11:26

Just nod and smile!

I have two teenagers (17 and 18) who are in exclusive heterosexual relationships. They both identify as queer/pan. Apparently it’s social suicide to be straight.

At 11 it really doesn’t matter. Well it doesn’t matter at any age but you know what I mean.

NormanStangerson · 21/03/2021 11:27

Why do you think she’s too young? I knew I liked boys aged 11.

grapewine · 21/03/2021 11:29

Did you not know that you liked boys by that age?

HoneysuckIejasmine · 21/03/2021 11:31

I think you've done what you need to do already. You've acknowledged her opinion, you've reassured her that any choice is absolutely fine, and you've left the door open for further conversation.

I agree she's probably too young to know for sure, but you don't need to tell her that.(and I don't think you did anyway?)

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 21/03/2021 11:32

It doesn't make a difference, does it? There is nothing that you need to do differently, just "okay, love." If she wants to talk about it or her feelings she is obviously able to come to you. Also I agree with PPs, it's perfectly normal to know that you "like" someone by that age.

Original poster

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:32

I can’t really remember, I suppose I did like boys. I sort of agree with PP that there’s so much on the subject at school that it’s almost like they feel they need to be labelling. I guess I’ll just see how it goes, as I said, she’s a very young 11 and would pass for much younger both in stature and behaviour.

OP posts:

stuckinarutatwork · 21/03/2021 11:35

I'd be surprised that a pre-pubescent child has sexual feelings for anyone of either sex at this age. Whilst I wouldn't dismiss what she's said, I wouldn't read too much into it either.

siyhack58342 · 21/03/2021 11:35

I knew I liked boys at the age and even younger and wished someone would have told me it was normal to also like girls. It was confusing and I felt a lot of shame because I thought I wasn't normal. Just be open to whatever she says about it.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 21/03/2021 11:36

She is possibly just trying to make sense of what she has been learning about and explore her own feelings. I think telling her you're there for her to chat to and not minimising her thinking seems like the right thing to do. (Although my kids aren't at this age so no actual experience to offer but your attitude to the situation seems good to me).

Original poster

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:36

@JensonsAcolyte thanks, I sort of agree it’s kind of cool to be part of LGBTQ. I wondered if this was what she was thinking. As said, I will (and have) support her all the way either way. I’m an old fart and we didn’t really learn about all of this in school and if people were gay at school I don’t think anyone really knew till they left, certainly don’t remember anyone coming out till much older.

OP posts:

SansaSnark · 21/03/2021 11:38

Just be supportive of her. Maybe she is confused, but she may also be bisexual. I am bisexual, and in hindsight had crushes on girls in primary school, although I didn't recognise them as such (and it was all very innocent).

If you tell her she is confused or wrong now, it won't help her if she is bisexual, and may contribute to internalised homophobia.

To be honest, OP, you do sounds bit biphobic, so maybe examine that in yourself first?

SphJC · 21/03/2021 11:39

Hey OP,

We are having a similar situation with our niece who is 10. She has come out as bisexual in a very casual way which shocked us all! Of course, like you, we don’t care what her sexual preferences will be when but we were shocked that she has made this decision at 10 years old.

Like another post said, it’s social suicide to be straight and I believe a lot of this is due to social media, youtubers etc...

Original poster

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:41

@SansaSnark which part of my post suggests to you that I am biphobic?

OP posts:

FontyMcFontface · 21/03/2021 11:41

I knew I was a lesbian by 11.
I think you just accept and support and don’t question anything about being too young or confused or it being a phase, as that will do damage whatever her sexuality is.

NormanStangerson · 21/03/2021 11:42

I’m an old fart and we didn’t really learn about all of this in school and if people were gay at school I don’t think anyone really knew till they left, certainly don’t remember anyone coming out till much older

I’m not very old but when I was at school people felt they had to hide it because it was seen as such a difficult and negative thing. Awful. I’m glad there’s huge dialogue now that makes people feel they don’t have to hide.

Just support her and don’t make it a big deal. She’ll explore it more as she gets older.

Original poster

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:43

To clarify, I haven’t said to her I think she’s confused or too young to know or any of this, I’ve just said we will support her and are here if she needs to talk.

OP posts:

SorryPleaseTryAgain · 21/03/2021 11:44

I certainly knew that I liked boys at 11. Would you think she was confused if she told you that she had a crush on a boy?

I think a larger part of the population is bisexual than one might think and the younger generations might just be more comfortable talking about it.

NormanStangerson · 21/03/2021 11:44

[quote OscarWildesCat]@SansaSnark which part of my post suggests to you that I am biphobic?[/quote]
Don’t worry about this. You don’t sound biphobic at all, you’re trying to do the right thing for your daughter. But in threads like this a small band of posters always pitch up. Sometimes there is biphobia, and it’s right to call it out, but not in this instance.

Original poster

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:44

@NormanStangerson agreed. I’m glad she felt she could speak to us without judgement

OP posts:

SansaSnark · 21/03/2021 11:45

[quote OscarWildesCat]@SansaSnark which part of my post suggests to you that I am biphobic?[/quote]
The fact that you're conflating being bisexual with being confused is honestly classic biphobia.

Your OP very much has an undertone that you would rather your daughter wasn't bisexual.

"Gay, straight or whatever" is also hugely dismissive- my sexuality isn't "whatever".

I don't think you're biphobic in the sense that you'd actively abuse someone for being bisexual, but I think you have internalised a lot of the biphobic messages that society presents us with. And I think it would be really worth being honest with yourself about this- regardless of whether your daughter is bisexual or not.

TJ17 · 21/03/2021 11:47

I don't think anyone would have known that they like boys at 11 to be honest, I think it's another thing that was a social "norm" at that age. Especially back when I was young and there wasn't as much awareness of LGBT, it was just expected that girls fancy boys but you don't look at a male (or female) and feel horny at that age do you.

I think nowadays like others have said it's becoming a little bit more the social norm to not be straight as there's a lot more awareness of different specialities (and rightly so!)

Either way like you say it doesn't matter and eventually she will be at an age where she knows for sure and as long as all the way along you remain open and non judgmental then hopefully she will not see it as an issue either way

Original poster

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:47

@SansaSnark we shall have to agree to disagree, it was a throwaway comment meaning I couldn’t care what she decides to be. I’ve said repeatedly I have no issue with it. Appreciate your comments but I think you’re wrong.

OP posts:

SansaSnark · 21/03/2021 11:47

Don’t worry about this. You don’t sound biphobic at all, you’re trying to do the right thing for your daughter. But in threads like this a small band of posters always pitch up. Sometimes there is biphobia, and it’s right to call it out, but not in this instance.

I am honestly not the sort of poster to do this, but as I've explained above, I do think there is an undercurrent of biphobia in OP's post.

That's not to say it's her fault or she'd actively discriminate, but it's something to consider addressing.

I think a lot of people don't recognise what biphobia looks like.

TJ17 · 21/03/2021 11:48

I think OP only wonders if her daughter is confused because she is so young. We are wondering if it's possible to have sexual feelings towards anyone at that age 🤷🏼‍♀️

BiggerBoat1 · 21/03/2021 11:49

I don't see why she's too young to know. Would you have said she was too young if she said she had a crush on a boy?

Having said that, I think you've taken a good approach. She needs to know you are always happy to talk and that it is totally fine by you whoever she likes.

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