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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend stood me up but says it's my fault. Is it?

313 replies

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 09:47

Hi
My friend and I go through periods where we go for a walk in the morning ( 5.30am)

We just started up again- went once and then made plans to do it again the next day. We agreed via text that we wouldn't go if it was pouring with rain.

Next morning, I got up ( 10 mins before the meet time) get dressed and go to her house and wait outside. She lives very close. All lights are off, no movement. I wait. I didn't want to knock due to the time.
I'm not in the habit of bringing my phone with me, so I finally go home and pick up my phone.

She had WhatsApp d me before 5 to see if I was up. I turn my phone wifi off at night, and didnt check it before I went to meet her.
I then replied that i hadn't been up then,but i did go to meet her.
She replied with laughing emojis and said she went back to bed 5 mins before we were to meet.
I pointed out that she went back to bed 5 mins before our meeting time.

She then said that I should have replied to her text. The one asking if I was up ( sent 40 mins before our meeting time)

As the message was sent via WhatsApp, she could see that the message wasn't received on my end ( wifi off).
And she did not ever say that she was cancelling.

So
YABU - me not receiving a message is a clear indication I wasn't going to show

YANBU - she stood me up and is trying to blame me.

If it matters, she has cancelled at short notice/ slept through about 3 of the last 5 times.
I've slept through once.
I do understand that she may not have slept well, and decided not to get up. My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 09:48

PS- if wasn't raining at 5.30

OP posts:
Awrite · 20/03/2021 09:50

I think it's sensible to check your phone for messages prior to meeting someone.

In every case.

AppleKatie · 20/03/2021 09:50

Honestly? You both sound like hard work.

Why are you walking at 5.30am? Doesn’t sound like either of you enjoy it.

Scarby9 · 20/03/2021 09:50

Sorry, I think YABU.
I would check to see if there was a message before I went off to meet someone. Anything could have happened overnight.

HeddaGarbled · 20/03/2021 09:52

TBH, I’ve no idea which of you was being unreasonable. Probably both of you. Whatever, I don’t think it’s worth having a row about, and I don’t think the arrangement is working so I’d knock it on the head.

Mustgetup · 20/03/2021 09:53

Don't think anyone is at fault. But the time doesn't seem to work for your friend?

ScottishStottie · 20/03/2021 09:53

Yabu. You should have checked your phone before leaving.

Yes technically she didn't cancel, but she thought that as you didnt reply that you had slept in. Which is a reasonable assumption, i would have done the same as your friend tbh.

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 09:53

She messaged you before you left the house to meet her. Of course you should have checked your phone. It's your fault.

Sstrongtn · 20/03/2021 09:53

I’d have gone back to bed if you didn’t reply to the message.

Think as you both keep cancelling/sleeping through, and because 5.30 is an ungodly hour you should forget the whole thing!

catlovingdoctor · 20/03/2021 09:53

How come you aren't "in the habit" of taking your phone with you?- surely the whole point of one is so you can communicate about this sort of thing.

She was quite flaky/last-minute but you choose to turn off your phone data at night, making you basically impossible to communicate with..

Also, walks at 5:30am?!

justforthis7 · 20/03/2021 09:54

Well I would always check my phone before leaving to meet someone but in this instance, if you had, you wouldn’t have know she was cancelling just from her message. And there was no reason for her to think you were cancelling. So overall, I think it’s her being unreasonable.

milinhas · 20/03/2021 09:54

YABU she had no way of contacting you to cancel if you didn’t check your phone or take it with you. I think a whatsapp checking it’s still going ahead is perfectly reasonable.

Monr0e · 20/03/2021 09:55

If I messaged someone "are you up" and they didn't reply I would presume it was because they weren't up and hadn't seen the message.

It was a missed communication I don't think either of you were unreasonable. But I would be agreeing on confirming with each other first for future walks before anyone wasted their time also, 5.30am, who goes for a walk at 5.30am!

Morris125 · 20/03/2021 09:55

Regardless of plans made, I would always take my phone with me incase of any changes. If I was her and asked if you were up and got no reply, I’d of assumed you were going to be a no-show tbh.

Sn0tnose · 20/03/2021 09:55

Both of you are at fault. She should have text you rather than message you through WhatsApp and you should have checked your phone, especially because it was a conditional arrangement and she’s slept through a few times before.

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 09:55

Just re-read. She didn't text to cancel just to ask if you're up. You should have still checked your phone as maybe she would have cancelled and how else would she have let you know? Also it is sensible of her really to check the meet up is still happening.

A bit silly of both of you really.

So are you meeting tomorrow??

luxxlisbon · 20/03/2021 09:55

It isn’t remotely common to disconnect from the internet so you can’t receive any messages. Your friend updated you on the plans with plenty of time to spare. I’m sure she just assumed you got it rather than had your phone off then left the house without checking.
The whole ordeal of a convo after this makes you both sound unreasonable though.

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 09:56

She should have text you rather than message you through WhatsApp

I've never thought to do this. Not sure why OP's friend would.

MazekeenSmith · 20/03/2021 09:56

You should have checked your phone

4amWitchingHour · 20/03/2021 09:56

Yes it's your fault

boxingdayagain · 20/03/2021 09:57

YABU to arrange to walk at 5.30am

RaginSpice · 20/03/2021 09:58

She’s slept through 3/5 of the last times because that is an ungodly hour. Clearly it doesn’t work for her so go later.

YABU not checking your phone it’s what they’re for.

WeatherwaxLives · 20/03/2021 09:58

I think it's unusual to switch your WiFi off overnight, not check your messages before going to meet someone or not take your phone with you when you go out. To do all of those things is very unusual.

If I sent someone a message that early and I could see it wasn't recieved or read then I'd probably think they were still asleep.

I'm not saying it's your fault OP, as you did do as you'd both planned, and I think in her place I'd have had a look out the window to see if you were there at the agreed time rather than assume you weren't coming and go back to bed.

But I can see why she did and I don't think it's her fault either tbh. If you'd done any of the 3 things differently then you would have probably got her message and all would have been well.

I think it's a 'laugh it off and check your phone in future' situation, not worth being upset over.

Cocomarine · 20/03/2021 09:58

She’s cancelled at short notice or slept through 3 times in the last 5, and you slept through once.

Only a fool wouldn’t check their phone before they left the house, at least 🤷🏻‍♀️

YABU.

LucieStar · 20/03/2021 09:58

I'd always both check my phone before meeting up with someone in case they'd messaged, and take my phone with me, everywhere. So sorry I have to agree with others in this case YABU.

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