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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

458 replies

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:23

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/03/2021 11:50

[quote OscarWildesCat]@JensonsAcolyte thanks, I sort of agree it’s kind of cool to be part of LGBTQ. I wondered if this was what she was thinking. As said, I will (and have) support her all the way either way. I’m an old fart and we didn’t really learn about all of this in school and if people were gay at school I don’t think anyone really knew till they left, certainly don’t remember anyone coming out till much older.[/quote]
I think there was a lot more homophobic bullying in the past (obviously that’s vague - there certainly was when I was at secondary school in the early to mid nineties anyway). I think you’re right that people didn’t come out until they were older, but that doesn’t necessarily correlate with when they knew.

SansaSnark · 21/03/2021 11:50

[quote OscarWildesCat]@SansaSnark we shall have to agree to disagree, it was a throwaway comment meaning I couldn’t care what she decides to be. I’ve said repeatedly I have no issue with it. Appreciate your comments but I think you’re wrong.[/quote]
You can't even bring yourself to type it though, and I think that is pretty telling.

I feel sorry for your daughter.

Original poster
OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:50

@TJ17 yes, thank you. I wonder if she confused because she’s very young, just turned 11 and young for her age not because I have an issue with it. Had she been older maybe even teens I’d have felt differently.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 21/03/2021 11:51

I don't think op is suggesting that bisexual people are confused. I think she's wondering if her young daughter might be confused about what sexuality is and thinking because she has close female friends it might mean she's bisexual.
At 11 I didn't fancy anyone, I did have intense friendships with other girls though which I think is normal at that age. I'm heterosexual. I wouldn't say I actually fancied a boy until I was maybe 13.

NormanStangerson · 21/03/2021 11:51

@SansaSnark

Don’t worry about this. You don’t sound biphobic at all, you’re trying to do the right thing for your daughter. But in threads like this a small band of posters always pitch up. Sometimes there is biphobia, and it’s right to call it out, but not in this instance.

I am honestly not the sort of poster to do this, but as I've explained above, I do think there is an undercurrent of biphobia in OP's post.

That's not to say it's her fault or she'd actively discriminate, but it's something to consider addressing.

I think a lot of people don't recognise what biphobia looks like.

I think you’re projecting. People are hypersensitive to biphobia and sometimes the merest mention of bisexuality in a thread is enough to make people call the biphobia card.

I read this as a parent wanting to understand their child, and asking a wider network, as their 11 year old spoke quite frankly about it over dinner.

On that, instead of telling the OP they’re biphobic, maybe we should commend them for obviously having created such a supportive and open family that that 11-year-old felt safe to mention that to her family, over dinner?

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 21/03/2021 11:51

I think it's a bit naive to assume your DD is too young to know how she feels in this regard. That said, I don't think any action is needed on your part at this stage other than just reassuring her that it's totally fine to be gay, straight or bi.

Dailyhandtowelwash · 21/03/2021 11:51

[quote OscarWildesCat]@JensonsAcolyte thanks, I sort of agree it’s kind of cool to be part of LGBTQ. I wondered if this was what she was thinking. As said, I will (and have) support her all the way either way. I’m an old fart and we didn’t really learn about all of this in school and if people were gay at school I don’t think anyone really knew till they left, certainly don’t remember anyone coming out till much older.[/quote]
No, the gay people were all gay at school back then too but either couldn’t talk about it/live it, or even admit it to themselves. They weren’t lacking in sexual feeling at that age.

Original poster
OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:51

@SansaSnark no need to, she’s fine thanks and will be regardless.

OP posts:
SansaSnark · 21/03/2021 11:52

@TJ17

I think OP only wonders if her daughter is confused because she is so young. We are wondering if it's possible to have sexual feelings towards anyone at that age 🤷🏼‍♀️
I had crushes on both boys and girls before that age, but I didn't know the word "bisexual".

Lots of people have crushes before reaching puberty. It's not sexual.

If her daughter has those sorts of feelings at the moment, she should be allowed to identify as bisexual.

Coasterfan · 21/03/2021 11:52

DD is 13 and came out as bisexual towards the end of last year. She now has a girlfriend and thinks she might be gay rather than bisexual. As long as she does her homework and doesn’t get in trouble with the police who she is in a relationship is a non issue. I hope eventually no one has to ‘come out’ as such, no one feels the need to announce their heterosexuality so it should be just as natural to be part of the LGBTQ community. She’s at an all girls school and 90% of her year have come out as gay or bisexual. Just keep the lines of communication open and reassure her it’s fine to be attracted to or love whoever you like regardless of their sex.

NormanStangerson · 21/03/2021 11:52

@SansaSnark and I’m afraid you’ve undermined whatever point you were trying to make with this deeply unpleasant post:

You can't even bring yourself to type it though, and I think that is pretty telling

I feel sorry for your daughter

JeffTheOracle · 21/03/2021 11:53

If she is bisexual then she's not "deciding" to be. It's not a choice. Starting to see where the other poster is coming from

CrappingMyself · 21/03/2021 11:53

She may be bi, she may not. She's just exploring and processing what she has heard at school IMO.

I'd just listen and chat with her about it, if she wants to.

SansaSnark · 21/03/2021 11:53

[quote OscarWildesCat]@SansaSnark no need to, she’s fine thanks and will be regardless.[/quote]
I don't necessarily think she will be.

I'm trying to help, believe it or not.

I think people, including yourself, don't understand what biphobia looks like. It is not the same as homophobia.

But if you're not willing to challenge yourself on this point, then carry on- but it does have the potential to damage your daughter. You can refuse to acknowledge that, but it doesn't make it any less true.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/03/2021 11:54

At 11 I thought that all boys looked like slugs and had no sexual feelings towards anybody. We had only had rudimentary sex ed which was mostly centred on puberty.

SansaSnark · 21/03/2021 11:54

[quote NormanStangerson]@SansaSnark and I’m afraid you’ve undermined whatever point you were trying to make with this deeply unpleasant post:

You can't even bring yourself to type it though, and I think that is pretty telling

I feel sorry for your daughter[/quote]
Yeah, OP dismisses my sexuality as "whatever" but I'm the unpleasant one.

Monr0e · 21/03/2021 11:54

OP, my 10 almost 11 year old DD has said the same. Like you we are not sure if she is, if she's following a trend or if she is saying it because she sees it as preferring girls, which she does to play with and hang out with.

So we have pretty much just said OK, and cracked on with life. At the moment she still thinks kissing is disgusting and says eww if anyone shows signs of intimacy on the TV so we'll see what happens as she matures. It is a really confusing time, so we will just be there for her, love her and support her and make any eventual partner welcome

crispychicken12 · 21/03/2021 11:55

I'd be happy she's talking so freely about it, 11 is young. She might be confused, or she might be very certain.

Bagamoyo1 · 21/03/2021 11:55

@SansaSnark

Just be supportive of her. Maybe she is confused, but she may also be bisexual. I am bisexual, and in hindsight had crushes on girls in primary school, although I didn't recognise them as such (and it was all very innocent).

If you tell her she is confused or wrong now, it won't help her if she is bisexual, and may contribute to internalised homophobia.

To be honest, OP, you do sounds bit biphobic, so maybe examine that in yourself first?

Biphobic?? Give me strength!.
Nowayhozay · 21/03/2021 11:56

I think you have done all you can at this point, you acknowledged her, you reassured her. At this age what more could you do.
The fact she was able to open up to the family so easily says a lot about how you parent so I don't think you can be doing a bad job.

I couldn't see anything biphobic in your post. It's only natural to have questions, doubts and want to explore all avenues.

Keep on doing what you are doing, you sound very grounded to me.

Barcodes · 21/03/2021 11:57

Agree that I was aware that I was feeling same sex crushes at that age. People would be suprised if she fancied a boy at that age, and its good she can come to you

Why do you think she's confused?

When i was at school there were a fair amount of bi people, some did later decide that they weren't, some people later identified as lesbian, others remain bi .bi is also a bit hidden because if someone is in a same sex relationship you might assume they are a lesbian, but often its a much higher percentage in my experience people assume hetro relationship =hetro. I know many mums will say their daughters "grew out of it" when their daughters still identify as bi but are now married to men.

If she started a relationship with a boy, you wouldn't be worried that she was confused, and worry that she was labelling herself too young incase she later wanted to date girls. Equally lots of people that thought they liked boys later change their minds, its okay to explore things

NormanStangerson · 21/03/2021 11:57

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:58

@SansaSnark I genuinely apologise if my use of the word “whatever” offended you, it wasn’t my intention and it doesn’t make me biphobic as far as I’m concerned.

OP posts:
JensonsAcolyte · 21/03/2021 12:00

Telling a bisexual adult that they are just confused is biphobic.

Suggesting that a prepubescent child is confused or playing around with identities isn’t the same as that at all.

It actually doesn’t matter at this age. She’s not having sexual relationships with anybody. It’s just dress up. At this age I was having fake weddings in the playground with my boyfriend but it didn’t make me straight. Kids absorb the messages around them and right now, thankfully, there’s no expectation of heterosexuality, and as I said it’s fashionable to be ‘queer’ (I hate that term). It doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

Tbh I’ve often said that exclusively heterosexual women are proof that sexuality is innate. Who’d choose that! 🤣

PinkArt · 21/03/2021 12:00

While leaving the conversation open with her, please don't use the phrase 'decides' with her. If she's bi then it's not something she'll 'decide' to be any more than you (presumably) 'decided' to be straight. I appreciate being called biphobic is uncomfortable but please look at your language as it might make a big difference to your daughter going forwards.
As for being too young. When I was 8 or 9 I was certain I'd marry Jason Donovan when I grew up. Sexuality isn't a sexual thing for kids but they know who they think is dreamy!