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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

458 replies

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:23

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

OP posts:
CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 21/03/2021 13:13

I have known lesbians who have said they knew at 11 and so the same could apply to those who are bisexual. However, why have labels, and the comment about social suicide to be straight is just as bad as if it were to be gay, bisexual or anything else.

ChaToilLeam · 21/03/2021 13:14

She’s probably just beginning to be aware of her feelings, OP. Sounds you did just fine and she knows she can talk to you further. She’s so young, so who knows how things will develop, and as long as she knows you are open and accepting, then all is fine.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 21/03/2021 13:14

@Bagamoyo1 that's not actually true. Sexual curiosity and behaviour is natural and healthy in children, it's an innate part of our nature. It's quite damaging in fact to assume that any sexual behaviour in children is somehow deviant or wrong. Look up the Brook Traffic Light Tool.

puppychaos · 21/03/2021 13:14

@Backtoschool101

I am going against the grain here and think it is a bit young to be teachi g kids these things. Especially as social media is so heavy. They end up feeling like they need to be la elled and really shouldnt need to be worrying about this at 11. Regardless of their sexual orientation, it ofcourse doesnt matter. Sex education is so important and needed but the just need the basics about safe sex and pregnancy and prevention and sexual health. I think teaching about sexual orientation is not needed at 11. Maybe in a few years. But i think they are young and impressionable and end up 'needing' a label abd confusing themselves about what they are when they only need to be worrying aboyt their school work amd making friends.
  1. Sex education is needed for young people in gay and lesbian relationships too - we can also get STDs, even if we might not get pregnant by our partner, this is just as important. So why discuss sex ed before sexuality?
  1. Children with same-sex parents exist. If we don't teach children about sexuality from a young age, they're going to be incredibly confused if they have a classmate with two parents of the same gender. That's not fair on anyone.
  1. Some children do know very young. And if they're not, experimenting is a natural part of life.
CandyLeBonBon · 21/03/2021 13:14

@OscarWildesCat

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends. I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?
I knew I liked boys and girls at that age. I didn't have a name for it but I definitely felt it.
Backtoschool101 · 21/03/2021 13:16

@puppychaos im not disagreeing. You didnt see my follow up post. Teach all safe sex and you can love whoever. Just dont put labels on it. Life doesnt need to be so hard that we are labelled by our sexuality

Original poster
OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 13:17

@incandescentglow I meant in the sense we were leaving the table and the conversation was wrapping up when she blurted it out and I was shocked and just said, “oh well that’s okay though, doesn’t matter to us” then went to speak to her away from DH and DS to see if she wanted to talk more as she’d seemed quite embarrassed at dinner.

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 21/03/2021 13:17

Jensons, post number 2:

"Apparently it’s social suicide to be straight. " Grin

Agree. Many A'level students are straight. Ds1 is. But. They don't care if their peers are gay/bi/trans/non gender, see themselves as an elephant! Wink Total non issue to most teens I know.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 21/03/2021 13:17

Teaching sexual orientation at primary age is entirely necessary from a diversity and inclusion perspective, just as teaching children about people from other cultures and races is.

TangerineCandyfloss · 21/03/2021 13:19

@Backtoschool101, what do you mean by "these things"? Do you realise that hetero "normality" is in everything and everywhere? Do you not think representation is important at this age? At any age?

Coincidentally dw was saying only last night, that if homosexuality had been recognised and normalised at school and everywhere else for that matter, she would have saved herself years of mental and physical trauma in miserable relationships with men. She 100 % knew she was gay from being very young, but didn't know what the feelings were, because there was no positive representation. All she heard was negative slurs, so once puberty kicked in and she really started to understand her feelings, she buried them out of shame and lived a completely false life for the next 15/20 years. She was utterly miserable and is absolutely certain now, that if things were spoken about in schools the way they are now, she wouldn't have wasted so much of her life hiding who she really was, internalising homophobia, which is toxic.

So "these things" are incredibly important.

It's a pendulum effect, so I can understand why people think that sexuality and identity are being spoken about too much. The next phase, I hope, is it won't need to be spoken about, because homo normality will be woven into our society, just as hetero normality is and so won't be a topic of discussion.

Branleuse · 21/03/2021 13:22

i dont think it needs any specific support. Just be OK with it

georgarina · 21/03/2021 13:22

When I was around 11/12 I questioned whether I was bisexual, and I know a lot of my friends felt the same way. You're just starting to develop feelings and you're not exactly sure where they're going yet. I didn't have a strong enough relationship with my parents to talk about it with them though!

Either way, she could be bisexual or she could just be figuring things out, just support her and be there to talk to her. It's great she feels comfortable talking with you about it. As long as you're not judgmental or dismissive all should be fine.

JosephineBaker · 21/03/2021 13:23

It feels a bit young to me, I think I was around 14 when my sexuality was pretty clear to me, and my children were somewhere in the 13-15 range.

There's a lot more labelling going on now.

Backtoschool101 · 21/03/2021 13:24

@TangerineCandyfloss i agree with you. But i believe there is more to life than labelling your sexuality. Like i said teach you can love whoever, about sex education, staying safe and healthy. If they were taught you can love anyone without labels then there wouldnt be a need for all the worries etc. Teach them it doesnt matter who you love then labels wont be needed. But ofcourse if they did that then there would be no need for people to argue about the topic or get upset or be homophobic and i think people need these arguments in their life because no one can just get on woth things. Labels are not needed. Teach them love who they like and be safe. Really not hard. Not sure why people are taking my post any other way as i coudnt give a toss who anyone loved. Labels arent needed. Ive never introduced myself as straight as its not needed. So why does everyone need a label. Just teach them love anyome and how to be safe

Oblomov21 · 21/03/2021 13:25

I often wonder what % of the population is actually gay, or bi. It's higher then the 10% statistic quoted years ago. Is it nearer 20% these days? Or even higher?

Backtoschool101 · 21/03/2021 13:25

@TangerineCandyfloss if we didnt need to label everything there wouldnt be any negatove slurs. Love whoever but be safe is the easiest clearest message needed

Belladonna12 · 21/03/2021 13:26

She may change her mind as she gets older or she may not. It isn't a big deal among her age group so I doubt you will need to support her. Things are very different nowadays to how they used to be.

thatsgotit · 21/03/2021 13:28

[quote OscarWildesCat]@thatsgotit yes thanks, I meant it to cover the many other terms which I will openly admit I can’t keep up with, I’ve used the term LGBTQ but I see there’s more added in yours so I apologise I didn’t get that right. When we were talking last night DS was talking about vapogender which was a new one on me where people identify as vapour so I knew I could never cover everything when there are so many being added, hence using the word whatever, it wasn’t meant to offend, it was to avoid covering all of the groups which I have admitted I cannot do.[/quote]
Vapogender? What the actual F? hurries off to Google See, I don't know them all either. Grin

Seriously, I've never heard of that one. But yeah, the terminology shifts so often. For years I knew it as LGBT and frequently forget the Q and the I. And I'm not even sure what the plus stands for. Grin I don't think we have to necessarily be using the current terminology in order to be inclusive, though, it's about mindset rather than vocabulary.

comes back after Googling vapogender My goodness, that one's abstract. I'm not sure I even understand it! Grin

Original poster
OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 13:31

@thatsgotit I know right!, you can see why I was concerned about being inclusive whilst not knowing where to stop!

OP posts:
5zeds · 21/03/2021 13:36

I wasn’t sexual at all at 11 so I guess I’d be more surprised she was “anything” than one or the other. It all sounds such hard work. Grow up, fancy someone, act on it or don’t. What is this terrible need to leap in a box and declare yourself?

TangerineCandyfloss · 21/03/2021 13:37

@Backtoschool101, but you see, there it is again. You say, I'm straight and I don't go around introducing myself as straight, but that's because our society assumes you are. At the risk of repeating myself, our society is still very much heterosexual until proven otherwise, so with respect, you can say that, but you don't truly understand understand what it's like on the other side and no, of course there should be no sides and I agree, there should be no labels, but we're just not there yet. I believe this is just part of the moving forward process.

MajesticWhine · 21/03/2021 13:38

I recently had a similar conversation with DD who is nearly 11. She has been asking what LGBT means and what would I think if she was gay etc. And then another day announced she was bi. I just said that's absolutely fine and that she mustn't feel any need to label herself if she doesn't want to. There is so much pressure on kids to label themselves these days I'm not sure it's a good thing. But I hope I just made her think it's fine to discuss with me privately whenever she wants. I didn't tell her I am also bi as I thought that could be quite confusing. A conversation for when she is a bit older maybe.

Backtoschool101 · 21/03/2021 13:39

@TangerineCandyfloss i understand you. Im not arguing. I just feel if there werent all the lables to begin with it would be easier for people to accept people as they are. But there are new labels monthly and it just isnt needed. Life shouldnt be this hard

slashlover · 21/03/2021 13:40

For years I knew it as LGBT and frequently forget the Q and the I. And I'm not even sure what the plus stands for.

Anything that's not covered by the LGBTQ or I. I'm in the plus.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/03/2021 13:41

Re pre pubescent children, a friend once told me that her son said, ‘Mum, sometimes when I see a girl I feel I want to go and rub my willy up against her.’
He was five.
I think she was actually rather proud of this, since to her it meant that he was a ‘proper’ boy.

I’m sure I once read somewhere that many children do go through a vaguely sexual phase at around that age, since in our remote ancestors that would have been the age of sexual maturity.