to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

[OscarWildesCat]

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

Have you seen the threads on here when somebody says their partner has come out as bisexual? Fucking LTB feeding frenzies.

Don't think I've ever seen one and I have been on mumsnet for quite a while.

Here we go, first one that came up on google:

^www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/707784-Bi-curious-DP^

Though, admittedly, not as far back as 2009.

Teacher here- agree with others - every kid is queer/pan- nod and smile at this point

I believe young children are aware even though they lack the maturity to elucidate it

I think this is a good point. It's worth considering that without context, children may not understand something in quite the same way as adults do. Or they may understand or experience something, but not have the language to articulate it.
There seems to be several discussions running in this thread now.
One about how we react differently to children asking us questions about orientations other than heterosexuality and I think it is a fair reflection that many parents do react differently - even if not negatively - if their child isn't straight. Hence often asking questions on forums like this.
The other is age - is this age too young to be thinking like this? Which, before you pile in and rebuke someone for suggesting that it infers inherent biphobia/homophobia - is actually an entirely reasonable question to ask as a safeguarding matter, but should be applied regardless of orientation. Being sexually aware too young could be a flag that the child is being exposed to something inappropriate - hence it's not unreasonable to ask for other people's perspectives.
The other observation I would make, as the parent of a teen, is that there's an odd double standard working around homophobia especially in schools. Gay slurs are bandied around, but only at kids not perceived to actually be gay or lesbian. It is pretty cool to be alternative (as ever) and the tribes of choice are often arranged around gender/sexual identity.. even amongst kids with no actual sexual experience. I think lots of them are quite open minded and don't have preconceived expectations of themselves to be heterosexual. Now, I'm not saying that they will choose but I think there has been a bit of a shift in terms of the default.

@bitheby I want a long term, committed, exclusively monogamous relationships - but it could happen to be with a male or female. Whoever I'm with, I'm with 100%. It's just like the majority of the (heterosexual) population.

Yes. This.

Having caught up a bit, I still stand by my previous comment that to have a child of this age suddenly bringing up issues that you may think have never crossed their mind can be a bit disconcerting. We all know in theory that our children grow up and will have to navigate their innate sexuality, whatever that turns out to be, and most parents will know how they are going to handle it, mostly supportively I would hope. An 11 year old suddenly "coming out" versus a 14 year old doing the same may well leave a parent feeling a little on the back foot.

@crochetmonkey74

Teacher here- agree with others - every kid is queer/pan- nod and smile at this point

Well I'm glad you're not my child's teacher with that incredibly patronising and ignorant attitude.

Cecily P - I can't speak for Mhairi, of course, but I'll clarify what I meant. Sexuality, whether heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual etc is NOT a choice, obviously, nobody can control who they feel romantically and sexually attracted to.But 11-year-olds may get crushes that won't match their adult orientation, e.g.a lesbian might crush on a boy at 11, but their adult orientation would be exclusively to women. The OP seems strangely fixed on the idea that her dd is not crushing on her best friend,but is confusing friendship for a crush. This seems unlikely, but if that is the case, or if her dd ends up being heterosexual or lesbian as an adult, and this was just a crush that doesn't match her adult orientation, then she can change her mind as to whether she still feels she is bisexual. It's nothing to worry about, as long as she's not being bullied or facing prejudice.

@CecilyP

And once again being gay is not a choice!!!!

I mean, why does the OP even need to worry about her DD possibly being 'confused' or not actually bisexual? Nothing's stopping her changing her mind later!

While it is quite hard to work out what you are quoting and what are your own thoughts, Mhairiblack, these 2 statements seem somewhat contradictory.

Hi, the first statement is one that I made, and the second is part of a wider statement that someone else made that I simply quoted. And whilst the wording on beatrice's statement is clumsy the wider context shows that she was simply addressing the views of some posters that being bisexual is something that was 'put into the mind' of this 11 year old rather than a girl just discovering her identity. 'Changing her mind' doesn't here mean 'she made the decision to be bisexual and now she's choosing to be straight' it means 'changing her mind that she no longer identifies as bisexual and therein identifies as something else' it's not about choosing your sexual orientation, it's about discovering it. Hope that helps.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

Having caught up a bit, I still stand by my previous comment that to have a child of this age suddenly bringing up issues that you may think have never crossed their mind can be a bit disconcerting. We all know in theory that our children grow up and will have to navigate their innate sexuality, whatever that turns out to be, and most parents will know how they are going to handle it, mostly supportively I would hope. An 11 year old suddenly "coming out" versus a 14 year old doing the same may well leave a parent feeling a little on the back foot.

Despite posters claiming they were attracted at age 3, 11-14 Is perfectly normal, and still very early.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

Having caught up a bit, I still stand by my previous comment that to have a child of this age suddenly bringing up issues that you may think have never crossed their mind can be a bit disconcerting. We all know in theory that our children grow up and will have to navigate their innate sexuality, whatever that turns out to be, and most parents will know how they are going to handle it, mostly supportively I would hope. An 11 year old suddenly "coming out" versus a 14 year old doing the same may well leave a parent feeling a little on the back foot.

The issue here is that the parent thinks it 'may never have crossed their mind' because we live in a heteronormative world', it's not 'issues' your tone is very dramatic, it's as simple as liking girls or/and boys. It isn't necessarily sexual either, if an 11 year old told you they fancied boys you wouldn't have this reaction would you? So why is it that if it's a same sex crush there's such a 'oh no they're too young to know that they have feelings for the same sex' or it's always excessively linked to sexual feelings. It's just a crush. Please stop over-associating gay relationships with sex.

@RootyT00t

Just saying that an apparently sudden revelation like this can be a bit disconcerting at 11, maybe not so much at 14.

[quote MistressoftheDarkSide]@RootyT00t

Just saying that an apparently sudden revelation like this can be a bit disconcerting at 11, maybe not so much at 14.[/quote]
I see what you mean, but in this day and age, everyone's different.

[quote MistressoftheDarkSide]@RootyT00t

Just saying that an apparently sudden revelation like this can be a bit disconcerting at 11, maybe not so much at 14.[/quote]
What's disconcerting about it? Preteens have crushes too? As many posters have stated, they knew their sexuality from around this age.

@Mhairiblack

I used issues loosely, not to be dramatic, but can do pout and flounce if you like....

And if it makes you happy, I will assume all attractions have nothing to do with sex. I was not specifying any orientation. And I believe parents (as one myself) would like to be alert as feelings develop as their children get older.

I think the problem here is that while it's all probably nothing to do with sex, it's a new concept with a label and if the OP wants to discuss it, she has every right to.

[quote MistressoftheDarkSide]@RootyT00t

Just saying that an apparently sudden revelation like this can be a bit disconcerting at 11, maybe not so much at 14.[/quote]
11 is, apparently, the average age gay men say they 'knew'.

I would guess that as biphobia and homophobia begin to be dismantled in wider society, children and teens won't feel they have to spend years hiding or carefully policing what they say?

Good God almighty, if you're determined to misconstrue my every word, I'll happily STFU.

There's a really good cat thread I'm enjoying.

heh heh, my first ever official flounce off thread. Although, like a cat I may change my mind and return.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

Good God almighty, if you're determined to misconstrue my every word, I'll happily STFU.

There's a really good cat thread I'm enjoying.

heh heh, my first ever official flounce off thread. Although, like a cat I may change my mind and return.

I think you've misread that.

[quote MistressoftheDarkSide]@Mhairiblack

I used issues loosely, not to be dramatic, but can do pout and flounce if you like....

And if it makes you happy, I will assume all attractions have nothing to do with sex. I was not specifying any orientation. And I believe parents (as one myself) would like to be alert as feelings develop as their children get older.

I think the problem here is that while it's all probably nothing to do with sex, it's a new concept with a label and if the OP wants to discuss it, she has every right to.[/quote]
It's an issue that people who represent the groups that you're discussing are addressing issues with your discourse and you're being childish about it 'do pout and flounce if you like.'

You want to know every single time your child has a crush on someone? I don't really understand the point you're trying to make here. You really think that homosexuality is a new concept? Jesus. What can I even say.

The OP can say all that she wants but if she's asking a question on a topic she has little personal experience with and doing so in a way that is biphobic and/or offensive it's perfectly acceptable for people who actually represent those groups to criticise her words.

What did I mis-read @RootyT00t (have I got a record in returning after flounce?)

I was responding to @Mhairiblack who definitely seemed to say my tone was dramatic and I was making it all about sex?

Apologies if I am wrong. Been a long day.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

Good God almighty, if you're determined to misconstrue my every word, I'll happily STFU.

There's a really good cat thread I'm enjoying.

heh heh, my first ever official flounce off thread. Although, like a cat I may change my mind and return.

I think I'd just like you to explain why you're taking a child saying they have a crush on someone as a 'revelation' that is 'disconcerting' and why you're equating an innocent crush so much to something sexual. I'm curious as to whether you would have the same choice of words if the child in question had said they had a crush on a boy.

@Mhairiblack

The OP was not biphobic or homophobic.

Obviously I know homosexuality is not a new concept and I'm impressed by your leap, as I fail to see how anything I wrote implied my apparent utter ignorance. I haven't revealed my sexuality btw. I shall leave you guessing. You may be surprised.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

What did I mis-read *@RootyT00t* (have I got a record in returning after flounce?)

I was responding to @Mhairiblack who definitely seemed to say my tone was dramatic and I was making it all about sex?

Apologies if I am wrong. Been a long day.

Apologies myself, I thought you meant Sarah's post.

@Mhairiblack

I have explained. You are choosing to make something sinister of it.

[quote MistressoftheDarkSide]@Mhairiblack

The OP was not biphobic or homophobic.

Obviously I know homosexuality is not a new concept and I'm impressed by your leap, as I fail to see how anything I wrote implied my apparent utter ignorance. I haven't revealed my sexuality btw. I shall leave you guessing. You may be surprised.[/quote]
Equating bisexuality to being 'confused' and equating homosexuality to being a 'choice' are two such examples of how the OP was intentionally or not homophobic/biphobic, I've addressed the rest in my other comments and I'm not going to repeat myself.

These are your exact words 'I think the problem here is that while it's all probably nothing to do with sex, it's a new concept with a label and if the OP wants to discuss it, she has every right to.' so is it a leap to say that you called bisexuality a 'new concept with a label' because that's actually explicitly what you just said?

It doesn't matter your sexuality, if you have these serious misconceptions about the differences between homosexual and heterosexual crushes/relationships/identities then whether you're bisexual, straight, gay it doesn't matter you're not exempt from criticism.

[quote MistressoftheDarkSide]@Mhairiblack

I have explained. You are choosing to make something sinister of it.[/quote]
So what's the difference between an 11 year old saying they have a crush on a boy and an 11 year old saying they have a crush on a girl? Why is one a big revelation and disconcerting? Because I actually can't find that explanation anywhere in your replies.