to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

[OscarWildesCat]

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

My sister is 10 and at 9 she told my Mum she was bisexual.

My Mum is just going along with it, maybe it’s a just a phase and she’s not too sure and influenced by the internet or maybe she is bisexual who knows. I don’t think it’s something that a big deal should be made out of, just let her get on with it. However, I do think that was the age I started realising I liked boys so I don’t see how realising a different sexuality would be classed as too young.

I think Sansa wanted you to list everything in the LGBTQ+ (I expect I've missed something as it gets longer all the time) list

I don't think you are discriminatory

My understanding of the OP’s post is that she’s questioning her daughter’s ability, at her young age and stage, to know about her sexuality. I think that’s perfectly reasonable. A child who is just 11, and not advanced, probably doesn’t understand sexuality. It’s nothing to do with OP not wanting her daughter to be gay, or bisexual - it’s about her wondering if this is an area her DD can even understand at the moment.

Actually, proclaiming that young children are aware of sexuality and sexual preferences can be very damaging. I believe it’s the justification many paedophiles use, claiming that children enjoy it because they’re already sexual beings.

Let’s let kids be kids, and treat their prepubescent musings as just random immature thoughts, until they’re old enough to know what they’re talking about. By all means humour them, but don’t take it too seriously.

I don't necessarily think she will be.

I'm trying to help, believe it or not.

I think people, including yourself, don't understand what biphobia looks like. It is not the same as homophobia.

But if you're not willing to challenge yourself on this point, then carry on- but it does have the potential to damage your daughter. You can refuse to acknowledge that, but it doesn't make it any less true.

You've made a huge judgement based on a couple of posts on a forum. I don't think that's helpful for the OP (and by extension, her DD). It does come across as projecting as we just don't have loads of info to make that kind of judgement.

@Bagamoyo1 thank you, perfectly explains in a better way what I’m trying to get across.
For those mentioning the word “decide” DD used that word not me, she said, and I’m paraphrasing, “I was going to speak to you properly when I decide if it’s real but since it came up.....”.

Honestly I think she could well know at 11. Or not. But it really doesn’t matter, I don’t think you have to ‘do’ anything.

[quote OscarWildesCat]@SansaSnark we shall have to agree to disagree, it was a throwaway comment meaning I couldn’t care what she decides to be. I’ve said repeatedly I have no issue with it. Appreciate your comments but I think you’re wrong.[/quote]
Did you decide to be heterosexual, op?

Part of how you support her is in how you talk about this stuff and the ideas you communicate.

There are powerful implications behind the idea that some people just are straight, but others decide to be gay or bisexual. Even an 11 year old is capable of picking up on that. Whether you intend malice or not (and I assume not).

@Nowayhozay

I think you have done all you can at this point, you acknowledged her, you reassured her. At this age what more could you do. The fact she was able to open up to the family so easily says a lot about how you parent so I don't think you can be doing a bad job.

I couldn't see anything biphobic in your post. It's only natural to have questions, doubts and want to explore all avenues.

Keep on doing what you are doing, you sound very grounded to me.

This is pretty much what I was going to say too. I think it takes many parents by surprise when their children start talking about sex - it doesn't seem like any time since they were into Minecraft/Pokémon whatever. But I think kids talk about this pretty young and do a lot of thinking about what they are - it's a natural part of self discovery as you grow up. Whilst for many people sexual orientation is clear to them from a young age it isn't the same for everyone. My DD is slightly older and we've had many chats around this. She's decided she's just not ready for any definitions or labels, or relationships just yet. I think there is quite substantial peer pressure to be inclusive. I've said I'm always willing to talk and to listen, but that she's not under any obligation to tell me anything - this is private and matters only to her and any future partners. I have said she's not obliged to include anyone in her dating pool if she doesn't want to and in true MN style that 'no' is a full sentence. Anecdotally - several of her friends when pushed for an answer will say they're asexual. It seems to be an acceptable label and is inherently non-commital and safe.

I think what you're doing is fine. Just take note of your language and try to move your mindset away from sexuality being a choice to decide on (did you "choose" your own?).

I realised I "fancied" boys who looked like girls and girls who looked like boys at your daughter's age...my room was decked in posters of Adam Ant and Grace Jones in the early 80s.

Very few of my own kid's friends identify as straight through only two of them date people of the same sex so there's some sort of zeitgeist surrounding LGBTQ+ going on as mentioned already.

I think you've had good responses here.

My 12 year old has mentioned that she is is going to marry a woman when she grows up, and as a) she is 12 and marriage is a long way off for her and b) it doesn't matter anyway, I just say "yes, that sounds nice." just as I would say "yes, that sounds nice" if she said she was going to marry a man when she grows up. For what it's worth, I don't think she is gay, just that marrying a girl probably seems like a nice thing to do, which it objectively is!

That's fun what @JensonsAcolyte says above, because in my admittedly limited experience of the term, I have never known a (self declared) pansexual who wasn't in a long term committed relationship with a member of the opposite sex, and the only couple I've ever known who said they were in a "queer relationship" were a man and woman.

Fundamentally, your daughter is not going to accidentally end up in a long term committed relationship with a woman by mistake because she was confused at 11. Either she grows up bi or she doesn't.

I definitely wouldn't talk about "coming out" as bi or anything other than "that's nice, dear" until/unless she actually brings home an actual girlfriend, though. It can be difficult to walk something back when you change your mind, and life is mortifying enough as a teen without having to come out as straight to your parents because of a throwaway comment at 11.

[quote OscarWildesCat]@Bagamoyo1 thank you, perfectly explains in a better way what I’m trying to get across.
For those mentioning the word “decide” DD used that word not me, she said, and I’m paraphrasing, “I was going to speak to you properly when I decide if it’s real but since it came up.....”.[/quote]
Ok, fair enough. That's an entirely different thing to deciding to be bisexual, which is what you said.

I had not given boys (or girls) much thought in a sexual way at 11, have many 11 year olds really?! Op I wouldn't give it much thought, it sounds like she has a lot of developing to do physically and maturity-wise in the next few years and she will think in greater depth about it then no doubt! Biphobic...doesn't come across that way to me.

It is totally fashionable at the moment. I told my daughter at the same age that people her age are only just starting to have sexual feelings so there's no real need to label yourself at this stage (or any other stage). But teens and tweens love to fit into a group or label. I wouldn't read much into it, just be clear that you are totally unconcerned whatever her sexual orientation is.

11 was around the time I started to realise I was bi. It’s not about sexual feelings or being “horny” as pp have suggested but having crushes and spending all my time thinking about how beautiful my lovely science teacher was xD

I told my mum I was a lesbian at 10 or 11, I thought boys were yucky. Then I found Jason Donovan/River Phoenix and I've been married to a man for twenty something years. I'm a bit bicurious I guess, does that make me straight? bi? pan? I've no idea so I don't overthink it and she doesn't need to either. She doesn't have to have a label for herself.

Just be you OP, sounds like you're doing great. x

The fact that you're conflating being bisexual with being confused is honestly classic biphobia.

Your OP very much has an undertone that you would rather your daughter wasn't bisexual.

"Gay, straight or whatever" is also hugely dismissive- my sexuality isn't "whatever".

I don't think you're biphobic in the sense that you'd actively abuse someone for being bisexual, but I think you have internalised a lot of the biphobic messages that society presents us with. And I think it would be really worth being honest with yourself about this- regardless of whether your daughter is bisexual or not.

@SansaSnark I don't get this vibe from the OP's posts at all. I'm bi myself so very aware of biphobia, but 'gay, straight or whatever' is an accepting message imho. Just because she didn't say LGBTQI+ doesn't mean she's being dismissive. I read the 'whatever' to encompass all of the various possibilities.

I wish to goodness my parents had told me they'd still love me if I was 'gay, straight or whatever' - they were very judgemental and invalidating when I realised I was bi as a teen, and more or less tried to 'forbid' me to explore my sexuality. (I was about 18 at the time, so they couldn't exactly stop me!) I never managed to get to the bottom of the prejudice or where it came from, but the lack of acceptance really hurt at the time and I often wonder how I would have been treated if I'd chosen to marry a woman rather than a man.

OP personally I'd avoid the word 'confused' in talking about this with your daughter as she could find it invalidating, but otherwise I think you're already doing the right things to support her. You told her she will always be loved unconditionally and that's what matters.

I’m completely boringly straight but if I’d been bombarded with LGBTQ info at 11 I’m sure I would have convinced myself I was a lesbian. I thought I was weird because I didn’t have crushes on the boys in boy bands or on Home and Away. I just didn’t feel anything! As a very little girl I had little crushes on men but not between 9 and about 12.5.

I went to an all girls school which didn’t help and I was only interested in spending time with girls or horses! Boys seemed mucky and boring. Couldn’t relate to them at all.

I was put on the pill very young for early heavy periods. I know now it killed my libido. By 17 I’d already been on it for the maximum allowed time at that point and was forced to come off it. I genuinely had no sexual feelings towards ANYONE until I came off the pill. Had there been any LGBTQ education I’d have assumed I was asexual or maybe even gay.

All I can say is after six weeks off the pill it was helllllloooooooo sex drive and hellllllooooooo boys.

Give it time. What will be will be. Just allow her to be whatever she is. Sexuality can be fluid too. I know lots of people who only realised they were gay/bi/straight/trans in middle age! Most women I know have had at least one experience with the opposite to the sexuality they’ve come to identify with. I think at 11 it’s normal to be at least a little confused. Just be calm and accepting.

@NameChangedForThisFeb21so are you opposed to LGBTQ issues being taught about in schools? Your post came across a little that way to me.

I definitely wouldn't talk about "coming out" as bi or anything other than "that's nice, dear" until/unless she actually brings home an actual girlfriend, though. It can be difficult to walk something back when you change your mind, and life is mortifying enough as a teen without having to come out as straight to your parents because of a throwaway comment at 11.

Though you can be bi and never have a same-sex relationship, so even if she doesn't bring a girlfriend home it doesn't mean she's straight. It's not compulsory for bi people to have relationships with men and women.

It’s not too young for her to know, and you don’t need to do anything in particular to support her other than the support you would give any child starting to understand or show an interest in romantic relationships.

Make sure she has age-appropriate sex ed and relationship advice, chat to her about consent and boundaries, make sure she knows that you don’t mind if she likes boys, girls or both. Use inclusive ‘he or she’ language if discussing the idea of having a boyfriend / girlfriend one day.

Don’t tell her you think she might be confused or that it’s just a phase. Even if you say it alongside ‘but we will support you whatever!’ it will likely stop her from feeling able to talk to you openly (I speak from personal experience). If it is a phase she will grow out of it without intervention from you, but if it isn’t then suggesting otherwise will only alienate her.

OP, you handled the situation very well. As long as you remain open, your DD will feel safe and able to talk to you as she growd up and learns more about herself. Remember nothing that she feels is wrong or invalid. It is perfectly possible that she is not bisexual, but still learning to decipher her own feelings. She may decide she best fits the category of asexual, or pansexual, or homosexual aromantic or any number of things. Labels can be very useful in helping young people understand themselves and feel valid. She may change her preferred orientation ten times (sometimes sharing this information with you, sometimes not) or she may remain contently bisexual until she's 100. As long as you understand (and it sounds like you do) that this is a perfectly normal and healthy part of growing up, you will both be fine. Ignore the person who is saying they are 'worried' about your daughter because of your attitude. They clearly have an axe to grind. I can confirm that they do not speak for all bisexual people.

Oh for goodness sake, why are people still saying things like " just smile and nod" Seen so many of these - I'm not homophobic, but don't panic, I'm sure it's just a phase, she doesn't really know what she's saying etc etc.

Homosexuality and bisexuality are no less real than heterosexuality, yet we still live in a society that is heterosexual until proven otherwise.

Nothing needs to be done, is the good news OP, but please don't automatically think she's confused. Be honest, if your dd had sat there and said "I think I just like boys", you wouldn't have given it a second thought and you wouldn't have started a thread about it. You would just believe her. Please take a moment to step back and think to yourself, why is that?

Fwiw, I'm bisexual and I knew from that age. However, I didn't come out as bisexual until almost 20 years later, because of attitudes like on here. It's ok if you are...but chances are you're probably not.

@thatsgotit yes thanks, I meant it to cover the many other terms which I will openly admit I can’t keep up with, I’ve used the term LGBTQ but I see there’s more added in yours so I apologise I didn’t get that right. When we were talking last night DS was talking about vapogender which was a new one on me where people identify as vapour so I knew I could never cover everything when there are so many being added, hence using the word whatever, it wasn’t meant to offend, it was to avoid covering all of the groups which I have admitted I cannot do.

I can’t understand why @SansaSnark is getting flamed. The OP’s post struck me as quite biphobic too. Would this post exist if the child had said she thought she was not LGBTQ.

My 11yo DD and I recently had a very similar discussion. We were chatting about how statistically, in her class, several of the children are L, G, B, or T, and some may or may not know it. My daughter said, “well I know of at least two people. Me and [friend] are bi.” I was pleased that she was able to say this conversationally and I said, “oh that’s nice.”

My DD and the OPs DD may or may not continue to identify that way after puberty. Sexuality is quite fluid in kids and teens. But I’m bi and I wish that if felt as relaxed and open about having loving feelings towards boys and girls at that age.

I don’t think she needs support because she’s bisexual. You realise most young people these days don’t worry about all this too much, you shouldn’t either