to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

[OscarWildesCat]

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

Im gay and knew very young i was different to other girls. I knew i was gay by the time i was 11 for sure.

I wasn't sexual as in at all ready to have relationships at 11, but I did know that I fancied certain boys and liked it if they liked me. Perhaps this was just 'play' but it turned out my orientation at that stage is pretty much what it has been later on, with all the choices available.

I think this all seems a bit worrying to parents as they associate it with sex and early sexual activity, but that's really not how this age group views it at all, at least likely not at 11, they discuss sexuality and gender and thoughts on these things much more freely now and it's a way of bonding and understanding each other as well, so I'd let them get on with it.

Unfortunately, despite no-one talking about periods til age 14 at our school, the first girl or two were messing about with boys age 11/12 and by 13 the first girl was not only pregnant but had the baby. Times have changed but not necessarily in bad ways. There is still a lot of homophobic bullying in schools as well.

OP and @thatsgotit - laughing at terms used is not making you sound inclusive at all. shrugging that you don't know what the + is for in LGBTQ+ gives the impression that you don't think it's important enough to google, and yet you're happy to post about it on a public forum.

Some 11 year olds are bisexual. It's pretty cool that you DD is happy to chat about it with you. Encourage it and try not to make her think she's too young to explore her identity.

I definitely had crushes on people when I was 11. I wouldn't have labelled myself as bisexual then, but I'm pretty sure that even at the time I was aware that my feelings for Ace from Dr Who were in the same general area as my feelings for Lord Peter Wimsey.

Would you think she was too young to know if she liked boys?

I didn’t know the + was a thing till a pp posted it that way @Sbk28 not that I couldn’t be bothered to google. Also, haven’t laughed at any terms, just amazed that people identify as vapour?. I guess someone will always find something to be offended about though.

My very young 11 year old told me that she is pansexual and trans. She is in fact a very 'girly' girl and when i asked her if she fancies boys, Ew no, does she fancy girls? Ew no, do you fancy anyone? Ew no . Your dd certainly might be bisexual but equally she might not have a clue yet.

It's difficult to talk about sexual attraction when she is so young. Does she like girls and boys, sure. Does she want to kiss girls and boys, maybe, maybe not. Does she actually know what bisexual means. I wouldn't assume she does unless she is really having those sexual feelings already.

Re pre pubescent children, a friend once told me that her son said, ‘Mum, sometimes when I see a girl I feel I want to go and rub my willy up against her.’
He was five.
I think she was actually rather proud of this, since to her it meant that he was a ‘proper’ boy.

If he’d said that to a teacher, it would be treated as a safeguarding issue.

I'm really surprised at people who are saying they don't think a child would know who they liked/have sexual feelings at 11.

I definitely had sexual feelings for boys when I was 10. No I wasn't abused or exposed to anything dodgy. I just really really fancied boys and wanted to kiss and hug them and be with them..!

Anyway, just let her know you're here for her and she can talk to you anytime, and just be ok with whoever she ends up fancying, unless they're a knobhead obvs!

@OscarWildesCat

I didn’t know the + was a thing till a pp posted it that way *@Sbk28* not that I couldn’t be bothered to google. Also, haven’t laughed at any terms, just amazed that people identify as vapour?. I guess someone will always find something to be offended about though.

To be fair, it was predominantly the other poster who gave the impression that it was all a joke to them and dismissing things. This isn't about finding something to be offended about. As I said, you seem to be doing things well as your child was happy discussing her orientation with you.

Some 11 year olds are bisexual. It's pretty cool that you DD is happy to chat about it with you.

Did she actually chat about it or just say it without any further conversation?

@unim

Would you think she was too young to know if she liked boys?

Oooh, this is interesting.

I knew I was bi at 11 but didn't admit it to anyone else until I was 20 because bisexuality wasn't discussed ever in PSHE, or even by my peers until I was about 17. Several of my gay friends knew by that age and also didn't come out until after school because they were scared of the backlash. I don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility that she knows and that openness and rounded education about the different sexualities has allowed her to say how she feels. Of course you can be unsure privately but I wouldn't go telling her you think she's mistaken.

Interestingly the only people I know who made clear they'd been mistaken about their sexuality as adults having declared it when they were younger are all gay (but decided they were straight when they were younger), not the other way round.

She might be but then again she might not be. I certainly knew I was bisexual at that age... I mean I didnt know the name for it, but I felt romantic attraction towards girls as well as boys and I knew that wasn't what everyone felt or what I saw mostly on TV... it was a hard and confusing time for me... im glad your daughter has the vocabulary to describe her experiences and felt comfortable enough to tell you.
Just be supportive. Sometimes kids that young have crushes on their own gender but when they get older it doesnt happen again and they turn out to be straight... but sometimes they are bisexual. You don't know so just be supportive and kind and dont invalidate what she is trying to say to you.

Hi OP,
I'm only 15, but I hope you don't mind me posting. It's great that you said she could talk to you any time etc, but the stuff about her being confused does come across as belittling, (I know you didn't say it to her) as if she said she had crushes on boys (i.e. at the moment felt she was heterosexual) you wouldn't think 'are you sure you aren't just confused or going through a phase?'. Heterosexual is still presumed as the default and doesn't have the same history of persecution, so it's important not to treat what she said as if it's a less valid than a child having opposite-sex crushes. Why does it matter if she's actually straight and it's just a phase anyway? It's not an unchangeable decision! I'm sure you're not anti-lgb, and you handled it pretty well, but you seem to have some unconcious bias.
Also, a friend of mine replies to 'it's just a phase' with 'the moon has phases!'

@Backtoschool101, yes, that all sounds lovely and I hope one day we get there, but you can't go from homosexuality being illegal - an actual crime and equal marriage only just being recognised, straight to - love is love , job done. We have a way to go and being in that community, some days, I can tell you, it feels like we're going backwards.

@beatrice14, you have explained it perfectly. Much better than me!

I am an adult (bisexual but female long term partner) and I knew when I was 11. I was so worried that no one would take me seriously so I put it to the back of my mind and hoped I'd forget about it. Makes me really sad thinking back to that. Eventually came out when I was 18 because as it turns out I couldn't forget about it

@beatrice14

Hi OP, I'm only 15, but I hope you don't mind me posting. It's great that you said she could talk to you any time etc, but the stuff about her being confused does come across as belittling, (I know you didn't say it to her) as if she said she had crushes on boys (i.e. at the moment felt she was heterosexual) you wouldn't think 'are you sure you aren't just confused or going through a phase?'. Heterosexual is still presumed as the default and doesn't have the same history of persecution, so it's important not to treat what she said as if it's a less valid than a child having opposite-sex crushes. Why does it matter if she's actually straight and it's just a phase anyway? It's not an unchangeable decision! I'm sure you're not anti-lgb, and you handled it pretty well, but you seem to have some unconcious bias. Also, a friend of mine replies to 'it's just a phase' with 'the moon has phases!'

You're very astute here - good work!

And it's right - an 11 year old girl stating she had a crush on a boy might be told "you're too young for boyfriends" but wouldn't be told "perhaps you're confused" or "it's just a phase."

I now recognise that feelings I had towards a girl when I was 12 was genuine attraction, while the feelings I had towards a boy at 13 were not. I didn't have the framework to underatand at the time, nor did I feel able to discuss it with anyone. I am heartened to know that 20 years later, most preteens and teenagers seem much more aware.

When I was 11 all my friends and I thought boys were gross and repulsive. If there had been endless talks at school about different genders, sexuality and whatnot, then some of us might have been confused by it all, because at the time, we all thought "Ugh!!!" at the very idea of having sex with boys.

@stuckinarutatwork

I'd be surprised that a pre-pubescent child has sexual feelings for anyone of either sex at this age.

Erm, nobody is talking about sexual feelings. It's perfectly normal to 'like' girls or boys from a young age without sexual feelings. This is such a strange twist to put into things.

@emptyraspberry

When I was 11 all my friends and I thought boys were gross and repulsive. If there had been endless talks at school about different genders, sexuality and whatnot, then some of us might have been confused by it all, because at the time, we all thought "Ugh!!!" at the very idea of having sex with boys.

Of course kids get confused. But they get confused by seeing any adult relationships - gay or straight.

@JensonsAcolyte

Just nod and smile!

I have two teenagers (17 and 18) who are in exclusive heterosexual relationships. They both identify as queer/pan. Apparently it’s social suicide to be straight.

At 11 it really doesn’t matter. Well it doesn’t matter at any age but you know what I mean.

What on earth is this nonsense? Being straight is social suicide?

[quote OscarWildesCat]@SansaSnark which part of my post suggests to you that I am biphobic?[/quote]
The part where you use the word "confused" to refer to her potentially being bisexual, which is a common accusation to bi people; that they don't know which (i.e. gay or straight) they are.

And the fact that you are questioning her potential sexuality (she didn't even say she was bi, she said she might be) when you likely wouldn't if she said she might be straight, as that is assumed to be the default.

And implying she might feel that way because it's cool. Actually it's far more likely that more people identify as bi these days (half of young adults) because those feelings are considered more acceptable now and they don't have to pick a side like many older adults felt expected to.