to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

[OscarWildesCat]

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

Fwiw, I'm bisexual and I knew from that age. However, I didn't come out as bisexual until almost 20 years later, because of attitudes like on here. It's ok if you are...but chances are you're probably not.

Same here. And I don't understand the flaming either.

@crosspelican

I think you've had good responses here.

My 12 year old has mentioned that she is is going to marry a woman when she grows up, and as a) she is 12 and marriage is a long way off for her and b) it doesn't matter anyway, I just say "yes, that sounds nice." just as I would say "yes, that sounds nice" if she said she was going to marry a man when she grows up. For what it's worth, I don't think she is gay, just that marrying a girl probably seems like a nice thing to do, which it objectively is!

That's fun what @JensonsAcolyte says above, because in my admittedly limited experience of the term, I have never known a (self declared) pansexual who wasn't in a long term committed relationship with a member of the opposite sex, and the only couple I've ever known who said they were in a "queer relationship" were a man and woman.

Fundamentally, your daughter is not going to accidentally end up in a long term committed relationship with a woman by mistake because she was confused at 11. Either she grows up bi or she doesn't.

I definitely wouldn't talk about "coming out" as bi or anything other than "that's nice, dear" until/unless she actually brings home an actual girlfriend, though. It can be difficult to walk something back when you change your mind, and life is mortifying enough as a teen without having to come out as straight to your parents because of a throwaway comment at 11.

I have never known a (self declared) pansexual who wasn't in a long term committed relationship with a member of the opposite sex, and the only couple I've ever known who said they were in a "queer relationship" were a man and woman.

They do exist though. Its why people get caught up on bi visibility.

I would probably now identify as pansexual or queer (growing up i used bisexual) but I'm in a same sex relationship. Some people are aware that I've dated men, but in general most people identify me as a lesbian. I've no doubt if I was with a man, that people would decide that I "used to be a lesbian" or used to be xyz but now I'm hetro. I don't think any of my workplace and 90% of my family would identify my sexuality correctly, and they would simply go with whoever I was dating at the time

As I'm in a same sex relationship, I get access to queer spaces etc but I can see why people who don't identify as hetro but are constantly read as hetro feel more of a need to identify themselves as members of the queer community (people already decide I'm a member).

I said earlier upthread that I've often encountered people saying that others grew out of it, or even on mumsnet where advice is frequently given that people shouldn't talk about being bi if they are in a relationship because its "look at me", and suggestive that they will cheat, and people are encouraged to leave partners that come out as bisexual because "bisexual doesn't mean anything if younare in a longterm relationship"

I don't think it's particularly helpful to encourage primary aged children to label their sexuality. Of course it is important that there is no judgement or shame, so I think op handled it very well.
DS age 10 announced he was asexual, because girls are yucky and he doesn't fancy boys either. I mean, maybe he is, but it's more likely that things will change once he hits puberty.

I am pretty sure gay and lesbian people say they have known their sexuality from a young age. Obviously children don't recognise it as sexuality or related to sex as such, but I don't think you can say at 11 someone is too young to know that about themselves. I knew I liked boys at 11. Also 11 isn't that young she could be very much on the cusp of puberty.

I am going against the grain here and think it is a bit young to be teachi g kids these things. Especially as social media is so heavy. They end up feeling like they need to be la elled and really shouldnt need to be worrying about this at 11. Regardless of their sexual orientation, it ofcourse doesnt matter. Sex education is so important and needed but the just need the basics about safe sex and pregnancy and prevention and sexual health. I think teaching about sexual orientation is not needed at 11. Maybe in a few years. But i think they are young and impressionable and end up 'needing' a label abd confusing themselves about what they are when they only need to be worrying aboyt their school work amd making friends.

I can’t understand why @SansaSnark is getting flamed. The OP’s post struck me as quite biphobic too. Would this post exist if the child had said she thought she was not LGBTQ.

As a just turned 11 year old showing no signs of puberty yet, it would certainly sound like an odd thing to say.

What you’ve done is fine for now. I’m bi, and had what I felt like were confusing feelings about girls around that age. It just wasn’t until I got abit older it started to make sense. She doesn’t need to decide at that age, and if you keep bringing it up with her will make her feel like she has to figure it all out ASAP and label herself - when really she has all the time in the world to figure out her own feelings. What you said was perfect, and she knows she can speak to you if she needs to.

@Backtoschool101

Lots of people though have said they were beginning to wonder about their sexuality at that age.

Do you wait until they are 14 when kids have potential had thoughts they are worried about, feelings they think are abnormal for years? Kids still grow up in families where people simply aren't gay and where its not spoken about at best or deeply homophobic at worst

Certainly in my school people were having periods at that age, first kisses in year 7 and 8. Surely its better to be on time for some, a bit early for others than waiting till you've missed the boat for 70%?

Age 11 would be primary 7 in Scotland and there was some dating and boyfriends and girlfriends when I was that age. Lots of "who do you fancy?" etc. I still remember being SO confused and feeling left out of it so I was definitely asexual at that age even if I had no clue of the actual word for about 15 years after that.

When i was at school there were a fair amount of bi people, some did later decide that they weren't, some people later identified as lesbian, others remain bi .bi is also a bit hidden because if someone is in a same sex relationship you might assume they are a lesbian, but often its a much higher percentage in my experience people assume hetro relationship =hetro. I know many mums will say their daughters "grew out of it" when their daughters still identify as bi but are now married to men.

My friend's mum still refers to it as a phase when she's still bi but has been married for 20 years with no desire to cheat on her husband.

I knew I was attracted to both boys and girls by about 12 years old. It wasn’t overtly sexual attraction pre puberty I knew I was attracted to both boys and girls by about 12. There were not overly sexual feelings but they were definitely there.

Also, the patronising ‘yes dear’ and smile posts do sound a little homo/bi phobic, as though heterosexuality is the default and anything else we need to wait to see if it’s a phase.

Also ‘gay, straight, whatever’ may not have been intended to be offensive, but I do understand the previous posters observation that OP appears reluctant to type the one word that her dd said she might be.

@Backtoschool101 I see what you’re saying and agree to an extent, it seems to be heavily discussed in school. It would be great to live in a world where people didn’t have to be labelled as straight, Gay or Bi and could just be without a label so I suppose the plus side of learning it all in school is that it reduces the stigma and allows kids who are confused with feelings or wondering if they’re gay to know it’s ok to be different. I know what you’re saying though, it has the potential to make young kids feel like they have to pick a label rather than just concentrate on being kids.

I’m married to a man and haven’t had any romantic interest / contact with a woman for over 20 years but it doesn’t mean it was a phase - it just means I happened to fall in love with a man and marry him.
I still generally find women much more attractive than men.

Ignore my stupid cut and paste fail in my first post where I repeat the same sentence twice!!

Sex education is so important and needed but the just need the basics about safe sex and pregnancy and prevention and sexual health. I think teaching about sexual orientation is not needed at 11.

But by teaching about safe sex etc then I'm assuming you mean only heterosexual safe sex?

I think sexual feelings and actual feelings for a person are a complete jumble at that age really. I had periods at 12 and was pretty horny from the age of 11 onwards. I had sexual feelings for anything and anyone I seem to remember. But I only really fancied one particular boy.
Until they have a relationship with a real person it’s pretty up in the air I’d say.

@slashlover no all sex. But they dont need to go into so much detail that the need to label everything as straight, gay, pan, bi etc. Just how to be safe and that they will have a range of feelings which is all normal and a label isnt needed

Do you wait until they are 14 when kids have potential had thoughts they are worried about, feelings they think are abnormal for years? Kids still grow up in families where people simply aren't gay and where its not spoken about at best or deeply homophobic at worst

Kids also grow up in families where one or both parents/aunts/uncles/cousins/friends are LGBTQ+ and othering these orientations doesn't help.

I dont know why its so difficult to teach them you can love/fancy whoever you want and it doesnt matter.. no need for labels. It really doesnt need to be this hard for 11 year olds. Or anyone.

Bisexuality is still where everyone straight or gay will completely steam roller an individuals experience and deny deny deny.

I completely disagree with sansasnark and see nothing in your posts.

"Your OP very much has an undertone that you would rather your daughter wasn't bisexual.

"Gay, straight or whatever" is also hugely dismissive- my sexuality isn't "whatever". "

Bullshit. Sansa is trying to see something that just isn't there.

OP's dd may be bi, or confused.
This is not uncommon. OP has been nothing but supportive and open to her dd.

why did you shrug it off at dinner and then go and tell her she can talk to you anytime? when she clearly can't?

But by teaching about safe sex etc then I'm assuming you mean only heterosexual safe sex?

Not necessarily; you could mention that lesbianism is the safest.

@Backtoschool101

I am going against the grain here and think it is a bit young to be teachi g kids these things. Especially as social media is so heavy. They end up feeling like they need to be la elled and really shouldnt need to be worrying about this at 11. Regardless of their sexual orientation, it ofcourse doesnt matter. Sex education is so important and needed but the just need the basics about safe sex and pregnancy and prevention and sexual health. I think teaching about sexual orientation is not needed at 11. Maybe in a few years. But i think they are young and impressionable and end up 'needing' a label abd confusing themselves about what they are when they only need to be worrying aboyt their school work amd making friends.

I started mentioning it to DS when he was about 6. It came up naturally as part of a conversation about what marriage was, and it's been mentioned since when we've talked about discrimination, mainly racism, but we've talked about sexism and homophobia as well.

I think it's better to start young, before they're exposed to less tolerant influences.

[quote thatsgotit]@NameChangedForThisFeb21so are you opposed to LGBTQ issues being taught about in schools? Your post came across a little that way to me.[/quote]
I’m fine with anti-homophobia and facts of life being taught from a young age.

I think in some schools things have been taken too far particularly with the trans and non-binary agenda being pushed (ie an 11 year old girl with short hair should be supported to transition as has happened in my own family with the agenda being pushed by the school nurse who was putting words in her mouth and threatened her parents if they didn’t support her to transition. They thought transitioning could wait and didn’t want her binding or taking hormones. She said herself she just didn’t like stereotypical girly things and was confused. School were all “this seems like you might be in the wrong body”. She’s also autistic so the hair, clothing etc is part of her sensory issues. She ended up pregnant at 16 as she felt that she wanted a baby before having surgery and this was her last chance. She left school (and the clutches of the nurse) and lo and behold now feels that she is in the right body and identifies as straight and cis and is glad her parents kept saying if she felt the same at 18 they’d support her to transition), and I think some areas that are being taught to young children would be more appropriate to be taught at around 14, rather than 10.

I got taught the facts of life at school and home, had a gay uncle and gay/lesbian and bi friends then as an adult, trans colleagues who chose to transition as adults and received no education at school other than how babies are made...we’ve all by some complete miracle muddled along just fine. Strange that. Meanwhile the 18 year old woman in my own family with soooooo much school support was left completely fucked up by a heavy handed, interventionist approach to LGBTQ education and worse, could have been rendered infertile and with a huge list of physical and mental health problems had School got their way. First week of year 7, the priority was a full day on LGBT with a heavy focus on the T part and a bunch of confused upset 11 year olds. And all this before or without any education on internet exploitation, puberty, drugs etc.

So yes. I’m highly critical of how some schools raise LGBTQ issues and don’t mind a jot if I’m judged for that.

Why would it be too young? I came out as a lesbian at 11. Still a lesbian 11 years later. Most of the people I know who came out at a similar age are also still gay/bisexual/whatever.