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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend stood me up but says it's my fault. Is it?

313 replies

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 09:47

Hi
My friend and I go through periods where we go for a walk in the morning ( 5.30am)

We just started up again- went once and then made plans to do it again the next day. We agreed via text that we wouldn't go if it was pouring with rain.

Next morning, I got up ( 10 mins before the meet time) get dressed and go to her house and wait outside. She lives very close. All lights are off, no movement. I wait. I didn't want to knock due to the time.
I'm not in the habit of bringing my phone with me, so I finally go home and pick up my phone.

She had WhatsApp d me before 5 to see if I was up. I turn my phone wifi off at night, and didnt check it before I went to meet her.
I then replied that i hadn't been up then,but i did go to meet her.
She replied with laughing emojis and said she went back to bed 5 mins before we were to meet.
I pointed out that she went back to bed 5 mins before our meeting time.

She then said that I should have replied to her text. The one asking if I was up ( sent 40 mins before our meeting time)

As the message was sent via WhatsApp, she could see that the message wasn't received on my end ( wifi off).
And she did not ever say that she was cancelling.

So
YABU - me not receiving a message is a clear indication I wasn't going to show

YANBU - she stood me up and is trying to blame me.

If it matters, she has cancelled at short notice/ slept through about 3 of the last 5 times.
I've slept through once.
I do understand that she may not have slept well, and decided not to get up. My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 10:54

You’re clearly just out for a reaction. Nothing you have said makes sense.

I’m getting personal attacks from you and Cats which I’m ignoring, and yet I’m the one looking for s reaction? Ok.

Anyway, going for a walk. Without my phone so I can actually switch off and enjoy it.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 10:55

What an aggressive response. Having a phone for any kind of emergency is a sensible precaution, being kidnapped and murdered is so vanishingly rare that it has no bearing on this decision. Much more likely that one might take a fall and twist an ankle or lose track of time and need to call for a list home or run into someone else who needs help. No sane person thinks it will stop you being murdered

Exactly @FlyingBurrito. It’s just plain common sense.

In any case, does anyone really think ‘Sarah Everard was murdered; therefore a mobile phone is no protection in any scenario’ is a coherent argument? Not every dangerous scenario ends in doom. What if someone tried to grab you and you managed to break free and run away? Wouldn’t you want to be able to call for help?

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 10:57

Yes, that is my thought- that she was up at 4.50, and didn't want to go

I'm thinking that she was up and wanted to stay in bed. If you had replied she probably still would have got up?

Even though we are saying it's weird to turn off your wifi, if she knows you do that, then she would have known you might not see the message.

So she flaked. Either way she flaked but it's still not unreasonable for you to check your phone in the morning either so maybe just know for next time.

SixDegrees · 20/03/2021 10:58

I think it’s a bit of both, but mostly OP.

If I’d sent a “are you awake” message in a situation like this and had no reply, I’d have assumed the other person had slept in too.
I suppose you could argue that the friend should have waited in case OP did turn up, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume people will check for messages before a meet up, especially one as early as 5:30am.

And ok, so your friend didn’t message cancelling the walk, but would it really have been much less annoying for you if the message you missed had been a cancellation message rather than one asking if you were awake?

thecognoscenti · 20/03/2021 10:58

YABU, though you clearly aren't going to accept that this is the case and I wonder why you bothered asking.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 10:58

@Lacucuracha

You’re clearly just out for a reaction. Nothing you have said makes sense.

I’m getting personal attacks from you and Cats which I’m ignoring, and yet I’m the one looking for s reaction? Ok.

Anyway, going for a walk. Without my phone so I can actually switch off and enjoy it.

What ‘personal attacks’? There have been none. You’ve had me and others disagree with you and point out that your comments are badly thought-out and don’t make sense. Because they are, and they don’t. If you’re going to take that as a ‘personal attack’, well join the club - by those standards, I and everyone who’s ever been disagreed with on this site have been ‘personally attacked’.
dontdisturbmenow · 20/03/2021 10:59

I can't imagine any woman going out at 5:30,walking on their own for at least 5mns who wouldn't take their phone with them. If anything just to call the person they are due to meet if they are not down.

Its was a fair assumption in their part that you would check your messages as soon as you got up and then as you left the house, but ultimately, you didn't do anything wrong.

It was just an unfortunate event, you now both know where the other stands.

CatNoBag · 20/03/2021 11:00

If I was meeting someone at 5:30am, I'd check my phone before going out in case. She was up at 4:50 so I can't see why you'd think she didn't want to go for a walk. I have a friend I occasionally meet for a very early morning that means I have to leave the house before 6am. I always check before I leave that she's still keen and tell her I'm on my way.

SoupDragon · 20/03/2021 11:01

In the last few years, she has often sent a message early in the morning, and my reply begins with ' just got this/ just turned my phone on'.
Just as I am observant of her phone communication patterns, I'm reasonably sure that as an intelligent woman,she has observed mine as well.

So, she often sends a message early in the morning but, despite being observant of her phone communication patterns, you didn't check.

Like I said, it's just one of those things - a simple miscommunication.

Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 11:01

So ‘malicious’ and ‘stupid’ weren’t meant to attack me? Ok 😂

You know what you were doing. I’ll leave you to it.

OverByYer · 20/03/2021 11:01

This warranted a thread?
Geez you both sound hard work. I’d have wasted about 5 mins sorting it out and moved on. Who cares whose fault it was?

Defmy · 20/03/2021 11:03

You're both being very unreasonable going for a walk at such an ungodly hour. No wonder you're cranky.

RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 11:03

Your fault, I'm afraid. Odd way of doing things

Also given your version, the 4 out of 5 last walks didn't happen so why bother?

Confusedandshaken · 20/03/2021 11:05

YABU. There's not a lot of point having a phone if you don't look at it!

I switch mine to silent before going to bed because like the OP I have family scattered across many time zones. I'm aware this means I might miss important communications so I check it when I wake up. That seems a lot more straightforward than expecting people to observe and memorise my 'phone communication patterns'.

This is one of my favourite sorts of thread - when the OP asks AIBU?. MN says Yes YABU. OP tells MN they are wrong.

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 11:05

My mind is blown that so many people think its weird to turn the phone off at night 🤣🤣
I do because, due to time difference, my family often message in the middle of the night. It is too tempting to keep checking the phone before bed/ take a quick peek after you've been up to the loo. I just switch it off and don't turn it on until I'm ready to start my day.

5 30 IS early- this is at her convenience. I do just roll out of bed, and go. I DID forget my phone ( on account of being half asleep). And so went back home to check. She never ever cancelled. And why on gods green earth WOULD I be up at 4.50?

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 11:05

@Lacucuracha

But if she HAD been [sick]

But she wasn’t.

No, you’re being ridiculous coughing. Don’t tell grown women when to walk or with a mobile. It’s none of your business.

Did a mobile phone save Sarah Everard? No, so you’re logic is shit.

Do you not think it's a bit disgusting to bring a recently murdered woman into a pathetic discussion about who didn't text who?

Sarah is not a card to be played to win a ridiculous argument.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/03/2021 11:05

I don't think that your friend deliberately planned and decided to let you go to the meeting point and then stand you up. Not at 5.30 am. Which is what seems to be making you so angry

What matters is whether you want to continue the walk with your friend.

So there was a hiccup early in the morning. Move on and make a plan together about how you will both check if you are going to be there.. A simple. "I'm on my way" would do it and then both agree to bring your phone with you.

I can't vote YABU or YANBU as you've loaded the two questions so that your friend is in the wrong whichever way we vote.

You could carry on being angry about it and cancelling the walks, or you could look on it as a teething issue , which it is, fix it and be glad that there's someone to walk with, rather than lose a friendship over it.

RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 11:06

[quote Somethingkindaoooo]My mind is blown that so many people think its weird to turn the phone off at night 🤣🤣
I do because, due to time difference, my family often message in the middle of the night. It is too tempting to keep checking the phone before bed/ take a quick peek after you've been up to the loo. I just switch it off and don't turn it on until I'm ready to start my day.

5 30 IS early- this is at her convenience. I do just roll out of bed, and go. I DID forget my phone ( on account of being half asleep). And so went back home to check. She never ever cancelled. And why on gods green earth WOULD I be up at 4.50?[/quote]
Right.

But who leaves the house to meet someone without taking their phone?

thecatandthevicar · 20/03/2021 11:08

YANBU

I hate flaky people who can't comprehend that when others have made agreements, they stick to them.

You don't have to be available 40 minutes before your meeting time, the only thing that matters if you being at her door on time, which you were.

The most ridiculous thing is to go back to bed 5 mn before you were due to meet.
I could vaguely understand she wanted confirmation the night before, saving her from waking up for nothing. But she was up anyway?

She is BU and hard work.

thecatandthevicar · 20/03/2021 11:09

But who leaves the house to meet someone without taking their phone?

Confused

lots of us, we are not all glued to our phone at all time.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 20/03/2021 11:09

[quote Somethingkindaoooo]My mind is blown that so many people think its weird to turn the phone off at night 🤣🤣
I do because, due to time difference, my family often message in the middle of the night. It is too tempting to keep checking the phone before bed/ take a quick peek after you've been up to the loo. I just switch it off and don't turn it on until I'm ready to start my day.

5 30 IS early- this is at her convenience. I do just roll out of bed, and go. I DID forget my phone ( on account of being half asleep). And so went back home to check. She never ever cancelled. And why on gods green earth WOULD I be up at 4.50?[/quote]
I think what most people have found surprising is that you don't use the function specifically designed for your particular issue - do not disturb which prevents message notifications being shown on the device, and any notification sounds - or use the silent mode which is also available!

DavidsSchitt · 20/03/2021 11:09

"Do you not think it's a bit disgusting to bring a recently murdered woman into a pathetic discussion about who didn't text who?

Sarah is not a card to be played to win a ridiculous argument."

Indeed. But @Lacucuracha will use anything she can just to cause a row and stir the pot. Every other thread and she's screaming "bully" and sensible logic goes straight out of the window.

Jaxhog · 20/03/2021 11:10

I don't understand why anyone thinks it unreasonable to switch your phone off at night. But clearly, many do. I've learned from experience to always check my phone before meeting someone, as some people think it perfectly reasonable to cancel by text/WhatsApp at the last minute (I don't).

If someone wants to cancel, then THEY should ensure you know; Not rely on a message that may or may not be received. Your friend is in the wrong here. Not you.

PrincessTuna · 20/03/2021 11:10

My phone has a do not disturb option I can set to run every night 11pm until 7am. Messages arrive but the phone stays silent. Also if someone calls me twice in 5 mins it will let the call sound in case of emergency.

Your fault I'm afraid. Its sensible to check messages before leaving these days.

Kimye4eva · 20/03/2021 11:11

She was checking if you were up. Assumed you weren’t due to lack of response so went back to bed.

Why wouldn’t you check your phone before you left?